Was there ever a point in your life where you could just tell

When I was 20 and realized I just wanted to die.

I have too much shame to kill myself while my parents are alive though. They have provided me with everything a normal person would need to succeed.

>Gave me love and attention
>maybe a little too smothering with being a helicopter parent, but not enough to ruin someone's life
>wealthy enough (125,000+/year) to provide without having to save or sacrifice
>since in Michigan in 90s, pay for MET which pays for my whole tuition, so no student loans, no debt
>support me with any action I choose, pay for any interest I have, paying for supplies and lessons.

If I was normal, I could succeed and live happily, but I have no drive, no desire. I lie and pretend to have ambitions in a field they approve (finance) and am in college, but don't care or want to.

After all they have done for me, I feel awful if I let them down, so I pretend to want a career, want a job, and plan to live a lie until they die. My purpose is to make them feel like they have succeeded and live the rest of their lives without regret or feeling like they have failed.

Afterwards, I plan to kill myself and end it all.

>>34975246
I shouldn't have made this thread. This post is too hauntingly similar to my own situation. Fuck me. Is it something inherent to a person that leaves them with no drive or is it truly a lack of willpower to find one?

>>34975246
>>34975333
have either of you ever considered that you have no will to live or drive to succeed BECAUSE you're living your life for someone else? OP didn't get into the details but it sounds like you're living for your parents' ambitions. i know you say that you're doing it because you just want to kill yourself but is it really true that there is nothing in the world that you would want to do if you could choose anything at all?

>>34975431
OP here, it really comes down to a lack of understanding of my own merits and general confusion of what a person's life is even supposed to be. I'm completely underdeveloped when it comes to any sort of life achievements and can't see myself catching up anytime soon, so the idea of knowing what I should want out of my life is foreign and alien to me. My parents serve as the only constant reminder as to why I continue to trudge through life, not my own desires.

>>34975246
My family did the same and that's pretty much what ruined me as I was raised inside a bubble believing the world to be something it isn't.

>>34975333
>>34975555
Also these delicious trips and quads made this thread worth posting for me.

>>34975555
>a lack of understanding of my own merits and general confusion of what a person's life is even supposed to be.
>so the idea of knowing what I should want out of my life is foreign and alien to me
do you think there is any way for you to figure this out without comparing yourself to other people or looking to your parents for guidance?

>I'm completely underdeveloped when it comes to any sort of life achievements
in what way?

>>34975333
>>34975431

honestly,all I want in life is for something to happen so I can feel like I have made a contribution to society

I wish for something like WWII or the Cold War.
Something that lets me know I have contributed to the greater good, to society.

Not something in the limelight, not something anyone will notice, but a background job, just giving me the satisfaction that the work I have done has helped a group get closer or achieve something important.

If I was alive in the 1940s, I would want to be someone working in the assembly plant, producing war supplies, content that my work would allow someone else achieve a victory and propel our country to greater heights.

I realized life was going to be a serious uphill battle as soon as I turned 18 because I had a major psychotic breakdown and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, I hung in there until about 25 wagecucking and even getting a degree but I've totally given up and dropped out of society since then, I'm 30 now.

>>34975604
>do you think there is any way for you to figure this out without comparing yourself to other people or looking to your parents for guidance?

How am I supposed to do this when I have nothing to go off of? I have no fucking clue what I want.

>in what way?

I have a driver's license and graduated from highschool. That's it. Never had a girlfriend, sex, went to a party, had a job, and the list goes on and on. Shit sucks.

>>34975065
at 16
>haha just go to club
>LOL DANCE BRO SHAKE DEM BITCHES BOOTY
>5 nights in a row of going to such clubs, couldnt get any friends despite having Chad cousin on my side

>8/10 girl actually keeps hitting on me but i keep dropping spaghetti non stop
>come back home out of shame
>in the next day, walk near her as i talk with some friends but i dont recognize her at first
>she fucking shouts and hurls some insults because i didnt say "hi" to her

this same thing repeated a couple more times until i was 19, been a recluse since then. there were no batshit crazy femishits around here at the time so i can't complain about still being a virgin...

>>34975655
I'm somewhat the opposite of this. I just want to get the fuck away from people. If I could find a career with minimal people-networking to maintain it'd be great, something like an airforce pilot. It doesn't matter to me if I'm actually helping out or not in doing my job as long as I get to do it in peace.

>>34975655
How about helping out in a farm? Anyone can learn it and you help your country eat.

>>34975655
>Something that lets me know I have contributed to the greater good, to society.
this is a good place to start. you want to know that what you do matters in making society a better place.

>I wish for something like WWII or the Cold War.
you can't control things like this so it's better not to fantasize if you want to take action. there are ways to contribute in a humble way without needing the country to be at war. you can still identify problems in society that are real and work toward a career in a field that attempts to address those problems. have you spent much time thinking about how to go about getting what you want out of your life with the world existing as it currently does?

>>34975682
>How am I supposed to do this when I have nothing to go off of?
a few people know what they're doing but most people don't have anything to go off of when they're starting out. it's not an easy thing to do and lots of people don't think much about it before they jump into some career path that they later change or end up regretting.

>I have no fucking clue what I want.
you have nothing that interests you or makes you feel good when you engage in it? it doesn't have to be a field. it could be an abstract idea, like the other guy wanting to contribute to the greater good in society. there's nothing at all that you want in life?

>I have a driver's license and graduated from highschool. That's it.
one way to find out what you might be interested in could be to take some intro courses in college. you might be exposed to ideas that expand your point of view or problems begging for solutions that you didn't even know existed.

or you could try to closely examine yourself, your life, your reactions and figure out what makes you feel good and what doesn't. then try to imagine a future that would satisfy your nature and start researching what it would take to get there.

>>34975877

unfortunately, I feel the overwhelming need to live up to my parent's expectations and working on a farm doesn't meet it. They have a college degree required job or it's a shit job mentality that I feel the need to live up to, so I must acquiesce. It's not right or healthy or what I want, but it's what i feel l must do, even if I don not want to.

>>34975996

What I want out of life is to die, but this is overwhelmed by guilt of hurting my parents. I do not fantasize about something like a war happening, I was just explaining what an ideal situation for me would be where I could feel useful and not feel the guilt of disappointing my parents. I play the cards I am dealt, and act accordingly.

>>34975996
Like I said in >>34975804, I want something that allows me to do my job in a professional manner away from people. Other than that, I have nothing else I want career-wise. Anything that I could have any interest in is curbed by the inability to want and actually be able to communicate with others. It would be a huge steppingstone to outright skip talking to people and get right to doing what I enjoy.

>>34976074
>It's not right or healthy or what I want, but it's what i feel l must do, even if I don not want to.
choosing your life based on what your parents want from you is a terrible idea. it's not a surprise that you want to die. you can assume that your parents will be disappointed and maybe you're right but is it really better to want death when you have perfectly reasonable aspirations? if you were honest with your parents, maybe they would understand. and even if they didn't understand at first, maybe they would understand if they saw you living a fulfilling life that satisfied your needs instead of theirs. parents are supposed to let their children go at some point and let them make their own choices. it would be selfish of them to guilt you into something that makes you feel so empty you would rather die, if that's what they are doing.

>I want something that allows me to do my job in a professional manner away from people. Other than that, I have nothing else I want career-wise. Anything that I could have any interest in is curbed by the inability to want and actually be able to communicate with others. It would be a huge steppingstone to outright skip talking to people and get right to doing what I enjoy.
there will probably be some need for communication with coworkers or supervisors in 95% of jobs but i'm sure there are jobs that keep you away from the general public completely and jobs that allow for a lot of solitary work time. have you researched this at all?

airforce pilot would require you to be in the military so it doesn't sound ideal for what you want but i just did a quick google search on the subject and there are a bunch of suggestions for jobs which you can do more research into.
http://personalityclub.com/blog/twenty-high-paying-jobs-for-introverts/
https://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/jobs-for-loners
http://www.careercast.com/jobs-rated/best-jobs-introverts

>>34975065

When I realized I was past adolescence and my body was still thin, narrow, and feminine, that I was never going to really develop masculine traits, probably because my growth was stunted from fucked up nutrition/hormone levels, and that I would never be attractive to women.
When I realized that I was too mentally slow to handle any work in college that would enable me to get a decent career.
There's no way to come to terms with it really. If it was possible to come to terms with it, I wouldn't have cared in the first place.