Random greentext thread I'll start >Be me >4 years

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Random greentext thread
I'll start
>Be me
>4 years ago
>Brother comes back from his tour in Iraq
>Brings a bunch of MREs(Basically military rations)
>Tells me to try them
>Pick the Pork rib MRE
>Open the bag
>Looks disgusting
>Taste it
>Not bad
>Eat 3 bags of that shit
>Big mistake
>Fast forward 1 day
>Stomach starts uttering a whale call
>Tactical shitstrike inbound
>Book it to bathroom
>Smack asscheeks onto the toilet
>Attempt to shit
>All that comes out is a god awful fart that sounded like a 30mm Gatling gun
>Sat there for around 2 hours attempting to shit
>Nada
>Every time I try, it won't budge
>Realise that if I am to defeat the beast, I must bite the bullet and face the pain
>Push with the force of 2 Rhino tanks
>Nothing
>Start to spread my cheeks with my hands
>Utter a legit battle cry to get my diaphragm to push with enough force
>Brother hears it in the other room
>Audible keks
>Suddenly, I feel sharp pain that can't be compared to any other feeling
>Asshole expanding to sizes beyond human comprehension
>I am in agony
>Tears in my eyes
>I can only assume this is what it feels like to be raped by a big black man
>About to pass out from pushing
>Suddenly
>Kersploosh
>Toilet water splashed my ass
>Let out a long, loose fart
>My god the relief
>It was done
>Afraid to look into the toilet
>For when you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes back
>The log had the length and width of a can of Monster energy drink, and had a considerable amount of blood
>Wipe for about 20 minutes
>Attempt to get up
>Legs are asleep
>Stumble out of the bathroom
>Brother is on the couch
Moral of the story, MREs really suck