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Its that time of the day again.
I have an abstract feel. Or more or less the compulsion to articulate one I've had for some time.
People seem to accept varying degrees of how pathetic you may be depending on how it suits them.
Or perhaps society does, as a whole, not the individual people or persons.
I am, pathetic.
I have secret underlying childlike directives that inhibit my performance as a common human being.
I know this.
People know this, if they ask or watch me long enough.
None do, nor do they ever find themselves a reason to.
In the grand scheme of things very few of us are very important to others.
Perhaps you matter to people you know, but the world is too large, full of strangers who do not give a fuck about you.
Perhaps a few odd ones who pretend to based off ulterior motives or mental instability.
Friendly strangers are disturbing.
Being innately purposefully pathetic while not inherently exhibiting the characteristics at a glance is... Complicated.
Like someone peeking in on you sitting upright and leaving, ignorant to the fact you are having a quiet aneurysm or seizure.
I struggle with my own improbable incompetence.
Internally.
My upbringing I realize conditioned me to only relieve a perpetual sense of guilt with active discomfort or some form of suffering.
If I have nice things and am undistressed. I feel bad.
If I have nice things and am not suffering I feel like I do not deserve them.
So I destroyed my life so I can be at peace from those thoughts.
Its funny.
I have to suffer perpetually to avoid suffering.
Odd.
The feel was one day this pain would be explained or removed from me by something greater than the average human.
That I will be in some place by chance and have this darkness in me tracked and acknowledged like a bad smell by a person capable of detecting it.
I don't go to school or work.
Im homeless.
So my crowdsourced "seeing" (cant find the term) of people is limited.
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I want to stop being or having to pretend to be strong anymore. (I can't get the correct grammar to explain)
I want someone to smell this pain like a truffle pig and become indomitably uncomfortable that a person could carry something so oxymoronically terrible inside.
To say "Fuck." or maybe not.
I wouldn't imagine a person like this to be so informal.
Even though it is against my nature to be put under a microscope I want them to disturbing describe my pain in a room full of people who think they are plagued.
Only to say "Not you...Him..." and ominously point in my direction while I do something contradictorally monotonous to the pain they claim is inside, and no one else knows but them.
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Shit sounds heavy anon, maybe you should try getting comfy instead?
Here, feel free to join us https://discord.gg/H5JfZxA
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>>35880306
sounds like you belong on wizardchan more than here. also Jesus is really good for helping with that. Salvation anon theres always salvation
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>>35880518
When I was in middle school, I read DragonLance novels.
"This life couldn't be real, maybe I'm actually under a spell, and I'll wake up and fight alongside Raistlin and Tasslehoff against the Dark Queen!"
Redpilled myself into outgrowing magic and wizards, which enabled me to shake my head sadly with cringing empathy at the Harry Potter fans.
But I was stupid enough to fall for the Catholicm meme.
I didn't want to tear my own life apart, but standards set by my ex's parents taught me that I am not meant to be normal.
"There's a reason why Jesus healed the afflicted instead of leaving them be."
So ex left me for a non-afflicted person, and like OP, my life went to shit. But not by choice.
There are too many people and too few societal roles and limited resources.
Not everyone deserves a participation trophy simply for being the default of a good person. You now have to have something extra that not only sets you above and beyond the mediocre, but must also benefit others at no expense to them.
And you must look good while doing it. Defective people with extraordinary personalities are still defective.
Soon, I won't have to wake up again.
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>>35880379
>Im homeless.
>maybe you should try getting comfy instead?
>Here, feel free to join us
>>
Not a common feel then Yeah?
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