we where told as kids that you could be anything you wanted to

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we where told as kids that you could be anything you wanted to be.
astronauts, doctors, lawyers,engeeners(in my case it was lawyer and engeneer, gotta do those bucks for the family i guess), even the president
anything you want to be
when you hit the point at witch you realize that you are a worthless scum that will never achive anything in life, that is when you become an adult, for me it was when i was 16, it might be sooner or later, but the moment you lose all hope, its the moment the child dies, and the man rises.
yet being a man is the worst possible feeleing there is.
i like many others just live for the sake of living since my life is the only real thing that i have
sure i might have 60k in my bank but that money is literally worthless.
i have no use for it.
i work like a dog because if i did not i would be chugging 30 beers per day as i used to.
i drink alot right now too. but its way less compared to that
i will never find a soulmate. i will never really love someone, im kinda dead inside.
im deeply racist because of personal experiences.
i dont show that im racist in things i say or in my behavior, but i think about it all the time
i feel utter hate twords roasties
i never interat with people that i dont necesary have to.
but most of all i feel tired all the time. not only phisically but also mentally.
i cant stand people and even though i put a nice smile and treat them with respect in my mind i fucking hate everything about them.