I'm going to tell you my dream and then I need your help

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338KB, 760x445px

I feel worthless, and I feel like I need this dream in order to prove to myself that I'm not a piece of shit. Deep down I just feel unlovable -- very poor self esteem throughout my entire life up to this day.

I feel like it's good that I now have something to work towards, and that things are different now in that the problems that held me back now are not so overwhelming. The residual continuance of the way that I've lived my life is my horrible self-esteem which has essentially defined my existence.
This was the most obvious dream I've ever had, or at least I'm at my most capable or lucid at understanding myself. I remember I had a dream with a similar feeling when I was a very young child: my family was on a bus driving away from me, and I was left behind. In fact, it's the exact same sadness.

When I say this thing has defined my existence I mean really defined it: I've been running from it all this time. Into drugs, into whimsical fancies.. I've been "shy", I've needed approval DESPERATELY from others, never good enough on my own, never good enough to stand on my own two feet. I had given up on my life for so long. I was just thinking today how I was different others in the life that I had had. I've spent so many years dealing with differently the deeply ingrained belief that I had, namely that I would eventually "kill myself before I was 30", and for that matter how I likewise compare to others in all aspects of life. So many years ruminating on these things over and over. My life was truly a living hell.

So many challenges that I ran away from because I was scared. I ain't no fuckin' man. I can't talk to people, especially to girls. I needed booze, drugs, failing that, something else to keep me afloat, when really I was missing the one thing that would have made interaction and a good life possible -- the belief in myself and from that the will to live. I spent my years either not only actively being ridiculed and scorned, but constantly fearing it, and hating myself for it. I could go on for day. It's impossible to tell you the pure devastation that my life was. It's impossible to express the deathly momentum that my life had, and how helpless I was. I lived with the inevitability that I would eventually buy a gun and shoot myself in the mouth with it.

But I know things can change now. In fact everything in my life has oriented itself to this end. Who would have thought that I would come to believe in God?

I know that I need to do this thing that I have in mind, but I also don't want this thing to be my psychological or otherwise life-anchor -- the thing that I use to justify my existence. I want to be okay as I am, but have this really cool thing that I want be something that is a choice, and not a NEED that I use to compensate for my lack of wholeness as a person. You know? It's so obvious that I need to do this, or I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Apologies for typos -- I just woke up, and I've only slept for a little bit these past few days.

This is the #1 thing problem I have right now. How do I heal myself?

TLDR
I cry to Gurren Lagann every damn time.

I read what you wrote but have no advice. Sorry.

>>34698880
That's alright. Thanks for reading.

Who the fuck is Mango

Are you Mango

Is Mango a metaphor

>>34699489
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Bk46ac6JG8

vidya game player

>>34699489
You can't have-a the Mango.

Wow someone actually posted this before..possibly me