>want to die every minute of every day >too scared of death

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>want to die every minute of every day
>too scared of death to try again
>want nothing more than be old af, with someone I've been with forever
Anyone else feel this feel? I get the feeling that it's weird wanting to be like 90, but also being terrified of death.
But all I want is to be an old as dirt. couple. Not even the in between, I just want to be a fucking 93 year old in love with a woman that has always been by my side.
Maybe it's just the the fact that I'm almost 30, and the window has closed, that makes romanticize it.