>keep forgetting I hate myself >can't remember why

Just stop feeling guilty. You control these feelings.

You can only make one thread every 10 minutes if you aren't clever or motivated enough to bypass it.

If you try before 10 minutes you get the stop posting message.
I hate accidentally pressing return instead of back, as the post is lost. And sometimes you forget what your thread was or why you wanted to post.

Then you feel angry maybe and cold all over like somoeone you trust has yelled in your face.

The feeling of the hate reminder is like having done something you know was wrong. But knowing is to much to know. So your mind deletes it and truncates the mental gymnastics into correcting the anomaly by inserting the contempt instead of guilt

>>35228067
We are here to talk. We talk and say what feels important.
What feels accurate.
What feels correct.

We can only know so much.
We can only be so correct and accurate without knowing anything about each other.

Anonymity is the staple of imageboard culture.
But anonymity commonly negates any worthwhile conversation.

Credibility is either removed or never existed.
It cannot be added here

I keep forgetting also I can post.
No one has to read it.
But no one has a weapon to my head telling me I cannot.

It isn't a right by any means, and is in someways a privilege that can be revoked.

I don't express anymore.
I feel guilty for doing so even here.
But this is my thread and people can look at it and feel annoyed as it is nonsense here. But all they can be is that.

Annoyed.
Though for reasons I believe I understand but cannot articulate.

I don't like communication without purpose.
And I think the need to communicate is a need I am above.
But I am not.

I can't communicate ideally.
I shouldn't say properly or correctly.
Just ideally.

I can't tell anyone what really matters as it would ruin my life what's left of what is called my life, more.

I keep looping my purpose around in my head.
Just me.
No outside distractions or obligations.

What do I want?
I try to harden my focus on this question and not let it feel selfish in nature.
No yes or no questions.

I keep forgetting I exist, and I cannot change that fact at present.

I try and count up the pros and cons of my existence.
The things I am responsible for, what I am expected to do with my life.

How much of it is fixable? How is it broken? What is influencing it?

If I must exist.
How do I exist ideally?
How can I?

What do I want?

I think I want to be happy.
Everyone does.

That simple fact is washed away like forgetting you do not have to think to blink or breathe until you cannot.

Do we forget we want to be happy until we are not?

Is happiness a dynamic emotion?
Do we expand or contract or idea of happiness to what we believe we can achieve? What we deserve?

I cannot think of anything that makes me happy that is not material.

That requires outside entities.

Without these entites, when Its just me.

It is even harder to understand what I can do to make me happy.

Nothing inside is enough.

Take myself cast in nothing. The white visible abstract nothing.
Not dark nothing.

As much as I hate it I think perhaps my first thought would be masturbating.
A thought.
Depending on what is with me which is presumed nothing.
I would do just that.
Nothing.

As while reluctant to admit much of the sexual urges I have are from routine not instinct. And with nothing to further that routine it will lose foothold in the hierarchy of my actions.

Maybe some form of calisthenics would be next.

I can't imagine in detail where that would lead.

I cannot follow through on a task I myself ordained. Even with this "post".

This has little to do with what I want or what makes me happy.

Though it paints an example of how I cannot find purpose in my actions ultimately whether another or I myself am the master of them

I could never talk to a professional.

My life is a zero sum of anger and madness. A thought I create while tears well on my eyes and bite a chuckle at a dichotomy I struggle to convince myself to believe exists.

I don't want anything.
But I don't know, or don't understand whether that is because I do not know what I want or do not believe I deserve it.

I don't know if I want something people have told me I should want or if don't deserve what I believe I think I want uninflunced by others.

I want to be happy.
I know what I do not want.
I do not want what I don't understand but am told I should.
What I should embrace.

I don't want to labor*
*work, love, talk, pretend, eat, comfort, bathe, urinate, lust, walk, freeze, sweat, pay, think, congratulate, lose, win, compete, dress, avoid, injure, hope, remember, drink, fear, disdain, exist
Is it because I am unhappy?

If I were happy would those things cease to be in my way?

Nothing makes me happy because they exist.

Something is wrong

I think you should go should go to the hospital or something anon. You don't seem well.

How much of your story is you.
How you feel without the experience that causes it.
Without detail.

Is it possible to describe?

There is a wall that cannot be breached when reached you loop back around.
Is it the obverse of a different wall?

Is there a space of importance between the walls that has no clearance to be accessed, or is it the same wall

Are you just saying words minimally with minimal hope of response?

Or are you saying few words with meaning with a purpose?

>>35229104
People do that a lot here.
They say things they believe are meant to be said.
But do not really mean much outside the effort to have written it.
Like correcting a puzzle you know the answer to and solve it because it pesters you to look at.
Though you know it is rude perhaps to have touched something without figuring out why it was there.

>>35229201
What purpose does a puzzle have other than to be solved?

I do it too.
Much of my trouble is understanding and being aware when that "teleprompter" in the mind is blank.
And stays blank until it just is not without warning.

Ignoring it when it is reading something is perhaps even worse.

>>35229253
In my case if you understand you can't solve it.
You have two options.

>vaguely suggest you have while narrowly avoiding proof you have not
>pretend not to care with enough public view to exhbit humility that you have not, while making others believe you may still better yourself to try again but it does not take hold of your life

Both are equally ruinous.
You cannot ignore the puzzle

>>35229340
>In my case if you understand you can't solve it.

Could you ask someone else to help find the solution?

>>35229369
If it meant that much to me I don't see why not.
But doing something.
Solving something tends to "further" than choosing not to solve.

>>35229410
Further what?

File: 1463668206059.gif (2MB, 274x298px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 274x298px

>>35227960
Nigga just how high are you? You have been posting in this thread, nearly by yourself, for like 1.5 hours.

send suma dat shit my way senpai[spoiler/]

>>35229483
I'm pretty sure he's having a psychotic episode.

To speak with a professional, to seek help.

Is illogical.
They don't have medicine for the mind, just the body.
And a mind cannot help a mind that does not share a co related goal or interest.

Is it simpler to imagine comparing minds in two dimensions or three?
Unhappy and happy are yaw, depth. Perhaps.
A negative mind is an unhappy mind.

What could be found on x?
A sane mind? And an insane mind.

>>35229483
I can't find the term.
Not sure it exists either.

We are "furthering" a conversation.
You eat you're "furthering" your life by some extent by actively avoiding starvation.

>>35229485
>>35229508
These guys are "furthering" the suspicion I have I am incapable of "furthering" without remembering my neutral state is compromised.

Life makes makes you, takes you "further" in everything you do.

Try and stop it and see what I mean. It doesn't matter what you do. Time is part of it. But not the source.

How long can you stay completely still before you must move?
To eat?
To wash?
To work?

If it doesn't tire you.
If the dread of knowing you have to do something.
Always and forever.
If that doesn't make sense to you.
I'm not sure how to explain what "furthering". Is to you without being called insane or high or having a psychotic episode.

It's a fairly simple concept.
Take away the "he's crazy" for a second.

This isnt something isolated just to my mind, be it ill and tainted or not.

You must do something eventually.
And when you want to stop or talk about why, tell me how it feels when thr "oh THAT" moment comes.

>>35229509
So youre caught in a double bind of sorts? You want to stop "furthering" but your desire to do so ultimately leads you to "further" yourself and thus make things worse? Am I understanding correctly?

In maybe 8 hours or so I will be told to move.
I will have to dress and go somewhere will I won't be asked to move until I grow tired enough to want to sleep.

Long before that, the position I am sitting in will become uncomfortable to be in, whether I become tired before or as a result of that isn't clear yet. But I cannot sit here without something influencing me to move against my will to stay.

Even if none of those factors effect me by some chance, I will have to eat or face starvation and the pain accompanying it.

Is this making sense?
I dread this.

I hate myself.
I have a droopy eye. I have a weak chin. I am skinnyfat. No muscles. Starting to get manboobs. My hair can never be styled. A lot of acne, on my back and shoulders that never go away. I have a Neanderthal eyebrow line. A Jew nose. Can't grow facial hair because for some reason none grows in the middle. I have no sense of style whatsoever. I wear the same thing almost every day. I wear winter clothes when it's hot outside because I want to feel secure and comfortable in my bulky clothes.

My personality is even worse. I'm a pathological liar, and I'm pretty sure I'm cognitively dissonant. I have two different lives. I have this one persona, my favorite one, where I'm everything I want to be. I pretend I'm from some obscure European country so I have a fake accent just so people would think I'm interesting and sophisticated. I don't even know what it is, Icelandic or Irish maybe? German? IDK
But a couple years ago I've created this person and would write stories about him, as an escape from reality (because in reality I'm a boring piece of shit). Somehow I started to become this person, and I was really happy. I made so many friends because people thought I was really mysterious and interesting. I've lied so much that I lost track of my bullshit and people began to notice. Then I had zero friends.
When I moved to the city, I thought I could live completely as this person since it was a clean slate and nobody knew me. I made a friend, but today the bullshit caught up and now I'm friendless again. It's only been 2 months.
I try to hide the real me as much as possible. I never look directly at my student ID because it shows my real name and that shatters my fantasy world. Sounds weird but it's true.
The real me is someone who has been brought up with both parents, upper middle class in a mostly white suburbs, military family. Everything in life has been given to me.

>>35229744
My desire to do anything has no influnce.
I desire to do nothing.

Very few are allowed some form of this luxury.
Worse is a matter of perspective. A decline in the opinion or perception of something.

Let's say furthering is existing. Maybe it was some small detail forcing me not to make the connection in the meanings.

You can't just stop existing. And does existing make existing worse?
I'm not too crazy to kek. That seems like a line written by Eric Andre in an Xavier Renegade Angel episode.

It's so redundant that it is useless to fathom. No offense. I am sorry I'm dissatisfied with this

>>35229857
>I wear winter clothes when it's hot outside because I want to feel secure and comfortable in my bulky clothes.
There isn't much else I can relate to in your post.

I don't effect enough things to compare

It doesn't make me feel comfortable because I sweat.
But I am secure in my upperbody form. As I don't think it reveals much of how small my frame is.

The cuffs of my pants seem too big and loose sometimes

This thread is beautiful. I can relate to every post on some level. I think we are ultimately trapped in a neurosis so deep and unescapable that we will continue to wallow in it and run from purpose to purposeless to pondering to passive to purile until we die. have a good night op

Some programming cannot be ignored
Human instincts not physical but mental, subconsciously.

If everything was stripped away from you. Your body and your possessions.

And you were alone.
Not quite a vapor.
There but nothing.
But conscious.

What is your first need?
Things?
Company?
A task?

Are they all things?
Are they all tasks?
Could a thing and a task be company?


What do we expect from company?
Do we expect them to understand us?
To value us?
Do we value their understanding of what we are more than if we understood them?

What if they are too different for us to value without bias.
They are the only company.
Do we disdain them.
What if they are not the only company?
Do we avoid them?

Why think when you're mocked for it by others, when they are for all purposes the only others

Why think if you cannot think clearly

Your story is not worth telling when there are so many others and so few interested.

Your credibility weighs on a thread by the details the observer dislikes. Even you believe it exists in excess and would omit details. This compromises any worthwhile reason to share. As it becomes a fiction.

Our stories are only valuable if removed from our minds and presented without bias with surgical precision.

What would make me happy is if I didn't dislike existing.
Even if I could get over the fact existing is what bothers me.

I have to worry about the finite power of my will.
There are things that "taste" bad to my mind.
I have to live after being okay with existing.
I don't want life to include letting others control my life. But my will and intelligence to change that are lacking.

Ideally if I were okay with existing, perhaps I could make friends.
The hole would be gone and wouldn't take precedent as the most important directive in my life.

But what else do I have to look forward to but being upset at existing?.

Square one.

>>35230400
>get friends
>hobby?
>games/body improvement/schooling
>money
>job
>boss/ tired/ issues /orders
<square one

>get friends
>friends start not to like me
<square one

>square one
<<<<right now

>military
>do this/go here/ lift this/ climb / how much,far/ 100km run /shave wake up 0400/ lt.,sgt, said/
>no
>[yelling]
>jail/hospital/psychward

<<<<<rhombus -8

You reached the end but no one believes you.

>>35230570
I hope you become happy anon. Give it time. Existence may not be as bad as you think.