How do I get off this ride for fucks sake. >23 >life long

The only way to get off this path is to off yourself and do it right or stop being a pussy and feeling bad for yourself, get a pet or hobby literally anything you care about and make it the object of your existence to succeed and give your life a false sense of worth in this vast and meaningless pit of despair

>>39036530
>>39036530
fuck that other anon, i believe in you, op. I know it's hard, it's harder than anything, but you have to do what's right for yourself. I can't tell you how to fix your life, but it will never get better unless you try. You CAN be happy. Don't ever give up. Don't let that other faggot poster get to you. Don't ever give up. Do it for yourself and your future happiness. I know you have it in you. The will to live is inside you. Life is just so hard that you can't feel it right now, but it's there.

>>39036619
This, it never ends OP, just pray for death everyday and hope it comes swiftly
>>39036678
Fuck off normie faggot

>>39036530
OP I know you're still lurking. When I said I believed in you, I was telling the truth. If you want to vent, I will be here. I'm going to keep this tab open and keep a look out for you. Please don't die.

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WHY ARE YOU NOT DIGGING A HOLE RIGHT NOW

>>39036772
>>39036801
Lashing out on others isn't going to heal the hole in your chest.

>>39036530
you're just going to get older and all your cries for help were pointless

>>39036822
Hope you fucking die you psuedo-intellectual sheltered cuck faggot

>>39036530
Commit ACTUAL sudoku and drive a katana in your tummy.

>>39036839
I hope you healthily deal with your inner turmoil and come to live a happy and fulfilling life.

>>39036530
Still here, OP.

>>39037051
It's not inner turmoil when it's been forced onto you from your upbringing and environment

Fuck off naive normalfag you have no idea what true suffering is

I am in the same boat OP

all you can do is conform to something i guess or try rehab. otherwise i can't really figure out a way out either. it's ruined all my relationships.

>>39037138
Your suffering is genuine, anon, but it does not justify your behavior. I hope you can see this and stop driving people off someday. <3

>>39037226
Try growing up in dysfunctional white trash abusive family and being molested as a kid, see what it does to you

I staved it off with opiates for years and now I have to drink myself to sleep until I can't see straight anymore every single night. You've got no idea what you're talking about and you're a sheltered sanctimonious faggot

Hope I fucking die of alcohol poisoning or cancer, you don't even know. Yes it does justify my behavior, some people were born to flounder and die, that's just life.

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>>39037139
I've been to rehab. It helped me stay sober for 2 months, but I relapse for 2 months of non-stop using, mostly cocaine, alcohol, weed and a week opiate all day long. There was also other shit (benzos, acid, mollies, DXM).

>>39036779
What pisses me is that I've tried going to NA but I fucking hate it, it's full of normies. The NA program and the 12 step program was written by normies for normies, all I hear is failed Chads whining about not fucking the girls they want or Stacies whining about their vagina.

I tried going looking for friends but I just hate humanity in general. I have a "decent" job but I don't want anything, I've fucked up all my hobbies, I don't want a wife, I don't want a big mansion or luxury shit, I do want kids which is kinda ironic because I'm a big fuck up.

Also I'm not a virgin, I've fucked prostitutes so many times I got bored of sex, women are stupid. I'd be a faggot but I don't like men.

>>39037318
>I've fucked up all my hobbies
I was going to single out and reply to a bunch of lines from your post, but this one in specific caught my attention. How do you fuck up hobbies? I get that with depression comes anhedonia and hobbies don't give as much pleasure, but that's not fucking up the hobbies, per se, it's just not enjoying them as much. How do you mean by this, then?

When I reached absolute rock bottom, where there was nothing that I lived for except to get high, the desire to feel passionate about things again was one of the instigators in trying to turn things around. I'm in a similar boat to you in many respects. I stopped reaching out or interacting with people a long time ago because I'd lost the drive, because I was tired of being rejected and because I eventually came to hate everyone. But when I had nothing else, I decided to live for myself.

I view the self as the most important aspect of one's existence. At rock bottom, there was so much shit in my life that I'd fucked up and been fucking up for years. I've had many terrible acid trips where every negative thing in my life slapped me, punched me in the face over and over again. I saw the black void inside of myself.

I'm not gonna pretend that I'm all better now. Many of my worst fuckups have been somewhat recent, so the initial hurt has yet to subside. But the one thing I gained from all of this hell was deciding to life for no one and nothing but myself (at least until my life is more stable).

So when you said you fucked up your hobbies, it stuck out to me. A hobby is something that's done as a personal pursuit. At the moment, I still don't want to live anymore. But I will. I'm not saying you have to get in touch with your artsy side and write a novel. but the fact that you say you fucked up your hobbies tells me immediately that you've given up on yourself.

Cont

>>39037318
>>39037590
Cont

The thing is, anon, I don't have any secrets for you. That's what I've come to as a conclusion. There are no secrets in life. There is no secret way to be happy or to find the will to live or to feel fulfilled.

This was the hardest thing I ever had to admit to myself.

I looked at myself and saw how I've fucked up literally every aspect of my life with my bad decisions fueled by bad feelings. Regardless of what's happened to me, I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I fucked up. Not the people who've abused me. Or my parents for passing on shitty genes and mental illness. Or the unfortunate things that have occured. I made every rash, scatter brained decision that caused my life to be so shit.

And I hate that. I still can't accept it. And I wish I could. I'd say I'm trying, but I'm not even at that point yet.

And of course, all of this led me to realize that my life would always be like this. My life would always be shit. I would always hate myself. I would always be alone. I would always be hopelessly staving off withdrawals. I would always be masking my feelings with drugs. I would always be a loser with no money to his name, a mountain of stress killing his ability to sleep and soul-crushing depression injecting visions of suicide into his mind during every second of the day.

And I don't want that. I can't handle that anymore. I would rather die.

But I don't want to die. I don't want to waste my life even more. I begged myself to change for so long but didn't. I told myself I couldn't. I still haven't changed entirely. I have strep throat rn, but still can't stop myself from smoking fucking cigarettes.

But what, at the very least, made me want to change for real was the realization that if I ever wanted to be happy, ever wanted to free myself from multiple drug addictions ever wanted to not be lonely I would have to be the one to do it. And the one I would do it for? Myself.

cont

>>39037318
>>39037590
>>39037684
I'm the only one who can bare the responsibility of unfucking my life. There is literally nothing anyone can do for me short of handing me a winning lottery ticket, an amazing job referral and pointing me in the direction of my soulmate. And that's never gonna happen.

For once in my life I want to believe in myself. For once in my life I want to not be a worthless piece of garbage. Because I can't do it anymore. If I don't change, I might as well fucking kill myself.

But I won't fucking let myself.

I wish I had something better to tell you, anon. I really do. I swear to god I do. But that's all that I've come to. You have to learn to rely on yourself. You have to learn to not give up on yourself. Yes, it's hard as fuck and will make you want to die even more. Yes, there will be many hiccups along the way. Yes, you will not want to do it. I don't either. But it's literally all we've got. I believe in myself and I believe in you. Please stop living like this. Please prove to yourself that you are not helpless. Please be strong. Do it for you.

I don't think you're even here anymore, but if you are I hope my words can give you something. If I could reach through the computer screen and tell you I believe in you in person, I would.

>>39037294
I know you're not here anymore, but if you are, I think these last few posts of mine might help you, too.

I wish both of you the best.

>>39036530
The fact that you get off the stuff for a few months shows that at some level you want to get better.

It's the farthest from easy and many, many people don't make it but I can tell you from my own experiences it's worth it if you can.

I'm not going to offer some canned advice like "you gotta believe in urself" or whatever but I can tell you there is true joy in life it's just hard to believe the effort of continuing is worth it.
for me, it was.

the depression and damage from growing up in a fucked up environment never truly leave but it can be a lot better and manageable.
I've met some cool people and traveled to some neat places that I wouldn't have been able to if I had succeeded in my last suicide attempt.
I can't give you hope, you'll have to find that on your own but I sincerely do hope you don't give up trying.
you deserve better by merit of simply being a person.

Do you have people who have your back? who are pushing you to improve?
do you have people who are enabling this sort of self destruction?
It's hard to go it alone.

>>39036530
basically you're fucked.
once you get hooked on alcohol its hard to go back.
when you drink its like the hole in your soul fills. its like a warm hug from a bear

>>39036530
details? care to elaborate?