>hear banging at your door >"THIS IS THE POLICE,

>Magnet my hard drive
>Throw my piss jugs out the window

>>34531475
POLICY WEECY I TINK IS TIME FOR CUMMY ON TUMMY

>>34531548
>Magnet my hard drive
>Throw my piss jugs at the police

open door

i am no criminal

I mean killing my self would be the obvious option

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>>34531475
I'd probably be dead on the floor already, my blood splattered everywhere and phone still on call with 911

Hello officers what can i do for you?

Load my AR and chill on a corner of the room. I obviously did something wrong to have the police at my door like that.

Tell those thugs in blue that I'm not opening shit until they produce a warrant.

Open the door, I haven't done anything wrong and I'm white, so I should be safe.

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>>34531475
>open my door casually
>my blood is all over my shirt
>pinching the slash in my jugular closed
>"he got away but he threw his knife out the window"
>I accidentally point to the window
>my blood pours out like a bucket and I die

>>34531475
Easy, I kill myself, don't have to interact with other humans if I'm dead

>>34531475
Open door not say a word. Blank stare

>>34531475
Wonder how did my lawn turn into the stairway of a building.

>>34531881
This is SOOOO much fuckin better that what I was going to say.

I admire you for being smarter than me.

>Grab kitchen knife and throw open the door, so they shoot me 11 times in the chest. Then, shit myself so the coroner and paramedics have to smell my ass odor.

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>>34531475
Gif related

Originality

>>34531475
Open the gas valve and lock myself in the bathroom with the window open

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>>34531548
>Throw my piss jugs out the window

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ask them how are they doing, bc probably i know them all.

>>34531475
Your mom
Lel

>>34531626
>get handcuffed and sent to jail
Well, at least you're no criminal, right?

>>34531475
Uh, no speaka

>>34531475
>answering the door
>ever

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>"I HAVE A GUN I HAVE A GUN!"
>aggressively point when they enter

kill me

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>>34531475
Hang myself.
I've got a noose up and any time the doorbell rings or there's a knock, I get ready to run into the basement to hang myself.

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man i've got a "far friend" or acquiantance or w/e you'd call it that has a warrant out on him for driving without a license; isn't as if the marshalls are actively tracking his ass down but if the vehicle he was in got pulled over, he'd be going straight to jail

he works under the table construction and has a bangin' GF although she's probably dumb as a bag of hammers

i often wonder what that shit is like

>>34531548
are piss jugs even illegal?

get a sense of doom and what the next 20 years in prison are going to be like

>>34532507
they would probrbly get in and save you in time
but take long enough where ur a veggie

>>34531475
you're just going to have to shoot me through the door.

>>34531475
pull out pellet gun
charge them like I have an actual gun
die
yay

>>34531475
I don't think they say open up for suicide calls.

>>34531475
>open door
"what?"

>>34531475
>try to destroy my hard drive
>fail
>remember i have a backup hard drive anyway
>try to take my gun out of the desk
>probably just to kill myself with
>they get in and shoot me
>i live but i'm a cripple now

>>34532756
>Get shot inches away from the heart
>Get tazed
>Survive
>Spend the rest of your life in prison

>>34532955
>Get tackled
>Go to jail
Good luck affording bail.

>>34531475
>Open door slightly
>chuck pipe bomb
>slam door closed
>listen to them all disperse
>after bang, burst outdoor with .30-06 rifle
>waste cops to my side, using corner of building for cover on my other side
>mag dump around said corner when my flank is cleared.
>make get away with a police scanner
>jump a freight into mexico

>>34533097
>open door slightly
>cop pulls it open and they all rush you
>pipe bomb goes off in your hand
at least you took some of them with you

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>>34532623
>he doesn't know about the human waste accumulation act

This would be impossible

I use incognito browse to for mischief

>>34533162
the fact that your data isn't all facebook and youtube is enough to know you're up to no good

>>34532999
alright, finally I have a reason to complain about my life!

>>34532507
>tfw it was just pizza man

ctrl+f "warrant
>2 results

not good enough /r9k/ learn your rights

>>34533240
No, because you only got there because of "muh choices."

>>34533295
doesn't matter anyways, no one to listen to me but tyrone while he rams me

make them kill me

>>34533266
They have probable cause to enter because of belief that there are dead people in my house, due to the odor of my overflowing poop jug.

>>34531475
I've done nothing illegal.

>>34533589
Tell it to the judge, anon.

*teleport behind them
*quickly slash all their throats with my SilverBlade of Death*
Heh. Didn't see that coming did ya?

>rig house with hidden nitrogen bottles
>displace oxygen in entire house
>hide in room with oxygen mask
>let cops suffocate as they try to make it into barred room door

>>34531475
Make a fake gun as quickly as possible then hope they shoot me and finally release me from this hell

>shut down VMs so they encrypt
>./kill.py (script that auto rm -rf's my VPSs)
>yank power cord(battery is fucked so shuts off and encrypts)
>i keep bottom panel off laptop so i can rip out ram and HDD break them and microwave
>get destruction of evidence charge

Better than hax0r charges I would get.
But im a opsec god so this would never happen

>destroy harddrive
>set house on fire so they can't get in
>escape through window, pretend to be armed and let them kill me

>>34533906
I just keep my hard drive unscrewed and the battery out so I just have to slam the laptop to the left.

>>34534006
You still need to do something with the ram cards there is a lot of shit stored in those for a little while even after shutdown. What is cold boot

Why are you searching my house? Am I free to go?

happened to me before at 3 a.m.

you dont expect the nightmares that result from it when you wake up in the middle of the night and completely believe that you just heard the distinctly thunderous door knock of law enforcement and your heart feels like it is going to explode until you look outside and there is no one there.

>>34531475
Get rid of my weed and surrender I guess.
I hope they don't destroy my tea collection.

>>34534072
Oh I know I had fugitive apprehension dept (basically us marshalls) a shit ton all tacd out run up to my apt knocking on door. A few days after me and some people did some things with some one else's computers. (I'm this fag btw >>34533906) for some reason though it just didn't feel right. So all I did was shut everything down letting all drives encrypt. And opened the door. And my gut was right, they were looking for the old tenant. But I was scared af

>>34534023

No it doesn't you idiot, ram has always been volatile. what the fuck is a ram card?

>>34531475
Bring out the black man I have stored in my basement.

>>34531475
Smash the disc inside my hard drives as fast as humanly possible. Alternatively I rub a magnet on them and then into the microwave.

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Nothing to see here officers

>>34534299
deepdotweb com /jolly-rogers-security-guide-for-beginners /cold-boot-attacks-unencrypted-ram-extraction/

Like I said faggot what is cold boot

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>"YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME TO JAIL"
>kill myself
>was gonna do it at some point anyways

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YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS

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>>34531475
Put an industrial-grade magnet on my hard drive before they barge in