Thread replies: 8
Thread images: 4
Thread images: 4
File: asdsada.jpg (130KB, 500x625px) Image search:
[Google]
130KB, 500x625px
I should probably start with I've never been here before. Heard about it from other boards, and the concept of coming here to see what's going on, assuming everyone here is like wizardchan, kept me from here. But I kind of want to just let some things out, and right now here's a perfect place.
First of all I want to preface this tl;dr with the fact that I have this fancy shit called Adjustment Disorder. Full name of it on the psych paper is "Adjustment Disorder with Emotional Disturbances and Conduct." If it makes it simple, that means that under high stress, I flip the fuck out and can't control it. Think of it like being a berserker class in battle that has a chance to go on a fucking rampage and destroy everything...or curl up and cry, spiraling into a suicidal depression. For me most of the time it's the latter, as most of the time when I have outbursts, the small part of my brain that's still aware of what's going on knows it can't do what it wants in the restrictions it's under. Because of this I'm essentially stuck in limbo watching myself beat the shit out of someone, or point a knife at my own throat and try not to become an hero.
The other problem I have is the issue of people and groups. I have overwhelming urges to try to talk to people, or get to know them. Like reverse autism, I absolutely HAVE to associate myself with a group. Problem is, I shield my true intentions, feelings, and such, with pretty much shitposting. I make it so I can't be taken seriously, or even become an obnoxious fuckwit. This has gotten me alienated pretty much everywhere I go. Being here on 4chan helps a bit because I don't have to identify myself, and I can easily slip through cracks to get in conversations that I feel welcomed in, even if those conversations are heated. As for anything that forces identity, I have to hate my time I spent on 4chan as habits from here leak to other places I go, and I can't exactly change anything to fix it because of archives.
cont.
>>
File: 1491522657087.gif (863KB, 500x281px) Image search:
[Google]
863KB, 500x281px
D0n't forget to swing by >>>/adv/ as well!
>>
File: beetlejuice.jpg (126KB, 680x478px) Image search:
[Google]
126KB, 680x478px
>>36082030 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6Z2YbFfUpMc
>>
>>36081969
Because of this, I can't seem to normalize myself to integrate with normal people, and it's become a cycle of joining a group, shitposting, and being tossed out. I have done this with every. Fucking. Gathering.
Over the years I've adopted a mannerism in my personality, one I manipulated from when I was a kid being bullied and treated like trash. Essentially I keep myself as manic and dimwitted as possible to keep my true self from showing. This has kept me from anything harmful, like relationships, friends, and such. The only people who really know how I am are my family and very few close friends. Anyone else I see as throwaways that I will eventually isolate and push off the cliff. It's what I do, it's in my nature now. It's funny when I think about it too, because in school every time I fucking met the principal, it was always "Oh, you're a smart kid anon" blablabla. I used to think that, before I started deliberately fucking up my grades, because I knew they were liars. I knew the were padding me just so they can keep me from spiraling into a depression. It obviously didn't work.
What they weren't wrong about however, is I am I guess pretty smart, at least not academically. I can figure out people, and I can press into those habits, those personalities, and push buttons. It's a fine tuned form that I use for baits and trolling online, supplemented from my sponge like information gathering of many topics such as PSYOPS. It's the drive, the adrenaline that keeps me doing this, keeps me going. Keeps me fucking alive. My torment is my joy of other's torment. Their reactions are always priceless. Their responses, beautiful works of art. It's delusion that I am aware of but refuse to stop, because it's been my driving force, my reason for living, my actual fucking purpose I found, to cause chaos within the ranks of social groups, online and offline.
cont.
>>36082030
I never went there. Should take a peek.
>>
File: tumblr_of3tekuPwA1rtjm0mo1_500.gif (2MB, 500x278px) Image search:
[Google]
2MB, 500x278px
>>36082136
You should take a peek!
>>
>>36082136
I think I've become aware that I am running out of people to fuck with. Recently I couldn't handle banter and instead of ironically shitposting back, I freaked out and left. No bans, nothing, I left on my own volition, with my adrenaline pumping and stress high again. I'm slowly starting to realize my time here is running out and I either have a choice of isolating myself from the world, or simply trying to get myself medicated enough so I can't feel anything anymore.
I spent years causing others grief to offset my own, and now that I'm slowly running out of outlets, my only choice really besides finding a doctor to medicate me is to pull the plug on things and end it. It's really the only logical reasoning I have left, and since I'm stuck with the anxiety of a doctor thinking I'm not serious, I'm opting instead to quietly wait until the cigarettes I smoke for so long give me cancer, so I can reach over to the life support and pull the damn plug.
I want it quiet, and I want my mother to die of old age so she can't be there to see me end it. Or I get off my ass and go see a doctor to make all the emotions go away.
I don't know what I should pick honestly. I'll see what happens.
Sorry about the intrusion. I'm only posting this because I want people to know, and yet don't. I don't even want a name attached to this.
>>
>>36082222
Wew this board is autistic.
>>
>>36082223
He'll kf
Thread posts: 8
Thread images: 4
Thread images: 4