WHAT A FUCKING GREAT DAY. I woke up at 1 PM even though I told

>>39506784
OH and I almost forgot!
I also jerked off and came three times even though I accepted Christ into my heart (again) and said I would stop doing masturbation, and I also didn't meditate like I said I would!

...How the fuck do people do all this shit? Why is it so hard?

>>39506784
That's just how summer goes bud.

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Just let yourself break
After you hit the bottom its much easier to make progress

>>39506784
Yea this sounds worse then doing drugs all day

At night as a child I was kept up by the monsters under my bed.
Now I am kept up by the monsters inside of my head.
I think maybe I would be better off dead.

that was my new deviant art blog did you guys like it

>>39506784
relatable feels fellas.

>>39506784
Get your fucking shit together
If you want it do it
Nobody is gonna delover you that, you dont have that joy of getting itself to you, you need ALOT self control to do anything so just fucking do it thats all i gotta say, and if you want a better life it ain't waiting for you you need to grab it so go get it

>>39507026
I know, I just don't understand myself though when I do this shit.
Like, I am actively fucking going and setting up all these tabs and shit to read first thing when I wake up, like inspirational quotes and a fucking todo list, and I actually even make a healthy breakfast ahead of time, but then when I wake up it's like I suddenly reset back to my default shitty behavior and mindset and just close out of all the tabs and throw the shit I made out and just go back to being normal.

I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate how I can't just be a fucking normal human being. I am 19 and desperately would like to go apply to Walmart for a Cart Pushing job. I know I can get it right now if I would just go and fucking apply and call up, since I came closes about a month ago but had to cancel because we moved, but for some reason I can't fucking bring myself to apply or do anything.

Why the fuck can't I fucking do it? Why is it so hard?

>>39507093
Change few small things then you can hop onto bigger ones

>>39507093
You lack social skill and are anoxious but i am anoxious too and i go hang out with friends even if i dont want to, cause i am trying to be socialized, you lack self control to do something so to get self control stop fapping, trust me it helps you bring back dopamine levels alot and everytime you hold yourself from it you get a bit of self control, gl anon

>>39507178
Maybe I should start by cutting out all this fucking emo music I listen to? I hate to use the word, because I know what negative connotations it has around here now that Tumblr fucked with it, but I think it might 'trigger' me a bit to use it. I am diagnosed Bipolar Type 1.

Also, in two weeks I get Adderall to treat my ADD, so maybe I should try to just improve as best as I can until I can get that to help my focus so I can read and do tasks? I dunno.

I still don't know what I want out of my life either. I fucking don't want to do Computer Science as a career. I want to do Welding I think? But I don't want to go out and do all that fucking shit yet. I just wanna fucking relax and chill and enjoy my early 20s and worry later. I'm only fucking 19. I still have my whole life, right?

>>39507273
I lack social skills yes, but I am pretty good at bullshitting them. I can fake optimism and charisma really well, as well as confidence. It's why my family doesn't see me as the borderline suicidal, close to psychotic person I really am. They see me as an eccentric person who is adjusting to adulthood fairly well. Even though I have no car, and I quit my only job about a year ago after 3 months because I had no medication to treat my disorder, and I was having panic attacks on the way to work. (it was fast food and that didn't help the paranoia either. the rush hour was fucking ptsd inducing.)

>>39506784
>>39506837
Underrated. In order to allow your desires to transition from frivolous and idealistic dreams to irrepressible desires you must attain the necessary perspective to truly understand why you want these things.
Then again you're forgetting this is just a whiny adolescent whose problems and pursuits are actually not very ambitious at all.

Do as I do and start working on your fundamentals.

>exercise every day, even if it's for 15 minutes
>stay hydrated
>wake up early
>get some daylight every day, even if it's for nothing
>talk to your family

If you get really bad, pull the plugs on your electronics and block them out of your life for a few days. The boredom that follows forces you to do stuff. I've done this twice this year, it brings pretty good results but it requires a bit of willpower.

>>39507352
I don't even know what my pursuits really are. Don't know what I want out of life.

I just feel really lost and confused. I have no friends and I have no mentor. I've also pretty much had to guide myself and raise myself as I had no father.

Somehow, I have gone from a Middle School dropout (don't ask) that couldn't fucking long divide to SELF EDUCATING myself to college level mathematics in just 3 fucking months. I passed my GED tests all on the first try, and I did it all on my own volition. I was the one steering the wheel. My mom never brought up getting my GED, and I was the one who had to call it in and set it all up and beg her to take me (she is very complicated).

Then, not even a month later, I studied harder and then went and took the college entry exams for math, and got a very high score, in spite of having dyscalculia.

Why the fuck could I do that? Where did that drive and ambition go?

I couldn't go to college at that time for Welding (it was community college) so I didn't do the rest of my tests, because I had to wait for us to move and I realized I had no car or way to get to classes because the college is so fucking far away, so I would have to work and get one...

That's what the plan was...

WHY THE FUCK DID I STOP?

>>39507418
Unless you want to be like the other thousands of tragic failures who were born with a gift and just started taking everything for granted in their despicable arrogance, get off your complacent ass and get back in the game. No planning, no premeditation, no preparation. Don't ever fucking ask yourself retarded buffer questions like why or how. Just do it in the mindless frenzy of an unstoppable genius with a dream.

>>39507305
nah bro, just finish your education and get as far in a career as you can ASAP.

>>39507331
I can clearly see the problem, you fake stuff, dont do that fix the stuff that doesnt allow you to be optimistic

I know this feel, in the back of my head im just screaming at myself to just get offf the computer for 10 minutes to collect my thoughts but i feel physically glued to it.

>>39508050
I don't know how.
I don't know what is broken to fix it.

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>>39506784
>promise myself I'll stop biting my fingernails
>feel something running down my hand a couple minutes later
>bit my fingers so much that they started bleeding
HOW THE FUCK DO I STOP

>>39508430
OP here, I have this too, although mine is more severe.

I not only chew the fuck out of my fingernails, I tear the shit out of my skin too. Not just on my fingers, but my feet/toes too. It's fucking terrible. I tear it down to where it's fucking raw on my feet and hurts to walk on. Can't stop.

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>>39508536
I BITE MY TOENAILS AND FOOT SKIN TOO BUT I WAS TOO ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT. SOMEONE HELP US PLEASE. DEAR GOD PLEASE. I CAN'T KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS. I BOUGHT AMMO FOR MY SHOTGUN LAST WEEK BUT I DON'T PLAN ON GOING HUNTING ANYTIME SOON.

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https://youtu.be/IXGHlhcSB9Q
mebbe dis op ?

>>39508596
Yeah it really makes you feel like a freak when you actually admit heh.

It's funny because I'm also a foot fetishist, and I'm embarrassed as fuck about my feet because of this shit. I don't know how to feel about it. I don't like going barefoot.

I'm trying now to just wear socks all the time but now they're just getting dry and cracked.

P sure at this point when they heal they'll be all calloused and fuck up in the spots I bite.

>>39506962
I dig


Oreeeeeeginal

>>39506784
Do one thing at a time anon, it's about shifting your habits one by one, not changing everything at once.

Good luck, Anon

I finally stopped smoking pot

>>39506784
Sounds like you set too many goals
Instead of focusing on fulfilling all of them. Try going for one or two out of the list.


Whats your go to depressing music?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gn2eR7Xq4KM

Sounds like mandatory conscription might not be such a terrible idea

>>39506837
Normie tier advice. There's no bottom when you are caught in a vicious circle of self destruction.

>>39508718
Well you fucking posted it.
I love Low.

Among that, I also listen to Armor for Sleep, Brand New, Andrew Jackson Jihad, Bedhead, Codeine, Jets to Brazil, Mountain Goats, Mazzy Star, Merchant Ships, Nick Drake, NiN, Old Gray, etc

I'm at the point though where fucking anything makes me depressed, even happy music.

Like for example, I fucking watched this an hour ago
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy4IhE-KAEg
It's a happy cute song with Whinnie the Pooh.
Pooh reminds me of when I was a child and everything was all fucking chill and cute and happy and I didn't know how shitty the fucking world was. It just fucking makes me feel horrible about the world I live in. I miss being innocent and carefree.
It's why I love that one Nick Drake song, A Place to Be.
>When I was young, younger than before.
>I never saw the truth hanging from the door
>And now I'm older - see it face to face
>And now I'm older - gotta get up clean the place

And then, I'll see cute shit in a store, like a fucking cartoon rabbit or something, or I'll see some kittens, and I'll just be filled with dread for the exact reasons.

Fuck this gay ass Earth.

Like I am not even sure if this is something that can be fixed. I really am starting to think I'm just broken at my core and there is nothing that can possibly help me, sans putting a bullet in my head.

Alright well then...
I have the fucking tabs open again, and I have the book at my bedside. This time I'm leaving the phone in the desk. I'm gonna go and lay down and read and go to bed, and then I'll wake up at 11 am to my clock, watch the videos immediately after taking meds, and then I'll eat normally and drink soda normally, but I'll come back and read some of the networking book and then read some of my book, and that'll be that. And I'll keep doing this until I get Adderall, and then go from there.

I dunno what else I can try. How's this for goals? Maybe I am trying to do too much.

Oh, and also cut back on masturbation a little. I'll try to not jerk off tomorrow, and instead jerk of every other day, and after I get Adderall, I'll stop jerking it completely/bi-monthly.

Maybe I'll take up meditation next month.


But the problem is - what about a job? When should I start shooting for it? I really do want to work. Would getting a job be a monumental step in self improvement?

Maybe I'll just apply after Adderall too. Seems like Adderall is like the fucking cornerstone.

>>39506784
Hey, at least you played a good game.

>>39508742
I honestly think my life would be better if I were conscripted. Being forced to hang around other guys doing manly shit sounds ok.

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Jesus christ, i think i might be a normie.

Yall are wrecked with mental illness. Wake up at dawn to a cold shower and 2 mile run.

Repeat.

Win.

>>39509321
I laid down, clasped my hands, and then shut my eyes, and I told myself I would relax, clear my mind, and after I was done, would read and be entertained and take in every paragrph and word.
Then I blanked my mind and sat there for a few minutes, and then I read 10 pages, and now I'm kinda tired.

Well shit, looks like I'm making progress. And now I am kind of interested in this book. So I feel compelled to keep reading. Hooray.

>>39509321
Hmmm, weird how people get hyped up and ready to change their futures just before sleeping. Also, getting a job is great, especially if its related to a field you will be studying or are studying. Just make sure you study something you enjoy, unlike me who wasted 5 years of his life learning something he didnt give two shits about and then ending up a depressed NEET.

>>39507352
Fuck, that cuts deep.

Recently I moved out of my mom's house and started working with my dad and living at his house. Suddenly the whole weight of having to pay bills every month and learning to be an actual adult hit me all at once, and I realized that I need to stop being a fucking pussy and start following my dream of being a filmmaker because that truly is the thing I love, that's my passion and what I want to do for a living.

Suddenly, shit just started popping up. I'm helping edit a friend's script, I'm planning a horror short with some college buds, I've been fucking around with my camera and editing software a lot more, shit's actually looking up.

>>39508655
Good job anon, was it difficult for you?
T. Guy who recently stopped himself