Can you guys give me feedback on the lyrics I've written?

>>34879712
I hate the content of it

>>34879743
Why? How can I improve it?

Please give me feedback guys, I wrote this with our board in mind

>>34879712
first three parta were shitty OP

>>34880240
How can I make it better? Was the rest ok?

Post vocaroo it's the only way to really tell

>>34880388
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0n10S0oH3n5

Here, also checked

>>34880274
the first three had poor rhyme and just seemed boring. the rest wasnt bad.

>>34879712
the rhymes are either nonexistent or too predictable/lame

>>34880513
Yes that's a fair point. I was trying to be blunt in this one but maybe I overdid it. Did you hear the vocaroo? How do you like the musical part of the song?

It's very nice desu

Orodkginal

Oh, and I really like the guitar part. You're very talented, anon.

>>34880536
Can you suggest some alternatives? I'll credit you as anonymous :^)

>>34880557
Thank you anon, what do you like about it?

>>34879712
You just made a list of things you do. Try turning it into a story. Give it a narrative.

Here's my piece of crap that I just made; I've made stuff with actual effort, but this is total garbage and I''m not in the mood to make it decent.


I stay calm, my verbs spray nerds like napalm
I'm more feral than Will, it's apparent - Hey Mom
I've a hardened heart, my thoughts are darker than a silhouette
I'm sending you the illest synonyms you've ever read on the internet
When you listen, the sin will enter in ya, metaphors sorta like Virginia Tech
If you sympathize with the lives of women and children, I have to question your intellect
I just had a bizarre wank - Fairy Char dropped topless in a shark tank
Haven't eaten nothin but onions in 3 weeks
I need payment for my lame rap game, no free speech
Call me bitter, but that's misplaced, cause you ain't taste me
I adore whores; call me a bigger John than Wayne Gacy

>>34880688
Ok I will try to. Thanks for your input.

>>34880550
the starts sounds better when its in the song rather than me just reading it.
musical part is nice fampire. sounds quite depressing which isnt bad. hard to hear the vocals though

>>34880823
Thanks a lot!
Yes it was 2 amped electrics and me singing unamplified so the words are hard to make out

>>34880614
Depends if you think I'm not dog shit, I don't want to suggest improvements for yours if I suck.
Here's a sample I just wrote while it's still Valentine's Day. The longer I stare at it, the worse it looks.

chicks post their pics on Valentine's
like 'have a great day, here's Chad's and mine'
way too saccharine, I get mad at them all the time
so okay, love may not fit me like OJ's glove
can't scrub away the pain, and my liquor's thicker than Olay, Dove
girls are germaphobic, on their aerobics, they run away from hugs
the counsellors ain't felt an ounce of it, they just say some stuff,
pretend to listen, pen prescriptions, then go 'pay up!'

>>34881668
There are some okay standalone verses but you need to make the syllables line up, there's too big of a gap for it to be able to flow off the tongue

>>34881902
Thanks. I wrote most of it in 10 minutes and it seemed to flow decently, then I kept adding shit and now the whole thing sounds awkward. Also, I forgot to put a space after the third line.

>>34880240
This, also


No space for 3d passions
In this room
Pretend girlfriends
And Japanese cartoons

doesnt rhyme too well, but the others one are good enough

>>34881993
Yeah if you clean it up there's some good material in there

>>34882010
Ok thanks man I'll make some changes