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SCENE: Anti-SJW takes the stage to do some standup
“Hey guys, my name is Ben, and I’m an attack helicopter.”
The crowd is silent, watching him with a mix of caution and sympathy. A few people cover their eyes to avoid the trainwreck that they can already see unfolding in front of them. Ben’s hands start to sweat. B-but badsjw reblogged my post! They tagged it as ‘lmao’! How can these guys not find it funny? he thought to himself.
Then, he improvised; Going off script, he started setting the scene.
“I mean like, tumblr, yeah? They got kids on there who… they’re kids and they’re like, ykno, angels. I mean, they think they’re angels”.
A woman in the front is texting her friend to come pick her up as soon as possible.
“They’re all ‘oh I’m an angel! My pronouns are angel / angels / angelself”
There’s a visible recoil in some of the audience members when they hear him say backslash out loud. The woman has silently crept out of her seat and is making her way towards the side entrance. She ducks so as to not block the view of the people sitting beside her, though they would have rather avoided seeing what was transpiring on stage.
Ben sees an opportunity. If there’s one thing he’d come prepared for, it was hecklers. While everyone else had stayed quiet for some reason, unexpected for a university campus, this woman was trying to slink away. He would not let some FEMALE escape his grip.
“Are you triggered? You, in the side.. are you triggered? Did I trigger you?”
The woman stops in her tracks and throws a glance back. He’s pointing. Nobody’s staring at her, they’re all sitting in stunned silence. At least it was free entry she murmured to herself as she pulled the handle on the door and dashed out.
“Trigglypuffs, am I right? SJWs can’t take logic.”
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Ben quips before he starts throwing his hands around, shouting something indistinct to the audience because the microphone was away from his face. The audience enjoyed the silence.
With the audience still silent, Ben had to pull out the big guns.
“So, I saw someone drop this kitkat on the ground, on the… in central park the other day. I picked it up and ate it because, hey, hashtag candy lives matter”
An audible gag was heard from the back of the room, though the rest of the crowd wasnt sure if it was because of the thought of this trembling puddle of sweat eating a kitkat off the floor or from them physically saying ‘hashtag’ like they were a 40 year old newsreader. This is it Ben thought. I’ve cracked the perfect joke. It’s topical! This will go viral and steven-universe-official and plebcomics will finally follow me back! I can see the copypasta now.
“You fucking suck dude.”
Ben’s daydream about KotakuInAction rallying behind him is dashed as he hears the cry from the left aisle. It was then that he realised he’d been daydreaming for 5 minutes, most everyone had left, and he’d pissed his pants.
As the warmth fell down his leg, all he could see in his mind was the angry post he was going to write up on his own tumblr tonight, about how university campuses are simply hug boxes, not accepting of REAL humour anymore.
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