"Champ, put that game on pause, will ya? We need to talk.

ITS A MULTIPLAYER DAD
I CANT PAUSE IT
UGH

>Parents resent me on a human level, yesterday they told me my existence is despicable, tell me I really ought to just kill myself
>Acquire job
>Hate me even more then they did before

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>>39128067
*unplugs modem*
"Champ, I'm gonna put a stop to it like you're gonna put a stop to your unemployment streak today. Your mother and I are doing this because we care, Champ, and we aren't gonna be around forever. Someday, you're gonna have to take care of yourself. And how do you get there? It all starts with taking that first step, Champ. I didn't think I had the gumption to ruck through the blizzard of '67, but by God I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and snow shoes and plunged headlong into the driving snow. Sheer luck I barely got out of there with all my fingers and toes intact, but the manager was so impressed when I got to the factory that he shook my hand and hired me right on the spot. I'm expecting a lot from you, Champ, so don't disappoint out there today."

>>39128196
ITS A DIFFERENT TIME NOW DAD
THERES NIGGERS AND NSA SURVEILLANCE AND HOUSING BUBBLES
GET OUT OF MY ROOM

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>>39128308
Excuses are for quitters, Champ. And I raised you to be a Champ, not a quitter. Now get in the car.

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"Champ, the older you get, the more enjoyment you'll find in the little things in life -- like a nice hot cup of coffee to start your day. But a hot white chocolate for you; I can't afford to have you nervous and antsy when you're looking for work today, Champ. I need you focused. FOCUSED on showing up to each place, speaking with the manager about the job, giving him a firm handshake, and telling him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make. Try it out here and see if it works. The manager will appreciate that you went to him directly. Shows confidence and interest in the job, Champ."

"Oh, isn't that your old friend Norman from high school, the one you used to sit with at lunch, pulling up in the parking lot in that Corvette? And who's that smokin' hot blonde who's with him? Don't be rude, Champ. Go over there and say, 'hello.'"

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>>39128050
Who are you and what are you doing in my bedroom

>>39128336
It's Thursday, why aren't you at work? You need to go to work so mummy can buy more pizza rolls.

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>>39128437
*takes your resume and uses it as a coaster*

>>39128050

>Implying a NEET room would look like that

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"Champ, there's someone I want ya to meet. Yo, Pep. This is my son I've been telling you about. Go ahead and shake his hand, Champ. But not until after he's had his coffee. You don't wanna disturb a man until he's had his coffee. Anyway, Pep, my boy here needs a job. He's smart and talented but he needs a kick in the butt every now and again to get him goin'. You think he can get a job 'round here, sweeping floors and learning the trade?"

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>>39128050
Now I'm but a simple medical practitioner, Mr. Dad. But I do believe your son's mamby pamby, submissive demeanor is in fact a symptom of severely low testosterone levels. Typically we would diagnose your son as intersex, but aside from his underwhelming penis size, he suffers no physical abnormalities due to his deficiency. It is in my humble opinion, as your sons doctor, that he be prescribed massive amounts of naturally produced testosterone.

>>39128718
Go on, Doc. Champ, shush while the adults are talking.

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"I know we've been here before, Champ, but you'll never reach the higher branch if you don't leap for it. Once they've seen just how committed you are, they won't be able to resist shaking your hand and hiring you right here and now."

"Whaddya mean they posted your resume in the backroom for everyone to laugh at? Champ, they were laughing with you at just how well you'll fit in. It's called 'socializing,' Champ, and you just need to crawl outta that thick shell of yours. Why, nothing's impossible. When I was your age, I rucked through the worst snowstorm in state history to get to an interview when my Mustang wouldn't start. They've even got a photo of me in the local paper. The manager was so impressed that he shook my hand and hired me right on the spot. I nearly froze to death out there in the driving snow, so you've got it pretty easy compared to me, Champ. Where there's a will, there's a way."

"You've just gotta get outta that shell of yours, speak with the manager about the job, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make."

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I became master of my guild today, dad. What did you do again? Filled out expense reports? Attended a training seminar? Wow, that's super fucking interesting dad. I'm leader of a band of bloodthirsty warriors. My name is hallowed throughout the land. Your name is on a nameplate on a formica desk next to a clipped-out Cathy comic strip and a pencil sharpener. Now shut the fuck up and go ask mom when dinner's on. I have a raid coming up and need the energy.

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T-thanks dad. But all they do is tell me to apply online. I don't even get a chance to give the manager a firm handshake.

>>39128050
What was in the FedEx package?

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>>39129223
Its really quite simple, Mr. Dad. A big ol' nig nut up the butt three times a day will see a dramatic increase in your sons testosterone levels. Why just ask my friend Tyrone here, he's positively oozing with the man juice your son needs.

>>39129546
"Come one champ, why does your generation always get so attached to your fancy schmancy computers? Back in my day you did everything in person-words, smiles, and a nice, firm handshake. Get out there son, and go grab life by the balls. It's not going to wait for you."

>>39128050
>funny pranks
>He's making bank
WHAT DID YOU DO WITH DAD

>>39129719
Will insurance cover this, Doc? Hush, Champ, this is for your own good.

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b-but I a-am afraid dad

>>39129767
nigger, you gave me unlimited access to vidya when I was 8 years old and didn't try to regulate it at all, it's like giving your kids weed, it's your fault I'm like this

>>39129944
This. I have a feeling this is why my parents rarely mention my situation, they know they fucked me up good by letting video games raise me. Wasn't uncommon to not see my parents from 4pm Friday to 7am Monday when I was 10 years old and above.

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>>39129779
Oh I'm sure Tyrone would offer his services for free, Mr. Dad. Just ask him yourself.

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My parents had 4 kids, all of whom are fuck ups. They still refuse to acknowledge they are the common denominator though.

>>39130285
literally me except there is 3 of us

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>>39129890
>>39129675
>>39129944
>>39130003

"Excuses never got anyone anywhere, Mister. When I was your age, I rucked through the worst snowstorm in state history to get to the interview down at the factory when my Mustang wouldn't start. They've even got a photo of me in the local paper. The manager was so impressed that he shook my hand and hired me right on the spot. Yep, I put myself through school, supported the family, bought two houses, three cars, and our summer vacationer up in Nantucket, so I expect a lot more from you than excuses and pouting, Champ. It's as easy as standing up straight, speaking with the manager about the job, giving him a firm handshake, and telling him you'll be the best hire they've ever made. Never hurts to try, Champ."

>>39130946
you're just repeating yourself at this point, dad

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>>39130092
What the fuck is going on here man

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>>39130952
"Quitters don't win, and winners don't quit, Champ. Back in '65, we were down 35-7 at halftime against Allentown, but we pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps, played hard-nosed solid football, and pulled off the greatest comeback in state history. Did we give up, Champ? Now I didn't raise my Champ to be a quitter. And I certainly didn't raise him to quiver at something so simple as getting a job. All you need to do is get outta that shell of yours, speak with the manager about the job, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make. I caught the game-winning touchdown that day, Champ, so I expect a lot more from you than making excuses."

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"Hey, Champ. Just making sure you've printed out your resumes because we're going to head out and look for -- Oh, hey! Is that your girlfriend, Champ? Why don't you invite her over for dinner? You know, you're not getting any younger, Champ. All the more reason for you to get a job. She'll practically be stalking you once you get your first paycheck!"

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>>39131021
You know what time it is beta bitch. Time to pop a squat on daddy's cock. We already know women are disgusted by you, and your tiny little dicklet couldn't possibly pleasure them. So I'm here to repurpose you for my pleasure. I'm gonna stretch your tiny little pink ring over my fat girth and pummel your prostate to smithereens.

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"Your mother and I aren't gonna be around to take care of you forever, Champ. We're not getting any younger, and neither are you. In fact, you haven't done anything since you graduated three years ago. We're taking you around town to look for a job because we care about you and your future, and no one else does. Now, getting a job is a part of growing up. Everyone works, Champ. Besides, it'll allow you to do all those things you've always wanted to do -- like saving money for a rainy day. When I was your age, I put myself through school, supported the family, bought two houses, three cars, and our summer vacationer up in Nantucket."

"Yep, I ran CNC Machines, and my job was mostly loading a part in there and hitting the start button. When that was done, I checked it out and loaded up another. Tedious work, but it was hard work, so I expect a lot more from you than excuses and pouting. All you've gotta do is show up there and ask to speak with the manager. Stand up straight, look him in the eye, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they've ever made. We know you're smart and talented, but you just need a kick in the butt to get you going."

>>39131808
button pushers make less than $20/hr, good luck supportin' that family

I wonder if the writer(s) of this meme got the ideas about bootstraps, handshakes, snowstorms, etc, from their dad(s) or just came up with it off the top of their head(s). Truly impressive.

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>>39131920
"Champ, when I was your age $20 could buy you breakfast, lunch, and dinner every single day for an entire week. That's a lotta money, Champ. And you'll practically be swimming in it when you get a job. Show up there and ask to speak with the manager. Stand up straight, look him in the eye, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they've ever made. Girls will practically be chasing you once you get your first paycheck."

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"Champ, every job is an opportunity, and it's up to you to make the best of it. You can do that by showing up early, staying late, and cheerfully volunteering for every task out there. Your manager will love it, Champ. And it all starts when you show up, speak with him about the job, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make."

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OT BOJ A TEG BOJ A TEG, YOU MUST SHAKE THE HAND SVOJE SHAKE THE HAND SVOJE

Fuck off imaginary internet dad I'm literally phoneposting at work right now

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>>39133027
"Then get another job, Champ. You don't get as many hours as you should, and no son of mine will spend a waking moment idle. It's as easy as when you got the first: Show up, speak with the manager about the job, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make. About time you learned the value of a hard week's work, Champy-wampy."

>>39131300
Dad I don't have a girlfriend. I don't even know any girls.

>We're disappointed, but we're not gonna kick you out, either. But you've been sitting here in your room doing nothing since you graduated three years ago,
This why I never graduated shit. I've been working hard on a GED 2 hrs a week for a lot of years now.

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>>39133116
You'll meet a lot of women when you start working, Champ. You know why? Because women want someone who'll provide for them. Who knows? She might be that special someone with whom you'll raise a family. And raising a family is important because it makes you responsible and mature. It also ensures that the family line will live on and that someone will be around to take care of you when you're old."

"But first thing's first: You've gotta get a job, Champ. To do that, you've gotta show up, speak with the manager about the job, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make. A handsome guy like you will have to fend off the ladies once you get your first paycheck."

>>39133076
I work 60 hours a week dad

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>>39133197
"Then work 20 more. I didn't raise my Champ to be a bum."

DAD IM JERKING OFF WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM

>>39128050
>College to expensive to go back
>Can't find a second job to move out because I'm a white male
>Parents are starting to threaten to kick me out
>Have literally zero options
FUCK THIS WORLD

>>39133356
Go ahead and finish up champ don't mind me. I didn't raise my champ to be a quitter.

>>39133219
I'd gladly work 80 hours a week if it would bring my dad back

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>>39133465
"Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaampppppp. Whoops. Heh, sorry. Doin' fine up here, Champ. You've gotta get a second job or work more hours, Champ. To get a second job, you've gotta speak with the manager, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make. You've got this."

>>39129700
Drugs and a vibrating flashlight with auto-SUCH and electro-shock therapy

>>39133509
Nice try dad, I did that when you got sick to pay the bills, remember?

We're both quitters that way.

i want to believe this dad, that its as easy as a firm handshake. 4 months unemployed and barely one interview. how can it be this hard to get a job? i have years of experience now but im having a harder time finding work now then when i was just out of college, what the fuck happened. my life is over and id be better off dead. sorry dad.

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>>39133718
"Don't be so glum, Champ. When I was your age, I got turned down from several places, too. But that didn't deter me, Champ. Instead, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and rucked to the factory in some of most inhospitable conditions Northeastern Americana has ever seen. Nearly lost my hands and toes to frostbite that day, but the manager was so impressed that he shook my hand and hired me right on the spot. It's simply a matter of taking the initiative, Champ. And you can do that by showing up, speaking with the manager, giving him a firm handshake, and telling him you're the right man for the job. It's as simple as that, Champ."

>>39133718
What's worse is when you get tons of interviews, but keep getting turned down for "not being qualified enough". For fucking jobs where all you do is stack shelves and move boxes around.

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"Mid-day break for lunch, Champ. You'll look forward to these when you start working. I'll get us two Grilled Chicken Sandwich meals with two Sweet Teas and eight pieces of Chick-Fil-A sauce. No tendies, Champ. Fried food is a one way ticket to an early grave on the high cholesterol express. Saw it on television. We'll get you a salad instead. Hey, cashier, we're skipping the tendies today. It's probably a really good idea in his case, right? *pokes your stomach* Ha, ha."

"I'm afraid that's not the only reason why I brought you here, Champ. While we're ordering, you might as well ask the manager to see if he's hiring. Stand up straight, speak with him about the job, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make. Whaddya mean 'why do I got a box of Chick-N-Strips in my hand?' These are for the dog, Champ. You can buy your own once you get your first paycheck."

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My conversation with my dad a few minutes ago

>Champ, your mother and I are getting worried about you. We think it's time you went outside and got a job. Get dressed and meet me in the car. I'm driving you to find a job, and we won't turn back until someone hires you on the spot.
>i'm not sure, i'll think about it
>You've been spending too much time inside, so you might as well meet people, make some money on your own, and live a normal life. You can buy a new computer once you get your first paycheck.
>okay, dad, i'll think about it and let you know
>All you've gotta do is show up, speak with the manager about the job, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make

Looks like my family can't take it anymore.

Help.

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No dad, I have become the work.

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>>39133889
Fuck me I lost it

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>tfw my dad has gone out of his way to get me several interviews with his business colleagues
>have only gotten one call-back
>still didn't get the job

just give up on me, already

>>39128050
Mom left you.

>>39133167
>I've been working hard on a GED 2 hrs a week for a lot of years now.
What? You just go to a testing center and take a test in all of the relevant subjects, how do you actively "work" on getting a GED for years?

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*teleports behind you*
*shakes your hand*
>Heh, nothing personal, Champ, just giving you an example of how it's done.

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>>39134460
"Then we'll apply someplace else, Champ. What've you got to lose? Nothing. It's as simple as showing up, speaking with the manager, giving him a firm handshake, and telling him you're the right man for the job."

>>39128050
>Chad is married to your waifu
>be me young anon
>"don't worry son, when you grow up those bullies will be working for you"
>grow up
>all my bullies have good jobs with wives/girlfriends while I'm still a virgin who makes minimum wage, despite going to college
Why did they lie to us?

>>39128196
I had a step dad who used to unplug the modem when he wanted to finish playing online. I had a friend over one night and we were playing Halo and the cunt had the audacity to unplug the modem.

Shit pisses me off and was just one of the many reasons he was a piece of shit.

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Listen to me, son. I don't know who you are or why you come in here every day, demanding to speak to me without an appointment. Then, while not breaking eye contact, you awkwardly grope for my hand. It's not even the good, confident kind of eye contact, it's like you're trying to rape my brain with your retinas. I told you, today and every day for the last two weeks, I don't look at resumes. You would need to contact our HR department and fill out an application for an open position. And I have to be honest son, I wouldn't hire you if they paid me. Go tell that guy who brings you here every day, the handsome silver-haired gentleman with the coffee cup, tell him this isn't how it works. Wha-? Why are you crying? Just tell him. Look son, just go out to the car, look your dad square in the eye, and with a firm handshake tell him there's no way in hell this place is hiring you.

No you can't use the bathroom. Fuck off before I call the police.

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>>39134721
"This kid givin' you trouble, boss?"

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>>39134567

Nice try dad, but it was in fact I who was behind you.

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Kids these days are incompetent and useless. They don't know how to shake hands to get a job. I WILL TEACH THEM

These threads depress me.

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"Hey, Billy. Did you see that smokin' hot dame down at the diner? Why don't you give her your number, Billy? That's how you meet girls."

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>>39136012
Dad i gave her a firm handshake and told her i am a man for the job. She said she will call the security.

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>>39136124
"Never give up, Champ. Finding a girl is all about crawling outta that shell of yours, standing up straight, giving her a firm handshake, and asking her out to dinner. No, those cartoon girls don't count, Champ. How hard could it be? Who knows? That girl at the diner might be the lucky gal with whom you'll raise a family. And raising a family is important because it continues the family legacy and ensures that someone will be around to take care of you when you're old."

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i wish my dad was like this desu. GOOD thread.

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"When are you gonna give your mother and I grandchildren, Champ? All you've gotta do is find the right girl, but before that, you've gotta get a job. Women want someone who'll provide for them, Champ. And the best way to get a job is to show up, speak with the manager, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make. It's that simple, Champ."

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Thanks dad


Otgrorkgn

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>>39128050
"Hey Dad. How about you shut the fuck up before I tell Mom about the Grindr app I seen on your phone. I'm pretty sure that isn't for making coffee even though I know you love it black. Now warm me up some hotpockets, bitch."

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>>39128050
oh yes such fond memories..
>'anon pause the game for dinner'
>i cant its online
>'what do you mean you cant pause it'
>because its online
>'WHAT DO YOU MEAN GOD YOU LET THESE GAMES CONTROL YOUR LIFE'
this was literally a weekly occurrence.

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>>39137649
"It's not cool to bad mouth your dad brah. Hey wait a sec, aren't you that quiet kid that used to red those mango books in highschool?"

>>39131655
I'm ready Tyrone. Breed me.

>>39137833
"Yeah man. I ended up taking an art course and now help animate cartoons. I'm about to pitch my newest idea to cartoon network and they seem really interested in the idea. Hows that carwash treating you? It must be hard raising 3 kids on your own? Oh what? You're still together? Why did I see Stacy in here with Tyrone then?"

>>39137833
Why yes I am Chad and I'm also still a virgin too. Do you want to help me change that?

what was in the fedex package tho

>>39138053
onahole or bad dragon dildo

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"Nothin' like a visit to a small business, the drivers of the economy, to round out the job-hunting day, Champ. Whaddya mean working here would be embarrassing? Champ, my first job was sweeping floors for your great-grandparents when I was 16 years old. It was tedious work, but I earned enough on the side to buy me a Mustang. Whaddya mean why don't I help you get a job at the company? Champ, you give a poor man a fish and you feed him for a day. You teach him to fish and you give him an occupation that will feed him for a lifetime. It's all about being independent."

"All you've gotta do is show up, speak with the manager, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make. Go on, Champ. He won't bite."

this is the best dadpost ever, bravo anon

>>39128050
What did they find in the fedex box?

champbosting is the best thing about r9k

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"Herro, son. How go job hunt? No good? Son, arr you need to do is go in, speak with managel, rook him in eye, bow in humber gratitude, and terr him you be leriaberr and punctuar. I drive you tomorrow. Wear best crothes and bring five copies of biodata. Ok, see you."

>>39128050
But dad I got a job already in the salt factory.

I love these so much don't stop making them

>>39128050
Oh for FUCKS SAKE, WOULD YOU SHUT UP!?
Do you even know how the world has changed? Do you LOOK at the world around you when you're driving to your boring-ass job anymore!? SHIT HAS CHANGED. You can't buy a fucking steak for a quarter anymore, you can't buy a fucking pack of GUM for a penny now, and you certainly can't buy 2 FUCKING CARS AND A VACATION HOME ON MINIMUM GOD DAMN WAGE! IT'S NOT. POSSIBLE.
And do you even know what they're looking for in today's job market? Do you even know how important a computer and connections and a degree are? They don't want a handshake, they don't even want to LOOK at you now until you've filled something out online which is the nicest way for a business to say 'fuck off'.
I've tried. Nearly every business in this dead-end, god-forsaken town. TWICE. What do you think that says, Dad? Hm?
Oh, I'm sorry, did I distract you from your memories from the 'good old days'? Days of your nice car and young body and hip music? Well, too bad. They're DEAD! They're GONE. They're never coming back and you get to live in the shitty world that you've left for me. Thanks.
Go to hell.

This was truly great. Thanks my dudes

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>>39139625
"Excuses never got anyone anywhere, Champ. When I was your age, I got turned down from several places, too. But I didn't pout, Champ. No, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and rucked to the factory in some of most nightmarish weather the Northeast has ever seen. Nearly lost my hands and toes to frostbite that day, but the manager was so impressed that he shook my hand and hired me right on the spot. You can go a long way with a little confidence, Champ. And nothing proves that quite like showing up, speaking with the manager, giving him a firm handshake, and telling him you're the right man for the job. It's as simple as that, Champ. Where there's a will, there's a way!"

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>>39140029
Is it strange that I am hard right now?

but internet dad at my job in the funeral industry i get yelled at for being a self-starter

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>22 yo son
>Attends college
>Recently got a part-time job
>Happy for him, decide to take him out to dinner to celebrate
>Drive him around town to look for a second job instead

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u just need to be more confidnt when interviewin, bro

>>39128050
alright dad, lets go. i finally need this push and im glad youre making me take this step

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>>39141861
Great, Champ! There's nothing you can't achieve with a little confidence and a firm handshake.

>>39142296
if i go to a car dealership and give a salesman a confident firm handshake will he give me a free car?

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"ANON, IT'S TIME YOU WENT OUTSIDE AND GOT A JOB. LOOK AT YOU: YOU'VE BEEN IN THE HOUSE THE LAST FIVE YEARS. YOUR FRIENDS ARE BUYING THEIR OWN HOUSES WHILE YOU'RE SITTING IN FRONT OF THAT COMPUTER WASTING YOUR LIFE. IT'S NOT NORMAL ANYMORE. IT'S NOT OKAY ANYMORE. I'M DRIVING YOU AROUND TOWN TO LOOK FOR A JOB AND YOU'RE GONNA WORK -- WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, YOUNG MAN."

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>>39143034
"Ah, ah, ah. That's not the way, Champ. I didn't raise a mooch. If you want something in life, you've gotta work for it. You give a poor man a fish and you feed him for a day. You teach him to fish and you give him an occupation that will feed him for a lifetime. It's all about being independent and self-sustaining, Champ, and that's what you'll become when you get a job. All you've gotta do is show up, speak with the manager, give him a firm handshake, and tell him you'll be the best hire they'll ever make. It's as simple as that, Champ."

>>39133839

If the rejections happen a couple of days after the interview, you might want to see what an automated background check turns up.

Maybe some random mexican was working using your SSN on their fake ID, and drove a forklift off a loading dock while stoned? You might be flagged "fired for being stoned at work".

Fill out this form, and send it in. Equifax will send back a copy of your employment record from their database, and you can contest anything that is wrong.

theworknumber.com/Employees/DataReport/report_request.pdf

Dad I have a job now, can you stop calling me a worthless leech because I forgot to put away the dishes after working my 7th 12 hour night shift in a row? Words hurt.

>tfw my parents never gave a shit what I did
Honestly feels pretty good desu.