I don't want to live in a country where you can be arrested

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I don't want to live in a country where you can be arrested for saying mean things on twitter/facebook

I want to be able to carry a handgun on my person for self defence

I want to marry an american qt

I want to own a car with a 5 L V8 engine that does 10 mpg and not care about the running costs

I want to be able to walk into a shop and legally purchase marijuana

I want to own a big house in a comfy suburb

All I want to do is live in the USA, why is it so difficult for brits to emigrate? Can someone hook me up with a green card?