>Doing my wagecuck work yesterday like a good boy. >Been

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>Doing my wagecuck work yesterday like a good boy.
>Been doing it for 3 years so my mind wanders easily now.
>Think about suicide.
>Think about getting a belt or length of rope and tying it around my cupboard doors and neck to suffocate myself.
>Worried that my weight might pull the cupboard over.
>Maybe my bedroom door would be better.
>The handle might snap off though.
>Bathroom radiator would probably support my weight.
>Get frightened if I failed to choke myself out that way.
>Decide that I'd poison myself with my mum's medication just to be sure and wrap my nose, mouth and eyes with duct tape so the suffocation would be easier.
>Would probably cut myself up a little beforehand first just to be dramatic (because blood everywhere is more theatrical than just a dead body).
>Before I realise it, four hours have passed and it's nearly break time.

Am I mentally ill or something?
I know I'm not alone here.
Is it fucking normal to think about suicide so specifically?
Should I get help?