Toilet paper is a trick. It's an honest to God scheme. Try

I moisten the toilet paper and add a drop of liquid soap on the center.

or get a fucking bidet

>>39034878
or just use the shower and keep the toilet for your uncivilized guests who shit in your toilet instead of shitting at home instead.

not memeing just use your hand

soap is there for a reason

and i work in food service so thats just proof that i stay clean because otherwise i wouldnt have a job

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You are a stupid faggot, OP.
Toilet paper is designed to be broken down by the sewer system. It's soft and has a weak constitution for this exact reason

Paper towels are not. They take forever to break down in the sewers, and can clog shit up.

If you continue to flush paper towels, and everyone else does, we all lose access to the sewers because they're fucking CLOGGED

I have my girlfriend (male) lick it clean for me and then I make out with them every time I doodoo. Every. Time.

>>39034925
I'd rather die than poop at somebody else's house, but sometimes its a better option than shitting your pants.

Just wait until you try a bidet.

>>39034947
I poop in public stalls at the grocery store.

>>39034942
I don't flush the paper towels, idiot. I throw them out in the garbage bin with the rest of my trash.

>>39034933
Tell your manager no balls

Delusional cuck

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>>39034964
>throwing doo doo paper in the trash

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>>39034878
use the shower or get a bidet
water is the ultimate ass cleaning technology
it's much quicker and easier on your asshole

Bidet.
You can get one for 20 bucks you have literally no excuse.
I buy toilet paper maybe three times a year. When I go someplace on vacation it takes no less than 9 wipes to get anywhere near clean. And by that time my asshole is usually bleeding.

>>39034933
WHEN YOU'RE SITTIN' ON THE JOHN AND THE TOILET PAPER'S GONE BE A MAN; USE YOUR HAND.

>>39034976
Diapers go in the trash all the time, shitty paper towels can too. It's not a problem.

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>>39034981
also, if you insist on using toilet paper like a retard, shaving your hairy ass makes the process much quicker
i didn't experience any itchiness when i did it, and it cut my wiping time down significantly while also allowing me to do a better job

>>39035019
and kitty litter.... though I tried flushing kitty litter once and my landlord was PISSED.

>>39035019
>he doesn't have a diaper waste box

>>39034987
i have a bidet at home and i took a shit at work twice today. my fucking angus had some trauma

>tfw wipe fifty times and still have a dirty asshole

>keep small bowl by toilet
>fill it with fresh water from sink before every dump
>use bowl to damp TP before wiping

No bidet needed. You can also use this method at work too if you bring the bowl into the bathroom with you.

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>>39034964
>mfw I realized OP lives in one of those third world "Throw your TP in the trash" countries

>>39035147
the way you wipe your ass is the dumbest shit i've ever heard

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>>39035141
shave your ass
it makes a fucking massive difference
it's not like anyone is going to see it anyways
or if someone is going to see it, they won't complain about you not having a hairy, shit-covered asshole

>>39035270
How do I do that? What razor do I use?

>>39035288
any razor, as long as you're careful with it
if you don't want to use the same razor you use to shave your face, you could buy a disposable one
i would recommend doing it in the shower after you get wet and going by feel instead of sight
just lay on your back and reach back there

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>>39035288
>>39035351
with asscheeks spread, obviously
the target area is the inside of your asscheeks, near your asshole

>>39034878
Try this: your toilet clogs up with shit-coated paper towels because you're trying to ignore innovation and be smarter than so-called "normies"

>>39035365
What if I cut myself? I'm scared.

>>39034878
How does that work for you? When I dampen toilet paper is starts to break apart and I'm left with small pieces stuck on my asshole. I just buy wipes now

>>39034925
>having guests over
normiescum spotted

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>>39035401
have more faith in the durability of your asshole, anon
you can be delicate at first, and then apply enough force to remove hairs when your asshole doesn't get cut
remember that you're shaving the area around your asshole, not the asshole itself

- lying on side with asscheeks spread
- in shower, wet with warm water

>>39035455
>tfw will never shave someones asshole

>>39035401
You'll heal.

I recently hit the age where I get ruptured hemroids on occasion. It's shocking to see a red bowl, but your body is designed to stop itself from bleeding and fight infection.

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>>39035526
is that age 24?
please tell me it's 24
for a friend

>>39035401
Don't listen to these retards. Buy a trimmer, don't actually shave your asshole.

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>>39035570
>he doesn't shave his asshole
i do it regularly and I can say with confidence that it works
it may not work for everyone, but it certainly does for me

>>39035569
It was 25 for me.
Thought I was dying or maybe had ass cancer first it happened.

>>39035019
Diapers are designed to contain the smell though. That's why they're so fucking thick.

You'll have to wrap like 20 paper towels just to mask that shit. So you're actually wasting more time and money by using paper towels.

Also, I've never had to wipe 3x times after taking a dump with toilet paper. Sounds like you need more fiber in your diet.

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If you squat like nature intended you don't even need toilet paper.

>>39035871
I never sit on the seat.(because it's usually cold as fuck)

I just sort of hover of the toilet while holding the handle. It's also useful when using public toilets because I don't have to waste time putting toilet paper on the seat.

>>39034904
Idiot. That would irritate.

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>People ITT don't know that feel after taking a massive dump and wiping your ass just to see that you left behind zero fecal residue

>Squat
>shit
>pull up pants

>>39034942

Threads like OP and responses like these remind me of this commercial:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uO-E2T1hayU

>>39035953
On the same note, i just installed a bidet on my toilet and I've realized i have to squat down to get all the poop out of my butthole.
You should still clean up probs though when just squatting

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>>39035953
>choked
i'd like to choke her poo hole with my weeny

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you can always just shit on the street like a true pajeet

>>39034933
I use my hand when I take a shit and realize there's no toilet paper. It feels satisfying though if you have water and soap to clean it all up in there

>>39034878
mongoloids in 2017 without a bidet

are you living in 3rd world shitholes?

>>39035633

Same, 25, have a round lump in my ass, often bleeds while shitting. Oh Well it May be an easy exit.

Can someone recommend a good bidet?

>>39034878
paper towels clog up pipes.

>>39034995
That is some classic and legendary poetry