feels thread, why are you a fucked up piece of shit, >fried

With this lack of replies nobody wants to let them out

I'd reply but Opee basically did my post for me.

>tell my family I smoke weed
>uncle drunk and tells me to get my weed
>we both smoke outside
>feel really bad and weird about
>regret it

Is it weird to smoke weed with your uncle?

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>Fall for the "Japan beautifel country" meme
>Go to uni there
>99 failed opportunities later
>Now I am stuck here without any chance of getting a gf being as much of a loser as I was before leaving

Grass really isn't greener elsewhere

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>emotionally tormented into an asexual, apathetic monster
>only hobby is playing magic the gathering at local game store
>nobody at league likes me
>only friends moved away to build their lives, I'm still in my home town
>eventually will have to move out of home, will hardly get a career with my credentials and overweight, un-charismatic demeanor

I need a way to get big money quick or an hero

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>>37121682
>it's 3.30 am
>i'm here
I'm actually better off than 99% of /r9k/, despite (or because of?) being a wizard, but I still come to feel for others and let go of my own, relatively minor, problems for a while.

>raised by a single mother who's beaten me repeatedly
>started contact with dad and he's a drunk & smoker
>grades are worsening
>can't get a job
>worried I'll grow up just to be a failure like my parents
I've started seeing a therapist and using meds to cope but jeez, it doesn't really matter

>>37123615
I had the same issue when I smoked with my brother.
I think it has to do with the fact like, you have a specific perception of your family its not that. Neither of us had even seen the other do it or seen each other high and shit, because we had to hide it. Then all of a sudden they're like doing it in front of you and it just feels really odd. It's not how you pictured them.

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>Had crushing depression since age 12
>sense of humor grew so damn dark that normal humans can seem to find the sarcasm in it anymore.
>dropping acid every weekend seems to be the only thing that can breath color back into my life but that makes me even more unapproachable by everyone else.
>Every relationship I've had has been one that cheated on me
>All I want is love but there aint no girl like me
>at least ive got you guys tho

I don't know. I think there is just something inherently wrong with me. It feels pretty pointless to even exist, but getting out of that just causes even more problems.

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>>37121682
>abuse
>no dad present
>poor and broken family
>bullying
>aspergers
>no goals or ambitions
>closest thing to a friend I have is the internet and always have been

>>37121682
alcoholic jobless loser
i quit for a few months almost every year but always go back to it because sober life is so fucking terrible
keeping a job is almost impossible for me because i can't bite my tongue with asshole customers/bosses

>>37123833

Based on your time zone you live in Hawaii, so that's a plus, right?

Also you got dubs so that should give you at least some will to live

>there's something wrong with me but don't know what
>almost all close interpersonal relationships burn down in flames
>get a sick pleasure out of learning people's insecurities and dismantling their self-esteem as soon as they cross me
>hate this behavior and always feel incredibly remorseful, guilty afterwards
>as soon as the pressure builds, do it again
I've fallen into a pattern of getting involved with low self esteem girls with daddy issues, seeming non-judgmental at first so they dump all their problems on me. I boost their self-esteem then when they inevitably move on I tear them back down and leave them worse off than before they knew me.

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>fried my brain by doing MDMA ten times in a month along with a vial of acid
>got some kind of psychotic illness (doctors gave me risperidone but they don't know what it is yet)
>clinical depression since 12
>only a couple friends
>no gf after being left by my first gf ever

My feelings are full of terror. I can't sleep. It's been a week of constant dread. I want so desperately to sleep but I am having very vivid hallucinations, voices, sleep paralysis and dreams, as well as some strange head shaking when trying to fall asleep. I just got stuck in sleep paralysis earlier today and had that hallucination of satan staring down at me after I had just dreamed of burning in hell. I couldn't do anything. My heart felt like it was twisting and being pulled out of my body by his arm phasing through my stomach and I felt if I stayed in such terror for much longer I'd die in my sleep. I was trying to scream for a long time but I couldn't open my mouth. I finally flopped out of bed trying to move my hands like a fish out of water and did yell. Tried again to sleep just now and I was having strange visions of portals. I was a game npc walking down straight paths with no control over motion. I was going through one after the other and each portal room was... differently designed. It made me uneasy, so I tried calming myself down before I reached hell by spawning happy lighthearted rooms. That didn't work at all and I reached the final portal to hell, the flesh room. I went through and the same thing happened to my heart, I saw satan's face in the steam and I couldn't handle it at all. Once I gained control I omitted a pretty terrifying yell I had no control over. Sounded like a man's scream I heard when he was burning alive.

I'm really fucking tired. I'm going to try again. Please... fucking please. I just don't know what to do.

>>37121682
Basically the same as you anon.
My brain feels like a wad of used toilet paper at this point. I have nothing to say and I don't care to say anything to anyone any more.
Worst part is I don't know if any of this is reversible so I just continue making myself worse by getting stoned and smoking cigarettes to numb the pain. It truly is a vicious cycle.

>>37121682
I know u nigga

I've had insomnia since 2013 and I feel like it's deteriorating my looks. I'm 27 now. I'm bored and can't find interesting gays to date... I can't bring myself to date normie gays who like pleb music and don't know or care about art or history or books.

>dream of being a rockstar
>know I suck
>dream won't die despite this
I wish I could be content with being normal.