>can't tell if my actions are selfless or selfish >can't

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>>38445440
Self-awareness.introspection brings you closer to true enlightenment

>>38445440
you're high, get off all screens and addictive substances

>>38445440
This is the feel where you realize reality is determinable by the onlooker, so make some choices, OP.

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I have no idea who I am or where I belong and I feel like a whiny entitled prick for even obsessing over that. As if I deserve to find some fulfillment. I tried embracing nihlism and just falling into a career at a fast food joint after completing a STEM degree but I feel myself forgetting what I was. I didn't like it and I couldn't bear it. In going back for my masters. Can't help but feel if I am taking a step forward or crawling back into the womb of academia because the real world is too scary for me.

I have to do well but it isn't that I don't believe in myself. It's that I don't believe me at all. I have no trust of myself after all the shit i pulled and all the times I let myself down. I don't have control of myself and I don't know how to. It's like my personality is designed to inflict as much angst and psychological damage on itself until I blow my brains out. It's like all my disposition has to offer me is a choice between getting crushed to death by stagnation or ripped apart by the obstacles to by ambitious.