I keep getting the urge to shit but I can't and I keep feeling

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I keep getting the urge to shit but I can't and I keep feeling it coming but nothing's coming out its like my rectum is now a mean club bouncer and won't let anything out and it fucking hurts and it won't stop then I bend over like an idiot and it feels so good but the poop won't come out and all I can feel is the relaxing massage my spazzing lower intestine is giving me so I go to the toilet so I can drop a fat man on Nagasaki but then the feeling stops and when I'm doing something like watching anime and all comfy with my cat then I get the urge again and it just keeps straining and I tense up then my cat runs out of my room