Who else here a former member of the meme depression club that

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Who else here a former member of the meme depression club that moved on to the real deal

>thought i was depressed for years
>would talk about it to people or hint at it in attention seeking ways
>would often think about and sometimes even talk about suicide even though i always knew i wouldn't do it
>never hide bad moods, never pretend i was fine
>in hindsight i was actually just very bored and a bit sad because my life was one long identical day and i was wasting my youth because of the monotony
>then the real stuff hits
>suddenly understand why so many people are so secretive about it
>not only do i feel no need to talk about it or hint at it, i want to hide it
>for the first time in my life start pretending i'm fine
>don't attention whore with friends about it
>don't even want to think about it
>the sadder i get the more outwardly normal i become
>tfw heart feels physically heavy and i sometimes feel like i'm drowning
>actual suicidal thoughts start appearing
>beginning to get unironically afraid i'll end up offing myself

Help I'm retarded and have no idea what to do now