Serious question here, I'm not trying trigger anyone here.

File: 1469500385329.png (890KB, 1128x572px) Image search: [Google]

890KB, 1128x572px

Any empty space moment I have where I'm not listening to music or a podcast or watching a tv show or right before I go to sleep. Always in that mili-second I think about killing myself. I say let's just get it over with, but I probably will never do it. It seems like to me I'm playing the video game called life on hardcore mode. I have to suffer, I'm not a masochist but that just the way it is. I'm living only to be some sort of fuck you to the universe. My death's going to be random or poorly dragged out but not my hands. I'm rambling like a horse's ass. Let me log out of my tumblr.

>>34154409
I'm guessing you've read The Myth of Sisyphus? I probably interpreted it the wrong way, but it's made me realize how privileged I am to be able to commit suicide at any time I want. While Sisyphus managed to find happiness in pushing the stone up the hill, he is forever doomed to that stone. If at any point in my life, I don't find happiness in pushing whatever my stone may be, it's calming to know that I can leave this life at any time.

I feel you though, I don't really see a point in staying alive much longer. I'm so tired and there is no real reason for me to keep going.

Yes, it was back in highschool and he was a freshman I met through marching band (I was a sophomore back then). We were pretty good friends and we'd laugh at all the same nasty fucked up shit together which was pretty rare considering everyone else at HS was all PC and shit. Towards the end of the season before thanksgiving, he asked me if he should kill himself and being the depressed le edgy kid I was, I said yes. Turns out he wasn't joking and actually shot himself in the head during thanksgiving break (though the administration said it was an accident). He would talk about how life was meaningless pretty often but all of us thought it was a joke and didn't catch the signs.


Ultimately I still wish he was here and I'm sure there are plenty of people who feel the same way for you too. I feel like a depressed piece of shit pretty often myself but I always have moments soon after that remind me why I keep getting up from bed in the morning.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm just a lurker and I think I have something to offer.

>>34156051
Holy fuck that sounds shitty

>>34154409
I'm not really sure what to tell you, OP. At best, I can only tell you my situation and hope it provides a bit of insight:
I hated myself for most of my life, probably up until I was 20, and was pretty mentally fucked up/depressed from about the age of 12 until 20 as well. I never told anyone, never asked for help, and never even wanted help because I was so ashamed. I had a few friends in high school, which in hindsight, probably helped keep me sane, but I spent so much of my childhood and adolescence repressing my thoughts and feelings that even now I have trouble being genuine with my feelings. A few years ago, coincidentally the same year I first read The Myth of Sisyphus, I was so messed up that I thought of killing myself on a daily basis. I shut out everyone I knew, lost all my friends, became estranged from my family, the works. It took me a while to finally 'man up,' if you will, and I took a handgun that I owned, loaded it, and put it against my head with my finger on the trigger. Obviously, I didn't have the guts to pull the trigger, but the experience of feeling the barrel of the gun against my skin, and the weight of it in my hand, along with the realization that if I pulled the trigger everything would be over, and there would be nothing for me afterwards, helped to flip a switch inside of me.

1/2

>>34156459
Perhaps it's just the primal survival instincts, but from that point forward it was a bit like a veil had been lifted. I realized that this life is literally all I have. The state of being alive is the only thing I, as an individual, have that is my own. I also realized that part of the reason I was so unhappy was because I was comparing myself to others, people whose lives were nothing like mine, and I was trying to live a life that others had told me I should live, instead of trying to live to the best of my abilities. It sounds cliche, and it is, but it's something that you can't tell someone, they have to experience it on their own. Read a bit of Stirner, got my shit together mentally (still no friends, but 4chan is enough to keep me satisfied), and started working on moving forward in my life. The mentality that the only things that matter are those that I find value in has caused some trouble in my life, since people still expect you to be what they want you to be, but at the point where I currently am, I don't really care all that much. So here I am, two years later, a selfish asshole that loves life, loves (and hates) people, and is excited to see what tomorrow brings. Not going to lie to you OP, I cried for the first time in two years the other night out of sheer gratefulness for being alive and being able to experience all the strange and absurd things that the past year brought and future year will bring.

My life is uncertain, I have no idea what I want to do, no idea how to get to where I want to go, I have no friends, and no money, but I'm happy to be alive. Granted, my life is not, and never has been, as difficult as many bots' lives have been so in that regard I am fortunate but I can say that there is a certain amount of appreciation for life that comes from being close to death.

Thanks for listening to my blog.

>>34154409
The myth of sisyphus was dedicated to the question of if you should kill yourself. Camus' conclusion was no. It was something about life is more fun than not life so drive really fast until you die in a car crash.

Was Camus the Paul walker of the 20th century or was Paul walker the camus of the 21st century?

I had a friend who tried to commit suicide , personally I would consider it when my body/brain is getting too old to properly function or my financial situation gets too bad.

>>34156051
are you from Vegas?

>>34156717
Nope, a suburb in southern CA.

I've never told anyone else IRL that I told him to do it because I don't know who to tell.

>>34154409
>posts camus
>makes a depressed teenage girl post
Every single time.

File: reifishing.jpg (290KB, 740x800px) Image search: [Google]

290KB, 740x800px

>>34154409

You should read nagel's "The absurd" to see a humorous( if philosophically interesting) spin on the subject of the absurd.

But yes, the absurd is with us since we become aware of it. The absurd really can't be put to bed; it suspends itself in the back of the mind until your thoughts turn themselves back on it. It is the pervasive "who cares?" which underlines every action and thought

But moreover, we seem to care about the absurd without really understanding the reason. We might say "life is meaningless" or "nothing matters" but none of those things matter by our own declaration. Camus nailed it when he said "We want something which the universe cannot provide" Mainly because we don't even know what meaning is, what it could be, or how we could even have a universe which provides it.