Things about you that are true, but sound completely made

I once nutted in the Supreme Court

>>34324123
I'm gonna assume this is where I'm supposed to jerk myself off. I have a properly, psychologist administered IQ test tested IQ of 160.

>>34324123
>i have survived 3 concussions
>i've never played football

>>34324123
I've took enough pills to kill a man twice and survived

>>34324123
Post from space next time so i can collect a rare flag

>>34324146
What's the story? Did you just get off with the fabric of your pants or what?

>>34324221
I had a case that made it to the Supreme Court concerning unrightful search and seizure and I when I won I began masturbating

>>34324123
Youre not a fuckin astronaut (lol)

>>34324123
On my birthday I went out in a cowboy hat to the cross roads at midnight and laid out an offering to the voodoo gods then wandered onto the first bus that passes by. Wrote my number on a strangers arm on the bus because they thought my cowboy hat was Pokemon. Started following me, I wandered into someone's garden. Had to call my tinder date to help me coz I got stranded. Tinder date tried to run me over. Hooked up anyway. Climbed over the fence into house at 4am.

I'm sorry, but I am reading everything in this thread in the voice of Alan Partridge and it's utterly beautiful.

I know about 15-20 girls that have had a crush on me.

>>34324123
I'm a bisexual necrophile woman that was let off in court for assaulting a soldier on a military base and have never done a day in prison.

I paid rent by playing video games for people

I am fuck buddies with Rachel McAdams and she calls me "King Kong Ding Dong"

i'm a black supremacist trump supporter

>>34324123
I'm NOT autistic.

(Some bullshit because what I said was already said (Who'd have guessed, huh?))

i'm a actually very highly ranked in the fbi but also first i was south african spy

>>34324123
I don't believe you.

originally

>>34324123
I was a Dominant at a local BDSM club for years. Just for impact play. I never had sex in the club itself. But I did take more than a few girls home. I miss those days sometimes, but my wife is so amazing that she more than makes up for it.

>>34325329
i also started the ukrainian revolution 2014-2016 what it do

I've lived on a volcano for two summers.

>>34325349
and i prevented a nuclear holocaust and stopped world war 3 but ended up getting tortured for that

I have managed to retain a memory of myself in the womb

>>34325179
That's originally hot as fuck

I'm a millionaire thanks to real estate.

I am the 45th president of the United States.

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>>34324123
and how many astros did you naut so far, my friend?

>>34324123
More like austronaut

>>34325378
Did you remember the taste of your mothers cunt?

>>34324123
I secretly smoked some loud kush with Mr.President Trump.

>>34324123
im 22 with a phd and make $110k a year, and will never probably exceed this

>>34325246
no
take that back RIGHT FUCKING NOW
IT'S NOT TRUE IT'S NOT TRUE

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I told a bunch of people a few days ago that I have never eaten out of an ice cream cone in my entire life and no one believed me but it's true.

>>34325372
S pic y y.

I know a secret. A secret about getting those nudes.

>>34324123

I've been pepper sprayed in prison before.
I have no criminal record.

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I've seen 3 possessed old guys.

The priest had to do an exorcism.

Fun fact is that I don't even go to church.
I was there because my grandma did not wanted to leave me alone.

my face has been cracking and i got an acne outbreak
im fucking in my 30's
a cute girl smiled at me when i talked to her today

I'm the only real person in this simulation

>>34325966
voice cracking* face acne outbreak
hit my head the other day

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>>34324123
I have lungs that spontaneously collapse. I've been to the hospital and had like 9 chest tubes in my life. There's no underlying illness, my lungs are just crap. It's been happening since I was 17, and I'm almost 22.

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I actually have a huge penis

i have multiple personalities that controls me based on my mood/emotions, one of them taking my main personality and trying to change me permanently

and that personality is sadness with other things which i can't describe

i never ate a hot dog

I caught crabs from my mother.

>>34324123
I'm a Aryan Ginger.

>>34328469
post pics of your eyes and hair

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>>34329187
Don't want some creep saving pics of me, but my hair is a goldish red and my eyes are a dark greyish blue.

>>34324123
I'm a khv of the subsaharan Congo background and I routinely fap to SCAT

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>>34329402
>goldish red
God, gingers will call their hair anything other than ginger. I know, I used to call my hair strawberry blonde. Makes me die inside every time I think about it.

>>34324123
i tore a man's foreskin off while practicing for rugby and stole his girlfriend from him a year later for exactly 1 week and never got laid.

I have a Stacy friend that is a virgin.

>>34324123

I voted for George Bush instead of Michael Dukakis in 1988.

>>34330170
I voted for jeb bush in the 2016 primary. and not the republican one.

>>34324123
i fucked OP's mom

>>34324173
>>34324165
You guys must have suffered from so much brain damage.

>>34324123

I've spent the last 2 and a half years lying that I passed university. I personally faked a diploma, which I used to fool my parents. I have a job that requires that degree, but no one checked up on my actual credentials.

I figure if i can just fake it another 2-3 years in the field, no one will ever question me.

>>34330608

what field are you faking your career in?

>>34324123
I was homeschooled for the first 17 years of my life and it only stopped because I helped my brother fake his death and join the french foreign legion and afterwards the cops thought he was a terrorist and confiscated my computer, and even later after that was settled my brother burnt his new soldier ID card while smoking weed and I committed forgery by making him a new ID based on the remains of the old burnt one

>>34330608
that must have taken a lot of practice to lie through your teeth, very impressive

the best of luck to you

I started a meme once. Way back before memes were mainstream and every fucking normie on the block knew about them.
It wasn't like pepe or a huge meme but a decent sized one.
The sad part is I can't even remember what meme it was. It came and went so fast and so long ago that it's faded out of memory.

>>34330628

Psychology.

I'm working as the main HR guy at a small/medium company. They're looking to have me basically consult on all major decisions involving employees. Everything from office layout to training programs.

>>34330723

Its surprisingly easy. The technical bit with making the diploma was the hardest part, and I would never attempt to pass it off as real to anyone that knows. Don't ever intend to hang it up either.

The key is plausibility and consistency. Complicated stories are difficult, keep things simple, and remember them if it comes up again.

Tell the same story over and over again, and you start believing it yourself.

>>34330759
>>34330818
No one cares if the HR guy has a degree.

You will never do anything within actual "psychology" without one so I hope you're happy in HR.

I can identify peoples past and possible mental illnesses just by looking and speaking to them
>I'm like sherlock's retarded brother people say
>although it takes a lot longer than when it does on the show

I am immunized to carbon monoxide poisoning

>>34330759

Nice. I think that you can pull it off, honestly - HR being an area where you don't need a ton of technical skills but a lot of refined soft skills. Here's hoping you get away with it. Cheers

>>34324123
I once had a world record for solving a rubik's cube.

I'm a 23 year old kissless virgin NEET that doesn't leave the house.

I directed L'Ambassadeur.

>>34324123
My dick hole is on the underside of my glans, not the end of it.

>>34331606

It must be difficult to give a proper facial

>>34331487
Are you Mads Bruger?

Never watched the documentary but I'm interested in the production process

not just the cool shady black market shit you did to make the documentary, but how you actually get it funded and put together behind the scenes, that's what really interests me.

Unless you're talking about a different movie and you're not actually who I think you are

>>34325339
this makes me kind of sad that someone made this up

>>34331640
>Are you Mads Bruger?
No.

>>34331673
then what movie called L'Ambassadeur did you direct?

>>34324123
I've read over 1000 books

As a kid I once didn't use the bathroom for 2.5 days because I couldn't use any bathroom other than the one at home (autism, not any actual disability)

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>>34324123
Some of my girl friends let me take pictures of them with /r9k/ timestamps so I can shitpost under the guise of a "femanon"

The best part is, you've probably all fallen for my trap at least once if you've been on here for long.

>>34331737
i did this one time on yik yak

World record holder
and yes, it's related to video games

>>34324123
I am a kissless hugless handholdless virgin that has never been on a date, asked a girl out, or done anything romantic or sexual in any way

I can be certain ghosts are real.

>>34331766
Tell story anon. I'm very curious.

i have had an alien encounter

>>34331776
Tell your story too plssss

I've been a stock car driver for 10 years at an oval track. I have never had a drivers license. Also never had a job for more than 3 days.

>>34324123

I am involved in several sexual relationships with 4 female cousins, all of which were initiated by them.

None of them know about my relationships with the other 3.

tfw have a shitton of sexual experience but can never tell a future waifu and have to lie and say I'm a virgin

>>34331781
not much to "tell" really.
it's a lot less exciting than you would really think, besides the fact it was aliens.

i didn't really get any information, i just gave them some.

i know why they "abducted" me though. because they knew i would go without a fight.
i've always had a strange strong belief in aliens.
maybe i'm one of them i don't even know. they wouldn't tell me if i asked.

the best thing i have to say though is from what i know they aren't malevolent in any way. how our governments will respond is another discussion though

>>34331850
What did they look like? How did you communicate?

>>34324337
Sounds like you unrightfully searched and seized yourself.

>>34331772
My friend told me the same story about seeing a white (I don't mean the race, literally white) person in a robe disappearing to air in a place I often go to. He told me the same story in elementary school, in middle school and in high school, no matter where I asked, providing more facts that didn't contradict themselves. The guy he was with when he saw it confirms it. He's too dumb to be a good liar.
Sorry, I know you expected a personal story and not one of my friend, but my life is too boring.

Ok. So, I stabbed a guy, and walked on No-Bill, about a year later.

Ironically, I now work at a law firm that specializes in criminal defense, and will probably start law school, after I'm done with my undergrad.

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I spent the last 3 years cheating programming class, my teacher thinks I am the best student in the class, I cannot code for shit, I know nothing about coding but I sure can lie and copy! but seriously though.
>tfw lie through programming
>tfw pass
>ayyyyyyyyy

>>34324123
I am a guy and have about 5 girls orbiting me.
I also scream "normie" and "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" irl

>>34331879
it's hard to describe what they looked like. they weren't like anything i've ever seen. it wasn't like those typical grey aliens (which may very well exist too. what the hell i dont know every possible alien species).
the best way i could describe these ones would be inter-dimensional or multidimensional "beings". they seemed to be comprised mostly of energy. they didn't have structured bodies but seemed to just "float" in the sky. they were constantly moving and shifting. there were no signs of genders or different "breeds". just all one kind. very bright and warm light.

we communicated telepathically. i didn't even have to speak they could enter my mind at will. they couldn't control it, but they could read it. it was kind of unsettling in a way to know they knew every emotion and thought i was feeling. well thats kind of what it felt like anyway i don't know how it felt for them. they seemed very compassionate and non-judgmental though. i was "probed" or forced up or anything.

>>34324337
thanks anon I'm stealing that idea and will shortly produce a script and direct a movie based around a lawyer who is sexually aroused by his own success

and you will not be able to search or sieze any of the money I make off of your story :v)

>>34324123
I speak three languages fluently and I could learn a new one in months.
I have no desire to do so because I hate talking with people I don't know.

>>34324123
All my friends tell me a story about getting angry at me while I was riding a bike, shoving me off it and smashing my head against a curb

I have absolutely no memory of such an event

I once his a BAC of 0.50
It was my first time ever drinking in public too.

Oh and I was hit by a car in grade 5, the impact sent me flying, and I got nothing but a few scratches.

>>34331945
wasnt probed*** sorry feel like i should specify that

>>34331928
How? I know it must be easy to pay-to-pass, but did you just do it through charisma, not involving money or adderall, at all? Frat with a test bank?

I'm in with a bunch of little over-achiever, type-A scum. I guess CS is a more exploitable labor pool, as that's kind of what they're studying for, but I'm going to need to know this, when things get serious.

>>34331945
sounds like you were tripping senpai

also could any aliens out there please take me on a trip into outer space I want to see the stars up close real bad thanks

>>34327945
Thats like claiming your a hot woman, pics or it didn't happen.

>>34331978
i don't do drugs but i can see why you would think that
kind of sounds like what people describe that dmt drug trip as

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>>34324123
I figure in a movie that got the Cannes Jury Price.

I skipped school that day and earned my first salary.

>>34331956

Not sure how you pulled that off since .4 is enough to kill 99% of people

i'm ''instagram famous'' (97k followers) but I don't like it
I lowkey want to delete my account and never return , but I get money for promoting stuff

>>34332018
maybe someone spiked your drink or something accidentally?

Regardless if you have any sort of connection with them or ever see them again, keep me in mind and send them my way because I really would like to see a start or a nebula or even better a start exploding into a supernova with my own two eyes

Why can't aliens be cool and kidnap people to show them random cool space shit like that. That's all I'd ever want out of a bunch of superintelligent 4th dimension aliens

>>34332058
okay #1 i'd love to bring you along if they ever contact me again which i'm really hoping they do, but i have no idea who you are or where you live.. lol

and #2 i can't speak for them, but i wouldn't get your hopes up about seeing "space" up close. i didn't get to and you probably wouldn't either. it's so much more than that. space is cool and all, but the things i saw were more awesome than any nebula could have ever been.
also i think a supernova might blind you
:^)

>>34332058
also i don't drink either.
to be honest i haven't really had any friends since that happened

i've killed someone before

>>34332112
they could just show me a projection or a hologram or some sort of alien space voodoo shit, even just give me some sort of mental image

and also I think that if they are really these multidimensional transcended energy beings they won't have any trouble locating some random kid in canada

Seriously though if they ever to again, think about me or something and try to get them to bring me along. I mean you're probably fake as shit but I love the idea of extradimensional shit and sort of not- evil lovecraftial aliens far beyond our understanding. It means the universe is more than just a giant mechanical clock slowly winding down to heat death and total nothingness

>>34332049
Guessing you're a fit female? How much do you make and how did you get into it, did you contact the companies or did they make contact with you?

Do you think a very fit and decent looking male could make money promoting off Instagram? Not like a super ripped powerlifter but a very cut, decent looking looking male

>>34331293
>>34331753
These are supposed to be things that are true but sound made up
Those are just true

>>34332155
yeah i don't know for sure one way or the other.

i just meant to say it would be difficult to find you because i don't know who you are. they might not either. they don't just "know" everything from what i learned. i'd have to give them something to go off of, not "this dude replied to me once on an /r9k/ thread can you hook him up?"
i mean maybe. i don't know for sure to be fair.
i can understand why you'd think this is fake. i probably would too.

ps. you live in canada?

>>34332277
Yeah I do, it's not half bad but there are no aliens here and I'm not even far enough north to see lots of stars or northern lights

I fucking hate clouds and light pollution

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>>34324123
One time I puked into an empty beer bottle without spilling a drop.

>>34332354
i'm from canada too, but i'm from near the arctic circle
hey you might have your chance yet. maybe they like us
:^)

>>34332398
Hmmm let me guess, you live in yellowknife or fort mccmurray?

>tfw you have never seen the northern lights
>tfwo you will never see the northern lights from ORBIT
>tfw you will not die as an old man by jumping into the atmosphere from space during an aurora

Why do I even continue? Why the fuck is all the cool shit up in the freezing north when I enjoy the warm south so much more

>>34331753
How do you stay hugless? You still need to hug girls at some special occasions, like Christmas.
I have less romantic history than all of you and I was still obliged to hug someone.

>>34332473
yeah northwest territories.
near yellowknife, near an army base that will not be named. (i'm not in the military)

come to think of it that may have been a good reason why they came... i'm not gonna lie i feel very dumb for just thinking of that right now.

i'd love to live in somewhere big and warm like toronto or windsor though. north is gorgeous dont get me wrong. come visit sometime robot i'll tell you in person about my alien encounter and you can think i'm crazy too

>>34324123
I have a YouTube account with nearly 100k subscribers

>>34332572
hmmm well anon, I'm going to bed now in warm comfy blankets fresh out of the dryer. Coziest feeling in the world

You seem like a cool guy though, so I'll drop my throwaway email if you want to keep in touch

[email protected]

I might take you up on your offer to come up north and hear your story and also that the aliens will know who I am if they ever come back

and to see the northern lights of course

I'm a female virgin above the age of 25 and am not ugly or fat.

>>34332696
why don't you just get to know any random anon from here and if you like them pay for them to fly over to where you live and then do the dirty

>>34332719
Why would I let myself get used by some random anon? Wtf. I want a husband not a fuckbuddy.

>>34332742
if you like them and get to know them then of course you husband them :v)

marry me plox

I am the entire Central Intelligence Agency.

>>34332719

Why don't you want the hot beef injection?

>>34332696
Presumably not religious then, or it would be at least somewhat believable.

Why are you still a virgin then? Can't be for the lack of opportunity. Good on you if you're waiting for marriage but there must be a reason for it as most women don't do that

>>34332825
Because I am delusional. All my life I wanted a serious relationship and husband, not something random, and no guy considers me GF material. I am a freak, withdrawn and cold and awkward and shy and I can't even walk straight my shoulders are always hunched, and where I live the girls are all top perfect stacy and there's plenty better ones to pick from. They would want me for my looks only and throw me away after hooking up, which is degrading. all I want is someone who truly loves me and that's not going to happen.

>>34332930
Fair enough. I guess that's a bit of a two way street. As a guy nowadays it's mostly pointless to put any real effort into a women since most of the have a constant stream of offers. Wait too long and someone else will snatch her up. There isn't any real place for any prolonged duration of "courting" a girl.

At least you still have people interested in you, maybe try changing where and with with whom you interact to get different results? Bars, college campuses etc probably aren't a great place to find a husband. Somewhere where you spend a reasonable amount of time with a mixed group of people so you can get to know each other first might be good, like some club, volunteering etc.

This is just my completely unqualified opinion as a KV online so no idea if it's actually a good idea

>>34325449
severely underrated

oregano onagero

>>34324123
I'm a celebrity.

My current job is as a gunner in a M1A2 Abrams tank.

And it's fucking miserable.

>>34324123
I have done meth, while being an international level athlete.
You may have seen me on the tv.

>>34324123
photo from space with timestamp lying faggot

>>34333113
That is hardly unbelievable anon.

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>>34329830
What's wrong with that? There are different shades of colour when it comes to hair

>>34333134
Really? I'll get a little more unbelievable then

I've flown on Air Force One
I've met several former presidents
My father is a celebrity in Major League Baseball.
I personally know many high ranking people in free masonry, at least from what they've told me. I don't understand it too well.
And all of them are connected and have led to one another

>>34333033
> At least you still have people interested in you
No, not in me personally. Just interested in my shell. That's the whole problem.
Guys divide their partners in potential-wife and fuck-n-dump and so I only fall in the latter category.
My town is small too, this whole country is made of picky men who only go for stacy-tier, and IDK where you are from but I did notice that men abroad are less cruel and picky and more accepting of flaws than they are here

>>34324123
I have never jerked off to sex.

Ever.

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>>34333199
>opening with Abrams tank
>then posting this

Into the trash it goes.

I have a 6 figures job, highly respected in my career, popular in social circles, have lots of friends, am good looking, and have fucked over 100 girls.

Also I'm 5'6".

>>34333094
A-list?

>>34324123
I have something even harder to believe than OP being an astronaut

I have a gf.

>>34333227
>you don't believe me
That's why I didn't post it originally, nobody believes me unless I show them pictures or take them to ball games.

>>34333208
>No, not in me personally. Just interested in my shell. That's the whole problem

Well it's better than being excluded from the dating pool based on your shell.

>small town

That should make it easier, usually cities are the main pump & dump grounds

Where do you live? Usually it's the men who are more accepting and the women who are really picky with potential long-term partners. Although I guess high divorce rates and seeing miserable marriages have made men more cautious.

I live in the UK just for reference, am european though

>>34333316
>post unbelievable shit
>"lemme post mundane shit, then when I am told it's mundane I will roll out the unbelievable shit, for real!"

Colour me as a disbeliever.
If you had posted it first I woulda believed you were something more than a depressed gunner.

>>34333359
>>34333359
I'm not anything more than a depressed gunner, I just traveled with my dad for awhile and met a lot of people. I don't even have a good relationship with him, it's just shit I've done that people don't believe

>>34333340
Yeah in the UK men are much less picky. I'm dutch..

>>34333459
Riiiiiiight.
Original oranges.

im a 22 y/o virgin neet without friends, and Im friends with a girl that has been crushing on me for years. She has sent me nudes on several occasions and tried to sext with me, but i dont see her in a sexual way and just wanna stay friends.

>>34333477
>Yeah in the UK men are much less picky. I'm dutch

I'm actually from an area fairly close to the netherlands. Been there quite a few times but mistly when I was under 13 or so. Always seemed like normie central though so it's not that surprising that you would have difficulty finding a husband there.

In my experience the guys who tend to be the most loyal are usually the slightly beta academics who still achieve fairly well, although that is mostly true for germany and the uk as those are the countries I've lived in

Good luck anon, sounds like you at least have the potential to escape your situation (since you aren't ugly or fat)

>>34333643
>without friends
>I'm friends

False detected.

>>34331008
wtf teach us!?!

>>34331737
Kek, you evil mother fucker. I'll screencap this :)

>>34333477
ayyyy Nederlanderrrrrrrr heb je kik?

>>34324123
6 Suicide attempts, mostly just being a useless pussy though.
I design Solid State Drives and have a household of $100k
I actually have a girlfriend and mostly come here out of Nostalgia and depression.

>>34330979
You're a god

Divock Original

>>34325378
This is 100% a lie. You just imagine that, it is impossible to remember that far back.

>>34330979
You want to g0 ?

>>34331487
Whaaaaaatttt
You're a god
Contact plz plz

>>34331766
Same bro. Living lyf!
for now: o

>>34334077
just get out you fucking idiot

>>34332695
I hope you'll meet. This sound awesome.

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I spent an amazon gift card I got from moot on Senran Kagura for Vita.

>>34332930
I would marry you anon!