ITT: we design the car from hell I'll start: >Flat head

>>15087948
Engine is a horizontal twin connected to a dual rotor Wankel, sequential turbos have really loud blowoff valves but only make around 6 pounds of boost

no power steering and no weatherstripping
drum brakes all around

>>15087948
In order to access the engine bay to service parts such as the starter, alternator, water pumpy etc you must first remove metal retainer brackets blocking your way that require a special tool that isn't sold to the public, and would take a lot of fabrication work to imitate

>>15087984
or be like electric cars and have 1 rotary per wheel

>>15088009
It will have power brakes but the vaccum for the brake booster will be generated by a small two-stroke auxiliary motor mounted in the fender

>>15088031
brakes should be run from engine vacuum on a solenoid.
1 pedal driving, let go of gas, brakes activate.

The spare tire is mounted under the passenger seat, but won't come out without removing the seat

Engine oil filter requires removal of exhaust manifold.

it will have 4x4 but it will be vacuum actuated and the parts will be non-driver serviceable.
the entire engine and all its parts are cast iron and solid

>>15087948
two gas tanks, one in the front and one in the rear. both get drained at the same time, keeping weight distro the same throughout race.

Literally everything is vaccum operated

hi guys i was wondering if anyone in this thread wanted some part time work as a designer

>>15088065
sure
>>15088053
>>15088042
>>15088026
these are my ideas so far. where do I pick up my check?

the paint is all lead based and magnetic
the steering rack only has 8 notches on it and you can't mount a suicide knob to the steering wheel since its ribbed.
also the steering column is non-adjustable and neither is the seat.

The car is a miata/mr2 hybrid

engine mounted in rear, front wheel drive

>>15088059
>vaccum operated headlights
Press a switch which activates a solenoid which actuates a diaphragm attatched to a separate electrical switch

The electrical system was designed by Germans but sourced in and installed by Brits.

>>15088081
automatic headlight highbeams running off of vacuum
>every time there are no cars ahead of you
>PSSSSSSH

>>15088031

That has a .25 liter tank and you have the option of pre mixing, so you have to carry around a jerry can or you can tick the box for out oil and fuel injection which costs an extra $2,000 and draws fuel from your main tank and oil straight from the sump so you have a maintenance free accessory and you just need to take your car in to our dealer for its monthly propulsion engine rebuild because that is sealed for life so you can't check the oil that is being used.

But we are a very reliable brand because we call you in well in advance to slap you with a $15,000 bill because we are reputable and engines are wear items

>>15088093
also the headlights are flip-up and the flip mechanism is on the same vacuum system, and the headlights are non-replaceable and linked so if you burn one out, you have to change the whole headlight system on both sides.

>>15088081
>vaccum operated throttle
Press the pedal which opens a valve creating vaccum that runs to the throttle body and actuates the ten very small butterfly valves

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>>15088086
>mfw

the spark plugs are ran by magnetos and it has an all mechanical distributor

Cooling system designed by GM and Transmissions by Ford.

>>15088127
it only uses genuine Marvel Mystery Oil as the coolant.

Let Mercedes do QC

The radiator cap is at the bottom of the radiator.

>>15088127
axles by dodge and interior by toyota/jeep

The oil pan must be completely removed for an oil change

All internal engine components are non-servicable. Valve covers, timing cover, and oil pan are all welded to the block to prohibit access to anything. Engine replacement required for something as small as a valve adjustment.

>>15088160
the only way to check the oil is from a small sight glass on the oilpan which you can only see from under the car when the car is jacked up

The car is unlocked and started by voice activation, and only recognizes rural Chinese voices

Let Tesla design the battery tray.

>vehicle battery ends up fused to the chassis and entire vehicle requires replacement when battery is dead.

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>>15088209

it is non-adjustable 4-link and sfa

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>>15087948
FWD
We're all thinking it but nobody wants to say it

>>15088239
also its an I3 with a chevy transverse axle in it

It's assembled in a defunct Soviet era factory not in Russia

the whole dashboard is a screen and all controls including steering are controlled via touch

The air intake is mounted underneath the oil pan

>resurrect henry ford
>give him a 10 minute refresher on cars over the past 10 years
>tell him to design a 2016 engine, chassis and body for an all new ford
then scrap that car and just get regular ford employees to make a brand new car lel

You have to remove the head covers to access the spark plugs

You have to remove the intake manifold to access the head covers

>>15088334
it would be 100 HP detuned inline 4 on leaf springs and 4 drum brakes. it will cost 5000 dollars new. It can be ordered in any color, as long as that color is GRABBER BLUE

>>15088350
if you read the last sentence the joke is that whatever a fossil from the 1900's can create is on par with anything ford can create in 2016

>>15088364
I know, I just let my mind run wild after thinking about Ford making a modern "people's car"

>>15088059
So a C3 corvette? I'm serious, even the headlights like this >>15088081 anon suggested. It is vacuum hell.

>>15088319
Let Microsoft design the os

Vaccuum is created by a venturi effect with reversed hood scoops that pull air out of the engine bay

A single camshaft pushes pushrods which open valves that cause a vaccuum effect that spins the triple overhead secondary camshafts

Call subaru for the ringlands

Have ferdinand porsche design a supercar chassis even though it will end up being a facelifted golf/jetta

Windows are operated by central cranks on the console that are connected to the doors by an extensive pulley system.

seatbelt is attached to the door

>>15088578
Some.C3s even have the windshield wipers operates by vacuum :^)

>>15088079
this so much

but put the transmission in the front like a backwards 944

also use only mid 1970's Lucas electrics, preferably pulled from any british leyland car of that era.

It has a front bench seat with rear bucket seats

>>15088754
jesus christ

FWD

Wheel wells slightly too small so with new tires the tread scrapes on the inside before the steering hits full lock.

If your tires are worn it's no problem though.

>made by gm
>used to be v8 and rwd
>now is fwd econobox with a 4 cylinder or underpowered v6
>chrysler or gm quality (they're both equally shitty)

W12 with 10 of the pistons missing

The transmission is mounted by the rear drive wheels, making the drive shaft spin at the engine's RPM constantly before reaching the clutch

No hole to put the tow hook in.
Thin and expensive windshield that breaks while hitting potholes.

>>15088680
>Windows are operated by central cranks on the console that are connected to the doors by an extensive pulley system.
Oh dear.

Rear steer, outboard powered boat style. There's a lever you pull side to side instead of a steering wheel.

>>15088981
so basically a corvette

Reciprocating ball type steering with turns a smaller steering wheel connected to a non power rack an pinion setup. It will have solid rubber wheels on wood l alloy rims. for security purposes the steering lock is too vacuum operated.

A/C climate control does not allow setting up the temp.
Automatically set up at 120F/48C in summer and -40C/F in winter

>>15089219
Instead of freeon, A/C is cooled by an ice chest in the glove box. The glove box has a drip valve so that the melting ice has a place to go.

>>15087948
>RHD
>reverse pattern valve body automatic, without reverse pattern shifter.
>Transmission takes years to shift at full throttle and slams into every gear at anything under 75%
>brakes are electric, booster units are only special order from the dealer.
>Half metric half standard on every bolt in the car
>all bolts have triple square heads of different sizes
>6v electric system
>engine is inset so far into the body that you have to take the engine out to remove the valve covers
>trans tunnel is so close to the transmission you have to cut access holes in the floor to remove the bellhousing bolts.
>exhaust is routed through the cab
>Wiring is all the same color for every wire
>Rear end is a dana 25 front end is from an f body camaro
>sway bars on front and back are so stiff they lift the opposite wheel when going in and out of driveways
>battery replacement requires entire front end removal

Stanced from the factory

H-pattern automatic

The shifter is also an E-cigarette

>>15089302
That narrows branding to BMW.

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>>15087948
drum brakes all around using the retarded single spring design GM came up with that requires either 2 people, or a special tool to service.

>>15088248
>Put it in H!

>>15089331
I do this all the time by myself, git gud.

>>15089276
This is sounding dangerously like a 4th gen F-body.

>front end is from an f body camaro
welp

>>15089369
Normal drunk brakes are cake. Take a closer look at that picture. You'll notice everything is held in place by one horse-shoe shaped "spring". Getting it off is easy. Putting it back on? nightmare fuel.

>>15089409
>drunk
Drum. ducking autocorrect.

>>15089409
It's difficult yes, but nowhere near nightmare fuel.

>radiator cooled through heater vents in car
>bmw grill on front
>flat iron hood

>>15088165
Cars might be like that one day. "Oh yeah, electric motors and drivetrains etc. are impossible to repair because when one part shorts the whole thing shorts"

The car has a single-point EFI system with no built-in ECU : data from the sensors is refreshed at a 10 Hz rate and then sent by AM signal to a single Amstrad CPC in a basement on Tuvalu. It then sends back the FI sequence signal with a 56k modem back to the car.

>car will not start unless you have one hand on the steering wheel, your foot on the brake, handbrake on, gear in P, door shut, and seatbelt clicked in
>If the car is turned on, a loud repetitive beep sounds if you don't have at least one hand on the steering wheel, or you undo your seatbelt (even stationary in park)

>>15090702
sounds like any recent car

>>15090727

I maxed out the 'want to kill yourself' levels though

3 speed manual tranmission that automatically shifts by an small electronic crane that is holding on to the shift knob.

Image a crane similar to the claw game that grabs the shift knob and changes the gears for you with a small delay.

>>15088018
Or it's locked by an electronic lock that only dealers have access to. These locks are finicky and tend to fail often. And by failure I mean they seize up often.

Electronic handbrake that can only be used when the car is not moving

It beeps a lot if it detects you aren't buckled up.
It beeps a lot if you leave the lights on.
It beeps a lot if you don't turn the lights on.
It beeps a lot if it detects you aren't sitting square in the seat and has a pressure sensor for each buttock (American models have just one big sensor).
It beeps a lot if you park at an odd incline.
The steering wheel locks up if you park an an odd incline.

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>>15088692
Fucking Nissan

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>>15087948

Here you go

>>15090822
he said from hell not heaven

>>15090675
This, but steering is controlled the same way.

>>15088127
ford transmission failures arnt as common as people think they are. ford disables automatic transmissions if the CEL comes on.

All engine accessory replacement (AC compressor ps pump alternator etc) require engine removal. There's a hack involving removing the radiator and bumper cover though

>>15090856
Fix
Ot
Rgain
Dony

Heh heh heh

>>15090877
Fix
Or
Repair
Daily

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EVERYTHING made from plastic

>>15090933
Found
On
Road
Dead

>>15090944
Except for useless stuff, like caps and buttons are made of carbon fiber.

>>15088127
NO! let saab do the transmissions

>>15090877
>>15090933
>>15091087

Failed
On
Race
Day

>InB4 "nah anon it be 1st"

>>15088127
No, cooling system by BMW and transmission by Chrysler. Interior by GM circa 1992. Fuel tank designed and installed by Ford circa pinto days

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>>15087948
Anon, the car from hell has already been made.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y16ObVRvgOE

AWD, but it will only transfer torque to the rear wheels when it's needed, otherwise all torque will be at the front.

All cylinders fire at the same time.

Korean engine
Italian electronics
German transmission
Late American styling
Australian build quality
Service manual written in Zimbabwean
Swedish buyers market
French interior
Russian tires

>>15091656
American suspension geometry also :^)

>>15091112
make the radiator out of carbon fiber so it gets satrurated and fails every 10 miles

>>15088244
Even worse: inline 3 with a three speed automatic, longitudinal FWD transaxle.

>>15091656
French interiors are comfy and sometimes nice.

>>15087984
>really loud blowoff valves
That's a good thing

>sequential turbos bug only 6 pounds of boost
Should have amazing throttel response then.

>>15088754
And seat frames painted on the same assembly line as BMW F30 seat frames.

>>15088051
>the entire engine and all its parts are cast iron and solid
That would be durable though.

Oh, and EGR has to be on full blast all the time. And obviously vacuum operated. Should the vacuum lines be ordered from a no-brand scooter factory in PRC or from the same company that delivered Mercedes their wiring looms in mid 1990's?

>>15091656
Interior should be 90's - early 2000's Mopar. Literally the worst I've experienced

How about a flathead, triple cam (two exhaust cams, one central intake cam) V6 with 4 valves per cilinder?

>>15092900
How about cast iron monocoque?

Wheel and brakes on one side have to be removed to access the battery

>>15092957
Cast iron monocoque.

Repeat that aloud a couple times. It sounds like some kind of wierd fetish.

>2 stroke
>manual choke
>3 on the tree
>no power brakes
>no power steer
>>>15088065 this

>rear-engine, front-wheel drive
>3-speed automatic

>>15092936
the ECU should be vacuum-operated, with 2 million vacuum lines all made out of biodegradable rubber which disintegrates in 2 years

2 wheels in the back, one wheel in the front. FWD. Windows are static and can't be rolled down. No ac or heat option. Manual windshield wipers. No door locks. Engine has to be cranked by turning crankshaft via a breaker bar. Steering column and seats are non adjustable. Drum brakes operated by hand lever. 8 speed manual transmission with no reverse gear. No center console or arm rests on doors. Blinkers are operated manually by pulling a lever multiple times that pushes a flag off of the roof via a pulley system. Comes standard with a Bernie sticker.

>>15092880
It makes up for the actual engine taking away the advantages of both a rotary and a boxer configuration

>>15093029
>Blinkers are operated manually by pulling a lever multiple times that pushes a flag off of the roof via a pulley system

top jej

>>15088042
holy shit dude thats like the worst

>>15090784
>>15090702
We can work with this
>Excessively loud buzzer sounds from the moment the door is opened until you're seated, buckled in, and the door is closed
>If you try to drive over 110 km/h it beeps loudly and a speed governor kicks in
>If it thinks you are accelerating too quickly it beeps loudly and the governor slows you down
>Has one of those verbal "Be alert and obey traffic laws" messages some cars with nav systems have, but it plays it every 3 minutes while you're driving
>Music volume cannot be set higher than 4
>Buzzer sounds if a hand is removed from the wheel for over half a second
>Airbags all around you in the cabin, including in the seats under your ass

>>15089163
like bobcats and other excavator thingies

>>15093104
>tfw airbag in seat
It's a convertible, and the only option during a crash is ejection from drivers seat. Seat belt is actually just a rainbow flag parachute.

>>15090773
not everyone is drifter though, thats not a thing that many people would disagree on

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>>15093127
Maybe it has one of those collision detectors that automatically applies the brakes for you. But it also ejects you

>>15093153
>ejector seat sensor breaks and you get ejected whenever the car comes to a stop
>have to get up and run back to your car whenever you stop

ALL fasteners are overstock harbor freight hardware that didn't pass QC. Minimum torque spec is 150lbs.

>>15088042
We Kirby air ride nao

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Instead of flywheel its just a simple wheel with no centrifugal force, so the torque maxes out on combustion stage but is at zero during other stages. i drew something.

>Electrics designed by the same people who designed Alfa GTV's electrical system and made by same people who made 80's Jaguars electrical systems.

>GM/Opel 2.2 Direct Injection engine

>Timing chains made in some back alley shop in Bangladesh

>Audi Multitronic CVT-transmission with even cheaper electronics

>Cooling system from 80's BMW

>Vacuum operated everything from 80's Audi 200 / Audi V8

>Interior from 90's Chrysler like Voyager or Neon.

>Body rust protection designed by Mazda

>Optional AWD system from Opel Calibra

>>15091656
>French interior
Plain but comfy and surprisingly efficient. Citroëns on the other hand are godly, I mean they can be extremely stylish, sleek, clean and just all around beautiful.

>>15091418
So basically Honda crossovers. How about
>Awd
>only powers front wheels when going forward
>only powers rear wheels when going backwards
>so basically never lets the car be pushed by the trailing wheels even in low traction situations
>However does not disengage the free wheels causing them to still wear the components and create drivetrain loss

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>>15093309
IMO the worst has to be something like a Neon or Cavalier. It's repulsive

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Die-Cast Door handles

Aka X series Ford Falcon door handles.

>>15093359
The Neon and Cavalier hardly were luxurious or even trying.
They were extremely affordable shitboxes, functional and plain, nothing fancy or expensive in there, so a terribly bland interior is kinda a given. That being said, the French still have managed to make some relatively nice shitbox interiors, so has BMW although those hardly count as cheap shitboxes.

>>15093371
It had NA miata style handles only backwards

Transmission is a giant centrifugal clutch with chain an inch thick that often throws chain while driving forcing the driver to have to push the vehicle and quickly slide under the car to reattach it to the sprocket without getting their fingers chopped off. It also rattles and whines ungodly loud and is known to violently separate and rip through the cabin like a katana through a watermelon taking out anyones arms resting on the arm rest.
Oh and the friction material is plain untreated rubber that shreds in 100 miles or less and smells god awful when spinning up.

>>15093394
Yeah I'm not trying to critisize them for a spartan interior on a budget car. Only saying that spartan doesn't have to be disgusting, which in this case it is.

>>15093402
*SNAPPING INTENSIFIES*

>the car alarm goes off when you use the key to unlock the door

>car alarm goes off when you open trunk with key when car is locked

Seriously what the fuck Volvo? I get it, you want me to use the FOB, but fuck you keys are meant to unlock things.

>>15093430
My Subaru has that as well, no idea why the fuck this is a thing. If it was locked with the fob, unlocking it any other way triggers the alarm.
Why do you even give me the keys if you don't want me to use them?

>>15093421
I am going to play my
>Americans
>Interior design
card right here. I'm a fan of American cars, Chryslers mostly, but their interiors lately have been pure shit, especially in Chrysler products.
That new 300 on the other hand looks sweet, like it's downright beautiful. Much better than the gray mass from hell that was the 1st gen LX 300.

>>15093447
Yeah the new interiors in American cars circa ~2010 are a massive improvement. New Mopars and Fords are actually nice to sit in, and the dash doesn't have miles of puke-inducing plastic like everything in the early 2000's did

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>>15093468
This looks outright nice, especially when compared to my 2006 300C wagon. Here's hoping the quality and finish isn't as bad as the one in mine looks vomit inducing and everything barely fits in place. Like, everything just kinda is there and askew one way or another, rattles and creaks.
If the car wasn't such a blast to drive and a very spacious cruiser with a fucking cavernous carrying capacity, I'd gotten rid of it ages ago.

>>15093490
My mom got a 2011 Explorer a few years back, and it feels like a goddamn Maybach in comparison to models that are only like 5 years older
Though Ford interiors were never really as bad as Chrysler. I've ridden in ~2005 Chargers and the interior was repulsive

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>>15093547
I know, just look at this shit. I mean, really?
I might be a bit biased because I value my E32 7 series BMW above all other of my possessions and am a BMW fanboy, but even that thing has a nicer interior than this unsightly blob. Shit, that car is from the mid to late eighties and has such a nice interior, much nicer than some 2000-2010 cars in my opinion.

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>>15088153
Nice. Same for the windshield washer fluid.

>>15088659
And no USB, only IEEE 1394 ports.

>>15089257
The heat comes from exposed toaster-style heating elements draped from the ceiling.

>>15090675
Best addition yet.

>>15088177
This is better than modern BMWs with no dipstick

>>15093442
>>15093430
With my Hyundai all you have to double turn the key to disarm the alarm before you open the door if you armed it. Also it ignores the fob while the car is running which is annoying if you want to warm it up outside before you leave.

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The bar present in the passenger side of pic related is present in front of all seats in the car, but it's a bit larger and made of plain steel tubing one would find at Home Depot and painted black.

It's a FWD V8, with the transmission integrated into the middle of the block to provide equal length driveshafts. It runs shared oil for both the engine and transmission - 15W40 Rotella T6. To provide clearance in the engine bay, the motor is rotated 30 degrees to the rear of the vehicle - the rear bank spark plugs point downwards and are only changeable by either using a lot of extensions or removing the axles.

The fuel filter is mounted on the top of the gas tank, next to the sending unit. Changing the filter requires dropping the gas tank. To drop the gas tank you have to remove both the exhaust and the rear suspension.

The main engine computer is liquid-cooled and integrated with the washer fluid tank (which is made out of the finest 1980s Volvo marker light plastics).

The starter is mounted under the intake plenum.

The alternator is belt-driven off the left drive axle.

All body bolts are metric, all engine and transmission bolts are SAE, all interior bolts are protected Torx. The fuse panel cover is held on with two tri-wing screws.

The fuses use glass fuses for the heavy circuits and Maxi fuses for the interior circuits - except for the starter fuse, which is a screw-in house fuse from the 1960s.

It has reverse-threaded wheel studs on the passenger's side.

The spare tire is mounted to the engine cradle, and must be removed for oil changes. To drop the spare tire, you must turn a crank located next to the left hood hinge.

The hood does not use gas struts, springs, or a prop rod. You must supply your own 2x4 to hold it up. A convenient template is included in the owner's manual to guide you into cutting it to size.

The door latch is part of the body, and just has the latch pin on the door. The door handles are in the B-pillars, and are early 1990's Pontiac Grand Prix coupe handles.

All the suspension bushings are aluminum, with steel bolts lubricated with a salt paste before installation.

The front wheels are 5x108, the rear wheels are 4x115.

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>>15088031

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>>15094345

>>15094345
Jesus fucking Christ Satan

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>>15094345

>Front drum brakes, rear disc brakes
>Transverse mounted boxer 4 cylinder, rear wheel drive
>Rear mounted transmission
>Rear wheel steering like a forklift
>wheels are 6x95 all around
>everything is powered by a vacuum pump accessed by removing the front axle
>have to install the weatherstripping yourself, there is no adhesive pre-applied to it
>engine uses 20w50 oil
>everything is held together by drywall screws torqued to broken wrists
>radio is in the trunk, changing channels requires stopping the car and opening the trunk
>only one cupholder, by the C pillar on the driver's side
>A pillars are 6 inches wide
>Tachometer is mounted on the hood
>gas pedal is in the middle
>shifter goes side-to-side instead of up and down
>whenever you turn on the AC, it smells like burnt cheese
>the AC also pumps out fog from the vents
>the exhaust is routed through the A pillar, through the roof, then the C pillar, and out through the passenger side wheel well
>windows can only be completely open or completely closed
>the rear view mirror has one of those sun strips over half of it
>transmission is an 8 speed manual
>spare tire is mounted to underside of the hood
>seats have no back

Motorcycle version?
Brittle plastics cover everything and have hidden snap-retainers and differently sized screws, with the longest screws located underneath other plastics.

>>15093029
>Engine has to be cranked by turning crankshaft via a breaker bar
People wouldn't even drive it anywhere. They'd be in hospital

>>15087948
Bio Meat.

>>15094893
or better
>vacuum operated tachometer

>>15087948
>which require to be torqued to 150ft/lbs

No you will just break the bolts.

>>15095624
That's the point, it's the car from hell.

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>>15088042
This, but transmission is manual. the 1 pedal is the clutch. shifter has hand lever (see pic) for gas/break. must hold down for gas.

>>15091656
all tuned by saab

>designed by Germans
>built by Italians

>>15093359
>is actually surprised an economy car from the late 90s/early 00s doesn't have a godly interior


Interior cucks are the worse.

>>15096003
>designed in america