>How to Make a Cult Classic Album >A Comprehensive Guide

File: loveless.jpg (698KB, 1000x1000px) Image search: [Google]

698KB, 1000x1000px

>How to Make a Cult Classic Album
>A Comprehensive Guide by Bilinda Butcher

- First off, empty your savings on cheap effect pedals and use them to create an extensive train. Turn the settings on every dial up to 10.
- Make sure you write your lyrics as shitty as possible; each line can have no more than 3 syllables full of loosely-related kindergarten words. It's part of le charm! Besides, we're going to mix the vocals so deep into the music that no one will ever be able to decode what the fuck you're singing about in the first place.
- About mixing the vocals, do everything in your power to obfuscate them. Try singing through a few pillows, even, just to make sure you really fuck up the vocals. But also record yourself singing the songs a ridiculous amount of times and overlap all of the takes so that it sounds like an army of heavily sedated versions of you singing with their mouths full of Kevin Shields' cum. That's the sound we were going for when mixing Loveless!
- Spend 90% of the time you use to record your record masturbating to the wonderful sounds of your own tinnitus. Trust me, it helps.
- Market to pretentious 'audiophiles' who haven't a clue what they're talking about. Make sure they bring up >MUH OBSCURE MELODIES and >WALLS OF NOIZE whenever they talk about your record. If someone doesn't like your album, tell them they aren't listening loud enough. The goal here is to really do your best to drive home that placebo effect about the record being a mind-blowing out-of-body experience if you listen to it loud enough and on the right equipment.
- Make sure you stare at your feet, frozen when performing live. Avoid having any stage presence whatsoever and play so loudly that people get dizzy because of the volume fucking with their inner ears.
- Recording has to be as slow and extravagantly expensive as possible. Do everything in your power to make sure whatever cute little indie label you're signed to tanks single-handedly because of your band.