Psychological Issues #66

Hey Nick, how have you been since the last thread?

>>37130887

Much calmer.

>>37130946
That's good. You were really aggressive last thread.

>>37130800
Glad to hear you're doing better Nick.

>>37130966

I tried to keep on Dan. He makes me rage because he could do so much better and yet he won't. The waste of his thinking drives me to anger. Once I was "launched", there was no going back.

How are you?

>>37131041
>Glad to hear you're doing better Nick.

Not sure where you heard that. I'm just calmer than I was last thread. Everything else isn't very good. No crazy C-PTSD symptoms as much this week, but still consumed by depression.

You?

>>37131043
I'm doing fine. Nothing is really happening.

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>>37131065
You're not as angry as yesterday, thats what I meant. I have anger flashes, they're not fun. Afterwards, I mean. In the moment, losing myself in a red haze feels pretty great. It is just dealing with the consequences of angry me let loose that is never fun. I'm fine, just dealing with pic related. Stupid drive won't read.

>>37131043
Do you mind checking the authenticity of this? It describes how I feel.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-empathic-brain/201307/inside-the-mind-psychopath-empathic-not-always

>>37131130

Cool toaster.

>>37131140

I read most of it for now, and it sounds good.

>>37131303
I've been trying to tell you that how the prisoners react is how I react.
Hopefully I don't end up in their position.

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>>37131303
any news on the prospect of starting your studies again?

>>37131351

I'm yet to read the whole thing.

Maybe some psychos can switch it on and off.

Tell me, is this always a choice on your part?

Can things go off by themselves?

Suppose you had a fall out with someone, which makes you angry at them, would your feefees switch off so bad that you'd feel like a different person, like an empthy shell?

>>37131271
Thanks. It toasts hard drives. But back onto the other thing, because I'm curious and you're psych-knowledgable. Why do I get blackout angry? Sometimes I get so angry that my vision goes red and I pass out. At least "I" pass out.
First time it happened was in middle school, was fighting a friend over something stupid because we were teenagers and fighting is fun. I'm losing anf getting more and more pissed ofg, my vision goes red, then nothing. I wake up being held down by him and two other friends, with no memory of what happened. According to them I'd gone berserk, and the black eye the other friend had was pretty damning proof. There are other instances, but that one was the first time it'd happened. Any thoughts?

>>37131372

It's a matter of will at this point. This summer sounds like I should either commit suicide or start new studies. Thread #100 always tempted me, but now that I've said it, I won't do it, which may be why I said it at all.

I'm not sure I can ever recover from everything that happened this year.

How are you? Will you paint again?

>>37131411

Damn... Seeing red was right on the money, then?

It sounds like something Facet would have, a form of dissociation (but not the derealisation kind).

Give examples.

>>37131389
>is this always a choice?
Yes.

>Can things go off by themselves?
If you mean that I suddenly feel, then no. But if you mean that the "switch" turns off by itself, it's default is off.

>would your feefees switch off?
They turn off automatically when facing criticism and other things like it. I would easily be able to turn on a person I've spent my entire life with. I actually thought about stabbing my dad recently. As I have already told you, he has been the best influence in my life. I thought of it for no reason and didn't really care.

Good show last night Nick, past me from a couple of years ago would've sided with Dan.

side note: feeling real lonely tonight, glad the thread is here

>>37131465
Seeing red is exactly right. At that point I either have to go calm down or let go. A few examples I can think of off the top of my head:
When I found out first ex had cheated on me I took a combat knife into the woods, went red, came to completly exhausted lying on the ground with my hand a bloody blistered mess and a chopped down tree.
Another time it happened during a high school cross country race. Didn't want to lose. Apparently I'd beat the guy then fell over past the finish line. I came to with a crowd of people standing around me which freaked me out, because the last thing I remembered was running.

>>37131614
You might be WAY more fucked up than you original thought. How much of your childhood do you remember?

>>37131552

Suppose you fall in love, or the closest thing to this. Someone feels like God to you, you adore them.

Suddenly, they start countering you on your bullshit, and making you feel bad. You get angry, things get worse.

Eventually, you fuck up big time because you didn't anticipate how the other would feel, and they react strongly, which causes you to feel abandoned.

At this point, would you have a sort of breakdown and feel all your emotions for that person to die?

Would you become a machine?

Could these feelings come back?

Do you ever like again someone who hurt you?

>>37131585

I'm not especially proud of last night. I only hope I was funny enough to redeem these angry hours. It was like being drunk with anger.

Same about loneliness.

Goddamn.

Just when I thought the thread isn't going to show up and went for a cig.
I get back here and it's already in full speed.

>>37131717
I'd become numb, and tell them to fuck off. I only care when I want to. If I wanted to feel for them again I could, but I wouldn't, because I don't like running back to exes.

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>>37131673
Earliest memory is like 4th grade. New kid moved into town and we bonded instantly over mutual love of DBZ. He gave me my first yugioh card, pic related. Still have that card in a binder somewhere.

>>37131739
i enjoyed the show, quite a bit of contrast from what it's normally like.
though i was wondering how you would fare after a several hour long rage-fest

>>37131614
>I took a combat knife into the woods, went red, came to completly exhausted lying on the ground with my hand a bloody blistered mess and a chopped down tree.

You chopped a whole tree with a combat knife? How thick was that tree???

In especially charged moments, memory may fail. I've had moments like when I derealised violently, when my father assaulted me, for instance. Not a complete blackout but less than clear memory of the events, to a degree.

Other memory fails during other types of moments?

>>37131815
Do you remember anything before that?

Do you know if you were abused as a child?

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How do I cure paranoia
Every time I try to have good relationships paranoia kicks in and I start hating the person, it makes me sick

Also I can't sleep because of that

>>37131831
Tree was pine, about a foot and a half in diameter. Besides my general shitty memory, only other moments where memory failed immediately like that was the wreck I got in, i think it was back in '13/'14. Blizzard went through, took dad's 4x4 chevy s10 down the mountain in 4 low, creeping down at 5mph. When I slid off the road I can't remember anything until I cane to laying there in the ditch. Had to climb up and out the passenger door.

>>37131949
i have a quite different problem.

Everytime I meet someone new I start assuming that the person totally hates me.
I hate most of people but when I meet someone whos actually bearable for me. I never talk to them or try to be friends because I start thinking about me and how I act like a complete dick and realize that they probably dont want to be around me.
Don't know if it's true. Not like any of those people ever try to contact me but I usually dont give them a chance to even get to know me a little.
I guess it's because i feel really insecure about myself and hate myself for every little fuck up.

Even If I hate everyone I still hate myself the most.

>>37131777
>I'd become numb, and tell them to fuck off. I only care when I want to. If I wanted to feel for them again I could, but I wouldn't, because I don't like running back to exes.

Trips of truth.

Sounds like what happened.

Do you ever cry?

>>37131826
>though i was wondering how you would fare after a several hour long rage-fest

I was elated. I laughed quite a few times too. I'm very "in it" whether it's calmly and with empathy, or noisily with just as much empathy. Self-sabotage and bullshit reasoning drive me nuts, especially if it's about someone I care for. Dan is the oldest regular here, he's older than the thread itself.

>>37131854
No I don't remember much. And I'm pretty certain I wasn't. My dad had these issues as well, my uncle told me the story of how my dad stabbed him when they were nine, and when my dad was a teenager was so pissed off he chopped down a tree with a baseball bat. I don't even know how.

>>37131949
>Every time I try to have good relationships paranoia kicks in and I start hating the person, it makes me sick

I may be on the other end of that one. It's the worst feeling, because I am a genuinely caring person, and to be thought of as some evil fuck destroys me.

Describe an example in detail, greentext that shit for bonus points.

>>37132114
Hardly ever. I only cry when I feel intense emotion, or when I'm try to accomplish something.

>>37131961
*other moment, not moments. Whoops, fucked that one up.

>>37131961

Fuck, you sound like you are indeed more fucked up than you originally thought, as Eh said.

Do you remember your first rage? Or do your parents?

>>37132141
You guys sound pretty badass, but I think that there may be a possibility of abuse. Although I'm not certain, because I don't know your dad. It's a possibility, but not likely. It sounds like you guys just have anger issues.

>>37132200
I'm thinking bipolar. I haven't followed up with An Fucking Hero's story too much, but seeing how an hero is suicide, it sounds like bipolar disorder I. It's just a suggestion.

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>>37132267

He got his name from me. The "an" was just a mistake that came afterwards.

>>37132156
There is nothing to explain, i'm just a classic paranoid with classic paranoia symptoms

>>37132317
Oh, okay. I just thought that there could be some relation to the other meaning.

>>37132324

I didn't ask you for an explanation, I asked you for a detailed example of this happening.

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>>37131413
studying seems like a better prospect than dying since you still have some will to live
im not sure if i'll ever paint again. ive been doing sketches for a painting for my brother. its about the general hannibal barca. perhaps the most difficult painting ive made so far, IF i paint it at all.
to be honest i had very faith in my abilities to start with, and ive lost the little faith i did have

>>37132200
That was the first story about it I posted here: >>37131411
My mom saw one after a high school soccer(football for the non-burgers here) game junior year. Referees hate my school colors. I'd had fouls called on ME when people slide tackled me. As defense. After the second one, I kicked the bastard in the head. Managed to hold it back until was home, took an axe innawoods and let it go. I was gone for, according to mom, about two hours. I think I chopped down 3, can't remember for certain how many I counted when I came to because this was several years ago.
>>37132214
Thanks, but I don't deserve all that. Just always assumed I had an anger problem. Probably originates from that Scots ancestry.
>>37132340
Nope. I just brought this up today because Nick and others like yourself in these threads usually have good insights.

>>37132406

You must paint again. Your paintings are top level. I know famous (relatively) painters whose work doesn't outshine yours.

Seriously, get back to it. Your art is amazing and there needs to be more of it.

I cycle between OCD and complete apathy. One day I'm obsessed with absolutely everything -- cleanliness, order, routine... the next I literally live in squalor and don't give a shit about anything.

I either take life extremely seriously or don't give a fuck.

Example: last week I was counting calories and following a strict exercise regime, today I'm smoking and drinking and sitting all day doing nothing.

Someone explain this shit.

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Hello, Nick.

I made this thread today.
>>>/adv/18329596

As I was recovering, I thought - maybe I do not really need all of this social interaction?

I was redpilled, and it gave me much inspiration to keep on moving. Today, I realized I'm actually in a good position.

For instance, I don't drink because I fear I lose consciousness or become addicted. People do say alcohol helps people to socialize, but do I really need "friends" who drink, watch football and work on a boring job? I don't. This is below my current level. Disregarded, next.

My body tells me I need a woman to settle down with, to speak with and to support her. But I don't think this will work out in the long term perspective. After all, I do not want to be used, and more importantly, I do not have enough resources to pose as a potential partner to women, so if I tried, it would result in massive time-money loss for me and massive money gain for her. It's not beneficial even if she pretends she loves me. Next.

I separated my moral standards and goals in life into two categories: the ones who I has been taught by my single mother, and the ones I came to myself. I got rid of the former and kept the latter, so I wouldn't be influenced by society anymore, and so I could make my own decisions.

Assessing all of that, I came to the conclusion that I'm a pretty good man in a pretty good situation. Sure, I have social anxiety, clinical depression and some complexes, along with the specialty I don't like, but I don't have any debt or ongoing loans. I have not been seriously betrayed, and I spent all the time from 19 to 24 on self-improving, philosophy, getting a healthy body along with healthy habits, etcetera.

Right now, I am oppressing the basic rule of modern society. I will live by myself, for my pleasure and entertainment, and I will pursue my own goals and dreams without feeling any shame about it and disregarding any standards.

What do you think?

>>37132139
>I was elated.
this shit is amazing to me, it seems like an impossible reaction. or atleast a reaction coming from someone fucked up in totally different way than you

>>37132406
I'll ask, who cares if you're good? If you enjoy it then do it. Life is too short to spend it not doing what you love because people said you're bad.

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>>37132458
i dont know man. my therapist says the same. painting used to be the only thing that gave me pleasure and now even that pleasure is gone. now it's a chore like everything else. it's the same as going to walk the dog, or take a shower or eat, just more difficult

i just want to die and make all of this end

>>37132521
i dont enjoy it anymore tho

>>37132464

Have you looked into bipolar?

So my therapist says that apparently my disdain towards fat people is enough that she thinks it might be worth exploring more.

>>37132508
>My body tells me I need a woman to settle down with, to speak with and to support her. But I don't think this will work out in the long term perspective. After all, I do not want to be used, and more importantly, I do not have enough resources to pose as a potential partner to women, so if I tried, it would result in massive time-money loss for me and massive money gain for her. It's not beneficial even if she pretends she loves me. Next.

This is very outlandish. It's almost as though you can't imagine relationships being actually great for you in every way. You also seem to think a woman can't work and bring money to the table as well as you do. There are many assumptions that are factually off in this one paragraph.

Humans aren't made to be alone.

>>37132559
What used to feel enjoyable about painting? As someone whos ability caps off at stickpeople, I'm curious. I have wonderful pictures in my head but was never able to let them out due to how bad I was.

>>37132508
>What do you think?

Tell me about your parents.

>>37132512

When I get upset like that, and start typing so much, it becomes a frenzy. I'm completely in it and it doesn't stop. All caps fury comes along and I just ride that wave of anger/joy. Maybe that was a reaction to my general numbness of lately.

Not even sure how numb I have become. I know the tears aren't far away. It only needs some breaking.

>>37132604

Tell me about that.

>>37132643
i always see you with lots of expressions, even when you're not raging.
maybe my definition of numb is something else

Scared.

I've been holding off emotions for a while now, and I know it's just going to come back in crushing waves. I don't hold off anything intentionally. Some days I just feel more immune to feelings.

>>37132734

Numb means derealised in my case. I oscillate between feeling out of everything and feeling far too much.

>almost cried in the classroom
>almost puked in the classroom
>almost fainted at school

That was a bit calmer this week.

>>37132610
Tell me about it.
i love drawing as a way of expressing my feeling but I totally suck at it.
People tell me that Im still quite above average but everytime I try to make something good It looks horrible and I never finish it.
Probably never even finished a picture in my life.

But I got kinda good at drawing faces so thats something I guess. Still looks like a shitty comic book but it's better than before.

>>37132825

Show us some art.

Draw a portrait and finish it.

>>37132610
i guess there were several things enjoyable about it.
one you hint at was definitely a big part of the enjoyment: being able to put to canvas what was on my mind
simply mixing colors on the palette and getting the right tone was also a part of it
seeing the shapes forming on the canvas was a big turn on (not joking i used to get a boner from time to time)

one part that was never enjoyable was having others look at it. even when they had nice things to tell about it

you know it's weird. even when i was most depressed, around 14, when i would starve myself, self-harm, drink and smoke heavily etc, drawing and painting was always a pleasurable outlet and now even that small pleasure is gone

you hold it up to them and they smile fucking smile and don't say a thing that the cops were coming. You ask them if they'tre afraid or regret ib tut hey aren't

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>>37132825
have you been drawing since you were young?

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>>37132825
I cannot draw or paint the pictures in my head. But I'm decent at copying things in front of me. Pic related, drew from my Aku folder while here at work.

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>>37132872

What's that you say?

>>37132845
That is incredably sad painter just like my spelling

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>>37132837
Its mostly just crappy sketches

This is the last thing I did not long ago but it turned out pretty bad so I didnt finish it as always

The face just looks like a stupid cartoon.

>>37132876
Yes, but I never thought much of it. instead of teaching to draw I learned how to draw machines and am currently trying to become an engineer. So thats something I guess

>>37132964
Fuck man.
it looks more even more shit on the photo when i look at it now

>>37132760
i feel like i've been holding back my emotions all my life, i want to let them loose but i dont how how to.

>>37132643
I'm still a firm believer that when you leave your house on this upcoming trip, to Portugal I believe it was, that you will feel better. Your environment affects your brain, and your current living environment is toxic to your mental health.
>>37132964
Thats pretty damn great. Is that from a referenced image or straight from your mind?

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>>37132964
>So thats something I guess
i think that's more than something, that's good (making a career of a hobby is as good as it gets i think)

>>37132930
my doc says it's part of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. namely anhedonia and avolition. we've been trying to counteract it with sertraline but it has had no visible effect

what's your story, why are you on nick's thread? sorry if you already shared it in this thread and i missed it

>>37132964

It's pretty cool, actually.

More!

>>37133011
Thanks...
I usually find a random face on google so I get the shades right but thats about it.

My SO has borderline personality disorder and I want more than anything to be able to help him more but we both know I can't.

I honestly do not even know why I am posting.. I guess I just feel like we are spiraling down and have no way out.

At what point is it okay to help someone commit suicide to end their suffering? Is it ever okay? I know a part of him resents me because I am the reason he stays alive. I love him and just want us to get through until.. well.. I don't know if it will ever improve. Some people with BPD have reduced symptoms when they hit their 40's.. is this all worth him suffering everyday for that chance? Just so I won't be alone?

Sorry for the ranting.. I just needed to get some of this off my chest.

>>37133003

Try music.

Birdy's Skinny Love always annihilates me, especially as it now sounds like it's about me. I used to listen to it thinking about the hardships in my relationship, but to listen to it after it ended is excruciating.

>poor a little salt we were never here

>I told you to be balanced, I told you to be kind

>Come on skinny love just last the year

It did, she left in February.

Tears are coming... I'd just need to listen to that fucking song and several days of almost no tears would come to a screeching halt.

https://youtu.be/lT67liGjZhw

It's on.

>>37130800
So, I'm really tempted to try to hurt others. I was thinking about becoming a surgeon and kidnapping people, then dissecting them. I wonder if I'm capable of this.

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Breaking. Oh well.

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>>37133050
Rest is mostly just random crap.
never really put much work into it
(I quite often try to draw about horrors of war, that gets me emotional as hell)

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>>37133076
>I know a part of him resents me because I am the reason he stays alive.

This is most likely bullshit and a sad excuse for him to hate you. Nobody stays alive for anyone else exclusively. So forget that right away.

Is he in therapy? Have either of you read pic related?

Have you tried Dialectic Behavioral Therapy?

>>37132606
>>37132614
Maybe I'll find someone to talk with later. My current activity sphere does not contain someone I could talk with in a two-way manner. It means I should raise myself to a gap which would allow me to pursue much wiser people so I could give them something in return of them giving something to me. Intellectually and culturally.

I was raised in a shut-in environment away from the developed cities. All I had were books, and later, legos. I was not allowed to go outside, and even if I did, there were absolutely no kids around that place.

In my early years, my mom would heavily drink alcohol with my PTSD'd father constantly, while I was in my room minding my own business. When I got older, mom began abusing me, pursuing her own interest - walking me to church, beating me up during piano classes, forcing to rewrite all the school notebooks if I made a mistake. She was quite psychotic back then, and I often saw her having sex with my father openly. I was ignored by both of them, although mom was taking me to some obscure IQ improvement classes. She took me to English classes, and I'm thankful for that.

When I was in middle school, she got a lover, and we went to a different place, leaving my father behind. I continued to unintentionally attend to their sex life and alcoholic adventures. This was the first time I tried to kill myself.

When I was 15, my father shot himself, depressed and lonely. Mom ran to him and donated as much blood as she could. Father recovered, and she left him again. Several months later, he disappeared, leaving a note saying he'll go away in search of a new life. I tried to find him via police ever since, but got no luck.

When I graduated, mom took me to a university, to a faculty I had no interest in. She had. And as of now, I'm finishing this six-year humanitarian hell.

She went calm over the years, but I'm trying to stay away from her emotionally so I wouldn't be influenced by her.

>>37133049
Nick shared a really tiny version here
>>37132317
Long and the short of it was I'd been unable to save a dying man and that failure was tearing me apart inside, making my depression that much more excruciating when it had something solid to latch all those negative emotions onto. Nick helped me realize that it wasn't my fault I couldn't save him, and told me to call myself a fucking hero, I at least stopped and tried to help. Later became An Fucking Hero because I couldn't remember the name right, and kept it because this version is funnier.
>>37133055
Thats really impressive. I cannot draw anything more complex than stick people without a reference image.
>>37133151
Here for you man.

>>37133134
Why? Why this path? Becoming a surgeon takes years of intensive study, at least here in the first world.

>>37133107
This girl has an incredibly soothing voice
https://youtu.be/FIN0SJg3Swg

She has a cover on skinny love I think

>>37133158

Look up Otto Dix's work, you'd like it.

This painting uses elements from Grunewald's Crucifixion. You may see one of the Apostles pointing towards "Christ".

>>37133213
So I know just where to cut. I'd build my own house with a secret basement. That's where I'll keep all of the body parts.

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>>37133251

Forgot pic. Next one is coming.

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>>37133281

Grunewald's Crucifixion.

>>37133196
>I'd been unable to save a dying man and that failure was tearing me apart inside
that's some hard shit. glad you realized it wasnt your fault. how long ago was this?

>>37133281
Holy shit this should be on a metal album like right now

>>37133281
Hell yes.
This looks amazing

Hey nick i am the anon from last thread you asked me about my parents being demanding

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>>37133306

The whole triptych is amazing.

Dix is great.

Here's the whole thing.

For an amazing account of World War 1, I recommend Storm of Steel. It's one of the most fucking amazing things I've ever read. From the German side of things, very raw, absolutely crazy. It's like the Platoon of literature.

>>37133376
>Hey nick i am the anon from last thread you asked me about my parents being demanding

I must say that doesn't narrow it down much, kek. But yes, I remember you.

Name yourself and let's get it on.

>>37133107
It's kinda weird when youre a metalhead and like emotional songs. Not that easy to find.
I love nice soothing voices but I feel like I need to feel the raw emotions from music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tSsRRSgj6U

This is probably the best thing I ever heard but I doubt anyone will like it here.

I've never been on /r9k/ but I figure if there's anywhere to go and talk about my feelings to strangers it's here. Today I was suspended from my University after violating sexual misconduct rules (I didn't do anything egregious, just didn't think to ask consent and it happened months before the investigation) and I had to quit my campus job before they fired me. I won't be able to come back until fall 2018 and I really don't know what to do now. I'm a 4.0 student and I was able to keep my grades up even though I went through an investigation this semester and I was homeless last semester. I just don't know what to do and I feel like a failure. I was on track to be my school newspaper's editor in chief and hold other positions in student organizations. Now that this is over, I have to go through an expulsion trial in my fraternity to see if I'll be kicked out of that too or if I can be on permanent suspension until I graduate. I'm a really driven student and I like studying, working in organizations, and improving my campus, but that's all gone now. I'm really at a loss right now for what to do and I've moved back in with my mom. The only bright side to my life recently is that I got a cat and my favorite hockey team is doing really well and I have the opportunity to go to the big games. Other than that, I just want to get drunk and play videogames all weekend.

>>37133413
Guess this will do it

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>>37133291

In case you didn't find Christ.

>>37133304

Just you wait until I find a way to repost the whole story for you to see.

>>37133486
Those pointing legs are quite a dead giveaway

Hello everyone!

I'm not gonna danrail today. Just wanted to pop in and say hi. How is everyone doing?

>>37133532

>Danrail

This thread has its own lore and army of original memes now.

All we need is an artist to create the OC that goes with it.

Hello, Dan.

my friend just told me that he wont go to the concert with me tomorrow

Im kinda scared to go now.
Things just keep getting better

>>37133573
You're talking about the Kiss concert in Brno?

>>37133573

Invite someone else to come along.

>>37133272
Thats so much fucking effort just watch videos on best gore and learn, it cant be that hard. did you ever disect anything in high school? It's pretty clear what organs are what and such.

>>>/hr/2917302

This actually worked.

>>37133622

The origin story of Hero. The stuff of legends.

>>37132659
Like I apparently really look down on fat people or people with bad hygiene or who don't dress appropriately for certain situations. And it's somehow indicative with a problem with me that I have some level of standards.

>>37133602
nah, just a local small one.
Theres gonna be a band of a guy I know so I said id come. Theyre pretty popular here.

>>37133654

Could be some low level narcissism where you like to find physical reasons to shit on others. I used to do this a lot and still do it to a lesser extent.

There's a very fat woman at work, and I just fucking hate every inch of her, although I suspect it's her personality I hate more than her body, because I know other lard asses whom I actually like and whose obesity isn't a problem to me.

What do you make of your own dislike of fat people?

>>37133621
It's probably a lot more complicated than just cutting stuff and figuring out what it is

>>37133605
First of all dont have that many friend

Second of all about two of them like metal and one can tolerate it. Those two live in a different city and the one just called it off.

>>37133744

Why don't you go with Dan?

Evening laddos. Catfights in Yakuza are pure bullshit. I'm going to meet up with a couple of anons tomorrow after work. I'll be sure to let the thread know if I die.

LO left with very little clothes. She wanted me to pack the rest of her stuff, but I refused, because I can't hold her clothes for more than a minute without collapsing in tears, and my new rule in life is not to do myself harm. So I said no, fuck it. Nobody forced her to leave this quickly.

Instead I offered to pay for new clothes,
which she first refused, then accepted, reluctantly; I dropped 200 pounds on her account; she still doesn't know.

>>37133786
>I'm going to meet up with a couple of anons tomorrow after work.

What?

>>37133778
Sure. Going outside with strangers from internet is definetly my kind of thing.

>>37133842
How many guys do you think she's had sex with since you cheated on her? 9? 12?

>>37133847
Yeah, I'm going for a beer or two. I'm not too worried.

>>37133868
>>37133778
And out of all the strangers, with me. A psychopathic, borderline drunk with a short fuse and tendency to be aggressive.

Boy oh boy. Then again, he is tall and I'm a manlet so he should have no reason to be afraid of me.

>>37133868
We already know each others deepest thoughts, or as close as youll ever get to know someone in real life, from sharing here, its safe imo

>>37133897
>How many guys do you think she's had sex with since you cheated on her? 9? 12?

None. You may find this hard to believe, but it's the truth. I haven't had anyone else since her either.

>>37133914
>he is tall and I'm a manlet so he should have no reason to be afraid of me.

You don't know Joe Pesci, then.

Your country isn't that big, you two could actually meet up for that concert. Will you go for it?

>>37133926
i agree. whats more coild happen?

>>37133935
have you ever told us the story of your ex? why did you guys break up? is all her shit still at your place?

>>37133926

>We already know each others deepest thoughts

Not sure if thats a good think when meeting from 4chan. Were pretty much all crazy here

>>37133949
i think you underestimate our coutry. Its a 4 hours ride from here to prague

>>37134007
*if you go by train, by car its much longer and Im not living in any shithole on borders or anything

>>37133965
>have you ever told us the story of your ex?

To some degree.

>>37133965
>why did you guys break up?

I betrayed her by having another relationship without telling her.

>>37133965
>is all her shit still at your place?

Much of her things, yes. Lots of makeup stuff, hairbrushes, art supplies, art, books, her red shoes, so much smaller than would fit my feet. I break down whenever I see them but can't touch them.

The worst is when I find some of her kawai stuff. She loves kittens and cute things (and also videos of surgeries and eFuckt). Found a lunchbox with a kawai rabbit on it, who says, "I love carrot." The cutest thing to have a breakdown over.

Reduced to tears, sitting on the kitchen floor.

>I love carrot.

>just fucking end me.

>>37134007
>Its a 4 hours ride from here to prague

By American standards, that's almost a regular commute.

4 hours is nothing to go see a concert with a friend.

How far are you guys from each other?

Well nick one of the few bad things about my parents or family as a whole was that they always used to fight a lot since i was a child. They weren't exactly demanding.

>>37134045
if my wife left me or if she ever died I will have to kill myself right there. How long ago did that all go down?

Do you have any friends who could at least box up her stuff and put it in storage? having to look at it all the time cant be healthy.

>>37134064
Well, Nick. We're not friends. Sure, we spill our hearts out ITT, talk about bullshit and whatever. Doesn't necessarily make us friends.

>>37134044
How's it going tubby? Don't they normally use an atlas to map the vast proportions of your body? Try Globe next time

I'm watching a movie. I was invited to the cinema tomorrow, but for a sequel, and I haven't seen the first, so I'm doing homework.

Don't ask what it'll be.
>>37134075

That's already abuse. It's very unsettling for a child to witness this sort of violence, and utterly unnecessary.

>>37133621
I don't want anything to get fucked up. It all has to be perfect.

>>37134108
kek
Didnt think you would remember

>>37134149
I've made a commitment: I'm going to bully you every day. Just once, but I'm going to do it. Because I care.

>>37130800
Hey nick- Ive missed the threads since #60
Still doing the same, social anxiety has stopped acting up as much tho. Deporessed as ever

>>37133182
Nick, I do not know what you're doing right now, but I'll wait until you respond. If it doesn't suit you, you can even reply to me in the next thread, if you like.

I don't insist on getting your attention, as there are too many people to talk to, and you've been doing it for so long.

Could you confirm you won't abandon my case so I stopped worrying about it?

>>37134064
Well as Dan said, this thread doesnt make us friends.
After all I dissagreed with most of things he said

And 4 hours long ride is quite a lot when someone tell you to go a day before.

and finally Dan might be 10 years older than me and be into a totally different music and kind of concerts.
To be honest I think Im probably one of the youngest people here.

>>37134171
Wow, thats actually really nice

>>37134111
Yeah everything got worse when i was around 14-15 years old, my grandmother got sick and ended up bed ridden, she basically gave up and refused to cooperate with anything to keep her healthy it was a hell almost daily with fights between her, my alcoholic grandad and my mother for around a year until she finally just died

>>37134236
how old are you? I just assumed most people in this thread were in the 20s maybe 30s.

>>37133709
It just makes sense. They don't have the discipline to even take care of themselves, and they waste resources and look gross too. I can't even imagine letting myself get to the point of looking like some of those lardasses, and cringe at the thought of being like them. They're just disgusting.

>>37134256
No problem. We're generally a very supportive group, though the needs of visitors and regulars are somewhat unorthodox.

>>37134102
>if my wife left me or if she ever died I will have to kill myself right there. How long ago did that all go down?

Back in 1998, 27th of November, a classmate of mine died. Every year since then, I remember the day.

It so happened that last 27th of November, it was a Sunday, was the day I chose to tell her the truth. I killed my life that day.

Months of hell followed and I'm not out of it, for reasons both hard to believe and insane.

>>37134102
>Do you have any friends who could at least box up her stuff and put it in storage? having to look at it all the time cant be healthy.

I refuse to let anything go.

>>37134106

You don't know each other yet, but just work on it.

As you and I, we argue with more passion than actual lovers. You're more like a wife to me now.

>>37134236
Don't count on it bud, I just turned 19 like a month ago

>>37134269
Dont really want to tell. Not because I wouldnt be over 18. Im proudly legally drinking all the time.
But because people tend to treat you differently once they know youre younger.
I dont want to get the regular "you dont know shit about life, you should be happy" crap

>>37134263
Same thing happened to my uncle, without the abuse parts. I was around 12. Cancer is a bitch

>>37134217
>Could you confirm you won't abandon my case so I stopped worrying about it?

I confirm I will not abandon you. Facman can confirm that I don't easily abandon people, including people who hurt me more than the Sun ever could.

[email protected]

Email in case of anything.

I won't abandon your case, don't worry. Ask around, I don't give up. Dan can confirm I don't even give up on you if you yourself abandon me.

>>37134361
I wouldnt expect that mentality from anyone in this thread. I'm 23.

>>37134270

I work out and eat well. But I hate looking hot for absolutely nobody. Such a damn waste.

>>37134337
Honestly I get the feeling that the guy doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't blame him.

You forgot "no homo".

Also that reminds me I wanted to read through the thread from yesterday.

>>37134270
Exactly. being obese just shows that you don't care.
Another thing I've never understood is how people can go weeks without taking a shower- if I go more than a day I feel disgusting. Also, showering is awesome

>>37134348
Damn, didnt expect that, guess we were born in quite a similar time

>>37134390
Well, fine.
Im 19

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>>37134379
I can indeed confirm this. Just stick around and shit up his threads so he's forced to acknowledge you

>>37134321
The same thing happened to me with a classmate this year
it was night and he was driving over train tracks, and a train came and plowed him out of nowhere. You guys should have seen that car, it was just rubble, and scrap and guts

>>37134321
>I refuse to let anything go.

What would you say to one of us if we were telling you that about our breakup?

>>37133090
sorry for slow reply, i got invited to play some games.
i've shed tears to music once in my life...

>>37133304
>>37133529
>>37133650
I'm back. Glad you found another place for it. Is this link permanent?

>>37134433
Well met fellow youngfag

>>37134399
No offence.
I doubt you would want anything to do with me either.

I haven't slept more than 30 minutes in a week and keep getting sleep paralysis and horrific nightmares. I feel like some evil presence is watching over me and will one day show himself and drag me down to hell. I've always had fucked up nightmares but I'd still be able to go to sleep for 4 hours or so. This started around the time I watched a lot of traumatizing shit. I didn't feel anything at the time I was watching it and I've always watched it since I was a kid to satiate my curiosity, but I wonder if it's slowly changing my brain? All of the horrible shit I've seen is just getting worse and worse and I'm finding it seeping into other areas of my life. I had a nervous breakdown last night and really wanted to kill myself. I'm tired of getting tortured every time I fall asleep. I've been hearing screaming, random voices coming out of nowhere and stuff when I'm falling asleep and noises that I mistake for voices in my daily life constantly making me jump out of my skin and sometimes dead bodies standing around in my room. I keep mistaking the slightest thing for something terrifying and I get easily scared now. My family think I'm just a hypochondriac, but it is ruining my life even if that is the case. I can't be in silence anymore or I'll have a panic attack. I'm sleeping with the lights on again and have to have a lot of sound playing at all times to block everything out. Being around myself and focusing on my thoughts is becoming terrifying to me, I can't tell if they're mine or coming from somewhere else lately. They don't make sense and are just scrambled sometimes.

That's about it.

>>37134484
Damn that's a book

Give me a sec

>>37134375
Yeah except her disease wasn't deadly it was just some infection combined with arthritis if she would have gotten threatement she would have lived

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>>37133622
thanks for linking the story. really interesting and i can see you really helped him to see the situation from another, more benign, angle.

i do think you project your own experiences with parents to others and you end up attributing many of anon's problems to their parents. as if you were kind of blinded by your upbringing so you cant avoid seeing other parents in a dark light

reminds me of when i told you my dad had touched me by mistake. there are more examples of this in older threads but im too lazy to track them down. i believe you are not at peace with your own situation and that blinds you. just my opinion tho, i hope you dont mind me sharing it

>>37134484
No offense- but you sound paranoid schtitozphrenic to me- try to go see a doctor

>>37134379
Thanks a lot. I will be patient.
This Monday, I'm going to finally see a therapist. I hope it will end well.

>>37134508
Godamn- dying from arthitis? Jesus.

Quick update on my therapy, finally going back to my therapist after months of not going to really try to work out some of my social phobias and my difficulty relating and talking to people. Nervous but I feel like it needs to be done

>>37134549
She died from the infection it ended up causing her to stop breathing and stopped her heart

>>37134591
Oh ok

So sad to know that it could have been easily treatable with a round of antibiotics

Socialized healthcare ftw

>>37134443
Why are you here? I don't know your story.

>>37134566
Considering you are as old as I, how did get to therapy?

Did you parents get you there? Did you tell them you want to go? Do they even know?

I feel like I should get help but I have no idea how.

>>37134443
>What would you say to one of us if we were telling you that about our breakup?

I know. But it had been 7 years and she was much of my own life. Losing her after having taken care of her for so long feels like losing my own child. Our relationship was not balanced, and that's how things are now.

Still, I'm not touching anything of hers.

>>37134455

No, it's a board here. I can reupload it anytime.

>>37134472

The birth of a great friendship.

>>37134665
I have anger and anxiety issues. I fantasize about murder and self harm on a daily basis. I used to self harm myself alot, before my wife had some panic attacks and begged me to stop. I'm a sadomasochist.

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Talked with my ex's mom for the first time in about 2 years. Givin' me recommendations for local docs that really helped her through the years. Shes bipolar and been through an abusive family. Really quite similar people. Heard my ex's voice in the background. Started crying. We talked for an hour. Ex is doing alright. I want to slit her throat but theres some deep buried solace in that.
Talking to a girl town over. Developing alcoholic. Not sure whether to get involved deeper or not. But i need a real friend, and we're talking everyday and bonding over similarities. Im not sure what to do. No urge to drug, cut, burn, and snuff myself take precedence.
Probably going to redo my scars tonight. No reason not to, decoration is key. Already burned myself with my cigarettes so why not do some actual constructive art.
Vent over, any recommendations on further reading for BPD Nicholai

>>37134731
>I'm a sadomasochist
just play it out with your missus on the bed ;)

>>37134731
Do you have these urges everytime? Like around people while socializing. Or only when you are alone and start thinking too much?

>>37134713
It doesn't archive?

>>37134671
My parents used to help me in my mid teens, but now that I'm /uni/ and an adult I guess I just schedule them and make myself go

Yeah, they know that I go and they are just happy that I take mental health seriously

It can be hard to just set up this kind of stuff, I had to psych myself up for a day and say "fuck it" I have to do this

Therapy really helps so if you want it try, really try to get it.

Look in your area for a good psychiatrist online, (I like women, they feel less intimidating to me) and just force yourself to schedule an appointment. Go in and give it your best shot. It always gets easier after the first time

As for finances, I only pay 20 per session because I have insurance through my folks, but if you don't it's a little more expensive usually- about 50-100. Trust me though, mental health is important, it's worth it

>>37134780
She will choke me, but doesnt like that stuff done to her and is terrified of myself doing too much harm. It all gets pent up.

I am confident I will not die before killing someone.

>>37134731
I'm too much of a wimp to self harm desu

Signing in for the sake of signing in.
I hope all have been well, i wont be telling anyone bad advise today, kinda busy.
Have a nice one.

>>37134830
Less about being a wimp, more about not being broken enough to have such a shaky preservation instinct or to be taken with such powerful and maladaptive expression.

>>37134846
You too bort

Reminds me of the nigga on Sesame street

>>37134783
All the time, everywhere. Only time I feel any relief is when my wife and I are spending time together. It's been what I think about when I fall asleep and wake up since I was 10. The only reason I havent done it yet is because I was scared and now I have things to live for.

>>37134870
Have you talked to anyone about this or shared these feelings with anyone in your life?

>>37134830
>>37134851
It's fucking great, you should try it.

>>37134888
Only my wife. Therapists a long time ago knew I had anger problems but nothing more.

>>37134846
You have a good one too Bort.

Im out for today boys, its been helpful as always, cya

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>>37134914
Its... interesting. Not really as taken with it as you.

>>37134813
Sounds nice.
Sadly, as I said here yesterday, Im not really connected to my parents enough to let them know that I have mental issues. They didnt even question it when I got half my hand scarred from a bloody pocket knife I got. I mostly just blame it on cats or some crap, I once even told them that I got a scar from lathe at school.

I really cant imagine telling them and I dont even have any income atm. my friends are always pissed that I take their cigs, doubt I could pay for a therapy.
Atleast not any time soon.

>>37134511
>i do think you project your own experiences with parents to others

You keep saying that. I know people offline whose experience match my own in some aspects; it's nothing surprising anymore. Recognising patterns is not projecting.

So spare me.

Anyone who grows up with issues without understanding why, if it's not a technical issue like autism or other, it will generally be the upbringing. You don't realise this but that's your problem, not mine, and it won't make me suddenly ignore what I know.

For you to accuse me of projecting my own issues on others as the only reason why parents are often responsible for the issues of their children, that's just spitting on everything we know of child development, and I won't do it, since I have no reason to.

Your case is a good example. I asked thorough questions, a lot, and came to another conclusion. So much for projecting.

What you misinterpret as me projecting is simply me being aware of how difficult it is for an abused person to recognise the abuse for what it is, ask Facet for confirmation. Any therapist would tell you as much, and that is why I insist a lot. See Ethan's downplaying his own abuse as well, or pretty much anyone here.

I am not blinded by my past and would ask the same without it.

>>37134955
Toodles mac

>>37134998
Ok man. Some people have more important things that need to be paid for first

Just trust me that it does help. Consider it if you ever get an income source

I'm out for today lads.

Gotta head out to a dermatology appointment, they are putting me on minocycline instead of doxycycline to start putting an end to my acne regimen now that i don't have acne anymore.

Good day everybody thanks again

>>37135100

ill be living in a different city in a few months.

I should be able to start working again soon but im pretty sure Ill spend 90% of the money on stuff ill need to live in a new place and shit for school,
but who know, maybe Ill save some and actually try it

>>37135176
Bye, maybe well get to chat again sometime

>>37134998
This was worrying me quite a lot in my relatively new job. The sprang it on me one day that I had to wear short sleeves now, and I knew that they'd see the minor scars that I have (as well as the much older, more serious ones). Luckily the most serious scar actually looks more like a burn so I can play it off as a cooking injury. Anyway I decided that the only option was just to not mention it and act like nothing was a miss and sure enough, so far no one's mentioned it. I doubt they've missed it though.

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>>37135056
>For you to accuse me of projecting my own issues on others as the only reason why parents are often responsible for the issues of their children, that's just spitting on everything we know of child development
your twisting my words. i just say you often did blame it on parents too quickly.
>>37135056
>Your case is a good example. I asked thorough questions, a lot, and came to another conclusion
look i see you're being defensive, im not trying to get you mad. im just saying what i see. pretty much as you do
as for "asking thorough questions", as soon as i told you, you assumed my father was an abuser. instead of questions you mostly shared statements which is good and all but it's far from standard practice on psychologists and psychiatrists.
i pretty much had to go back and forth for who knows how many messages til you took a new approach and even then i think you ended up assuming my dad had abusing me and i was denying it>>37135056
>What you misinterpret as me projecting is simply me being aware of how difficult it is for an abused person to recognise the abuse for what it is
actually no, im not misrepresenting because im not representing that at all: i know it's hard to recognize abuse, especially when you are a children. what im saying is that you quickly jump to the conclusion that Anons were abused by their parents too often, without enough proof. hence why i say you're blinded by the abuse you yourself suffered>>37135056
>I am not blinded by my past and would ask the same without it.
im sorry nick but i dont believe you. anyways i was just trying to give you insight as you do with us, sorry if i offended you but i believe what i said: you should keep talking to your therapist about your parents, it seems like you havent closed that circle

>>37135215
>I doubt they've missed it though.

People failed to see 8 bruises on my knuckles when they were obvious as fuck. People don't give a shit.

My forearm scars are visible if you look close enough; no one has ever noticed.

>>37135215
The one time I was sent to a mental hospital they made me take off my clothes to check for scars. They let me keep my underwear on though, so didnt see all the scars on my hips. Cuts on the arms are too hard to hide.

>>37135263
Any particular books on BPD you wanna recommend champ? Or anything for general suffering really.

>>37134731
It kind of reminds me of myself, but I don't have anxiety issues.

>>37135313
do you cut or burn yourself? how does it make you feel?

>>37135263
Maybe you're right. I do fancy that they catch the light though. What should I say if anyone asks about the tattoo, come to think of it? It's a little bit niche. There again I could go with the normo accent and say 'I just liked the design/ picked it out of a book' or some tosh.

>>37135279
They are. I considered planning ahead and bandaging over what are quite superficial cuts just as a means to hide them, but that would only raise more questions.

>>37135255
>i just say you often did blame it on parents too quickly.

That's what I heard, but you confuse inquiring and blaming. When I do find that parents have a toxic attitude and perpetrate abuse of any kind, I state so, and at this point, you'd be hard pressed to deny the abuse.

I don't recall a case where I blamed parents too quickly, not even yours. Inquiring is not judging. The confusion is yours, not mine.

>>37135255
>look i see you're being defensive,

Don't give me that shit. Your accusations are pretty heavy and necessitate a reaction that's at least as heavy. Of course I am defensive, since I am being attacked. What good would I be to anyone in this thread if my help is nothing more than projected bullshit? If you don't want me to be defensive, don't put my entire credibility at stake and I won't have to defend myself. If you do, then prepare for a normal defense on my part. It's the least I owe everyone else here.

>>37135255
>you assumed my father was an abuser.

You told me he touched your genitals for a minute by accident. I'd be quite retarded not to consider the possibility, especially since you still have no explanations for your current condition, and mental issues don't pop out of a magic hat.

>>37134392
But people could at least make it not be nausea inducing to be around them.

>>37135337
what kind of tattoo do you have?

>>37135325
Oh yeah, I also don't self harm.

>>37135363
Its a symbolic design chosen by one of my other facets. To most it's just a meaningless pattern, but that makes it hard to explain away. Looks a little like a circuit diagram.

>>37135255
>instead of questions you mostly shared statements which is good and all but it's far from standard practice on psychologists and psychiatrists.

I asked you lots of questions to get the bottom of this, and held a far more skeptical doubt than you give me credit for, since I had to do the opposite of what I normally would: assume that maybe, just maybe, a man who touches your penis for a minute "by accident" is not a pedophile abuser. You can't put in doubt my open-mindedness after this, and you can't say I'm blinded by my past since I accepted your version of things in the end.

As to standard practice, I doubt you have any qualifications to judge of that, especially since you're wrong about it. You'd be surprised what those fine people say and do.

>>37135255
>i pretty much had to go back and forth for who knows how many messages til you took a new approach and even then i think you ended up assuming my dad had abusing me

That's such ingrate bullshit. It's not like you had anything to prove to me. I kept asking you questions to be sure of what was going on. It wasn't about you trying to prove something to me, since we weren't having this conversation for my sake. Don't turn things around. If I asked this many questions, it was to be sure, it wasn't you doing me a favour and somehow battling against my evil projections.

>>37135255
>what im saying is that you quickly jump to the conclusion

Either I quickly jump to conclusions or "it took forever to convince" me of something. You can't have both. Questions are not conclusions.

cont.

>>37135263
Not sure if dont give a shit.

Sometimes I think people just dont want to notice
Its not that easy to overlook when you hand looks like a fucking zebra.
Not saying my hand does but It happened to me before that I got drunk or something and told about 2 people I think that i did it to myself.

Since then when some guy asked me about the scars and I just told him the same bullshit i told eveyone, the one guy who knew how I got them just laughed and acted like it was nothing, never talked about it with him again.
Seems like people just dont want to get sucked into your problems so they rather ignore it.

>>37135501
You would be surprised most people don't even notice it and those who do most of the time don't give a fuck

>>37135501
That sounds a lot less messy, quite honestly. This might be reductive of me to say but I truly can't imagine well-adjusted people being able to relate to me any more than I can relate to them. I'm not risking the blow to my ego by going the extra mile with colleagues again. It's just not worth it. As long as we're cordial and efficient at work that's good enough.

>>37135255

>Anons were abused by their parents too often, without enough proof.

And so they are, very often. The only proof I need is for them to say so. Doubt me all you want, but you have no reason to doubt anon's words for all intents and purposes.

I understand your rationalisation over my personal case. It's an insult I don't take lightly.

>im sorry nick but i dont believe you.

You don't have to. I don't give a fuck.

> you should keep talking to your therapist about your parents, it seems like you havent closed that circle

Yes, I have. In case you haven't paid attention, I've cut my parents off permanently, while leaving them a way to contact me, which they haven't used in a month now.

To drop your parents as though they were dead requires some serious closure ability. To know that when either of them comes to old age or grave illness I won't visit them and will let them die alone, that takes more resolve than you suppose.

There's nothing more I could tell my therapist about my parents that I haven't said already. My parents aren't the biggest problem in my life, by far. If the rest went well, I would be fine with the situation in my family.

I don't appreciate you deciding what weighs more in my own life and making such heavy assumptions about everything I'm doing here. Maybe this is some kind of payback for having dared to challenge your view of your own past, but I won't dig into it. Maybe I was gullible enough to buy your version of things, but I opted to trust you.

In the meantime, you never came up with an explanation for your mental issues. I tried to make more sense out of it, I didn't impose anything on you, and I couldn't if I wanted to.

I'm fairly surprised by this change of attitude on your part, but so be it.

>>37135592
Dropped my trip
>>37135587
Sounds fine, let's mutually only give a fuck about our work and do our best.

>>37135337
>What should I say if anyone asks about the tattoo, come to think of it?

"Satan made me do it."

May not even be a lie.
>>37135399

It's a fucking sigil to summon a demon of that name.

>>37135633
Use a little tact, Nick. We were avoiding specificity on purpose.

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>>37135350
>That's what I heard, but you confuse inquiring and blaming
i think the confusion is on your side to be honest. asking is inquiring. you made statements pretty early rather that asking

>>37135350
>Your accusations are pretty heavy and necessitate a reaction that's at least as heavy
i dont see it as heavy im just making an observation of one of your biases (the only one i can see): parents
>>37135350
>Of course I am defensive, since I am being attacked
again, not an attack, a constructive observation>>37135350
>What good would I be to anyone in this thread if my help is nothing more than projected bullshit?
i didnt say all you did was projecting, you're putting words in my mouth again because you are on the defensive. i said part of it, as it relates to parents, is projection (only in the cases when you conclude too early, not in all of them)>>37135350
>If you don't want me to be defensive, don't put my entire credibility at stake and I won't have to defend myself
i didnt

>>37135350
>If you do, then prepare for a normal defense on my part
since i didnt, it's not the appropiate response tho>>37135350
>You told me he touched your genitals for a minute by accident. I'd be quite retarded not to consider the possibility
exactly, as a possibility, but you stated from the get go that such was the case, not that it could be a possibility, that's exactly what im talking about

>>37135350
>especially since you still have no explanations for your current condition
i have my own considerations about my current condition. ive actually shared them but also ive given you the background ive talked about with my psychiatrist: i have an uncle with schizophrenia, i also was bullied all the way from kindergarten to high school (someone peed on my back, i was beaten up regularly, i was verbally abused by other kids. my grandma who i loved very much had embolia and that resulted in the paralysis of half her body etc)

like i said from the get go, just an observation

>>37135633
>It's a fucking sigil to summon a demon of that name.
>>37135399

Is it really? Has anything come of it since getting it? I tried to summon a demon once with some stupid /x/ shit but it didnt work.

>>37135700
I don't really want to get into it in depth tonight, since it will make it difficult for me what with work tomorrow. Ask again tomorrow evening if you want to know more. But short answer, yes it is a sigil and yes there have been enough results that I could write a mediocre pasta for /x/ about it if I wanted. It's complicated.

>>37135700
Read up on Crowley and the Cult of the Golden dawn.
Magic is more psychological than you literally summoning a demon to your room.

>>37135759
I will. I look forward to it.

>>37135764
I wish it was so easy. I dont have the dedication to really get into it.

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>>37135595
>I've cut my parents off permanently
i have read this, you are assuming i didnt but what im saying is you quite clearly havent gotten over it

>>37135595
>that takes more resolve than you suppose.
you're assuming what i think again, i do think it takes resolve>>37135595
>I don't appreciate you deciding what weighs more in my own life and making such heavy assumptions about everything I'm doing here
that's exactly what im saying you do in the first place tho, too many assumptions, that's interesting

>>37135595
>Maybe this is some kind of payback for having dared to challenge your view of your own past
its not, i actually appreciate it and im accustomed to it (i visit my own psychiatrist)>>37135595
>I'm fairly surprised by this change of attitude on your part, but so be it
its not a change of attitude at all, i just made a constructive criticism based on what ive seen in past threads. you chose to see it as an attack even if from the get go i told you it wasnt my intention to offend and i was careful with my words

that you take it as an attack is pretty interesting to me. it talks about you being defensive either about your parents or about your ability to analize others (by the way in general i think you're good at analizing others just not their relationship with your parents since you have a big bias

>>37135595
>In the meantime, you never came up with an explanation for your mental issues
see the other response, ive actually talked about all of it before on past threads

it bums me out to see you mad about something so harmless but i prefer to tell the truth in hopes that such truth will help you in the long run

Just saying hey
I've been okay lately, despite the (minor? Not sure how to gauge) relationship stress

>>37136049
What's going on with your relationship? Did you break up with someone?

>>37136117
No I'm just retarded and make things harder than they have to be, I think I'll turn out okay though

>>37136208
>make things harder than they have to be
How so?

>>37135680
>We

I thought you somehow forgot what it was. And it may be so if the others want you not to think about what it really is.

>>37136236
Long story short, I have a habit of spazzing out when things move forward

>>37136319
This all sounds like tomorrow talk. I need to have my head together in the morning. Still, if you have a serious answer about what I might say then go ahead. Your first answer wouldn't really be appropriate, all things considered.

>>37135695
>exactly, as a possibility, but you stated from the get go that such was the case, not that it could be a possibility, that's exactly what im talking about

Because you had told me your father had been fondling your genitals for 60 seconds straight and said he didn't realise.

If you think I'm projecting my own past on yours when I assumed your father was likely an abuser after you told me this, then I have nothing to argue for anymore.

>>37135700
>I tried to summon a demon once with some stupid /x/ shit but it didnt work.

Is it since then that you want to kill people for kicks?

>>37136341
Have you tried not moving forward? Keep things the way they are, and there shouldn't be any problems. Maybe later on you can move forward without spazzing out. Most people don't like change if they aren't ready for it.

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>>37136366
you're taking things out of context again, i also told you from the start about all the signs of why it was an accident.
you're doing it again, moving the goalpost
being sincere with yourself will help you help others more than protecting your reputation or whatever it is you're trying to do

anyways, i like you as a person Nick, and im glad that your way of coping with your problems is helping others. that speaks good of you. that's the only reason why i made my observation, otherwise i wouldnt have made it.

i hope you one day realize i wasnt "attacking" you

>>37135909
>i didnt but what im saying is you quite clearly havent gotten over it

Then do describe what "getting over it" implies, and don't say "spitting in the face of modern psychology" because it won't count.

I don't see how much more over it I could be.

>>37135909
>i just made a constructive criticism

Constructive criticism implies that something can be built from it. There's no such thing in your assumptions.

>>37135909
>based on what ive seen in past threads.

Not even recent ones, I assume. Why would you do that, is a good question.

>>37135909
>you chose to see it as an attack even if from the get go i told you it wasnt my intention to offend and i was careful with my words

I don't choose to see it as an attack, that's on you, own up to it. You don't see it as an attack because you're convinced you're right.

>>37135909
>. it talks about you being defensive either about your parents or about your ability to analize others

You make an assumption that is wrong and I correct you on it. It says nothing of my parents or my ability to analyse others. You're a pretty crafty fucker and you can turn this into anything you want, but it won't change facts.

>>37135909
>it bums me out to see you mad about something so harmless but i prefer to tell the truth in hopes that such truth will help you in the long run

I just think it's messed up from you to insist on this. You confuse knowledge gained from an experience with some sick obsession of wanting to find my own parents in everyone else's. This thread should have shown you that more often than not, I am not in error with my guesses. Offline cases confirmed this. Not everyone is like my parents, as I have found no one who had comparable parents, but abuse is abuse. I found people who had no physical or sexual abuse at all end up in atrocious states solely because of psychological abuse. That's unlike my parents, but still. I recognised the signs, the patterns, I made a prediction and was completely correct

>>37136441
Things are already going at a snail's pace, and part if me wants to try and move things along

>>37136355

I can't make sense of this. Have you drunk?

>>37136549
Do you want to move forward because you think you're supposed to, or because you really want to do more?

>>37136488
>i also told you from the start about all the signs of why it was an accident.

A full minute never sounded like an accident to me. I still don't know how a grown man pets his child's genitals for a minute without realising what he's doing.

>>37136488
>being sincere with yourself

In what way am I not sincere with myself?

>>37136488
>more than protecting your reputation or whatever it is you're trying to do

Reputation isn't the word I'd use; credibility would be. Without that, I wouldn't be of much help. I took a stand for it but will not spend hours on it.

Well im gonna leave you to your arguing
It's been really nice here today. Im quite sad I didnt join earlier.

Ill probably get here again on sunday if I go to that concert tomorrow.

Good night everyone thats left at this point

>>37136580
No, I'm sober. I'm saying that I don't want to get into the details of everything tonight in a way that could potentially negatively impact my mental state since I have to be up in the morning for work and I'll need my wits about me. I then asked if you had any sensible suggestions for what I might say if asked about my tattoo since I do not think that dark humour would be contextually appropriate.

>>37136655
Sleep well Atlas, hope the concert goes well.

>>37136377
Haha, no. I do have some holy water in the fridge through I've never tried to put it on myself.

>>37136612
A bit of both admittedly, still, my body seems to be fighting me

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>>37136771
>Holy water
It wouldn't do shit. Anyway, I better go since it's late. Night everyone.

>>37136791
Never do something only because you think you're supposed to do it. If your body is fighting you, then you're probably not really ready to move forward yet. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

>>37136547
>"spitting in the face of modern psychology"
i dont see where this is coming from, i believe in modern psycholoogy
a sign of you getting over it, i would say, would be you not projecting your experience with your parents to others from the get go
>>37136547
>Constructive criticism implies that something can be built from it
i agree. what could be built from it is a more cautious way of approaching the subject of other people and their parents

>>37136547
>Not even recent ones, I assume
as recent as two threads ago or so and as old as the first time i posted. havent been watching the conversations on the last two or so

>>37136547
>You don't see it as an attack because you're convinced you're right
but that's wrong: even if i was wrong i wouldnt see it as an attack just as an observation, you know, like the ones you make about others

>>37136547
>but it won't change facts
im not trying to change facts. im trying to have a normal conversation not a fight

>>37136547
>wanting to find my own parents in everyone else's
i dont think you want to, no. what ive been saying is almost the opposite: you cant avoid it

>>37136547
>This thread should have shown you that more often than not, I am not in error with my guesses
never declared the opposite. just said that too often you assume and declare parental abuse too early>>37136639
>I still don't know how a grown man pets his child's genitals for a minute without realising what he's doing
well see, for perspective: i told my pdoc the same case, instead of immediately assuming it was abuse he asked a lot of questions and waited for me to provide more info. he reached the conclusion that i was right and it had been an accident. my point is that there are two methods, the one you followed and the one my pdoc followed and i think yours steams from your own parent's abusive relationship towards you

>>37136639
>In what way am I not sincere with myself?
about how you think about other people's parents and

(1/2)

>>37136900
It's small stuff that I want to do, I've thought a lot about boundaries and I'm not crossing them, I think I just work myself up too much

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>>37136918
... about why you feel attacked by such a harmless text (until now that you mentioned credibility)
if anything, accepting the criticism (as a possibility not a reality) and rethinking your approach in some cases (statements early on instead of questions) would only make you more credible in the future


>>37136639
>Without that, I wouldn't be of much help.
i agree but without an unbiased view on parenting you wouldnt be of much help either (in that specific realm of things). the validation the "patient" receives from that finding will only be temporal since it isnt the actual problem

see all i said was basically "i think you are biased towards other people's relationship with their parents because of your own. just my opinion"

and you took it as an attack. not even only an attack towards that area of your knowledge but of your knowledge as a whole. can you see why i find it far from normal?

(2/2)

>>37137010
That sounds reasonable. Whatever the things are, it's better to go too slow than too fast. Try visualizing them in your head a couple times, it might help you not spaz out when you do them in real life.

>>37136674

Cat attack, glass accident.

>>37136918
>would be you not projecting your experience with your parents to others from the get go

Projecting normally implies not seeing what you project as belong to yourself. I'm very aware of my parents, I'm not trying to hide it from myself by seeing it in other people. Thus, it fails as a projection.

Come to think of it, no grown man fondles the penis of his child for a minute without realising it. Sounds like you're the one projecting after all.

>>37137083
>about why you feel attacked by such a harmless text

Why does everything have to do with my reaction? I'll react however I see it. You're trying to force your vision of things on me and since I know it to be wrong, I have no reason to let you keep trying.

I don't think I need advice from someone who fails to see abuse on such a gross scale as yours. Just don't do it to kids yourself, you might end up in prison.

This shit makes me consider dropping the whole thread for good.

I'm not here to serve as your screen to project your own stuff and then claim I'm the one projecting.

>>37137498
>This shit makes me consider dropping the whole thread for good.

Please dont. I would miss you, Nick.

I can sense the end is near. Too many coincidences.

I doubt we'll make it to #100. Maybe, but maybe not with me.

>>37137553

You'd be fine. Good night.

>>37137577
Good night, Nick. Hope I will see a new thread tomorrow.

>>37137394
>>37137394
>Come to think of it, no grown man fondles the penis of his child for a minute without realising it
my psychiatrist disagrees with you. if he thought differently he would have encouraged me through it.

also i understand you feel attacked and thus you are attacking (trying to be hurtful with your comments) but i'll ask you: do you think that's what a therapist would do? be hurtful out of spite?
>>37137498
>Why does everything have to do with my reaction?
because you're the one saying im attacking you, and you are the one saying im hurting your credibility, also your reaction is not the only thing i mentioned it was just one among others

by the way i dont say you're projecting your parents abuse onto others but rather your inability to overcome it. you assume too readily that their problem is an unresolved problem with their parents

>>37137498
>I don't think I need advice from someone who fails to see abuse on such a gross scale as yours. Just don't do it to kids yourself, you might end up in prison
now think again: imagine you were an actual psychologist (as you seem to want to be). would you have such little tact around a person who suffered sexual abuse just because you think such patient is provoking you? you think im projecting my own problems onto you yet you use it to hurt me? just imagine i was actually an abuse victim and you could hurt me with such words. you lose control too easily when we are talking about such subjects Nick. i just want to tell you i still appreciate you and what you are trying to do (otherwise i wouldnt have tried to help you)

Well this thread went to hell pretty quickly

>>37137498
>This shit makes me consider dropping the whole thread for good.
also this is interesting too. you encounter a different position to yours and you're already considering quitting (not that i think you actually will or should)

>>37137856

Time for it to die for good. Nick shouldn't be wasting his time like this.

>>37138702
>Time for it to die for good.
Then don't fucking bump it you retard!!!!

guys real question here how can i do so the people that are around me can motivate me to do what they say is good for me? i cant do shit anymore even staying in the computer browsing 4chan doesnt feel good

>>37139373
Just force yourself. You can't do it willingly, so push yourself to do it. You have to muster up all of your will power to make yourself change. It may be hard, but it will pay off.

>>37138813
You guys can give up on this, but I'll try to bring it back.

>>37137498
I'm very late to reply. If you read this Nick, you may give up, but the thread will still live on. Although it will have a hole that only you can fill, we will still be here. At least I'd try to keep it going.

>>37139707
I feel like i never wanted to do anything of the things that somebody would call own will forcing myself wont be enough ive always acted on fear of the consequence i think that it feels like having nothing to lose but is more like i have nothing to win

>>37139918
Well, you need to find some way to convince yourself that you get something out of it.