have you ever gotten hit with the realization all at once that

Like boy, I started my path to this realization while high. Now, I am a fully aware literal autist. Life fucking sucks now, well it sucked to begin with.

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>>37509244

I've been hit with that realization, and the realization that I'm an intolerable, lazy, annoying, cowardly peice of human garbage that everyone would be better off without.

Honestly the only option at this point is making sure to push everyone who might have anything that isn't loathing for you away (this includes family) until offing yourself is entirely altruistic.

>>37509244

Bumping for interest, nothing is quite as horrifying as being fully aware of how disgusting you are and having to live with that day in and day out. Other robots must experience this

There is nothing wrong with being autistic, embrace it.

>>37509244
I know how you feel

>workplace always celebrates the birthday of its employees
>considering telling my boss that i want to spend that day alone

The funny thing is, the posters in this thread are the ones who have the best chance of escaping robothood. Hopefully that kick in the balls will make you start changing yourself.

My psychologist only took 3 sessions to realize this and recommended I apply for autismbux.

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>>37509244
heh baby deer

Absolutely. Not all at once though. I remember when I was like 12, one morning I went to school and for the first time considered the fact that everyone else had these circles of friends they socialised with, while I was more or less alone. I also forgot how to walk properly around the same time, or maybe I just became aware that I never actually knew how anyway. I don't remember.

Smoking weed has given me similar insights.

>>37509244
>have you ever gotten hit with the realization all at once that you're an unlikeable, embarrassing, societally incompetent autist?

I just recognize it and try to make the best of it without pretending. I take calculated risks in social situations, some times it works, sometimes it doesn't.

But I think I'm mitigating my social retardation fairly well.

>>37509244
Yeah, I had to quit smoking weed for a long time for that reason. Eventually something in me broke and now I don't give a fuck. If I get way too high I still get really anxious and depressed about it, but I can ignore it sort of.

>>37510721
Oh and if you think weed is bad, try ant psychedelic. That level of self awareness is actually the worst thing possible. I looked in the mirror and saw myself and my first thought was "god what a gross looking, miserable creature". Then I realized it was me. What a ride.

>>37510721
>ing fully aware of how disgusting you are a
Why on earth would you start smoking weed again after you quit for a long time, that makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, it fuels your depression which leads to being even more depressed.

Wouldn't it be better to focus on getting your shit together and start working out, reading books, learn how to cook and spending less time on 4Chan?

>>37509244
Really cute deer

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>>37509244
>grow up being told how "unique" and "special" I am; it doesn't dawn on me
>huge preponderance of kids in special ed or on meds in my friend group; it doesn't dawn on me
>get sent to therapy for Sensory Processing Disorder and thrown in a ball pit with the tards; it doesn't dawn on me
>start dating a girl whose parents still dress her in the morning at 14, who flaps her hands when she's excited, and who has nonverbal autistic siblings resembling Chris-chan without speech; it doesn't dawn on me
>go through life with blinding overconfidence on top of a serious lack of self-awareness and a partial immunity to cringe
>shitty home life stunts my emotional development even further
>get special treatment constantly and just chalk it up to me being fucking awesome
>never once even google what autism is

Fast-forward:
>make a post on /r9k/ describing the sensory overload that goes with my particular wiring
>anon points out that I'm probably autistic
>look it up
>holy fuck, I am
>internalize it for a while and become really self-conscious; reflect HARD on all the obvious little hints that should've given it away
>realize how often people treat me differently and finally realize why; become aware that they can probably see it

Fast-forward:
>no longer even care because I'm still likeable, capable of commanding a roomful of complete strangers with authority, fully capable of fucking girls who look like Barbie dolls, and competent as all hell
>actually start to appreciate all the little accomodations people have made for me without me even asking or being aware that I needed them
>actually really touched that people have clearly gone out of their way to accomodate me and have treated me with nothing but respect despite it being blindingly obvious how autistic I am
>don't even mind that people speak differently to me or infantilize me a bit because I actually do better when things are as literal and clear as possible

Whatever.

>>37510785
Don't be so black and white. What makes you assume I don't read or know how to cook? I'm good at piano, guitar, cooking is a basic skill for anyone to have. I've been learning programming. I don't workout anymore, I don't eat enough to gain weight anyways and in my current circumstances it's pretty much impossible.

I still have a lot of room for improvement but eventually you realize that the average person is better off than you and they didn't have to work relentlessly to improve. There's no cure for my horrible looks and social skills, I'm probably genuinely autistic. And sometimes you have to face that you have hard limits that you can not surpass. You put yourself out there 500 times and fail every single time. You look back and realize in 3-4yrs, despite all your efforts, you're still right where you started. Weed doesn't make me more depressed, it just makes me more aware, it makes me more analytical, it makes me see things the way they are, nothing more, nothing less. Also it makes music sound a lot better.

I figured this put before I was 10, gave for a pretty horrible school social experience but a liberating realization of freedom from others and society as an adult.

The only thing I have to ask now is if this early realization contributed to my schizoid personality, or if it was always inevitable.

>deerlet
>opinion disregarded

>>37510959
>ually you realize that the average person is better off than you and they didn't have to work relentlessly to improve. There's no cure for my horrible looks and social skills, I'm probably genuinely autistic. And sometimes you have to face that you have hard limits that you can not surpass. You put yourself out there 500 times and fail every single time. You look back and realize in 3-4yrs, despite all your efforts, you're sti
I am being black and white on you because i don't know you personally, Anon. I too have difficulty to socialize to a degree that i am unable to make friends and i have accepted that and learned to deal with it. I too smoked a lot of weed to a point where i would smoke 1 gram of weed on a daily basis, which wasn't an ideal situation.

I currently have zero friends and only one family member who i see on a daily basis, which is fine by me. I never liked to socialize with people and that is why i am a lone wolf. Luckily, my looks aren't that bad and if i want i can get a girlfriend without much difficulty, but for now i wont :)

Also, you shouldn't compare yourself to others, everyone deals with their problems their own way.

>>37511099
Hmm, well at least you can get laid if you wanted. I don't think that'd make me happier, but it couldn't hurt.

>>37510868
That is an amazing outlook, one that I am envious of. I look at myself, past and present, and see a complete social failure. I used to have confidence out of ignorance, and now that I see the true colours of being on the spectrum showing, I can only hide in shame.

>>37509244
just do what you want to do and not give a fuck in the meantime.
even batshit insane people get laid

>>37511137
I am not into having a relationship with a woman just to get laid, Anon, it is more complex than that. I do it because after a while the urge to be with a woman becomes stronger than to be alone, which triggers the need to go out and find someone to fill that desire to be in a relationship.

>>37509244
>that you're an unlikeable, embarrassing, societally incompetent autist?

Can't really tell you when it hit me, I just hate that I am so damn selfconscious about it.
While I can't walk the street without seeing someone who is just as bad or flatout acting worse being happy, having an acceptable gf, holding at least some shit-tier job etc.

>>37511168
Just be a badass. You're self-aware. You can choose to improve. Too many of us internalize thgis shit and let it become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You can have spergy interests. You can move and look and sound weird. You can be palpably different. If you're still the most competent person in the room and everybody knows it, and if you genuinely try to be a good and noble person (fuck "likeable," really, that isn't the goal), people respond to that.

Yeah, you can't not be yourself, but the best possible version of yourself is probably pretty fucking cool. Shoot for that.

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I smoke weed and feel this all the time. It's been essential to my mental development. I recognize myself being an idiot and correct it after. The last few days I've been messaging nonsense to just about every 3-8/10 fat girl on plentyoffish and after days of getting ignored or talked down to I got stoned, cringed hard at myself, and deleted my profile.

>>37509244
Sounds like a mild panic induced by weed.
Not saying your realization is invalid but quite possibly a bit overblown.
Just being relaxed in social situations is what you need, focus on that first and the rest will follow.

>>37511506
When I'm high I realize just how weird my usual behavior is in public and in the past. It's pretty depressing but it helps me see how I actually am instead of how my ego portrays myself.

>>37511301
I was at a sporting event and there was this lady just yelling the entire time and some idiot young adults spouting nonsense about the game and tactics. And I thought, how am I the weird one? People act like children all the time and that's completely normal, but being "too" serious or self-contained makes me the autist, the awkward, the unlikable.