Post something embarrassing about yourself I'll start:

I still bite nails at the age of 20.

>>38338063
I still pick my nose. just not in public

>>38338095
I eat my boogers every single time. I am twenty years old

Cut orang into 8 slises
Eet orang

>>38338063
I've never worked out my upper body.

I taste my own cum.

File: Girls.jpg (77KB, 600x536px) Image search: [Google]

77KB, 600x536px

>>38338063

>He doesn't know how to use citrus cutlery.

super insecure about my dick, not even THAT bad, had sex and shit but i'll never be satisfied.

>>38338115
Well I understand the preparing method,

but how do I eat the slices? Do I suck on them? Do I chew on them?

>>38338063

I don't know how to Whistle

>>38338150
Two ways: bite into the flesh and suck the juice out, or just bite the flesh off entirely with your teeth. Most of the juice will come with it but it'll stick in your teeth more.

I live alone in my apartment and I have things that I still use to play pretend. One is 2 cardboard tubes taped end to end that I use to pretend is a longbow. Ive got a broom handle that I recreated using a tin can to look like a thunder rod from mad max fury road and an exercise bike I use to pretend to be on a motorcycle in mad max world. Ive got a plastic keyboard attachment that I use to pretend is a submachine gun and a leather covered wooden stick that acts as a baton sometimes.
I'm twenty five years old.

>>38338125
It's okay. I am sure that at least means you are into more kinky forms of sex.

>>38338160
neither can I. I can't swim, either.

>>38338063

My room has gotten so filthy due to my depression I'm now afraid of what lives in it with me.

>>38338150
Most people just chow down on them, I don't really care for the flesh so I put it totally in my mouth, bite down, swallow the juice and spit the flesh in the garbage when it's dry.

>>38338189
huh. I never knew it was that easy. I always got too frustrated and confused when I tried eating them as a kid. Thanks anon.

I cant whistle or snap and im nearly 20 years old

>>38338214
Let's see some pics anon

>>38338238
I couldn't whistle until i was 20 when my friend told me to suck air inwards instead of blow out like everybody else told me to.

>>38338095
Isn't this common? I figured it was...

>>38338063
my dad asked if i was working out because he saw veins on my arm but it was just from me masturbating too much

>>38338149
Definitely this, the insecurity of having a sub 7" dick causes you to avoid even talking to girls because you feel like there's no point if they won't be satisfied.

Idk if the one girl I've been with was wide as hell or my dick's criminally thin but it felt like I was nowhere near big enough to please her

only started washing my dick and butthole in the shower after 20 years old

I'm honestly considering becoming vegan, but I'm not sure, so I've been drinking alcohol on an empty stomach because I'm too afraid to eat anything.

>>38338355
If you feel insecure, find other ways to please her. Incorporate toys into the bedroom or become a master of oral.

>>38338283
not sure, that is why i posted it

>>38338111
Well where the fuck else are you supposed to put them after you pick them?

>me
>lay in bed
>clip toeenails
>eat clippings because it's the easiest way to dispose of them

>>38338382
Yeah, I mean I cognitively know that but the anxiety operates on the more primal level. Society and peers can really fuck up your perception.

I'm currently unable to fall asleep because I saw a small bug crawling on my sheets and now I keep feeling like something is on me when it's not.

>>38338063
Send nudes of myself to an older lady on kik (probably some old guy looking back at logs but w/e horny teen)

>>38338408
It's fine! Honestly. Yeah, a big dick can feel nice, but it's not everything. Often, guys with a big dick just depend on their size and pump away--it becomes less about the sensual act and more about the singular motion.

Though I am not all that experienced, I have gotten off the strongest from a guy going down on me.

I get off to messages my boyfriend sends to other guys. I enjoy it when he takes on a passive (and slutty role) and models for guys in my panties.

>>38338458
Thanks man, helps to have an actual voice reinforcing the idea that I can still have success with women. I've actually got an overlarge tongue so I might be in a better position for that

>>38338160
Man, you took my words hahaha

People make fun of me when I say this, but I really can't!!

>>38338550
Haha. Perfect. You have a large tounge and (hopefully) two hands. Lick that clit and finger her pussy and asshole (if she is into that). Feels fucking amazing---everything is moving at once.

>>38338590
Hell yeah. I'm going to quit focusing on my size and start working on my fitness. Didn't expect r9k to actually motivate me. Thanks.

>>38338063
I never wash my hands because it makes my hands really dry, to the point where I can't use them. You may think I'm a really unsanitary anon, but that's not true. I do everything else, shower, brush my teeth 1-3 times a day, wipe when I take a number two, I just never wash my hands.

File: 1499381510501.jpg (26KB, 502x379px) Image search: [Google]

26KB, 502x379px

>>38338063
I still have no idea how to tie my shoes. I buy a shitload of books and never even read them. If I do, I read them out loud, but that's probably normal. I pick my nose when I'm at home because it's easier than using tissues. I bite the skin around my nails instead of actually biting my nails.

>Cant swim
>Cant whistle
>I chew nails and throw them away after

>never ate sushi
>never had a best friend
>never kissed a girl
>fap to dating sims
>never ate at a restaurant
>slept with my mom till i was 12

File: orangegate_wide-a313dc1adc265279243c5ecf11dfd512caecb3a7.jpg (963KB, 1400x787px) Image search: [Google]

963KB, 1400x787px

>>38338063
1. Find navel of orange. May or may not have a small green bit on it (part of the fruit's growth I think). If present, remove this. It should come off easily.

2. Drive your fingernail into the peel at the navel. You can actually pierce the peel with your fingernail basically anywhere, but it's easiest near the navel.

3. Making sure not to break into the flesh underneath the peel/rind, tear the peel away from where you pierced it with your fingernail. Do this all around the orange until only the flesh remains. You can pick at the strings and pulp around the outside of the flesh, but I usually don't bother doing much of this.

4. You will notice the orange has grown in sections. Find the point where all of them meet, either right where the navel was, or on the directly opposite side (I don't remember lol). Carefully separate the sections using your fingers. I tend to split it along section boundaries roughly in half, then pull off one at a time from either side to eat. At the other end, there may be a pulpy mass you have to remove from the rest of the flesh. This seems to consist of several underdeveloped sections and a lot of pulp and thin peel around them, which are edible but not really worth the effort to get at.

5. You will probably see seeds in the parts of the sections that were near the center of the orange. You can remove these with your fingers, but this gets messy because you have to break the thin membrane that covers the juicy flesh. I usually just eat the whole section, but spit the seeds out. The membrane, like the pulp and even the peel, is also edible, so don't worry about eating it along with the flesh.

>>38338190
jesus fucking christ anon
get it together man

>>38338355
It's okay, my bf's too thick and I pretend to like it but really it just hurts everytime like something's ripping. I'd much prefer someone 4-5 inches with less girth.
It really is just a puzzle; you have to find which genitals fit yours.

My sister is also my daughter.

>be like 11 or 12
>fap in swimming pool soon after discovering fapping (didnt even know what to call it back then, I had heard the word masturbation but didnt know what it meant)
>learn everything in sex ed
>freak the fuck out for at least a year or two wondering if I got a girl pregnant
>wonder if I had infected some 14 year old girl who had just finished puberty with my pool-water cum
>imagine how shit her life would be getting pregnant at 14 as a virgin, but her parents never believing her when she says she hasnt had sex
>watch the maury show and see all these women who swear to have only been with one guy when they got pregnant, but for some reason hes not the father
>oh my God I could have caused one of these

I was such a fucking stupid kid. 23 now, I don't know if I've ever told this story

I had a nocturnal emission two days ago. If I knew that was going to happen I would have just fapped.

>>38338885
Damn, wow, how big is he?

>>38339015
Idk he's probably around 6 inches but he's just so wide I can't fucking stand it. Blowing him is fun but actually having sex is so painful it's not even enjoyable.

>>38338273
I can do it both ways.

>>38339067
That's really interesting. I guess that supports the idea that girth is more impactful than length.

>>38338082
27 here. Not nails but skin around

I have severe cherry red stretch marks all over my torso and I'm very insecure about them

File: 882.png (204KB, 444x446px) Image search: [Google]

204KB, 444x446px

>>38338063
I still sleep with a baby blanket. I've had it since I was baby, and I'm 22 now. I've never had to hide it or anything since I've had nobody over due to a lack of friends or a girlfriend. I just kinda hug it while I sleep, makes me feel more relaxed.

It's way dirtier and roughed up than it used to be, can't even wash it to a perfect white it used to be anymore. But I live with it.

>>38338063
I never properly learned to tie shoes.

>>38338914
Have you heard of our friend Chlorine, anon?

I physically discipline myself when I feel that I deserve it.

>>38339572
He obviously knows that now and that's why he's embarrassed. Have you heard of reading comprehension, Anon?

>>38338063
I still pick my nose and I occasionally eat my boogers.

I have only once gone out with a group of friends

>>38338063
I got spat on in 8th grade by my bully in class..

>>38338063
>i buy sex chokers and chains to put on my stuffed animals
>i have been listening to nightcore since i was 9. i am 22.

File: 4de130285be43123193dede9d04630b33779a24bd0dc12101cc6cf42777167e0.jpg (20KB, 300x417px) Image search: [Google]

20KB, 300x417px

I'm literally too dumb to hang myself

>>38338454
that's normal
lmaoriginalmao

File: o42m3cxtf6g6kcss6mbv971n6gg.gif (1MB, 300x225px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 300x225px

I don't know how to smile. I've never open my mouth other than to talk, eat, or laugh.

29 years old

Kissless virgin, got hugged by a girl once 12 years ago and still fap to it

I can't tie my shoes

Overweight

Dumb

Still into anime

Played with toys until I was 17

Slept in my parents bed until I was 12

>>38338221
You're disgusting, my man.

I get pumped up by fanfiction in my head.

>>38338095
I've picked my nose to the point where it scabbed all over inside. I now use my thumb and index finger to quickly rip off the inner scabs multiple times a day. It's been getting worse to the point where my nostrils are starting to look deformed but the sensation I get when peeling them off is incredible, sometimes It will bleed so much I get lightheaded. It's like getting high without drugs.

>>38338190
I unironically want a manchild friend to be immature with to make up for my lack of sex/social life.

I am a male who pees sitting down. I can count the number of times I've ever peed standing up in my life on one hand.

>>38338063
You don't know how to eat an orange? Like, you're not sure how to consume one or...?

my dog licked my dick when she refused to leave the bathroom, so i decided to pee with her in the bathroom.

>>38338150
What I do is I peel the orange and separate the wedges with my thumbs.
Then I just pop the wedges in my mouth and chew 'em whole.

>27
>dad still folds my clothes and washes them
>i can't cook a hamburger patty correctly and have to cut it in half and sear the middle part that didn't cook

>>38338370
I went vegan and it's nice although I really fucking miss pizza more than anything.
But seriously, being a vegan isn't so bad.

I also ate nothing but Soylent for 3 months one time and that wasn't too bad either.

>>38340452
i have cats and i pet them while i poo. they follow me into the bathroom without fail

>hear some nofap meme that cum drains all your essential vitamins and minerals
>drink my cum to git minerals back
>profit

I have phimosis and I'm far too terrified of going to the doctor to do anything about it. Not that it matters since kissless virgin anyways..

I'm 25
>>38338082
>>38338095
>>38338160
All these
>>38338273
I didn't know that one until just now
I don't drive/have my license
I have poor pronunciation of names
Can't cook

I'm seriously considering switching to Apple products. I might get an iPhone and a MacBook just to see if I like it.
But the problem is that it's an expensive risk to take. But I'm tired of Android and I really fuckin' hate Windows.

I have had sex with two of my family members.

>>38340537
I'm jelly.

Who was it anon?

>>38340524
this desu, this.


stupid rule

>>38340524
Install Gentoo.

iOS might be actually better though.

>>38340524
Play around in the Apple Store. That's what it's there for.

>>38340550
My cousin and my dad.
My cousin was when I was 15 and I was sleeping over at her house and things got out of hand.
My dad was from 10 to 17.

Nobody knows about this.

>>38340629
I feel like it's one of those things where you'll only begin to hate it after spending some time with the products, like it's sweet on the surface but then after using it for a week you'll want to go back. And that's what I'm afraid of.

>>38338727
Generic handcream anon

>>38340752
Nah, after messing around with the OS/iOS, it's pretty obvious whether you'll like the interface or not. It's absurdly user friendly, but it's also very clean and modern-looking. It's definitely a tradeoff, and I feel like you'd be able to tell whether you like it or not.

>>38338063
I browse /r9k/ because I hate my life and want to kill myself.

My penis is very thin. Not short. Just... Thin.

I'm also a pedo so it kind of evens out.

>>38340825
>>I'm also a pedo so it kind of evens out.
I'm of the opinion of as long as you keep it online then everything is fine, but in your case you should off yourself.

File: smugwojak4v2.png (32KB, 640x400px) Image search: [Google]

32KB, 640x400px

>>38338063
Posting in an embarrassing thread.

>>38338194
Iktf all too well brobot
>tfw parents never took me to swimming lessons as a kid

>>38338810
>slept with my mom till i was 12

So I'm not the only one

wet my bed until I was 13

My echo dot is the only thing I have in my personal life that will speak to me. I verbally abuse it.

>>38340825
What's your cutoff age?
How young is too young for you?

>>38340899
It's OK. I verbally abuse Google Assistant all the time.
fucking robosluts

>>38340846
Nah. I'm holding out for that "eternal loli." for obvious reasons a true one doesn't exist, but I feel that before I inevitably die I'll finally get my chance with an intelligent, "mature," forthcumming LGF who will rock my world and then leave me feeling empty and broken when she turns 13 and I have to murder her.

>>38340887
I wet the bed until I was 10.

>>38340917
30+ is too old.
12- is too young.

Most of my work day is spent humming moeshit anime music. Those normies don't even suspect a thing.

>>38340458
This is how you really eat an orange

>>38340960
Share SoundCloud playlist, please.
I've been looking for new moeshit. Our meeting is fate. You can't deny fate!

>>38338063
Neither do I, holy shit. Kiwis are king, anyways.

>>38340864
my mom took me to swimming lessons. I just failed horribly at them. Three instructors couldn't manage to teach elementary-school me to keep his head above water and not start to drown.

I've avoided pools ever since

>>38340960
>>38340976
My niggas.

I basically only listen to anime soundtracks. Western music just doesn't appeal to me anymore. The cutesy moe songs in special make me feel less miserable and I love the catchy verses.

I'm 20 and too scared to drive a car

>>38340956
>12- is too young.
lightweight

>>38340976
I just download all my moeshit music. I can't actually listen to it while working (I work outside so I need to be at least kind of aware of my surroundings) but there's always some song stuck in my head

>>38340998
Pretty much the same for me. I felt bad about it for a long time but it's just entertainment so who cares.

>>38341006
I'm 20 and I'm not scared to drive a car but I choose not to. I don't know why. I'd rather walk or take a bus or Lyft or cab or even bike before driving myself around.

>>38341029
Hey man, I tried. The lowest I've been able to go is 10 but she looked 12.

File: 1499048974424.jpg (12KB, 231x244px) Image search: [Google]

12KB, 231x244px

i am heterosexual

>>38341065
Truly fucking disgusting. Get the fuck out of here you creep.

File: 1498905062503.jpg (40KB, 500x540px) Image search: [Google]

40KB, 500x540px

I have a very feminine voice

I'm a guy with no intentions of being a trap, so I pretend I'm mute most of the time and use sign language as my primary means of communication.

Voice recording for proof.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0mPXW2Uz968

>>38341029
>>38340956
12-13 is peak. 14 is still acceptable if you want more developed features.

There's no need to go younger because then it becomes a downgrade. I believe it's the perfect combination of naivety, early knowledge and body type.

My typing skills have significantly decreased throughout the past two years and I have no clue why.
At this rate, I'll be back to index pecking by 2020.

I'm a pedophile and that is one reason I shut myself away and never come out of my room and am a hikki.

>>38341044
>I felt bad about it for a long time but it's just entertainment so who cares
I still keep some songs from my Beatles obsession days just to fake it if I need to though.

File: 1496628545020.png (501KB, 630x657px) Image search: [Google]

501KB, 630x657px

Ill chew on lots of things. Like pencils, straws, toothpicks. Although the toothpick and pencil kinda pass cause I'm somewhat attractive but people always comment that im chewing a straw.

File: disgusted baby.jpg (89KB, 1920x1080px) Image search: [Google]

89KB, 1920x1080px

>>38341078
...dick twitched...

>>38341006
ask someone to drive with you. Eventually youll get enough confidence to drive on you own.
I drove with my mom for a year after getting a license

>>38341094
Adding 10-15 minutes of type training a day (or even a few times a week) will get it right back up. You're probably just not typing long works like you were before.

>>38341078
Please say, "I love you, John."

Please?

>>38341078
Wanna become my personal fuccboi?

>>38341111
>tfw no beaver gf

i'm terrible at competitive pokemon and i love smoking weed

>>38341113
Why?
>>38341125
See above answer
>>38341127
I'm straight

>>38341078
>this my voice after running it through software with a fan on

I demand a new recording.
Say
>How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I still wet the bed occasionally

I'm nineteen, fucking end me

>>38341148
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1oPUyuvSMms
Idek why you wanted that but fine.

>>38338063

I like picking my shit out my asshole. I also can't roll my R's.

>>38341186
I needed more data and I have concluded that you're neither fake nor gay, just effeminate.

>>38341139
Im a dude man

>>38341204
I fucking hate it, i even tried taking testosterone and it only raised the pitch of my voice

>>38340942
Some people never hit puberty.

>>38341078
first of all nobody would require proof, second of all, that is the most obvious use of voice changing software ever.

>>38341145
>Why?
The answer is simple.
I hear a female voice = my dick twitches a lil

>>38341216
>tfw no beaver bf

>>38341256
Except i did a second recording, retard.
See >>38341186

>>38341145
>See above answer
Because it would be nice to hear a female say it for once god damn it

>>38341256
I thought so too, which is why I gave him a tongue twister. I can tell by the sound waves and having synthd many voices

>>38341279
But i'm a guy, not even a trappy guy.
>>38341258
See above answer

>>38338063
I never learned how to ride a bike

File: 1499919363675.png (129KB, 600x378px) Image search: [Google]

129KB, 600x378px

>>38340720
>10 years old
>sex

MY GUY
YOU WERE RAPED
BY YOUR FATHER

>>38338063
i eat the orange whole, peel and all
delicious

>i pick my nose (and eat my boogers too)
>i bite my fingernails off instead of clipping them, too much work to clip
>i wipe my shirt after washing my hands at home
>i pee in the shower every day (working on this)
>some days i masturbate 8 times a day, most others, 4-6
>i can't drive
>i have bacne
>i cant spell banana, inconsequential
or other words consistently
>i use my fingers to do math

>>38341292
I initiated it and he just sort of gave in.

>>38338063
I'm still jobless and living on my parent's couch even though I'm out of high school

>>38338063
>never been on a plane
>played with toys unironically until I was 14 and ironically until 16
>can't swim officially
>sometimes fail to cook things properly and just cut off the remaining raw bits
>was a late bloomer at pretty much everything
>had nocturnal emissions until 25

>>38341285
I CAN STILL IMAGINE

File: 1499715968614s.jpg (8KB, 241x209px) Image search: [Google]

8KB, 241x209px

>i think adam lanza and other shooters are hot
>i jacked off to dylann roof

>don't have a drivers license at 20
>can't use a can opener

not all that bad tbqh

27. Dropped out of high school, never got a GED. Can't drive. Never had a job. Don't even have a valid ID. Horrendously bad at math.

>>38341339
Oh yeah, I also have a younger sibling who's better than me at everything.

File: Screenshot_2016-05-19-07-51-05-1.png (272KB, 540x919px) Image search: [Google]

272KB, 540x919px

>>38341332
How did you initiate?
aT 10 yEArs oF aGe?????

>>38338063
i have inverted nipples and gyno

>>38341351
to add:
>i have an addiction to spinning in chairs
>i cannot go five minutes without listening to music
>my school doesn't let me have male teachers because i fall in love with them and get caught giving them love letters about how i want them to rape me

File: 1498908488306.gif (116KB, 275x200px) Image search: [Google]

116KB, 275x200px

>>38341340
*heavy sigh*
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0e9jGeJduUD
You owe me john.

>>38341358
at least you're getting neetbux, right?

>>38341385
>10 years old
>obsessed with porno
>it begins to cloud my way of thinking
>constantly thinking about sex
>horny 99% of the time
>live with dad, who is a mild alcoholic
>basically molest him while we're watching TV late one night
>he pushes my hand away for maybe 2 minutes before just sort of laying there and letting me do what I want
>it turns into a whole thing
>two or three years later, we move past oral into anal territory
>fucking like rabbits for a while
>years later, still fucking when suddenly he becomes a huge moralfag and turns to Christ
>suddenly fucking your son is "wrong" and "unhealthy" and "we need to stop"
>he is now a huge buzzkill with signs of PTSD
>it's too awkward to keep in touch now
that's about it

File: e27ff9c540a37a7ba8c1fca3ef958476.jpg (10KB, 228x121px) Image search: [Google]

10KB, 228x121px

>when I was 13 I went to an anime con dressed as a girl because I looked pretty girly and like 4 guys hit on me but I didn't know how to act so I just ran away
>I am now a fat weeb who listens to moe shit only
>my mother says I always destroy family photos because I literally don't know how to smile

File: crying computer wojack.jpg (6KB, 240x210px) Image search: [Google]

6KB, 240x210px

>>38341424
Thank you so much for this. I really needed it.

File: 1499924861171.jpg (24KB, 250x250px) Image search: [Google]

24KB, 250x250px

>>38341424
>tfw thats my name too

>>38338063
You just bite into it, it's a fruit

i couldn't tie my shoe laces until i was like 12

File: 18118616_1275257872594103_1041841342500742055_n.jpg (35KB, 720x720px) Image search: [Google]

35KB, 720x720px

>>38341438
desu probably most vile thing i've read on r9k
whats worse
>the fact that you're watching porn at 10
>the fact your dad didn't stop you
>the fact that it continued
>the fact that you would even WANT to keep in touch
>the fact that your dad not shclurping your schmeat disappoints you

>>38341438

This gave me a giggle and a strange boner, I'm not even gay.

>>38341424
shitty voicechanger but still melted my heart

File: 1499158909447.jpg (60KB, 617x813px) Image search: [Google]

60KB, 617x813px

Dropped out year old job at age of 20 then dropped form collage at age of 21
Also was depresed for a year and half
Or more and somedays i think of what i did was right choice.

>>38341499
Already tested for voicechanger, read up the thread.

When I reach climax I moan in such a faggy way.

Doesn't happen all the time, but damn it, it's fucking lame that it happens.

File: [disapproval].png (98KB, 575x548px) Image search: [Google]

98KB, 575x548px

>>38341438
Well...I guess it could've gone worse.

>>38340412
I do this too. Fucking terrible habit.

>>38341539
*ahem*
http://vocaroo.com/

>>38338063
I crossdress purely for masturbation purposes.

File: donladboner.jpg (60KB, 800x450px) Image search: [Google]

60KB, 800x450px

>>38341539
are u cute, tho?

>>38340352
>Slept in my parents bed until I was 12
I did that too but until i was 9. I wonder whenever this increases the chances of ending up as a robot.

>>38338846
So being an adult to you is about killing your imagination and creativity and becoming a mindless, joyless drone. You're no fun and I think nobody likes you or wants anything to do with you in but a very superficial level.

>>38341556
Sorry but nah, not fond of my voice as well.
>>38341573
Been called cute by both girls and guys. Maybe because I'm smol.

>>38338063
I ran out of class autistically when I was 9
I had just moved to Australia and at the time all I spoke was Afrikaans (some extremely basic English) and the teacher made me read in front of the class. People were laughing at my pronunciation and I sperged out. When I was brought back into the classroom later everyone was silent and wouldn't make eye contact with me.

File: 20170713_051010.jpg (48KB, 304x293px) Image search: [Google]

48KB, 304x293px

>>38341640
POST PICS OR VOCAROO ASAP

>>38341688
Maybe if I was a full on faggot, and also camera shy too.

File: image.jpg (250KB, 1600x1000px) Image search: [Google]

250KB, 1600x1000px

I use a black iPhone 4s because I really like the design. I also like how small it is.

>>38341647
Are you in apex gang

I used to constantly be in 'character' when I was a child + teenager. It was an Andy Kaufman type thing, except not nearly as well-executed.

I've never eaten any fruit since I was a baby because I'm repulsed by it

Maladaptive Daydreaming everyday constantly. I just can't stop no matter how hard i try

I cannot use a straw without choking on the liquid.

>>38338063

>Have to look up a tutorial on youtube each time I need to tie my laces
>Can't cook anything except eggs ramen and frozen pizza and I still manage to fuck these up
>Bite nails, pick nose and eat boggers
>Often have nosebleeds and unless there's someone I have to see I don't clean the blood off my face until shower
>Sometimes sleep entire days or don't get off my bed for days
>Sometimes I hear/feel loud static noises in my head when I'm stressed and I have to sing out loud to make it stop even in public or else I go crazy

>>38342348
Instead of inhaling as if you were trying to breathe, use your tongue to suck the liquid through the straw.
This can be accomplished by wrapping your lips around the straw and creating a sort of 'wall' with your tongue, then pulling that 'wall' back toward the back of your throat. This will create a vacuum that will pull the liquid through the straw and into your mouth into the area where your tongue once was.

It's almost like you're wrapping your mouth around the straw while trying to pronounce the word, "you."

Do not use your lungs.

I hope this helped.

>>38338063

I'm a 26 year old obese virgin NEET that's never worked a job.

I sleep on the floor of my childhood bedroom.

My 18 year old brother sleeps in my bed. He has a job, goes to college and has a gf. He has condoms and most likely has sex with her.

She's over the house now cooking breakfast with him.

I have to stay in my room when she comes because my brother doesn't want me to embarass him.

Everything I wrote is true.

In high school I used to lie my ass off about being in a band that never existed.

I doubt anyone believed me.

>>38338063
Sometimes when I sleep, I'll wake up really horny, take my underpants off, jiggle my ass around and slap it and fall back asleep.

>>38341829
I'm white, anon
orignbally

File: clamfeel.png (18KB, 600x600px) Image search: [Google]

18KB, 600x600px

>>38338063
I cannot:

Tie my shoes
Ride a bike
Mow the lawn

File: hair tie.jpg (39KB, 640x853px) Image search: [Google]

39KB, 640x853px

>>38341330
>i pee in the shower every day (working on this)
why's this bad? its so convenient

>>38342514
Oh so like when I blown that one guy in highschool

>>38341608
I'm one of the truest robots here and I sometimes still did that at 14.

>>38338401
Maybe clip them on the toilet?

>>38338370
Is it vegan alcohol?

>>38343284
you either have a really big mouth or the dude you sucked had a really small weiner

>>38338063
My semester abroad, which I thought was gonna be a chance to put myself out there has ended up with me eavesdropping on my roommates when they have friends over as my sole "social" interaction.

>>38343397
i meant this for >>38343026
rop

>>38338370
bread. beans. rice. peanut butter. stir fry. lentils. olive oil.
have those and u can make simple hearty meals

>>38338401
What the fuck Stallman, your mouth isn't supposed to be a fucking trashcan

>>38338355
>a sub 7" dick
lmao nigga even in the biggest dick countries in the world the measured average is lower than that. you are fucking in hte head

File: Lord Humungus.jpg (22KB, 478x253px) Image search: [Google]

22KB, 478x253px

>>38338063
>I don't know how to eat an orange
Wat

>>38338214
I'm exactly the same, I'm disgusted with myself and you.

File: Sketch9023272.png (159KB, 720x1280px) Image search: [Google]

159KB, 720x1280px

>>38338063
i have ibs and sometimes it acts up so bad, i can't leave the house. is it constipation or diarrhea? every day i wake up to gives me a shitty surprise to look down at.
i want to stab myself in the intestines

>>38342989
not bad desu, I'm forced to do it when I take hot showers, it doesn't leave any mess so I guess it's okay

I sometimes put my finger in my butt, take it out and then sniff it.

>>38341220
Did you hit puberty? If you did, was there a noticeable difference between a pre-pubescent you and you now?

Can't swim. I have to make excuses on every outing that involves water or else I end up sitting on the sidelines perving at the females.

>>38338063
I don't know how to use the self-measuring counter in supermarkets so I just don't buy fruits and other bulk fruits/veggies etc except if they're prepackaged and have the price on them

>don't know how to use debit card
>don't know how to catch the train
>don't know how to post a letter
>don't know how to drive
>don't know how to take out a library book

I'm 21.

>>38343862
>thinking people need letters
>thinking people need libraries

Stop living in the 70s faggot

>>38343796
Loose fruit and veg is always cheaper. Just get the cashier to weigh it at the till.

>Have been sacked from 3 jobs before i was 15

>>38343862
>>don't know how to catch the train
You just hop on...or did I misunderstand?

I am uncircumcised and sometimes put small items inside the foreskin. Chocolate M&M's are the best because the colour runs. My penis also stinks sometimes and even washing it really well doesn't get rid of the smell. It's not even necessarily a bad smell and I enjoy sniffing my hand whilst I'm masturbating

>>38338063
I don't know how to shave, so I cut my beard with scissors. martin shkreli did that in one of his livestreams too, so it's slightly more common and less autistic maybe

>>38338082
this
I also don't know how to tie my shoelaces

>>38338125
I did too once
it didn't taste like anything, it was just kinda slimy

So much embarrassment going on in this thread r9k doesn't dissapoint me at all.
>awful at singing, but still like singing a lot and ppl heard me singing
>tfw writing the least embarrassing thing about me, because the rest is just over the top

>>38338063
I don't know how to use the bus. Where do you pay? How the fuck do the timetables work? They're confusing as shit.

File: 1499677054156.jpg (30KB, 647x594px) Image search: [Google]

30KB, 647x594px

>>38341438
What the hell have you done, anon?

>>38338355
>sub 7 inch
fucking faggots have fucked with you're head anon telling you that women only like 12 inch dicks and posting big dick infographics, dont listen to that shit anon, its not healthy.

I have to masturbate by rubbing my dick against something (bed, or rubbing pants over dick when they're on) because touching my dick with my hand just doesn't feel good or right

>>38344349
I did this as a kid because i didn't realise what masturbation was and only realised when I was 13 and I was watching porn and a guy was stroking his dick

>>38342421
>Sometimes I hear/feel loud static noises in my head
I get that too. Always figured there's a broken radio in my head

>24
>Not sure how to send mail
>Overdue bills

JUST

>>38338063

I'm 18 and I've never worked anywhere

>>38338063
I didn't know how to tie my shoes until the 9th grade. I still only know the bunny ear method.

>>38338063
I've didnt had sex in the last 3 years and I want to kill myself

>>38345338
I'm 26 and never worked anywhere

File: 4EFE0F63-964E-41CF-8E3F-FC688566821B-361-0000022BC4F3E345.png (377KB, 598x916px) Image search: [Google]

377KB, 598x916px

I used to talk to 4chan as I went through the pages at the banners, it made me go nuts at certain points in my life, (((this is b4 I learned how it really worked)))

I even dated 4chan b4, our romance was sweet but our break up sucked a lot

>>38338810
>>38340864
On the morning of September 11 I was 12 years old and I woke up in my mother's bed.

>>38344349
>I'm not the only one who does this
Thanks anon, this makes me feel a bit better desu

>>38338063
i will never have offsprings in my life because i'm infertile (never been able to get GF prego altho always cum inside, fml)

>>38344349
I do this too!
It feels so much better than normal masturbation
I can't even masturbate normally anymore

>>38345410
Only 3? This has to be a joke right?
Get the literal FUCK off this board and neck yourself, an absolute travesty of a failed normie. The fact that you even have the tenacity to be embarrassed about that. Dear lord i hope this is fucking bait

File: IMG_2411.jpg (153KB, 1761x1000px) Image search: [Google]

153KB, 1761x1000px

>>38341438

Hey anon they made a movie about you and your dad

Its called the strange things about the Johnsons

>>38345410
I haven't had sex in 8 years and usually it doesn't bother me at all but sometimes I feel intense shame over it, very rarely though, like once a month

>>38343651
everyone does this its normie af

File: jeffrey_dahmer.jpg (463KB, 750x500px) Image search: [Google]

463KB, 750x500px

I'm obsessed with a dead serial killer and my mind gets drawn into fantasies involving him whenever I'm daydreaming. Like I'm creating fanfictions. Sometimes inserting myself or other people that I like.

>>38340465
Cook on a lower temp for more time and if you are cooking in a frying pan use a very little bit of olive oil in the bottom of the pan and after putting the patty in cover the pan with a sheet of tin foil to hold heat in. Gl

I pick my nose in public

File: 699555.gif (633KB, 400x300px) Image search: [Google]

633KB, 400x300px

>>38341438
>mfw
How does shit like this even happen
wtf man !

>>38341438
A-anon you molested your own dad at the age of 10?
Your perfect!
He should be /ourguy/

I love the contrast between these two posts
>>38341438
>>38345780
It truly shows the wide variety of people on this board

>>38338846
I dunno man, seems like he's got shit figured out.

>>38345157
put a stamp in the top right corner
write the person's name, then their address in the middle of the envelope
your name, address top left corner.

>>38338095
>tfw forced to pick my nose because my nasal bridge is fucked up
I'd need a surgery, but those are expensive as fuck.

>>38347421
Where does one buy a stamp? I have never in my life sent mail or bought stamps. Is there a stamp store?

>fall in love with girl on normiebook
>several months later it turned out to be a boy
God damn japs, you can't tell what gender these people are these days

>>38338362
Do you mean you only now focus on cleaning it or you used always make the water avoid them?

>>38338111
Scientist says it's actually healthy, because you're reinforce your immune system with eating those death pathogens and shit like this.

>>38343938
Where I live that's not an option. I kinda got the gist of it so it's basically you pick up the fruit etc which has a number on it, you go to the measuring machine, place your food, enter the number of the item, then you get a tag with the price (because it knows the number + weight) that you stick on the bag of whatever you bought. there is nobody to do it for you "at the till"

>>38338189
t. vampire

oranginal

>>38345529
Have you ever considered it could be her infertility?

>>38338401
>Digesting nail clippings is easier than disposing of them in a trash can actually invented for the disposal of trash.
For what reason

>>38349721
But it's so far away anon. Wars could be waged and lost in the time it would take to traverse the halls of pissbottles and old magazines, across the door of peril and near the realm of those who dwell in the great beyond just waiting for a chance to snatch an anon into the night, never to be seen or heard from again. You trying to lure anons into a trap?

>>38338063
I keep ripping my hair off,slowly but surely

>>38338732
At first I thought you meant you buy a shitload of books about how to tie your shoes

>>38339239
>tfw lost baby blanket
Stay pure Anon

I just got a DUI and a petty theft. I believed I was Jesus during both

>>38350857
Schizophrenia or drugs, Anon?

>>38351944
Bipolar disorder

Original

>>38338063
I can't peel potatoes so I just eat them with skin.

I have a habit of never finishing what I start, be it books, vidya, shows, etc.

My voice is fucking horrible, it sounds as if someone is constantly pushing their fingers onto my neck.

>>38352001
Also, I literally cannot stop wanking

File: 1370130520142.png (39KB, 645x773px) Image search: [Google]

39KB, 645x773px

I JUST figured out that socks go on before shoes

I'm 25 and have work sandals my whole life

File: 1464849487311.png (81KB, 409x406px) Image search: [Google]

81KB, 409x406px

>>38338063
I browse this board

comment orignaon

>>38338082
my dad is 47 and still does this dont worry

File: 1498594823555.jpg (16KB, 634x450px) Image search: [Google]

16KB, 634x450px

>>38338115
you peel it, halve it then eat the halves you pleb

>>38338811
>1. Find navel of orange. May or may not have a small green bit on it (part of the fruit's growth I think).
No, that's the stem. The navel is the OTHER end of the orange.

File: DBc5ZNDUQAAexHT.png (320KB, 438x438px) Image search: [Google]

320KB, 438x438px

>>38350638
This is a feel I did not expect to remember, I had a silk baby blanket I lost at around 10 and for the life of me wish I still had it now. Its rough times.

>>38338063
I have never in my life eaten-
>at taco bell
>at chipotle
>a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

I ate my first taco at the age of 16

I can't ride a bike and i can only barely swim.

>>38338095
I'm sure everyone does. Eating them however is another story.

I didn't fap until sophomore year of hs.

Have a pillow I've slept with since a kid.

As a kid, I used to treat it as a living being and talk to it and stuff.

i tell people the reason i keep my nails short is because i'm a violinist, but the main reason is really so i can jack off painlessly

>>38354567
Don't feel too bad, for me it was sophomore year at Uni.

>>38338401
you're only suppose to eat one

>>38343576

I cleaned it this morning for the first time in six months. I opened a drawer and a nest of gnats flew out like that scene in The Mummy with the locusts.

Also I had to kill alot of spiders with a lighter and deodorant. I feel better though. It's not finished yet. It's not even half finished. But I think I killed all the living things in here.

>>38345738
>Frying with olive oil
Are you fucking retarded?

File: 1480891847540.png (269KB, 459x498px) Image search: [Google]

269KB, 459x498px

>>38338063
I've never had sex in my life.

God is fucking dead.

>>38338082
normal, could be anxiety or a common oral fixation
>>38338095
completely normal
>>38338125
normal, just taboo
>>38338160
normal
>>38338214
all you have to do is clean your room. next
>>38338238
normal. just press your middle finger against your thumb as if you're trying to peel the very skin off of it. it will slip and you will snap. congrats.
>>38338344
No, it's your shitty diet, moron.
>>38338362
At least you're doing it.
>>38338401
oral fixation. relatively normal, common among children as well
>>38338454
normal
>>38338734
normal
>>38338810
normal. you can do all of those things, but you can't force people to like you.
>>38338922
normal
>>38339191
normal. use cocoa butter and hit the gym. They won't go away completely, but you can make them play a much less important role in your body
>>38340107
normal.
>>38340057
normal.

All of you I replied to are normies

I use the same razor to shave my junk as i do to shave my face...

i have aspergers and i havent told anyone until now

>>38340468
but pizza doesnt have meat in it...

>>38338190
anon record one of your imagination sessions and post it pls

>>38339103
>>38339067
>>38339015
when hard, my dick is two inches wide from above. I think i measured circumference once but i dont remember what it was... i could be wrong here but i think 6in? Ill measure again later and post results. Let me know if i am too big for people and should kms for wishing too hard for a big penis

>>38350638
my parents took mine away when i was 5 or so... i miss it
Youre one of the lucky ones anon

>>38358140
You're confusing 'vegan' with 'vegetarian.'

Vegetarians only cut out meat.
Vegans cut out everything involving animals, including meat, dairy (cheese, milk, yogurt, etc), fish and eggs.

>>38338063
i dont know what are the numbers of the months

File: image.jpg (94KB, 960x901px) Image search: [Google]

94KB, 960x901px

>>38338063
I'm a girl, and when I go out I wear a heavy duty pad in case I suddenly have to go to the bathroom but can't make it in time. I also always make sure I go before I leave and not drink liquids while I'm out, idk it's an irrational fear.

at home I can go 12 hours without peeing

>>38358285
It could just be because I am small but idk it seems like people can fit fists up there with enough patience and lube. Plus I'm supposed to be able to give birth from this thing. I don't know why it hurts so much with him but it does.

I used to get really vivid nightmares every night, and still sometimes do when I sleep alone in the dark.
To cope I slept in my dad's bed until I was 11 because he'd always fall asleep watching TV.
When my best friend wanted me to sleepover at age 9 he insisted we sleep with the light off. I was uncomfortable as fuck and was sleeping on the floor without a matress. I told him to move the fuck over so I can actually get some sleep.
He told his mom and continued to tell his cool new friends 'til we were 14.
Basically everyone thought I was gay and probably still do cause I'm too awkward to be in a relationship.
I turned 23 last week and the most action I've had is kissing my female cousin on a dare when we were 6, she giggled instead and I kissed her on her teeth.
I should probably kill myself.

>>38356954
Non stick nancy over here with his cancer pans

>>38345529
2 things anon
1. Adopt
theres a lot of kids who would kill for a decent home and if you cant make your own kids, adopt one who needs a family
2. Youre complaining about being able to cum inside anyone you have sex with, with out a condom and without fear of pregnancy

>>38347524
i dont know either but i do know how i could find out
fucking look it up

File: IMG_0041.png (42KB, 256x256px) Image search: [Google]

42KB, 256x256px

I'm a nig

File: devilpepe.jpg (14KB, 258x196px) Image search: [Google]

14KB, 258x196px

>>38338125
About a week ago I came and the fingered the cum into my ass.

>>38341140
underrated
/otganl

I'm 26 and I can't drive or ride a bike.

I refuse to drink or smoke because my dad was an addict his whole life who beat my mom and ruined her life
My mom wants me to get married and have grandkids, but I can barley look women my age in the eye without shitting myself.
I can't get off to naked women or porn. There's something deeply uncomfortable about both.
I go to uni football/basketball games to record the cheerleaders in secret so I can jerk off to the footage later
I have a 3 inch circumcised penis and usually last a minute jerking off
I enjoy the band Echosmith

>>38358470
>>38358285
>>38339103
>>38339067
>>38339015
ok so i finally got around to measuring and its a little more than 5 and a half inches around. Now my question is if i ever leave the prison of r9k and loose my virginity, will it actually be pleasurable for the girl or will i need to become a porn star?

>>38338063
>filename

flat earth confirmed

I masturbate to the thought of my friends masturbating

>>38341438
WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKS SUBMITTED THIS TO THE SUBREDDIT

I feel like tying any type of knot other than shoelaces to be beyond my cognitive ability

I watched a guy tie a tie on YouTube for like an hour and I still couldn't get it down

I'm a Normie who has regular sexual intercourse with my wife.

I don't know how to brush my hair. It's one of many things my supposed caregivers never taught me for whatever reason.

I could follow a guide on the internet but I'm so afraid of failing and realising the depths of my incompetence that I don't even want to try. My greatest fear is going outside having brushed my hair like a moron and having people see that I've tried and failed to brush my hair despite being a 23 year old man.

File: 56621.jpg (7KB, 250x236px) Image search: [Google]

7KB, 250x236px

don't know to hold a job, such is the life of a neet

>>38359768
Was it worth?

File: bonerhorror.jpg (27KB, 540x960px) Image search: [Google]

27KB, 540x960px

>>38341438
Fucking hell, you sick fuck. Tell us more.

I daydream like an autistic faggot.

>>38363277
>brush hair back
>all of it
>now dry
>now brush it all back again
>now shake your head
>let dry
Before that I used to just dry my hair and shake my head but I dried it just enough where it was still hanging and not frizzy

>>38338190
>tfw found bunch of cardboard boxes
gonna build a COMFU fort tomorrow no nomies allowed

>>38363964
Aren't you meant to find your part or some shit like that

>>38357204
It doesn't actually matter

>>38364256

Parting is non-compulsary.

Nearly 20 and still have dandruff. Been to dermatologists, wash with a special shampoo all the time, still an avalanche all over my keyboard at the end of the day.
I'm albino, so some chav will often go "That snow?"

>>38361069
5.1 here. you are just above average.

I love licking up the goo after I masturbate, or during. It's a weird taste but really good. Same goes for smell.

File: IMG_5830.jpg (76KB, 739x695px) Image search: [Google]

76KB, 739x695px

Made out with my cousin in high school before either of us knew we were related. Feelsbadman

>>38360030
Wonder how long before you start serial killing.

>>38358230
Nah man. I dont need that shit getting spread around like some weird pamperchu shit. My imagination playtime is for me only. I only wish I could find a gf who is willing to play these games with me.

I eat the entire apple bottom first, use the stem to pick any stuck pieces in my teeth then eat that too.
I probably have one of the worst cases of insomnia in existence and have to get up in 3 hours

File: 1499428552012.png (118KB, 658x662px) Image search: [Google]

118KB, 658x662px

I literally have autism
I like to think its a secret, but I think its pretty obvious..

>>38364675

Greentext some spergouts?

>>38364489
>made out with a woman
NORMIE GET OUT REEEEEEEEEEEE

>>38364727

We don't know if it was a woman.

>>38364794
She's a woman. But she was a freshman at the time and super impressionable and easy to manipulate, especially because I was an older guy

>>38364824

Ok, then you must leave, Norman.

File: 1499406554229.jpg (222KB, 494x494px) Image search: [Google]

222KB, 494x494px

>>38356076
godspeed anon
kill them all

>>38364847
tell that to the people on this thread complaining about their sex lives

File: 1441080873011.png (189KB, 788x784px) Image search: [Google]

189KB, 788x784px

>>38364684
Gonna be impossible on a phone but fuck it
>be me mr autismo
>be in 8th grade at a small middle school of 150ish
>have a tablet I use religiously to do everything including watch porn, play games, read books for up to 12 hrs a day total
>one day during reading time I can't find my tablet in my backpack
>start having a visual meltdown
>continue to fail to find it
>people start to wonder wtf is going on
>Tell them somebody stole it because that's the only logical answer
>at this point I'm breaking down into tears
>teacher gets involved
>everybody in the class knows what's going on
>a few start looking through backpacks to try to find it
>nobody finds it
>continue through day depressed as shit
>word spreads what happened and people to start to feel bad for me
>as I walk into the door coming home there lays the tablet right where I left it

I have more stories about the tablet btw

File: IMG_3152.jpg (120KB, 800x800px) Image search: [Google]

120KB, 800x800px

>>38364855
I think we would all enjoy a part two to your tablet escapades

File: 1479947567096.png (21KB, 250x273px) Image search: [Google]

21KB, 250x273px

Quick pt2

>be tablet autist
>spend all my time on the bus every day of the year playing jetpack joyride
>its June now
>finally unlock everything in the game
>feel like I actually accomplished something for once in my life
>fast forward to last week of school
>its reading time but I decide to play jetpack joyride instead
>after a few good runs I have to relieve myself of the tendies I ate the night before
>I come back to see that he had just reset the entire tablet, permanently wiping my porn collection as well as my game saves
>REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>yell what the hell as he snickers
>everybody's staring now
>teachers ask me if I'm all right
>respond 'i guess' as I redownload the game

I got more stories I might tell but looks like bump limit is soon

>>38338063
I knew a whole family in my neighborhood that ate them like apples with the peel on.

File: aeb.jpg (79KB, 600x655px) Image search: [Google]

79KB, 600x655px

>>38341438
>molests dad at age of 10
>he didn't even care

>>38365109
how did someone unlock your tablet?

>>38340524
Play in the Apple Store then buy your selection on Amazon. Can always return it if it doesn't fit your style

>>38338063
20 years old, still virgin
waiting for my wizard powers I guess

>>38366394
20 is nothing. In high school everyone was calling girls who lost their virginity whores and they were a minority and that is at 18. I'm 24 and never even hugged a girl, but I still think I have a chance.

I have no skills of any kind and have no hobby as a result, making my life extremely boring and depressing.