What the fuck are protestants >be 8, 2004, bible belt, Bush

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What the fuck are protestants
>be 8, 2004, bible belt, Bush era going strong
>be catholic minority
>spend Saturday at a sleepover with friend
>next morning have to go to "church" with his family
>this is just like going to mass right?
No
>walk in to church, there's just a bunch of folding chairs everywhere and a shitty rock band on the stage
>have to stand up and sing, but no hymnals, everyone just sings after the band, everyone is jumping and dancing like a spazz, music is all around shit.
>after 3 songs we have "communion" which was every family getting a pack of Ritz crackers and a juice box
>everyone acts like I'm retarded when I say Christ is present in the Eucharist
>pastor who got his certificate online goes onto the stage, says some stuff about god, then talks about George Bush and how he was sent by God to fight liberals and the gays and whay not
>(but don't tell them the pope was chosen by God)
>then sent to "children's ministry" where we were given dumbed down bible stories
>some Mexican dude who teaches told us how the big bang theory was wrong, but his only understanding of it was two meteors hit together and that made the world
>then we watched some DVD called "bibleman" before we went back to the main area and went home
Literally everything I saw was so cringeworthy it looked like a bunch of atheists setting up a church service to make fun of Christians. But no, you guys actually believe this and go to church on a regular basis. Wtf