does anyone else think about doing something really bad sometimes?

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does anyone else think about doing something really bad sometimes?

i feel like my family likes me too much. even though they shouldn't. i don't want them to believe in me anymore.
i don't want them to love me anymore. i don't feel like i deserve it, and it's just going to be harder on them in the end.

i don't know what else to do. if i stay alive at the rate i'm going now, they'll have to watch as i deteriorate further and further until i become the complete failure of a person that they've always feared i would become.
if i kill myself, they'll be devastated and suffer for the rest of their life whenever they think about me. all because they "love" me. because they "care" about me.

why? i don't deserve to be loved, or cared about, yet they do anyway. because they have to?
do they not see how i'm destined to become a failure? how i'll never become who they want me to be, who they think i can be if i just try? why do they keep trying to fix me?

i want them to hate me. i wish they regretted my existence. i want to make them hate me somehow.
i don't know what i'd do. maybe something simple, like just slowly acting more and more like a jerk. like an unlikeable scumbag.
maybe i should do something more drastic, like rape my fucking sister or something. drag her out to the woods and shoot her. stab someone? i don't know.
maybe i should tell them about all my degenerate fantasies. about how i'm a pedophile. how i like watching people get murdered and imagine myself in their position. maybe they'll just think i'm an edgy faggot (which i am) and brush it off.
maybe.

does anyone else think about this? or do people already hate you? i wish i could have what you have.
am i a bad person for thinking about this? i am, aren't i?

what the fuck is wrong with me