>want to actually kill myself >never tell people to kill

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It's deep thinking. The deeper it is, the higher the chance someone would start thinking about his life seriously.
People who lack that usually say to the suicidal or depressed people to just "get it easy" and "just hang on". To them, life is simple.
To you, it's apparently not.
You might feel stressed in an inescapable situation, thinking "That's it. There's no chance I'm recovering/escaping/changing. I'm going to die".
The thing is, your situation consists of a complex of obstacles.
And you solve them one by one. Start with the first one, then keep working on the next one.
The key thing is to begin.

>>35471510
How about you just fuck off and kill yourself

>>35471337
Also, there's not many ways to commit suicide and look... at least presentable shortly afterwards.
Your head will explode after a gun wound. You will shit and piss yourself if you hang yourself, accompanied with a nasty skin colour, and if you slice your wrists in a bath, you'll be covered in feces and rot long before anyone notices the smell. Poison is not too effective, and there's a high chance you'll vomit it partially, while the rest of it will turn you into a living cucumber.
To me, killing myself is not worth it, but if I ever get tired of life - if you can call that life - I'll plan a killstreak of people who've been mean to me in the past, and I'll get very nasty with my methods until the police catches me.

>>35471550
You wanted an advice or attention, and you got it, if you're OP, of course.
Otherwise, who's feeling edgy today? Did your mom refuse to get you a new videogame?