>send job applications >they just called me >hello I

>>34890901
Just say you were in a coma after a skiing accident with your friends

File: 1444911899456.jpg (133KB, 780x818px) Image search: [Google]

133KB, 780x818px

>>34890901
>>to be honest I did nothing

>>34890901
Just lie. It's not like they check these things

>>34890919

I have no legs and it will sound suspicious.

>>34890924

Hiring manager here.
Can confirm. Everything we use to base our hiring decisions on is what you put on your resume and the interview itself used to validate your knowledge of said resume.

>>34890932
Post stumps. NOW

>>34890932
can't you complain about the Americans With Disabilities Act until somebody gives you a job?

>>34890932
But also if you panhandle everybody will probably just assume you're a vet and give you mondo money out of their own shame.

>>34890901
That's it with losers, they can't like and make up shit to cover for their shortcomings like the rest of us.

>>34890932
oh :(

oregeaneoa

What are some god tier lies I can tell them that are uncheckable and where I can easily learn some details to convince them?

>>34891052
Tell them you lost your legs and have been recovering for 5 years

File: 76754417_XS.jpg (15KB, 400x266px) Image search: [Google]

15KB, 400x266px

>>34891047
>>34890981
>>34890954

I'm not that guy, it was meant to be a surreal joke. I can't handle the pressure now.

>>34891059
Removing a leg to get NEET bucks already sounds retarded but removing a leg to get a job takes the cake.

>>34891052
If you want to lie effectively, don't give too many details unless they ask or lead the conversation there.

>>34891073
Cut your legs off and post them here

File: 1487026147472.png (90KB, 250x224px) Image search: [Google]

90KB, 250x224px

>>34891073
I guess your fingers typed a post your mouth can't cash.

File: IMG_20161217_170035.jpg (1MB, 2952x5248px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 2952x5248px

>>34891090
Not really. I cut off my fingers for NEET bux

File: 1485956573688.gif (120KB, 497x372px) Image search: [Google]

120KB, 497x372px

>>34891052
Ok imma help u out big time so listen up!
You must have at least 1 family member or 1 (friend?)
>put down friend/family members phone number on application.
>say u worked at a family run buissness for 5 years as manager
>they call number ur mom answers and tells them that ur a good boy
Boombamfillazimzam
But desu i doubt u could hold a job but GL

>>34891149
Well I think I'm gonna do that if I fail the interview I have next week with the next bunch of job pplications. Literally fuck the entire system, I played honest with my first 4 but if I don't get anything back I will lie trough my teeth to get a fucking job.

>>34891119
What the fucking
Originally original

>>34891119

Those tiles are sexy and erection giving

>>34891119
I can also get that effect if I bend my fingers

>>34891196
Ive been there man it sucks balls not even getting the dumb walmart/kmart jobs. You have to stop telling the truth also, no misaki is going to come save you because you told the truth

What type of work r u applying for an what general area do u live in?

>>34891291
I'm applying for an apprenticeship as a cook in germany. Honestly, I'm glad I got exposed in a phone call and not in an interview. Now that I know for a fact that I need to lie, that other people and my experience have confirmed there is no other way, I feel like I'm pretty happy about this phone call I just got and the lesson it teached me.

how about last decade?

>>34890901
You helped poor orphans in Africa, of course. Why, you can send a letter to the Bmutuwantu orphanhage in Mghbaleeza, Ghana and check for yourself.

>>34891052
Find a business that has recently gone out of business and say that you worked there. No one will bother to look up if you actually worked there or not.

File: 1472013468534.jpg (23KB, 500x375px) Image search: [Google]

23KB, 500x375px

I don't even send in applications anymore because I'm so ashamed of having no experience. There's no way someone would want to hire me.

>>34891052
>>34892053
You can also find some (preferably defunct) university in China, then give them their number. Get a sim card with cheap international rates and make sure they don't speak english first to be 100% sure. Learn a few basic Chinese words too, the recruiter probably won't speak Chinese so they can't know, and if they do you just claim your classes were in English.

>this thread
OP you are an autist of the highest caliber. Just take a nap, man. Just go home.

>>34892149
At least explain yourself if you're going to be so negative about it.

>>34892085
Ive done this. It is your beat option. Theres a million lies you could tell tho. Learn about AA and tell them youre a recovering alcoholic who just did 6 months in rehab. Say you were in school. Do what the link above says. Say you were caring for your mother/father while they died. Just whatever you do, don't tell the pathetic truth. Virtually everyone who has had 10 or more jobs has lied on their resume at some point.

>>34891052
Just tell them you had some savings and were trying to get your music career off the ground.

>>34892117
actually was thinking about this for a couple of weeks

So in theory this would work?
>make some bullshit University (based in like China or something) or find one (even better)
>set up another organization that gives "accreditation" (Also make/setup)
>hire a really cheap call center
>make fancy website
>Give myself and maybe others an "awards" "scholarships" and "degree"
>gain basic skills you would have learned in class instead online for free
>put on resume and like you said learn a little bit of Mandarin
>get a shit ton of Linked In connections and endorsements for like $12 online
>put experience from some bankrupt company
>apply to businesses that really only care if you have a degree or not
>throw funds that would have been used on college in a diversified portfolio
>profit, save thousands of dollars and save countless hours of class work
Anything I'm forgetting?

>>34892106
how old are you? why not join military?

>>34892597
What do you need the accreditation stuff for? What do you need the LinkedIn stuff for? Just claim you went to a university somewhere where people don't speak English (China), then did either volunteer work or worked in the country where you "studied". Find some Chinese company, or make one up (not your fault they don't have a website)
The more complicated, the more expensive it gets, and it can break horribly. Keep it simple. The thing about claiming you've done all the stuff in China is they don't have LinkedIn or so there, and nobody speaks Chinese. So any problems can be explained by mentioning how "international" you are.

>>34892845
yeah your right thanks!

>>34892845
What if they ask you to speak chinese

>>34893081
All the classes were in english. Or just learn ~100 words and string them together, hope nobody notices. All you really need to know is something like "Yes, I speak Chinese very good".

File: dwight-schrute.jpg (34KB, 500x486px) Image search: [Google]

34KB, 500x486px

OP you have to lie, there's no way around it. Lies make the world go round.

Do you know how many companies lie and exaggerate in their job posting? Pretty much every non-blue collar job posting is filled with lies and massive exaggerations.

I went to one job interview a few months back, the job description said it was a marketing job, it was really a door-to-door 100% commission sales job. No where in the job description did it mention door-to-door sales. I walked out right there and then.

Once in a while some HR ditz talk will down to us peons : " You left your last job in April and not June, You lied on your Resume!" yeah no shit I lied and you lied in your job description, you lied about the supposed work-life balance, the benefits, etc.

Every job description is filled with technical buzzwords 6 different programming languages, then when you get the job you're doing the most mundane, tedious bullshit and basically trying to fix someone else's mistakes.

>>34890901
Say
>I was in college/university (for advanced degree if you already have a regular one)
>Had to drop out because [family member] got sick of cancer
>Cared for them for 2 years
>They dies
>So tragic

You will get 500x pity from the hiring person, and it's a valid explanation why you didn't work for 5 years.

Why is lying so hard for people on this board????

>>34894388
I imagine because lying has a sense of risk to it and people on this board rather keep the status quo instead getting involved with any kind of risk.