Can someone show me something that's supposed to make me

Would experiencing pain count as feeling something ? I used to burn myself with matches because if the antsy reason "I wanted to see if I could still feel"
I recently worked out more why I am like this, any chance you have a horrible existential crisis mainly to do with the meaningless of life and the fear of death ?

>>36132767
I mean emotionally feels. It feels as if the only things in life are physical feels, hence why exercising and sweet foods are my main sources of happiness. But yeah, I guess I wanted to be affected by Kimi no Na wa because I wanted to see if I could still feel.

Ever since I was 13 (I'm 25 now) I've accepted life to be objectively meaningless (but subjectively meaningful), morality to be objectively subjective (although still very meaningful to those who are immersed in it), and I have discarded my fear of death. I guess I often feel very detached from the real world, I often feel as if life is a RPG, not in an autistic way, but in the sense that I don't feel as if anything is meaningful or important.

I'm not consciously having an existential crisis, my experience on this earth seems completely meaningless but it feels like I'm okay with it and that I've always been. I'm not sure about subconsciously though, if that's case, then how do I fix it?

>>36132718
Does this apply to you?
A. A pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
(1) neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
(2) almost always chooses solitary activities
(3) has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person
(4) takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
(5) lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
(6) appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
(7) shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity

>>36132973
I cant say if this will help, I dont know you well enough to be like "this is wgats wrong this will be the best route for you"
But what I found was I emotionally numbed myself and subconsciously reminded myself how meaningless life is only because of my fear of death, and what I realised was I distanced myself and numbed myself because, the way i saw it, Death was fucking scary, but all death can do or threaten me with is reaping me of life, so if I subconsciously held no value to life and did not attach myself what so ever, when Death takes life, it isnt scary, because it is just takong something of no value from me

I continuely numb myself more and more, the feeling emotions thing isnt hard in a way, its more I wont let myself ever feel to begin with and my fear of death is so strong, it isnt a choice to be so numb or feel, I just dont want death to be scary, so I depower it by it not having anything to take from me.

But idk, im in 4chan, so I cant say my opinion or experiences can hold much merit to others, just spitballing

>>36132718
I'm a schizoid. There's nothing you can do.

>>36133064
>(1)neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
100%. All of my friendships are impersonal and are as deep as my friendships with anons on 4chan, in fact, in many cases more shallow. As with my family, I used to be get really upset if I thought my dad didn't like me, but overtime I stopped caring, I've never really got on well with anyone in my family
>(2) almost always chooses solitary activities
In my late teens I'd occasionally visit my friends (a few times a year). Although I did socialise pretty heavily with my school mates outside of school over the internet. I hate working in groups and excel working alone. I rarely talk to anyone in real life now as an adult.
>(3) has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person
I sometimes think it would be nice to sexual partner to play out my sexual fantasies with (and they often involve a degree of intimacy) and occasionally daydream about it, but I've never made any attempts to pursue a relationship, I'm a KHHV
>(4) takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
Hmm this difficult to say, I never a feel a positive rush like I did before I became the way I am now, but I kinda enjoy video games, I'm not sure if it's because I actually like them or because they alleviate the ever present boredom in my life. Post exercise recovery gives me a minor positive rush, that's probably the happiest I feel
>(5) lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
During uni I had a few (2/3) good friends who I'd talk to between lectures and over the internet
>(6) appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
When I was a young teen I craved praised like nothing else. I wanted nothing more than to be praised, now I couldn't care either way. actually criticism does make me feel anxious.
>(7)
When I'm being myself, yes, all the time. When I'm wearing my superficial mask, no.

>>36133312
Congratulations, you can self-diagnose as schizoid, if your condition causes you difficulties or failure in life.

>>36133477
But don't schizoids appear closed down and quiet?

I appear mostly normal, it's all just an act, my actual facial expression in most situations would be straight, but on the outside they're animated and responsive. Nearly everyone in real life thinks I'm lively and charismatic even if I have to study human behavior in order to know what's an appropriate emotion for each situation.

>>36133535

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder#The_.27secret_schizoid.27

>>36133570
Oh... I see, I forgot to add that I really enjoy public speaking too...

Thanks anyway anon.

>expecting serious emotional complexity from fucking anime

come on now

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>>36133590
I'm just speculating here anyway. OP's exeriences are very much like mine and I properly fulfill the SDP criteria.

>>36133604
But anons say they cry at stuff that hardly makes me feel anything. I'd like to feel like I used to as a young teen again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndH6UqA0QSo

>>36132718
Watch Nagi no Asukara or Ping Pong.

>>36133637
some people are prone to emotional exaggeration i guess

>>36132718
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-aWfg2DTCw
Does this help, anon?

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>>36133830
>normalfags are shocked by this
Next you're going to tell us shoveldog is horrible.

>>36133830
No I didn't feel anything watching that other than mild curiosity.

I keep thinking that I should be writing likes "it was disgusting!" or "I feel sorry for those Pigs" but I honestly didn't, atleast on a conscious level. I watched it from start to finish without flinching and judging on past experiences, I reckon I could have a perfectly fine conversation with the men in the video who abused the animals, even as he was doing it.

I also had phrases such as "if I could I'd shut that factory down", but then I had to ask myself why would I? And really the answer I can come to in my mind is because that is what people would expect me to do, no matter how hard I try I can't find a part of me that genuinely cares about those pigs.

Hmm, maybe if the factory was invisible and unknown to everyone but me, and I could never tell anyone else about the existence or the fate of the factory then would I shut it down? I'm not sure, probably if it was an effortless action but if it required any investment beyond pulling a lever, even just having to drive there, then I'm not sure.

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>>36133830
I know I'm supposed to feel disgusted watching this but I just can't look away due to some fucked up reason.

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>>36134036
>I know I'm supposed to feel disgusted watching this
How so?

>>36134051
Isn't it the normal response to seeing sentient creatures in pain?

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>>36134165
Any why would you have to act in accordance to the norm?

>>36134210
I don't want to think of myself as someone who's cold-blooded enough to do those things but maybe I really am that kind of person.

>>36134282
>I don't want to think of myself as someone who's cold-blooded enough to do those things
Why not, though? It's not like being capable of them means you'll do them.

>>36133830
Only thing I think of after seeing this is that I'd probably end up like those guys after working there my entire life, day in day out. At some point each pig's life becomes just another thing to be processed, not really valuable or worth taking care of

>>36133830
I felt some measure of anger while watching that, I don't care if you eat or kill them but that doesn't mean you need to make them suffer extra. Good to know I'm not completely dead inside.
>>36134210
>why would you have to act in accordance to the norm?
It's just what's more likely to happen.