I have severely deficient autobiographical memory syndrome. And

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I do not remember what stuff feels like. I don't remember what food tastes like. There was some juice... drink... thing that I'd drink everyday for years because I really liked the taste apparently. I apparently consumed several thousands of bottles over a period of a few years. There is no memory of the taste, just the knowledge that my past self must have liked it. I recall wondering what "addiction" was, I only recently realized other people can visualize and feel things from the past. I understand how other people form habits now. I have to actively remind myself to do things I know I liked in the past. It's extremely easy for me to forget why I like the things I like.

I know I haven't hugged anyone in several years. I think it's been about three years now. I don't remember what a hug feels like. Nor do I feel the need to hug someone. I understand the concept of a hug, it's an expression of affection. But that's all it is to me, just a definition in a dictionary. I have no memories to attach the definition to. I have the knowledge I've hugged people before, but I don't remember my motivation for doing so.

It feels like I should know more things about myself, but I'm afraid there is nothing to be known.
In the process of writing this, I forgot what my motivation for doing so was.

cool superpower bro but that's another thread

>tfw OP won't reply to this thread because he'll forget about it.

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>In the process of writing this, I forgot what my motivation for doing so was.

You were about to announce your ascension to the R9K Throne, my Lord

>>36095969
That's gotta be crazy. I'm the opposite am softie. I was crying about the news in syria today

do you have family or a job?

>>36096028
From my perspective, it feels like everyone else has superpowers. To me, the concept of mental images is completely insane, on the same level as telekinesis or telepathy. I believe I must have always been aware of my terrible (non-existent) memory, but it's only been a few years since I found out "visualization" is something almost everyone else can do.

>>36096187
I have my parents, and a sister. I haven't spoken to my sister in a couple of years after a fallout. She's a complete stranger to me. My understanding is that I used to love her but that's not a familiar sensation. I don't feel anything in particular towards her. I live with my parents but I can say I do not like them. I will have to get a job soon. I operate mostly on semantic memory, and that's more than enough for most venues of employment.

Don't mean to be rude but if you don't have a memory are you even sentient? Aren't you like a robot doing everything "in the dark"?

What does it feel like to be like this? I can't imagine you being happy but are you depressed? What goals do you have in life?

>>36096401
I'm not sure when it started, but I think I relegated myself to an "observer" role from a young age. Possibly as soon as I could perceive other people as separate than myself. I am sure there was an infinite amount of faked reactions that I was able to construct using my memory of "how a person like me might react in a situation like this". I believe I'm sentient, I just don't have a databank on myself. I wonder if other people are aware of the facade. Right now, I'm trying to remember if *I* feel worried people will see through me during those social interactions. I legitimately can't remember what my state of my mind is like when I have to interact with people beyond the scope of "hi" .

>>36096530
>What does it feel like to be like this?

What does it feel like not to be like this? I've read about mental imagery and superior episodic memory but it's so foreign to me.

>I can't imagine you being happy but are you depressed?

I can be depressed. I have been depressed. In one instance I forgot to eat for almost two weeks due to stress. I'm sure that was traumatic (a misnomer since I'm not actually traumatized in any sense of the word), but I had to make conscious effort to remember that was something that happened to me. Not a piece of trivia, but something that my specific body went through. I can't remember what that stress felt like, and I can't remember what going without food for that long feels like. Forgetting to do pleasurable things is an issue I suppose.

The English for word for "happiness" is a bit vague, but I have happy moments.

>What goals do you have in life?

I would like to excel in my field but I don't see anything beyond that. I cannot even comprehend what it would be like for someone like me to have a partner in life and children, even though I've read about other SDAMs doing so. I have never fallen in love and I can safely say I have never felt the urge to get physical with anyone.

It's amusing, but trying to look back on my life, several of the events that spring to mind are vague instances of me failing to fake it. Those must have been very stressful at the time, so they stayed with me.

I remember a girl calling me out on my lack of facial expression in high school. I do not remember how I dealt with that breach at the time. I suppose I made a conscious effort to use my face more often after that. Was that depression? Am I ever not depressed then?

I remember some guys asking me if I ever fantasized and jerked off. I remember being lost for words at the time, the word "fantasy" must have caught me off guard. I think the realization I was radically different from everyone else must have hurt. Yes, it does hurt to know you have no real peers. It hurts right now.

Actually I'm starting to feel pretty terrible. My very existence is a blight on mankind. It's ugly and disgraceful. Looking at this from a macro perspective, I serve no purpose as a social being. Why should I exist? I know nobody can answer me, so why do I ask? And why here of all the places on the internet?

>>36095969
I feel quite sorry for you,anon. Now I know how normies must feel looking into the lives of people like robots. It`s...bizzare not being able to even comprehend your mental state. It scares me and makes me feel miserable,because you seem to exist on a completely different level of sensation. It`s odd how you seem like some alien being to me.

The literal best thread in this catalogue,deserves a bump. No seriously OP is more miserable than literally everyone here.

>>36097945
I think my motivation for creating this thread was to make other people feel miserable. It took me this long to realize because I tricked myself into turning my introspective faculties off. I created this terrible thread exposing people to horror better left unknown, just because I wanted to hurt you. I like to lie to myself about being good or neutral at worst, but it looks like I'm just a piece of shit.

And this post's purpose is no different I suppose.

>>36098409
You just made me realize how disgusting human nature is at its' core,mostly by getting myself to display it in just as much splendor as the normals. And you made me kinda disgusted of what kind of animal,I actually am OP,so congrats. Also,while sounding stupid,have you ever tried using some sort of external device you can reference as a way to store memories? Or is your issue so deep that you are aware that even attempting to make such a thing will fail?

>>36098409
Well you're doing a bad job then, cause I just feel curious instead. Then again, I'm not a very empathetic person.

>>36098531
As you have guessed, I do not record my life. No journal.

No photographs. Everything feels fake. I used to tell myself it was just "self image" issues... I guess I was right in a way, wasn't I? It wasn't my face's structure that bothered me, it was the proof that I had a face to begin with. With a fake expression plastered all over it.

>>36097018
I'll do my best to explain to you about "mental imagery and superior episodic memory"

No one has some kind of "photographic memory" where they remember every detail of something if that is what you are thinking.

I am guessing you at least have short term memory?
Long term memory is the exact exact exact same thing as short term memory... only longer. Also, quality of the memory degrades with time.

IT's not like I remember each and every day of sixth grade, I don't even think I remember even a day of sixth grade.
I do remember moments though, things that impacted me.

>>36097699
Probably gone, but, I feel ya.

Just a blight on mankind....
Religion may help though, believing that God loves you and ur gonna go to heaven and have a bunch a bitches to fuck there

>>36099245
>I am guessing you at least have short term memory?

If something upsets me, I will usually remember why something upset me for a little while, yes. Days even. Negative events can linger, but they still fade into nothing unless they go into DANGER territory, like coming close to getting raped/molested or starving to death.
My brain seems to outright reject positive memories. That might be because I don't mentally digest any positive event as an actual net positive. I can remember getting the news of failing an important exam and being disappointed (albeit in a detached, 3rd person perspective non-image based "memory") but I have 0 stored data on passing the same exam the following year. And with my life basically being almost entirely centered around studying, you'd think a "positive" event like that would have actually registered.

>>36099322
One of my earliest "memories" is being around 6 years old (maybe 5 or 7 even) and pretending to believe in Santa because that was the mindset expected of me. I do not have what it takes to believe in a higher power. And I don't understand the appeal of having a bunch of bitches to fuck. Someone would literally have to rape me for me to awaken to whatever joy people derive from sex. Or I'd hate it and the end result would be the same. And assuming I failed to get it regularly after developing a taste for it, I would forget what I ever saw in it weeks later.

To make this clear, where most people's brains would contain a well-directed 1st person "video" (regardless of quality, visual acuity, framerate, length, and accuracy), I keep a barebones txt hastily narrated in 3rd person with no feelings accompanying it. And there never seems to be anything good in there. Which isn't really a surprise. If I'm faking it all the time, every "good" thing that happens... happens in that fake frame of my creation. *I* (whatever I am) am not present. I have never been present.

I need to go now, I'm sorry for this thread.