When you're in bed and you fart and it's wetter

>>30526912
Now copy that text and put it in a white text box and then put the image under it like those niggermemes.

But what face do you make when you shart yourself in public?

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>>30527001

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>>30527001

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>>30527001
>When you try to fart inconspicuously, but you accidentally shit your pants.

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>When you shit your pants and find blood in your underwear.

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>>30527036
I know this feel

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>>30527001
>when you're in the middle of having diarrhea in a public restroom and a bunch of strangers walk in

>roleplaying

>the

>>30527080
Wait, this one is actually hilarious for everyone involved.

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>>30527080
>when you're having one of those sticky shits that takes an entire roll of paper to clean your ass, but it's a sick shit at the same time and the smell is like dead animal carcasses as your stomach does flips
>then you have to peek through the stall to make sure no one is in sight so you can beeline right for one of the sinks because all that wiping inadvertently left you with a few smears on the sides of your hand

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>>30527080
>mfw I walk into a restroom and hear someone nuking the toilet with explosive diarrhea.

>samefagging

>thread

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>>30527080
When you go through complete dysentery and all your blood and organs leave through your anus while you're trying to keep it cool at your best friend's wedding.

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>when you like anon but are currently locked in a shed and hear a thumping noise and some female moans

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>>30527126
>and unfortunately its one of those restrooms with the sensor faucets, so you're waving your shit-hands like a retard trying to make the magic water happen and it keeps shutting off after three-second intervals making you cuss up a storm
>and the smears won't come off easily as you need to rub extra hard to get it out of your pores
>you don't even remember eating peanuts but the few that got stuck to your hand are now half-clogging the drain
>and no matter how much soap you use your hand smells of shit for the next two hours

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>>30527036
I don't know this feel because I am a master at farting inconspicuously
git gud at farting quietly, you pleb

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>tfw this conversation is fascinating to take notes on

>>30527204
Quiet but deadly is thrice as noticeable and not as easy to walk away from without it clinging to you like sweaty underwear.

hmm...

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>mfw I let out an SBD once and walked away before a little girl waltz through my toxic gas and asked her mother why it was so stinky.

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>tfw Scootaloo explodes

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>>30526912
>tfw not a single fart fetishist

dead board

>>30527273
fuck yourself with a spear.

>Pinkiefag makes a thread about flatulence
>Other pinkiefags proceed to join in
Wow worse pony confirmed.

>>30527273
go to bed james

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When you're rife with devastation
There's a simple explanation:
You're a toymaker's creation
Trapped inside a crystal ball

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>tfw you're in a job interview and your Taco Bell gurgles and you think you need to fart but really a little Scootaloo comes creeping out from between your cheeks.

Why fart ?
its wasting everybody's time , just shit Pinkie
do it... now !

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Why is Pinkie always taking a shit?

>>30527863
Sugar.

Lots of anons out there need more fiber in their diet

>>30527865
Spice.

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>>30527865
I PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE EVERYDAY
A MAN'S SPORT
WITH A BULLET CALLED SHIT

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>when you fart and instantly start prairie-dogging

>>30528157
>when you end up stimulating yourself to a boner this way

>>30528256
Okay, wut.

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This whole fucking thread is shit and I can't stop laughing.

>>30527001

Americans must know

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>>30527126
This is my reaction to that

>>30527126
one reason why I hate public restrooms. I like to wet the Toilet paper as well to make sure that all the shit gets washed off my anus as well.

>>30527936
and everything noice/

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>>30527865
>>30527936
>>30529145
These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect shit. But Professor pinkie pie accidentally ingested an extra ingredient... CHEMICAL X

>>30527462
And whichever way he tilts it...
Good memories dude. We need to go back.

>>30527036
The trick is to spread your cheeks somehow without anyone noticing.

>>30527273
AnimatedJames is out of the business, senpai.

>>30527241
I laughed

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What a shitty thread

>>30529666
CARLOS YOU SATANIC PIECE OF SHIT!

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>>30527182
Holy fuck dude. Under what circumstance do you actually get shit on your hands, no matter how bad the situation is? I can understand like a tiny amount, but you make it sound like you use your fingers to scrape it out.

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>>30526912

>when you're at work and you have a sudden need to shit
>try to hold it in
>fart
>actually sharted
>all your coworkers see your shit-stained pants and laugh
>quit your job out of embarrassment

>>30530371
Sometimes there's like one square of roll and you have explosive diarrhoea.

>>30530371

>tfw have IBS

Seriously, this is a fucking weekly thing for some of us, be glad you don't have it. Worst part is how suddenly you have to take shits and it's usually just caused by having anxiety over something. You always have those awful wet shits that take 10 years to clean.

>>30530468
>You work at surgery.

>>30530477
I've had similar with lactose intolerance and other things. Still haven't run into the situation of having to use my fingers to wipe. I keep an emergency stash of "flushable" wet wipes just in case. I know it's bad for plumbing, but that's why it's for emergency.

>>30527130
twoshits.jpeg

>>30526912
>"Hang on, that's blood!"

>>30526912
That face you make when you think to yourself, "When did I last eat peanuts?"

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>this thread

>>30530652
>"Whew!"

>>30530682

*BraaAAaAaAAAPPP*

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>>30530708

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>>30526912
Why are we still here

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>>30526912

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>when you're almost to the toilet but you've started filling your pants

>>30527130
>nuking the toilet with explosive diarrhea
I can't stop laughing

>>30530802

just to suffer

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>>30527001

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>>30527001

>>30530477
>Worst part is how suddenly you have to take shits and it's usually just caused by having anxiety over something.
I get that way in close situations with girls. It's so rare though i just tallied it up to actual nerves instead of IBS.

I think I might actually have IBS

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>When you work at a hotel, all the rooms are occupied and the only available employee bathroom is 150+ meters away, not counting obstacles.

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>>30531340
>when you make it to the toilet but it comes out as you drop your pants

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>>30531345
>mfw I once saw a pair of shit-stained underwear stewing in a toilet full of dook, as if its previous owner was two seconds too late and blew the motherfucker off of his ass.

>>30530682
anyone have a quick rundown on these two?

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When you're on anti-depressants and take an hour to shit.

>>30531817
Opioid pain killers are worse. Hate that stuff.

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>When you wait to long on the toilet and the shit dries in your crack

>>30531825
I'm slowly weaning myself off of zoloft after finding out it's the cause of my overactive bladder and retention. shitsucks.

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>when you start taking whey protein because you want to get bulky so you go for a run and then kilometers in it feels as if someone spawned lemonade juice inside your asshole so you 360° back to the house making a funny walk since you're using all your ass muscles to keep it in as the asshole is already giving up but you start to feel liquid coming out and you are wearing shorts because it's hot so you start tearing for all the pressure and you got no papper on yourself, so you continue on your way while your asshole twitches in a way you never felt before like if someone was rubbing it with toothpaste from the inside out, finally you decide you just can't take it anymore so you awkwardly do your funny walk into someone's front garden, hide behind the fence and simultaneously bring your pants down, crotch and instantly shit yourself.
>Tfw some liquid comes out and a micro piece of shit
>Tfw had to sacrifice underwear

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>>30527001
POW

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>When you're at work in a warehouse and end up sharting yourself but can't visit the toilet because it is clogged and flooded to the floor, so you look around to see nobody is there and start wiping with tissues to salvage whatever you can of your pants, and mid-way through pulling out shitty tissue from within your pants a coworker walks in and you make eye contact with him

>>30526912
One time I was in bed watching internet videos at the middle of the night when I noticed my farts were getting kind of excessive.
Time to poop I thought. But then as I was going up the stairs I heard noises from the kitchen, it was my sister and her friend getting some night time food.
I can't poop with people around, I just don't work like that. Thats why I like to take night dumps.
I went into the kitchen and said hi and such and pretended I just wanted a glass of milk before I went back downstairs to wait for them to finish getting food and fuck off.
Going down the steps I noticed my butt pressure reaching urgent levels and I was not going to trust it being a fart.
They didn't fuck off though, they ate in the kitchen. I waited several minutes listening for any footsteps upstairs, my butt pressure increasing every moment.
I started pacing around trying to hold it in, but it grew more and more difficult.
I noticed my little paper bin that I had just put a new bag in. Its a disney princess bucket that I got when I ordered a family sized popcorn a few years back that I now use for trash.
It was getting to the point where I was seriously starting to think of emergency plans if I couldn't hold it.
A few moments more of the pressure building up and I felt it wasn't going to hold. I wasn't about to poop my pants, so the bucket had to do.
I dropped my pants, spread my cheeks and sat down on the bucket. Instantly a torrent of hot burning shit spewed out of my ass.
I had eaten nothing but fried chicken for the past two days since I was trying out recipes to cook it myself and this was the result.
Sitting there I was thinking of what I had done.. and what I had become. But then the stench hit me.
It was the fruitiest sewage I had ever experienced. Thank god it was my own brand because I don't think I could have stomached it otherwise

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>>30526912
Neato thread /b9k/

>>30532186
I sat there for a while waiting for my butt to stop and my sister to get out of the kitchen.
When I heard them leave I grabbed the toilet paper I keep in my room for non-poopwiping reasons and cleaned up as best as I could before putting my pants on as loosely as possible before heading up to the toilet to get my ass properly cleaned.
Once that was done I went back into my room to deal with the fresh sack of shit I had left for myself. I tied up the bag and took it with me outside, leaving all doors open, hoping to get rid of the smell.
This is when I found out that it was garbage day and the garbage bin had been taken down the street where the garbage truck stops and it hadn't been brought back yet.
I dropped the poop bag outside the front door while I went inside to get some shoes on.
As I walked down the street with a bag of liquid poop I counted myself lucky that I had just recently bagged my trash bucket and that the bag didn't have any holes in it.
I got to the garbage bins and threw the bag into it. It was completely empty and I heard the turdbag splat on the bottom of the bin.
It would stay like this for a week before the next garbage truck picks it up.
I go home pleased with myself for having shit in a bucket without anyone noticing, just so I could avoid having anyone nearby when I shit in a toilet.


Just something I had to get off my chest.

>>30532195
That reminds me of the time I took my little brother to his open house and the teacher explained about the bucket they used in lockdowns. Thanks to your post, I now know what it would be like to shit in a bucket. Thanks anon.

>>30530477
I've been having awful anxiety lately (may need to increase my med dosage) and trips to the bathroom have not been good at all. i've been eating less and less. i feel awful anon

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>>30531839
I'm currently on zoloft too, I think i need to get my dosage increased really soon because i've been feeling awful, its effected my gut and its making me eat less. I'm like on 155mg right now..should I try a new medication?

>>30532265
Yes. Stop zoloft before it starts making you piss 20 times a night like mine did.

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>>30531610
Jesus.

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>When you're 30 miles from home and you cramp so bad that you're practically standing in your car trying to get some relief from the pain but can't fart due to collateral damage, and there's no good place to stop in between

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>When a fish swims its way up your urethra

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>>30530477
Dude. Please accept my most sincere condolences, and a roll of super soft tissue.

I have crohn's disease, and it's every bit as shit. Blood/Shit everywhere because there's so much of it it soaks the tissue and coats your fingers/hands.
And it gets stuck in your fingerprints which is a complete bugger to get out.
It either stains everything yellow due to the anti-inflammatory stuff you try to control it with, or black if you take iron tablets due to blood loss.

>fun story you guys might get a lol out of
I ate close to 60 immodium caps over the course of 3 days once because I got so sick of all this bullshit I just wanted some peace.
I had a magical week of not shitting, followed by 90 minutes of being trapped in a draughty stall at work with tears running down my face, and blood and shit all over my hands as I goatsed out a solid brown cast of my bowel.

I had to break it up with my keys to get it out, and I left 3 fist-sized lumps in the bowl which by then resembled a murder scene.
I don't eat immodium with quite so much enthusiasm any more.

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>Be me.
>Taking a mighty shit.
>Shitgun/Shotgun style (when everytime you push shit goes fucking everywhere and stains the toilet)
>I was in my institute's bathroom and in class hours so I was alone.
>Suddenly the door opens.
>maybe it's the Scruffy or something.
>But I can't listen any steps.
>Wot
>I'm a very superstitious person but I try to calm down.
>I try to listen closely.
>Sounds of nails hitting the floor.
>I was thinking: "Get your shit together Anon"
>I couldn't.
>In the next 6-7 minutes (that felt like hours) I was sweating and my ass sounded like a fucking AA-12.
>The sound of the nails kept getting stronger
>I looked at my left and saw
>Pic VERY RELATED
The bathroom was in the fucking 4th floor. How did he go up?

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>>30533114

>>30533114
>You have been visited by the Stall Invading Pupper
>Good shit and prosperity will come to you but only if you reply "Get your shit together."

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>tfw your friend startles you awake and you reflexively shit your bed in self defense

>>30533759
Get your shit together.

>>30533759
Get your shit together!

Threads like these remind me where I am and make me happy

>>30533759
Get your shit together.

>>30533759
Get your shit together.

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>tfw you blame it on the dog

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>Be me.
>10th birthday.
>Family got me handmade Lightning McQueen cake.
>I was a weird kid that didn't like cake but loved fondant icing.
>My family sing happy birthday and I blow out the candles.
>I peel of McQueen's fondant shell and take a bite.
>tastesbadman.png
>Like really bad, have to force myself not to gag
>"How is it anon?"
>"I-Its delicious"
>"I should hope so, it cost us a lot of money to get this hand made!"
>When family isnt looking I cram McQueen's empty husk in my back pocket.
>"mmmm! That was great! Im gonna go to the bathroom real quick!"
>Dart upstairs
>Drop car skin in toilet
>"ka-chow motherfucker"
>The fucker clogs to toilet
>Decide to shit in the toilet so my family dont realise I didnt eat the cake
>Take said shit and tell family toilet is clogged
>We have no plunger so my dad calls in a plumber
>Plumber starts unclogging the toilet as my dad and I watch
>He unclogs it and everything gets flushed down
>disaster averted
>suddenly toilet makes a gurgling sound
>Lightning McQueens face is regurgitated and stares at all three of us with blank, soulless eyes
>nobody says anything as plumber flushes toilet again
>plumber left as quickly as he could
>parents made me see a doctor about my bowels
>parents still think I have bowel problems to this day

>>30532888
>I ate close to 60 immodium caps over the course of 3 days once because I got so sick of all this bullshit I just wanted some peace.
>I had a magical week of not shitting,

You should consider yourself lucky you didn't wind up with a fatal bowel impaction.

>>30531725
>Fancy Pants bows to Flim Flam brothers
>In contact with EqG world
>Possess immeasurable charm and quicktalk abilities
>Control Equestria with an iron but fair hoof
>Own castles and banks kingdom-wide
>Direct descendants of the ancient alicorn bloodline
>Will bankroll the first cities on the moon (Flimflamgrad will be the first city)
>Own 99% of tonic research facilities in Equestria
>First designer foals will in all likelihood be Flim Flam foals
>Both brothers are said to have 215+ IQ, such intelligence in Equestria has only existed deep within magic monasteries and forbidden library wings
>Ancient zebra scriptures tell of two ponies who will descend upon Equestria and will bring an era of enlightenment and unprecedented technological process with them
>They own technology R&D labs around the world
>You are likely using a Flim Flam patent right now
>The Flim Flam brothers are in regular communication with the Windigos, forwarding the word of harmony to the Royal Castle. Who do you think set up the meeting of the Elements of Harmony and Nightmare Moon (first meeting between the two parties in over 1000 years) and arranged the ascension of the Elements’ leader to alicorn status just a short time later?
>They learned fluent Prench in under a week
>Nation states entrust their gold reserves to the brothers. There’s no gold in Ft. Knyx, only Ft. Flim Flam
>The brothers are about 7 decades old, from the space-time reference point of the base pony currently accepted by our society
>In reality, they are timeless beings existing in all points of time and space from the Big Bang to the end of the universe. We don’t know their ultimate plans yet. We hope they’re benevolent beings.

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>>30532888
>a magical week of not shitting
Reminds me of that guy who ate a bunch of MREs and didn't shit for a week.

>>30531038
[sound of squealing train breaks slowly getting louder]

>>30527080
>Using a public restroom

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>when the backlog of gaseous pressure and having one in the firing chamber combine with your acrobatic abilities to produce creative results

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>>30532186
>>30532195
Holy shit, Anon. That may have been one of the shittiest stories I've ever heard.

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>>30534562
>>"ka-chow motherfucker"

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>Holding in a mighty monolith of a shit at a resturant
>Some other asshole has been in the only stall all fucking night
>Prairie dogging hard
>Stand up to got check if said asshole is done yet
>Sneeze

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When you're climbing up a ladder and you feel something splatter.

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>>30533114
>>30533759
Get your shit together.
Holy shit that was hilarious.

>>30533759
Get your shit together

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Used to work at a major NJ university doing research. I walked into the men's bathroom, and there was this terrible smell. I had to go #2, so I ducked into the first stall. There to my surprise and horror was the longest piece of fecal matter I had ever seen. It was so disturbing I had to put my hand in front of my face to block out the view. I flushed he toilet with my foot, but to my horror it wouldn't go down. I left quickly and found another bathroom to deal with my bodily requirements. I've always referred to this event as the anomaly.

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>>30533759
Get your shit together.

>Be me
>At the local hardware store picking up some hardware
>Sudden urge to let one loose
>Walking around the store with my ass clenched
>Wanting to get out of earshot
>Feels like its gonna be a loud one
>Spread cheeks slightly
>Try to squeeze it out
>Silent
Whew.
>What's that
>Wet feeling in my pants
Shit.
>Hobble over to the restroom
>Not wanting to take off my boots
>Drop my jeans
>Cut underwear off with pocket knife
>Throw in toilet
>Flush
>It didn't flush.
Ohwell.jpg
>Walk out of store asap
>Didn't get my hardware.

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>>30536926
>Go back the next day
>Purchase hardware
Finally.png
>Cashieer says he remembers me
You do?
>Says he's the guy that had to plunge the toilet with a pair of underwear in it
>Accuses me of being the owner of said underwear
No, I went to take a whizz.
>Orlly.wav
>Says I was the last one out before he went in
Sorry man, I don't have time for this right now.
>I walk out

I now have to drive 20 minutes to reach the next hardware store.

>>30536929
What did you want from the hardware store?
Also,
>Not telling them you found it like that, then demanding they improve their sanitation or a discount.

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>tfw you are trying to sleep at night but a raging boner keeps you awake

>>30533759
Get your shit together

Has anybody here ever fallen asleep while using a sex toy? I once fell asleep without pulling out of my rowan. I woke up about four hours later still in it and hard. For a while I was a little numb and the toy left a little bit of its texture impressed.

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>>30528898
And the award for underrated post goes to this faggot

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>When you're taking one of those flu shits that smells like all of India is having a party in the toilet
>And you hear from the next stall over
>"Whewhee! Smells like something died! You okay in there, buddy?"
>No, I'm not okay and nothing will ever be okay again
>And I really don't want to have a pleasant conversation while my asshole is gaping like a dead fish, thank you very much
>Groan out an affirmative, hoping my state of sickness dissuades him from bothering me further
>"Ha! Had something that didn't agree with you, did ya?"
>Dear god man! Have you no decency? No sympathy for your fellow man?!
>"Tell you hwat-" please don't "I remember this one time-"
>Scream internally while he grunts and farts through a story no one wanted to hear
>Some guy chuckling by the urinals just encourages him onwards
>I'm dying in here and these two are making small talk
>Have to have that awkward moment upon exiting the stall and force a smile like they weren't being a bother at all
>Quietly wash hands and try to gun it out of there without seeming like a jerk
There's a time and a place for friendship, /mlp/! A TIME AND A PLACE!

>>30534654
Yep. Doctor dressed me down p. good for that. And I, being a dumb fuck, deserved it.

>another shit story
I got woke up in the middle of the night once feeling cold after a bit of an unsettled day.
You know when you get up like that you're a bit dense and groggy?
Well, I was pretty much coccooned in my quilt so it took a moment for it to register that I was in that supposedly comfy situation, and yet also cold.

As soon as I unwrapped the quilt to get out of bed I discovered exactly why I was cold. And that 'unsettled' may have been an understatement. I instantly went from a bit cold, to utterly freezing.
The entire inside of the quilt (and thus, me) was thouroghly coated in a sticky mixture of blood, mucous, and shit. During the night I had evidently 'lost' a gamble I had no idea I was taking, and my movements (hurr) during the night had spread it most efficiently around the available area.
That's when the smell hit. Crohn's shit has a very distinctive smell, and it had been trapped in this moist tube prison for who knows how long, and now it was free.
>commence immediate heaving
I had to change the entire bed, and start it hot soaking and washing at some fuckearly time in the morning. And then it turns out I have to wash the matress too because it's seeped through.
And when you take various medicines, including (especially) iron supplements, it STAINS like a dye from hell.

I have a shitload of these stories. Crohn's is fun.

>Once tried to an hero by jumping off of a bridge
>Bridge wasn't high enough
>Broke both legs and fractured my pelvis
>Evacuated bowels upon impact.
>1 year in a hospital unable to move gives you alot of time to think.
>Also the year i discovered pone

>>30538564
Try again

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>Have urge to shit inside a resturant
>Go to the first stall
>Chocolate annaconda leading from the middle of the floor into the toilet
>Ponder how such a thing would be possible
>Either he walked out of the stall while feeding the rope
>Or this thing was sentient and after eating its host decided to crawl out after more prey
I was terrified.

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>>30533759
Get your shit together

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>>30538144
>not fucking calling them out

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>>30539150
holy shit that is awful

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And then there is me, having no stories to share.
maybe that's a good thing

>>30538144
Gotta agree with >>30539173 here.
You're a cuck.

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>>30538450
Having this shitter of a disease you frequently develop a MIGHTY NEED that must be evacuated IMMEDIATELY lest you face dire consequences for holding it.
Like the feeling of a million red hot spikes invading your delicate places until your sphincter muscle cramps and it comes out anyway no matter how hard you try not to.
And it hurts like a motherfucker every moment you hold it.

On one such occaision I barely made it to the pan in time, and exploded as soon as contact was made with the seat.
However, such was the force of the expulsion that the ejected brown found it's way into some interesting places.
>the entire bowl
>under the seat
>back of testicles and legs
>the adjacent wall
>on the floor opposite the wall
>up the underside of the raised seat lid
>up my back
>in my hair

>>30539200
Praise Nurgle!

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>tfw you rip a 15 second long fart and you check to see if you sharted and it's all nice and dry

Am I the only one here who likes to let out a long wet fart at the end of a long day?
maybe it's because that's my fetish

>>30538021
Dude this fucking happened to me too. I had JUST managed to insert my new 2.5 diameter plug for the first time and I laid down on my stomach to get used to the pressure and stretching. And then fell asleep for 4 hours. The plug stayed in but, damn, did my ass feel loose when I pulled that out.

One time I literally shit a rainbow. I had eaten a family sized box of Trix cereal among other vibrantly colored things the day before, and when I took my first shit of the day I laid a rainbow-colored log. The colors were almost in the right places, dark purple, blue, greenish fading to brown and then a smattering of reds all in a row. I knew no one would ever fucking believe me so I tried to take a pic using one of those old Polaroid cameras, but of course the fucking film was fucked and the moment was lost. You'd have had to have been there, Anon, but damn it was something.

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>>30538596
>Ponder how such a thing would be possible
One time at a park, I went into a restroom that had only one toilet in there, and it was full of shit. I had to take a piss, so I flushed it first. It must've been clogged because the fucking water started rising up and spilling out of the toilet along with a king-kong-sized turd.

>at a freeway rest stop once
>had to fucking shit hard
>fill the bowl with diarrhea
>use a roll of tp just to clean up
>go to flush
>handle broken
>toilet was actually out of order
>whoops
I know it's decades late coming, bu to the unfortunate soul who had to deal with that morbid stew, my deepest apologies.

>>30540571
Whenever i go into any bathroom, i flush the toilet just to be sure. I never want to put someone through the miles of shit I've done

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>>30527001
My spider scents be tingling

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>>30527001
What about at work?
"Sir I gotta go!"
>"Looks like you already went."

>>30540683
That poor Intel guy.

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>>30540727
Y-yeah I would hate to be h-im.

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>be participant in Ponyville's running of the leaves
>leg muscles cramp up
>anus experiences a momentary lapse of control and releases yesterday's everything all down your legs
>tfw 10 miles to go

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>>30540486

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Had to get my prostate checked because I was anally raped
Accidentally pooped on the doctor.

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>>30541255
My condolences.

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>>30541255
>You know Anon, I'd expect to at least be treated to dinner first.

>>30541428
OH SHIIIII

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>tfw guts tell you you're in store for a big fart and you unleash the beast
>tfw it's much MUCH more than you expected and goes on for more than a minute, sounding like some abo going to town with a didgeridoo

>>30538090
thanks pally

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>>30526912
FUUUUUCK YOU THIS LITERALLY HAPPENED TO ME

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>>30539748

Once ago i was with my cousins. We were making time in any random street before go to the cinema. Suddenly liquid shit start to say hello inside my ass. I say that i need to shit right now and we start to search any store with a bathroom. I literally start to blow kisses with my ass because the river of shit trying to escape. We finally find a bathroom. I poop a waterfall of shit.
>NoPaper.jpg
I had to wash my ass with my hands but i felt happy for not shit in my pants.

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>Fart so loud you wake yourself up

>>30537118
This, or when you're trying to focus on something but nope.

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>tfw laughing my ass off to all these horrible stories but ate like a pound of sauerkraut because of a really bad headache and know the devil has entered my intestines, but that's okay because I have a high fiber diet but actually today I didn't eat my oat bran so im not protected

>>30540741
What you guys going on about?

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>when your friend invites you to her house for the first time
>and you're seconds from shitting yourself
>but her roommate is taking a shower in the only bathroom
>and then she asks you if you'd like to hang out in her room for awhile

>>30542376
Looking forward to your experience anon

>>30539416

Thanks for teaching me what causes this to happen in the bathrooms at my work.


As for me, I've completely fucked myself. Held my shit for a week my first time at summer camp for scouts. The shit that resulted tore my asshole so bad I had massive hemorrhoids. Being the little shit I was, I said nothing to anyone and continued to bleed and transform all toilets to red for around a month post ass ripping shit. Because I didn't treat the hemorrhoids, I now have the pleasure of getting some nice blood any time I have a semi-hard or big or long shit. Why I was such a little retard is a mystery to me, but I've given myself a life of chronic hemerrhoids. Nothing compared to crohn's, but still fun.

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>Be me, on a train
>A few days ago got mild poisoning from pizza
>These days were aplenty with wet shits and dying stomach
>Feeling the urge again
>Problem is: 1. On upper bed, time wasting getting down, 2. Toilets might be occupied
>As fast as possible go down, hoping to prevent nuclear fallout
>Get to the closest toilet, Assclenchers inc. will be overrun any second now
>Reach for handle
>guesswhat.jpg
>It is occupied
>Try to awkwardly shuffle to the other end of the wagon, to the other toilet
>Halfway there, not too long now
>CNPPexplosion.mov
>Can feel wettest shit going down my legs
>Underwear and socks are done for
>With greatest shame go to the toilet, throw away the underwear and try to clean up
>Sock named Fred has to go as well, leaving his twin George behind

And that is why I had to go out at an emergency rendezvous point 200~ish kilometers from my destination for medicine and spend 2 hours with shat pants

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>>30533114
I haven't laughed that hard in weeks. Thanks(?) Anon.

>>30542705
rip Fred

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>Tfw you gamble on a fart and lose

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>>30529306
Nice

Has anyone used tp and some warm water to stretch your sphincter over time so your shits are smooth as butter?

>>30543029
please explain how

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Why does this thread exist?

Why does this thread have 150+ replies?

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>>30527001

>>30536624
I told the grad students about the "anomaly". Of course they were intrigued by such a sighting! It was like the Big Foot came to town or something. I don't fucking know. What I do know is that they intrepidly went to exam the monstrosity of fecal matter, the tenacious coil of human waste fighting the good fight. Needless to say, it was a life changing and affirming moment for them. I was glad to have played just a small part in it.

>>30543151
Because you touch yourself at night

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>>30533759
>File
Get your shit together.

>>30527001
Asking the important questions.

>>30532666
Careful, Satan. You might bring the prophet here!

>Have flu
>Fart a lot
>Go to bed after hour long shit and wipe
>Fall asleep to my various farts.
>Wake up and my whole room smells like farts
>I check my underwear
>No shit stains
>Open door
>Fart smell flies out into the Hall and is spread everywhere thanks to the fans and vents in the house
>Whole house smells like my farts
>Still tries to Lysol room.

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>when you wonder what happens if you were to take a shit and orgasm at the same time
>so you try it and it destroys all the muscles in your abdomen

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>when you realize that anal fissures are a thing

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>>30542470
Hell, Crohnfag here.
I thought you might like to know there is only 1 toilet in my house, and there are 3 people.
If it is occupied and the MIGHTY NEED sounds it's call to action, I am presented with the following choices:
>suffer in silent agony until the occupier vacates the holy porcelain
>knock on the door and pray whichever smug cunt in there isn't feeling super capricious and thus takes thier time because reasons
>bypass the above and shit into a plastic bag

Speaking of plastic bags, here's something fun!
When I first found out I had this piece of shit (hurr), the guy I worked for then thought I was making everything up as an excuse to avoid doing any work because it doesn't look like there is anything wrong with me.
Things went back and forth for a while, and arguments were had, tempers were frayed, etc. etc.
Anyway, things got to the point where he was demanding evidence I was actually going to the toilet instead of I dunno, fucking off to the pub or something. I don't think he thought that through all that well, because I being both a cunt, and very angry, took that quite literally and procured a ziploc bag, wrote "exhibit A" in marker on it, then took it with me on my next trip to the toilet and filled it with "evidence".
The bag was then duly presented as was requested.
>commence suit heaving, tears and general drama

I got a written warning for that, and if it weren't for the general distaste decent people have for disabillity discrimination I probably would have been dismissed.
The union steward who was looking after me at the time gave me an "I'm disappointed in you" speech, followed immediately by "if you ever make me have to bite my tongue to stop myself from laughing in front of these bastards again I'll kick your arse".

Was it the right thing to do?
>absolutely not
Did he deserve it?
>hell fucking yes

Are you lot tired of my my shit stories yet?
I have 15 years worth of them here....

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>>30545409
>assuming strangers won't enjoy stories centered around shit-based misery
It's like you don't even know where you are! Go on!

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>>30545123
>anal fissures
Wait, what?

>>30545547
It's when your shit is so big it literally rips your bunghole open. But the WORST part is as it's healing up - because if you take another shit in the next day or so you'll intimately feel your mended flesh ripping open again on the seam.

>>30545409
I love every story itt

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>>30542473
Wasntterrible/10
>be me, terrible sinus infection
> upper gums are sore as shit and head hurts like hell
>usually eat sauerkraut for headaches and toothaches
>just shovel mouthfuls in to cure me
>only remember an hour later about the effects
>feel some gas coming
>open the valve
>dead silent, on strange waters now
>stand up
>literally sitting on ass water
>fug ruined new underwear
>move to toilet
>my ass had called in CAS (sounded like a fucking A10)
>liquud spurted out like I'd struck oil
>a few cannon balls roll off deck and plop
>shit conpleted and cant smell anything because sinus infection and stuffy nose
>try to wipe
>fuck it up and get it on my hand and spread it on my cheeks
>look down at the murkey pool of brown water
>flush but little nuggers down wanna go down
>wash my ass cheeks, ass hole, and balls
>feels good but need more underwear
Actually, I'm not sure if I'm out of the woods yet, my stomach still rumbles a bit

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>>30545740
>eating sauerkraut
>ever
My anus trembles just thinking about it.

>make 3S in the morning
>shit comes before shower
>clean asshole real good
>eat normal food, no strange recipe or stomach killers
>fart normally, no long time
>skid mark is still there

How in the fuck? I literally shove half the soap inside and that brown line is still there!

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>>30546279
OMG THIS.

>>30545567
Fissures are terrible. They are weaksauce compared to fistula though.
Thankfully I've been lucky enough to avoid both (so far).

>A fistula is an abnormal channel or passageway connecting one internal organ to another, or to the outside surface of the body
Your bowel is connected directly to something else.
And it allows things to traverse that channel, so you can have shit leaking from holes in your skin and there is exactly fuck all you can do about it. And it constantly gets infected, and pussed up.
This is some next level nightmare bullshit, and proof that Nurgle is real.

Rando story:
I once ate a can of plain tomato soup. It's plain cream of tomato, bland and inoffensive. Had it many times with no effect beside a warm happy feeling.
It was delicious.

Later that night the gurgling and grumbling started going into overdrive, followed by cramping, dashing, and shotgunning the porcelain with high pressure blood and misery.
After a good 40 mins of wiping and dribbling, I managed to get myself cleaned up and drag myself downstairs and rummage through the kitchen bin and fish out the can for the soup.
Reading through the ingredients, I get to the end of the list and find something that wasn't there on the previous tin:
>Colouring - Paprika extract
THE MOTHERFUCKERS
These cunts only went and changed the ingredients and didn't bother the put a label on it or anything.
And I spent THREE ENTIRE DAYS shitting like a gunge machine on a kids saturday morning gameshow because of these ignorant skidsniffers chasing either some tiny money saving, or the seemingly popular "add chili to everything" fad.

This is how I learned to check ingredients on everything without exception.
It is amazing just how commonly used capsaicin is in the randomest of things. And they are all OFF LIMITS.

Bump for more booty bursting.

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>>30546567
>one digestion cycle after you ate a bunch of chili peppers on a dare

>>30544768
Wait, is it possible?

Weird, looks like you can't bump this thread.
Testing bump.