The character I created. Was not created to love or feel sensitive

Let me be clear.
I only learned to idolize and poorly emulate hardcases.
And feeling sad, trying to process anything deeper than lust, any emotion dependence on anything. Makes me confused.
Angry.
Trying to fathom these thing causes my core directives to malfunction. It makes me think i am trying to destroy myself, and the part that doesnt want to be compromisd wants to destroy what is trying to destroy it.

But it does not have majority vote

Umm... Excuse me?

you have schizophrenia or you might be a little retarded, i'm sorry.

Have you been to a doctor recently?

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>>35311821
>might be a little retarded, i'm sorry.
I doubt its a little.

I take solace thatbI might at least be high functioning

>>35311678
Maybe someone could understand the feeling, but unless you express it clearly they wont be able to understand what feeling you are refering to

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>>35311876
I know.
I FEEL like youre asking this with AT LEAST above 90% seriousness.

Which makes my answer, as nonsensical as it may appear, really important depending on how you look at it.

I am homeles

It shouldnt be funny but the fact the answer is related, is an applicable answer.
Its hilarious.

>>35312062
>but unless you express it clearly they wont be able to understand what feeling you are refering to
But then thats not feelposting.

Its lost its vagueness.
Detail, to personalize it would become a blogpost. No one likes those.

Also too much detail compromises core values of imageboard posting.

For many.

Can you tell us more about this character you created?

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>>35312413
It makes it hard to be here.
When here is all i've got.

But when I remember.
I hate happy colorful anime faces and shit.
I hate the fever pitched hive mind of having the core factor of despair here be the lack of possessive intimacy.
I hate that there were no posts >>35300284 itt that would have done something remotely similar to me

I hate the idea of snowflakes
I hate I cant pretend I am not different
I hate that I am negative different
I hate I have no contemporaries
I hate even if I did I would hate them for most likely becoming a better version of me
I hate being compared to
I hate having nothing to compare to

Ja la haine

I wanted to be a guy that couldn't be broken. I can remember what the template was. Who.

But i got a parasite just when I was becoming a talking person that had to protect himself.

>>35312548
So, the character you created is really who you've become, and you are unsatisfied with this reality?

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>>35312655
>>35312548

>Cant remember
Its mostly because I was told it was weird I existed though constant subliminal suggestioning.

So in order to avoid ridicule I adapted my flaws into a caricature I cannot escape.
It isnt a costume as much as my real self taken to an extreme as an act or joke to make ends meet and cover the blanks.

Stretching an inch of a trait into a cartoonishly proportioned mile.

Dudeman. And it wasall for nothing.
There gets to a point where I explain something that should be trivial.
But it effects everything and makes people feel like awkward clowns at a funeral when they look back on their "advice".

They realize they have no real credibility to help this time. And it sucksfor everyone.
I know it
they kno it

And everyone wants to leave the scene as nonchalantly as possible for having wasted as much time as they did.

I also hate being accurately described with examples I do not like or want to be associAted with.

Being described with things I believe carry negative connotations slight me

It creates an abstract hatred that is more cringe or angry embarrassment than an aimed loathing.

>>35311678
You've been doing this for years, right? Why?

I cant distinguishwhat I like and dont like.
The meme of
>ironically/unironically
Has mutated something in me. My concept of irony has regressed to that of an eight year old.

I have accusative conversations in my head. Maybe this is schizophrenia.
Butthey arent talking conversations.

Just. Realizations.
When I go through the quad-hourly session of socratic method life crisis

Use the devils advocate to go ahead and fix myself for the innumerous nth time that day.

One of these thoughts, the devil I know that knows too much. Says truths I wish it would word differently.

It says It knows I know what life should be. What self imposed purpose I created yet ignore.

It is to share experience through any means necesarry and make friends.

Thats your nindo it says.

I don't even like naruto.
You like the idea.

Thats different I say.
I dont like naruto because I dont want to be associated with the people I dont like.

The same goes for any anime of which the purpose is favorable but the -avoid it.

Lets use your word.

This nindo was created how?
Not through animes. Becayse you dont like them. It goes farther.

Perhaps role playing games. You never seriously played them. you watched them.

>Turn based
>Multifaceted
>Multi charactered
>ragtagged

>adventure
You crave the same things a child does.
You cant assimilate because your idea of happiness is juvenile and impossible.

You constantly have a fantasy of being part of a team with skills that make you unique.
You want to know people deeply and be part of something important.

Like madara.
I dont like naruto fuck off.

You want to have a solid role in something and not have it compromised by issues more complex than the purpose of your role in a team.

You want to be useful. Like a tool in a box.
Like haku.
I'll cut your throat for this faggot shit

The hole was stuffed with mmos.
Regular rpgs did not have "me".

I had to make a me and create a role to advertise.
The virtual world accommodated the longing.
Temporarily.

The other world compromised eveything.
Refused to be shut out.

You must prioritze me andmy rules.
You happiness must be here.

Happiness hinges on something you cannot provide.

>Give friends
>Give me adventure
>
>Give me purpose


Then Ill consider your
>job
>intimacy
>hygiene
>taxes


Fool.
These are your purpose.
You have your mission backwards.

You liw.
Why would I dothese tbings without incentive.
They are useless dreadful things.

I want no part of them

Then you will die.
>
>
>
>
<
>
>
<

:^)

Slowly.
Poor
Hungry
Angry
Alone
And insane.

And still do all or be pressured and coerced into doing that which you dread.

>
>
:^(

>>35311821
This. I think it's both. Otherwise you would be doing none of what you're doing, because you know it benefits no one.

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>>35314150
Yea.
Funny thing.
So I am walking to the soup kitchen.
Pic related. It isn't actually soup but it's quite good.

I had a catcher in the rye moment.
I have one non crusty sock left.
It was a right foot sock.
So being abstractly inventive I did a Russian foot wrap with a pillow case on my LEFT foot.
Which is the worst foot honestly.
It sweats much mote than the right.

Ita annoying and disgusting.
Any way.
Old gentlemen children and women were looking at me strangely.

I looked down to see my wrap was pleb tier.
Top of the pillowcase was flowering out the top of my boot.
Had an awkward chuckling fit about it for a block about.

>>35314361
What do you want and why do you want it?

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>>35314549
Right now I want some socks.
Im getting a good dusk walk out of it so.
Why is not really important though obvious

>>35314751
I was talking about something else
But okay whatever

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>>35313757
You can't just ask the "game master" whoever he is to just give you friends adventure and purpose.
I feel you on that Rpg shit I had the realization of this life just being a big Mmorpg recently.
You don't see the menu, you don't see the stats, the levels and shit but they exist.
I know this sound like the basic chad advice but just stop giving a fuck about everything else and spend all your energy in improving your life conditions.
You have to dodge the fake needs that everyone pretend to have, as long as you can eat, sleep well you are more free than 95% of the people in this world.
Write your thoughts on paper, learn about new stuff.
The road to get out of this melancholia ( I assume you have something like that ) is slow not very rewarding at the start but man trust me it will be worth it.
Like a guy trapped in the desert for day appreciate more a bottle of water, you will appreciate life even more than the chaddest of chad.

>>35314943
Oh.
A role.
One I'm good at.
One I don't hate, one that coordinates with others in a harmonic way

>>35315386
It doesn't seem that way.
Hope you find it, in any case.

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>>35315226
>You have to dodge the fake needs that everyone pretend to have, as long as you can eat, sleep well you are more free than 95% of the people in this world.
>Write your thoughts on paper, learn about new stuff.
>The road to get out of this melancholia ( I assume you have something like that ) is slow not very rewarding at the start but man trust me it will be worth it.

I uh. Tried that.
Didnt work?

>>35315585
That was just subjective examples that worked more or less for me.
The simplified objective version is :
FIND WHAT GIVES YOU DOPAMINE, DO THAT, REPEAT.

A good starter for someone who doesn't know what he wants in life is :
>Physical activity of some any kind
>Better sleep schedule
>Eat smartly

I'm sorry but you'll have to try until you find your way, or just die like that in this dark pit, I mean the beauty is that you can choose to give up too, but be pragmatic about it.
You want your brain to stop giving you the "feels" then work your way around it and force him to give you that fucking dopamine

>>35315440
What does it seem like

I almost killed a man a couple minutes ago

I accidentally walked into the street when cars were coming on a red light .
he followed me.
Distracted on a phone.

He walked because I did.
Right there where the avengers did their thing ? In front of that thing. On park ave
Apooki

>>35315968
You're either trolling, in pain or both.
That's only what it seems like, though.

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>>35316364
I lost the sanity to understand when i'm trolling or not.
I think my very existence is to troll what people believe is logical or possible.
I do believe I have a pain I am both consumed by and so gifted at hiding I forget it is there.
For instance.

I never made the transition into adult hood.
I went from being a child to an absolute mad man.
Please.
If you ask me how, do yourself and me a favor and do not respond with what the line in the script your mind gives you says you should say.
You'll know it if you ask.

Or to be clear, as words can say things that the speaker doesn't mean.

I like to troll what "I" BELIEVE others believe.
I can't know for sure what they think is normal or what isn't.
And I also don't do it consciously or on purpose.

I just am or are or do.
I do something and people are confused.
They say you can't do that, feel that, be that.

I did. Shouldn't I have? Should I not have been able to be or do or have done that?

Fuck, I don't mean to say "I like"
Maybe I do like to realize that people think my behavior is abnormal depending on the context.
But its only after I've realized it.
It never happens in the moment.

>>35316704
Flee from where you are right now.
Go sleep one day or two in a park or go at your grandma's
I get a sense from your way of speaking that you have some kind of derealization, i know too bad, you aren't special, you have a already existing condition.
I had that fucking shit and I don't even know how I got rid of it.

I know I have a 0,00001% chance of convincing you but I don't want to let a brother suffer this shit.
Check DEREALIZATION online, see if that match some of your symptoms because you are hard to decipher boy

You have to take a 180 turn right now, nothing you thought was real and normal is true anymore, just try your hardest to get that shit out of your brain

>>35315949
>FIND WHAT GIVES YOU DOPAMINE, DO THAT, REPEAT
Sometimes I feel numbly warm feel a harmony with everything. And stop being bothered by everythibg for a fraction of a second when I remember I will die one day.

Then the second ends.
I realize my corpse will be seen.
I think about the pain of the cause
I think about hell heaven
An afterlife
More time to think
More time in this mind
More time to do exactlu what im doing now
And I realize if I dont stop exisitng one day something really really bad is going to happhen

>>35316962
I fled 110% twice in my life.
>left my state and went off the grid at 19

>stopped being a bum got my first job couple months after
>worked better part of a year
>told them I needed a day off
>booked q flight to romania and left thr fucking country for a month
>passport pic related

Im currently just uh. Being insane with my life. And trying to find a loophole in existing while I am.
I want to find a person maybe not people I dont hate.
Or maybe I can hate them
I just want to not want to not be a part of something.

I really think I might be insane.
But no one has said so in the real world.
But I never tell anyone anything.
So maybe I am good at hiding it.
High functioning.

Maybe everyone is as off as me.

This game really sucks.
I hate it honestly.

I really might be insane, it SUCKS man.

Its not really as weird as it sounds to KNOW you're insane and not want to be.
Seriously far cry, uh some show I saw on a tv once.

>insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results

Kek
It cant that simple.
Right?
I come on this board every day
Think the same thoughts every day
Look for thr same threads every day

Expecting
Som thing
Diffrent

Freaked me right out of my tree, my son.

>>35316990
You seem anxious about a lot of things.
I will try to rationalize for you this one time but you have to learn to do it by yourself :
>I realize my corpse will be seen
Yeah like when you are alive ?
>I think about the pain of the cause
You won't cause pain, because you are dead, your mom will suffer because she will feel guilty maybe but then again pain is just CHEMICALS

And the afterlife and shit, we have no time to worry about this.
Basically don't waste time on the superfluous, you have only one obligation in this life it's getting better

>>35317228
No nah.
The actual pain man.
Shot
Crushed
Drown
Burn
That pain.

I havent seen my mother, father siblings,
Anyone ive known my entire life in over a year.
I just left.
Walked out the door
Got on a bus to leave for less than 10 dollars to another state.

My death will effect no one.
Its a comfy feel from those who lack thr sand to an hero cause itll hurt someone.

There is no gamble here.

I just feel a little embarrased about being seen as a helpless rotting corpse by strangers.

I haaaate being exposed.
Much less being handled like dead garbage by anyone.

My life is about to get worse a little.
Or maybe just change at the very least.
Maybe it could get better in the way of a new clever way to get money and earn a new shot at killing myself ideally. But it'll get worse before that happens

>>35317137
>>35317215
Oh man now you confirmed it.
I think you have some kind of derealization.
Like most people in this board (me included) you are nevrotic so you are conscious that you are "crazy"

But don't worry it's curable :
>I come on this board every day
>Think the same thoughts every day
>Look for the same threads every day

r9k isn't going anywhere senpai, just take a break, treat yourself something you wanted to do in a long time and just try to relax

>>35317379
>just try to relax
I can't im surrounded by blacks

>>35317373
Do you want to prove yourself that you are a human ?
Go outside naked or in a short.
EXPOSE yourself, take it all in. The feeling of humiliation and shame, truly something exclusive to the human.

>>35317456
Kek of what have I written for you to offer me this crucible?

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>>35317456
Lol srs come back?
Why you'd say this??

>>35317485
I felt that if I had the control of your body I would force you to do that

>>35317605
for your own good of course

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>>35317605
>>35317634

Kinky.
I used to have fantasies like that.
Since myself is kind of a costume and I know how reliant it is on pride.

It would be fun to break it if I didn't you know LIVE in him.

Is that a thing you like to do or something?

>>35317809
Well of course I would like to take control of another human being, just being in a completely other reality, with my brain working in a totally different way. That would be like the craziest drug
But you don't need help, Just let another "character" take control.
Changing personality shouldn't be too hard from where you stand.

>>35317955
>Changing personality shouldn't be too hard from where you stand.
I do it everyday.
Variations, poles of the same visual guy.

Is this sociopathic?

Everytime I go to the soup kitchen, I accelerate the weaker aspects:

>Mumble more
>Become more timid in my mannerisms
>Speak softly
>Use sycophantic politeness

At a store
>Act distracted
>non chalant
>Doesnt really matter what I want
>im a cool normal guy who isnt reliant on your patronage

Kek now that I think about it I might be way way more not okay than I thought.

But what is okay?
Sometimes I want to find out.
Write a book
But its too personal.
I am not inspired enough.

The kekking narcissist inside makes me think my life is odd enough to digest entertaingly by people who don't understand. But can appreciate the absurd contrasts between my scope and theirs.

Hell, maybe someone does understand. And its good enough to make somone shoot a another person.

>>35318085

>Is this sociopathic?
Is people pretending to be happy sociopathic ?
Is the bride wanting everyone in line, dressed the same and smiling for the picture sociopathic ?
Is people acting differently to be accepted by the group sociopathic ?
Is wanting to look good sociopathic ?

I just think you found a pretty interesting game to kill the boredom of this simple : I am this character I will act like this all my life.

It's like I'm seeing a child who is terrified of playing this society game, but you don't have to man.
Like I said earlier the only thing you have to do is get better.
Even if you are the worst inhumane sociopath you don't have the luxury to care about what other will think of you.

I'll go to sleep now, find your way or I'll control your body and put you in embarassing positions

>>35318317
>>35318317
Burn.

Make sure you pull up on the scrote after you pee.
There is more pee.
You must also squat on the toilet seat to shit successfully.

Theres more but you'll figure it out.
Its a little beat up but at least it isnt fat.