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Alright anon I want you to know you're not alone, this is a common problem and everything's gonna get better because I'm here now. Who am I? I'm a professional Mommy-Breaker. I've personally liberated 43 Special Boys and reduced as many Mommies and GamGams to tears. You wanna flip the tables? Here's what you do:
1) Mommy does not subscribe to pack mentality. Throw away everything you know about Alphas and Betas, and try to think of it as you and her being on opposite ends of a see-saw. You're the Special Boy and she's the Mommy. This is about balance.
2) Over the course of days, start to mirror her behavior and patterns. Speak using her own words. Mimic her posture. Maybe even do one of the chores that she does? But only if you think you're ready.
3) Grow your hair out as long and as fast as you can, including face and pubes. Maybe shave a dog and glue it on, we need to go primal here.
4) By now the Mommy will notice something is changing. She will either retreat and become meek (good), or far more likely, she will go on the offensive to try to re-establish the status quo. This is when you need to buy a briefcase.
5) Similar to the caveman hair, the briefcase will speak to a deep, deep instinct in her. She knows a briefcase means business, and she knows body hair means a man, so therefore you are now a BUSINESS MAN. This is the tipping point.
6) Swagger into the kitchen while she's in there (again, this is a psychological battle so you need to take it to her on her home turf: the kitchen). Put one leg up on the chair and spew out a mix of simplified business terms. For example: "Me want go over quarterly reports. Me boss is prick. Work stress back pain." This should cause her to swoon with a sudden onset of millenias worth of ancestral instinct, and it's time for the coup de grace:
7) Put an empty cup on the table. Say "make me a drink." From here two things will happen
A - She makes you a drink. This is good, you have won. Congrats!
Or
B -
>cont'd
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>>38358575
Contingency B is no fun. If your Mommy is statted for quick recovery, she may smack the cup off the table and tell you to go back to your room. From here you have another decision to make:
B1: You need to retreat. Go back to your room, shave another dog, buy another briefcase and come back hairier and more business-like than ever before. Maybe paint some buffaloes on the walls of the kitchen, every bit helps.
B2) Run out the kitchen door and never come back. You bet it all and you took the fall. All men must die.
B3) This is the nuclear option and one that I CANNOT recommend in good conscience, but I have used it to great effect - but then again, I'm a pro. Here it is: put your dick on the table. Literally put your dick on the table, or as close to the table as you can get it. Upon seeing her Special Boy's no-no, the Mommy will degenerate into a squabbling puddle of bile and viscera; she will melt into a bloody puddle on the floor. Good God man, what's wrong with your dick? But hey, you won.
Follow these simple instructions and you will be free of the domineering mater in your life. But I'm not free, you owe me $500.
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Oh, I almost forgot! None of this matters if you have a father figure. He is the Alpha, and you need to pay for my 3-disc set, "How to Subdue Your Parents." I'm not going to give away the whole thing, but it involves these intriguing bits:
- Bowler hats
- A car
- Photoshop
- A fake twin
- At least 3 guns
- Taxidermy
- Mac and Cheese without the Mac
- Toe condoms
- A Thai man named Murray
- Embezzlement
- Copious amounts of lead-based paint
(You) me to order a copy for the low low price of your firstborn child!
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