How do you wipe your ass? Please explain your technique

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>>34672243
By showering after i take a shit

I just use nearly half a TP roll and wipe until it's yellow, but not TOO yellow.

>>34672406
What the fuck do you mean by this?

>>34672243
I lower my bottoms enough for the faucet thing to hit it. Then i slowly increase the flow of the faucet till my asshole hurts a bit. Then i just pull up and leave.

>lift my dick
>massage my bumhole til it's not brown anymore
>massage it some more :^)

>>34672406
>>34672837
>>34672875

S-Serious answers only please

>>34672243
I get in the shower and I turn it to as high heat as possible, I then shit onto the drain, then proceed to wafflestomp it down using the force of my feet and the heat of the water. No wipe needed.

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>>34672243
The only real way to wipe your ass is through the pull wipe method.

>>34672939
I've considered installing a garbage disposal as my shower drain; then I wouldn't need anything else in the bathroom.

>>34672243
Roll tp around my hand 3x, wipe, if not too much poo I told the tp and use the clean side to wipe again. If there's still muck on the tp I get some more and wipe again. A clean butthole isn't an itchy butthole

>>34672977
Holy fuck that's genius. Do dishes at the same time. Alternatively it's a quick drain for the tub. Patent and sell that. There's absolutely no way it could go wrong.

I start out by holding it in as long as physically possible. I can go almost 3 full days if I don't eat too much. I make sure to eat lots of fiber to get my stool properly prepared.

As soon as I'm almost ready to blow, I run and grab my bottle of lube from my room. I run to the bathroom and get on my back. I lift my legs up and reach over and grab my lube. I pour a huge glob on my hand and spread it around my asshole.

As soon as it's ready, I stand back up and squat on top of the toilet seat. This is done to achieve the maximum hole diameter.

I take a deep breath and count to 3, and then with a mighty heave, I squeeze my ass and scream a grunt of relief as my posterior projectile slams into the smooth clear water below.

The satisfying splash of water from the impact is all I need to clean my ass. The lubricant leaves me with a superior squeaky clean sensation like none other.

I later record my experience in my diary reserved exclusively for this, which I call the "Log Log". This concludes the ordeal.

If the shit's too liquid or too solid, I just wipe with toilet paper. I roll 3 times on my hand, wipe, fold it and wipe again, up to two times depending on how messy it is, so I don't waste but it doesn't get disgusting. Repeat until the paper comes off clean after wiping.

However, if shit's consistency is solidus someway in the middle it always take too much time and paper to get it clean. So I use a state-of-the-art piece of sublimated human ingenuity called "bidet", to gently wash my anus with a water stream and some soap, then proceed to wipe it dry with a bit of tp or a towel. Lemme tell ya fellas, it's mind-blowing.

>>34672243
>wipe normally
>ass is finally clean
>get another piece of toilet paper, wet it with water a bit and wipe again
>then wipe with normal paper again

is that detailed enough

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>Take shit
>Stand Up
>Get toilet paper sheets
>Fold them over each other
>Wipe
>Repeat until clean

>>34673141
How much of this is truth and how much is exaggeration?

Be honest.

I'd like to know, too. Even after switching to baby wipes I have large chunks of shit stuck to my ass that only showering seems to be able to take care of.

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>>34674939
>Large chunks
Do you shave your ass? It might be getting caught in the hair.

>>34675022
I do not, in fact, shave my ass.

It's incredible how much can be caught though. Like, today I had a chunk that was about the size of a malted milk ball.

>>34675045
Gross, you should probably start doing that. Also, don't be liberal with wipes if you're getting shit in them.

Wipe hard and well if you keep having this problem.

>>34672243
I use soap and water which is better than tp.

ok so, you take a shit, then,
you scrunch, NOT FOLD,
then from your crotch, you go upwards and properly wipe, then throw it in the toilet, repeat until there is very little to no shit left

>>34672977
That's literally an episode of Seinfeld

>>34672323
>>34672406
>>34672837
>>34672875
>>34672939
>>34672964
>>34673036
>>34673141
>>34673205
>>34674465
>>34674722
>>34674939
>>34675045
>>34675414
>>34675617

Do you stand up or wipe sitting down?

>>34675729
I use to stand up but then got lazier and just started sitting down

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>>34674722
Stand up, don't know how people sit down and wipe desu.

>>34675729
Sitting down. Should I be standing?

>poop
>wipe ass with about a foot of tp
>fill a gardening jug with warm water
>sit on toilet and pour water onto my hand
>clean my asshole with hand
>use more water if im still not clean

>>34675750
>>34675045
>>34674939

This is pretty fucking disgusting, even for r9k 2bh

>>34675746
>sitting down

How is that even possible?

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>>34675750
are you from india anon-san?

I went to india once. it was sugoi desu ne.

>stand up
>bend over
>wipe bum

>>34675777
I'm from the states. Washing your ass with water is essential if you want to be clean. Even the Japanese do it.

>take poop
>use 2 squares of TP to wipe
>if not complete, fold TP in half, wipe again
>if not complete, fold TP in half, wipe again
>if not complete, get 2 new squares of TP and repeat process

Note: I do NOT stand up for this process! That is very gross!

>>34672243
>Sit on toilet
>lean forward and wipe front to back, making sure to do so a few times while pushing out my anus as well
>get up and flush, go to the shower
>grab some soap and rinse the outside area
>after soap is washed off insert my finger in, pull it out, push out powerfully, insert finger back in, pull out and now push out while doing a washing motion against my anus
>also if finger makes contact with any feces dig it out
>notice a streak of reddish color because of blood
>wash rest of myself
>wash ass again
>do the whole finger and pushing thing as many times as my ocd demands me to, because if any water gets pushed in accidentally it feels bad
>bleed out of my ass more
>finally at some point feel clean enough to get out
>done

There are people who stand up to whip their butt?
What kind of shitty ;^) toilets do you guys use to not be able to do it while sitting, or are you just fat?

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I cleanse my ass hairs with fire as part of my bhuta shuddhi and go to the toilet twice a day with life or death concentration for the perfect poop. Then I stand up and examine if it's healthy then prod my finger into my boipussy with the TP and usually it's clean.

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>>34672243
>Rip the square of toilet paper off the toilet paper roll
>Stand up
>Rub my anus hole with the paper, usually in a back and forth motion
>Repeat depending on how vigorous my shit was

Just. Like. Any. Other. Fucking. Person.

Why? Why do any of you use some sort of special technique with water and shit to clean your asshole. Just use some damn toilet paper and that's it.

In other words, wipe your asshole the way your mother taught you, folks. Any other way and you're fucking retarded. I mean, not saying most of this board isn't, but still, this is bathroom basics 101.

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>massive shit
>80% of it stuck to my ass didn't come out properly
>toilet paper COVERED in shit
>wipe wipe wipe wipe
>still tons of shit
>fuck its gonna clog
>flush
>wipe and 2 more flushes, hardly any shit
>get the wipes
>WIPE WIPE WIPE, CLENCH THE ASSHOLE, CLENCH IT
>shit still coming out
>flush
>CLENCH CLENCH LIKE KISSING GOD
>finally the poo poo stop
>final wipe and 5-6 flushes later I'm done

t-this is normal right

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>>34676130
>shower few hours before bed
>usually just take 1 shit everyday within 30 minutes of waking up
>wipe until no poo residue on paper
>everytime I go pee for the whole day just wipe ass once or twice
>poo residue magically reappears every time I go pee
>the residue doesn't stop showing up until I take my next shower that night

I hate this

>>34672243

>Sit on bidet
>Use water and hand to clean ass
>Dry with paper
>Wash hands

That's it

rip off about eight squares, fold, fold again, drip some witch hazel on it, lean left to lift right cheek, wipe front to back, inspect, drop in bowl
repeat until less than an eighth of a square inch is dirtied
then do one back to front pass, taking care not to go too far
then one last regular pass
raise priority of taking a shower soon
done

>>34676263
>Using your hand

Fuckin yuropoors I swear

>>34676061
FUCK OFF NORMROACH

>>34676359
You think that thin layer of paper you're using is more sanitary? shit germs go right through that. That's why you wash your hands no matter how you go about.
If you're such a sensitive delicate flower about it you can use a bidet with a water jet and clean yourself while filling your faggot ass at the same time.

>>34676412
>That's why you wash your hands no matter how you go about.
To wash your hands is good.
To not get shit on them and then wash your hands thoroughly anyways is much much better.

I cant believe people stand up and wipe their ass? when I saw the meme that said '50% of people wipe standing up and dont know about the other 50%' I thought it was a joke

someone please sincerely tell me, if you really do wipe standing up

>>34672243
I use diapers

>>34677421
you still need to wipe though

>>34672243
I splash water on it with a bucket, use my left hand, scrape it, pull around, make sure no shit is on it, splash water again, (I make sure to leave the sink on beforehand) I reach over clean my hand to make sure it's sorted.

Use toilet paper, rub front to back, use a wet wipe, use toilet paper. Wash hands again afterwards. Done.

>take toilet paper
>wet lightly
>stand from seat with legs far apart
>bend foward
>pull lightly dabbed toilet paper from ass to beginning of taint
>get dry toilet paper
>get all the wetness and potential bits of toilet paperthat were stuck in the hairs
>toss toilet paper in toilet
>flush
>wash hands thoroughly and with soap

>>34677412
I sincerely do, friendo.

>>34675777
>>34675810
I'm from India, I do the exact sna method. Only extra steps. I make sure it's clean as possible, I had a cut near it once and it's always good to make sure good hygiene in the region just incase cuts apear, don't want them to get infected

In detail? Fine.
First i squat properly for the poop to come out right.

Then i flush right away for freshness.

Then i wipe with toilet paper till no more poop there. I do this while squatting, not sitting nor standing.

Then i use 2-3wet flushable in the middle, then whipes on each cheek then in the middle again. Then an extra and dig way in there and make sure clean, then an extra extra wipe.Then whipe with toilet paper till dry.

Or am i lieing??

>>34675988
Is your boipussi available anon?

>>34677412
I can't even fathom wiping while sitting down

I don't even know how you would do it

>>34675776
Cup your balls and wipe from the front.
Simple.

>>34678237
Why the fuck would anyone do this instead of just standing up

>>34678261
Why would anyone stand up instead of doing that?

I do three wipes grabbing toilet paper with each new wipe

>>34672243
>make sure to spread my ass-cheeks apart before I sit (the seat will keep them spread), that way the turd falls cleaner
>once done, scoot forward on the seat and lean over a bit to give better hand access from behind while still sitting
>once in this new seated position, make sure my cheeks have max spread again
>take two sheets and scrunch them
>one wipe per scrunch away from the balls
>keep wiping until no more brown on paper (anywhere from 2 to 5 wipes)

On the rare occasion of an extra sloppy shit:
>wipe once with 3 sheets scrunched, dry
>get 4 sheets and fold them, then wet them in the sink
>then continue on with the usual technique

>>34675746
>Should I be standing?
Absolutely not. Stand-wipers have no chance of getting optimal cheek spread. The only reason they stand to wipe in the first place is because parents can only wipe their small children's asses in a standing position when they're being potty-trained. They just kept up the stand-wiping procedure even after they started wiping their own asses and never learned the proper way to do it.

>>34675853
Have you ever considered not doing that? Sounds like a good way to eventually get ass cancer

>>34677421
Me too, colon three

>>34678447
Congratulations, your boipucci is now reeking of shit

>>34678993
How do you originally figure?

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>>34672243
Okay listen up

So first, before doing anything, I make sure to close the door and lock it. Next, I will take off all my clothes (shirt, pants, glasses, jordans, ect.) and squat on the toilet. Usually I put one foot on at a time but sometimes I'll jump up backwards onto the seat if I'm in the mood. I then grab 8 "slices" of toilet paper and place them in the water in order to reduce splash due to the elevated height necessary for my prone position. After this I'll begin pooping. Once done, I will concoct a large wad of toilet paper forming a sort of ball. While still sitting on the toilet, I will reach over to my sink (sitting opposite of me) and turn on the water. This can be somewhat of a daunting process however after training every day doing this I can perform this task with relative ease. With the water now flowing, I reach over and soak the toilet paper wad in water. I squeeze the wad, leaving about half of the water inside as to not get the floor wet by having it drip while I retract my arm. Next, I wipe frontwise, putting my arm infront of myself, reaching down and wiping towards my groin. I never wipe with the same spot, and I'll fold the toilet paper or rip parts off in order to find clean area. I repeat this process, retrieving more wet toilet paper if needed, until my toilet paper shows no signs of color after wiping. I then sit up, put all my clothes back on, flush the toilet then wash my hands with water.

I think that covered most of it. I'm open to any questions.

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