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I never have told this to anyone because all this is extremely personal but I just want to get it out somewhere and I don't know where else I can do this. The story of my life. Maybe a desperate cry for help before I might kill myself.
>be 5, kindergarten
>just started to talk but I already taught myself multiplication and numbers beyond a billion
>big brother bullies me and my mother hits me
>try several times to run away from home, once even chase brother with knife and once almost jumped down the house to kill myself
>apart from that lots of fun, friends, everything nice
>7yo, 1st grade
>everything still fine, have a girlfriend and we even kissed frequently
>problems with teacher
>get IQ test done
>score above test limit of 160, in response even an article in local newspaper about a "very rare genius"
>skip grade
>everything goes downhill
>start getting bullied
>5th grade, problems with teacher again who smokes, drinks and hates me
>6th grade private school
>still get bullied, teachers against me, threaten to kill myself, forced to take therapy
>therapist a woman who just wanted to milk me for money, my parents let me quit her without telling school
>fast forward, 8th grade, 13 yo
>still get bullied badly because I am youngest and don't fit in
>still family issues
>big existential crisis, constantly think about killing myself
>almost drop out of high school
>discover weightlifting
>my mother notices and gets me gym membership
>feel much happier, people start treating me much better, put less effort in school but still get better grades, everything good
>17yo, everything fantastic, lots of good friends, I am happy
>even get model offer which I declined and regret to this day
>18yo uni starts, top 10 uni STEM degree
>all friends gone, I am not used to independence and studying
>only start studying 2 weeks before exams but miraculously pass with great grades
>keeps repeating
>4 semesters in, am ahead of everyone else, not the best grades but doing well
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>>34368186
CONT
>my life collapses
>dont do any exams
>begin therapy but dont want to take anti depressants
>1 year later still 0 progress
>change therapist, get on anti depressants
>start progressing again at very slow pace
>8th semester, 21 yo, last summer, decide to finally do an entire exam block again (exams coupled to each other so average of them all determines if I pass all or fail all)
>for some reason just don't study at all, only ~10h per exam except one 20h
>pass some of the exams but fail all because average is the minimal amount below passing)
>just 2-3h of more effort and I would have passed
>don't tell my family
>fast forward now, 9th semester, 22yo
>have to repeat block, if I fail again I am out
>have to pass 8 exams next summer or it's over
>tomorrow first exam, just started studying an hour ago
>NEET lifestyle, only vidya, 4chan, anime, lifting
>passed that exam with good grade in summer, the one I put in 20 hours
>but now I have done nothing
>sleep deprived
>malnourished
>fucked up sleep schedule
>told my therapist last week everything is fine
>want to tell him the truth tomorrow after exam
two options:
>get my shit together, hope that grade won't be too bad and study hard so I can compensate for it with other exams
>kill myself
I haven't just wasted the last 3 years but have literally ruined my great life for no reason. I have no excuses. I don't know why but I just don't do anything. I hate myself, am embarrassed and have zero motivation to do anything productive even now. I just hit rock bottom. And I still can't seem to change.
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>>34368186
We're gonna need a tl;dr version.
orig
>>
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>>34368186
>>34368214
Going to be honest, a lot of your story sounds like delusion.
Not only are you a super genius with an IQ above 160, but you also got a modeling offer? Either one alone I wouldn't believe, in all honesty.
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>>34368214
so you have a therapist, and are in school still, with a fine possibility of passing?
you're not at rock bottom
come back in a year when you're wagecucking in a dead end job and have no prospects and haven't had a conversation with a living human in months
even then, you aren't homeless and addicted to booze
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Do your fucking homework you fucking whiny crybaby cunt, fuck off
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>>34368214
You need to start doing study at the University library. Finish your degree. There is life after uni so consider this an opportunity to think about what you want to do next. Don't do study at home as you will just be distracted by video games. When you finish your degree you need to shift towns and go some where new and fresh.
Your problem is you are spending all day in your bedroom, and the lack of external stimuli and isolation is having a very negative impact on your mental health.
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Thank you all.
>>34368602
>>34368433
especially you 2
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