so I've been writing poetry and think I finally laid the

sound whiny as fuck

So touching
I should call my mother

>>74423240
>>74423244
it's based off a past traumatic experience...

>>74423273
so it is whiny as fuck, and you should call your mother.

It's catastrophically awful.

How are my lyrics /mu/? I'm trying to write without being rigid with rhyme.


I dreamed I saw prophet
Who declared the rapture's near
They threw him face first on the stones
Of a cobbled empty street

They beat him as he cried out
It's the lord that they should fear
Then they dealt a final fracture
And left him in a heap

I stood over the prophet
And I took his dying hand
He looked at me and whispered
And in his final breath was calm

I'll never forget what he said
As the blood dripped from his teeth
To always wash behind your ears
And to keep your scrotum clean

I've written some lyrics. Actually I've been working on this for a couple of years now but been too afraid to share with anyone. So here goes. Also, feel free to leave critics but please be constructive, I've worked very hard on this!
Here it is:

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

>>74423468
Why don't you want people to succeed

>>74423205
I think it's a bit too straight forward. You should work in a more filtered way. My opinion anyway.

>>74423205
thanks for the cringe

Seriously: really awful. go read some actual poetry.