Thank you for shopping with Hassenfeld Brothers Bio-Engineer

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>>30435649
>Want to write but don't know what to write about? Here are some ideas:

• Hassenfelds have a lifespan of 20-25 years. Relate how Anon and pony respond to their life span, mortality, and their feelings about Anon purchasing a new Hassenfeld (same model?) after the current one passes.
• Hassenfeld pony discusses with Anon (or other Hassenfelds) their feelings about being a Hassenfeld pony. Can be loving (e.g. they are happy with their purpose being to love and be loved), ambivalent (e.g. they had no choice about whom they love, or question the social ethics), or dark (e.g. a Hassenfeld considers it sex slavery, though necessarily loves Anon due to imprinting).
• Hassenfeld pony and Anon "adopt" (purchase another Hassenfeld to raise) so that they can be a family (See "Additional Facts" under "Reproduction"). However, the imprinting of Anon and "wife" on the pony results in a sexual component.
• Corrective spanking with horsewhip with a sexual component. This is not mutually exclusive from some of the above.

How do I ride the pony?

who the fuck comes up with this shit?

>>30435649
Now that's more like it. Also, if anyone else wants to answer questions if they feel like or if I'm not around at the time (I have to eat, sleep, and wagecuck, you know) please feel free. I apologise for being so rude and shutting everyone down the last time around.

>>30435663
Just so long as they read the "Additional Facts and FAQ" to be in accordance.

I urge people to read that before asking questions.

>>30435656
Although Hassenfeld ponies are not intrinsically meant to be ridden, larger adult ponies can be ridden much like a normal horse. Hassenfeld does not offer saddles, however, as the ponies prefer to be ridden bareback. Damage from pony riding, due to "off-roading" or excessive weight on the pony's back, is not covered by Hassenfeld's warranty.

When can I become the Little Pony™?

>>30435686
Unfortunately, experiments with turning humans into ponies have not ended well, to the tune of not being able to revert the changes. Because of this glaring imperfection, we have no plans to market such transformation services any time soon.

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>>30435649
Thank you for shopping with "I haven't read the rules" general! Please fuck off any time.

Is this some form of advanced shitposting?

>>30435699
I hope you know that Scruffy doesn't give a fuck about this board. I've reported 37 of those Glimmernigger spam posts and their general to no avail; and the "> HI ANON" thread is still up.

The rules do not apply any longer.

P U R G E

E G R U P

>>30435649
>Bio-Engineered

Is this fluffy ponies?

>>30435726
No, these are fully sapient, aware, and mentally competent ponies, genetically engineered to love and please you.

>>30435693
Am I able to volunteer to become a test subject?

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>>30435726
No, because Hassenfeld ponies are sophont and they come with distress signals that alert Hassenfeld Bros if there is serious abuse.

>>30435738
What if poner is handicapped?

>>30435740 additionally has the right idea.

>>30435725
Scruffy deleted a few Glimmer-spam threads just an hour ago.

>>30435661
This has been a reoccurring thing for a while, newfriend.

>>30435740
No, we have cancelled all research and development on the pony transformation. We will not revive such plans unless the market calls for it, and currently, only two people seem interested in the technology.

>>30435746
Some ponies may be intrinsically more or less mentally capable than others, to keep with the show's canon, but all ponies should at least be able to attain the intellectual level of a human child, if not a well-rounded, able-minded adult.

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>>30435738
My mare accidentally drank a whole bottle of Super Male Vitality I left out and now she refuses to talk about anything other than the Globalist pedo's schemes. In addition to this, she repeatedly puts on my shirts just to rip them off. How can I fix this without significant damage to her psyche?

>>30435774
It sounds as if your mare will need to be taken to your local Hassenfeld office for reprogramming. We now offer an exclusive "backup, edit, and restore" reprogramming plan that allows the removal of any undesired behaviour while retaining all your pony's memories and knowledge, save for those involved with the undesirable behaviour.

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Do you offer Zebra's? If so, are you able to program accents into them? I want my Zebra to scream that she wuz kangz when I punish her

Can ponies mate with themselves or are they barren?

I want to believe this will happen in my lifetime so bad.

This is when you have a real fucking problem

>>30435765
Do you offer Anthro's?

>>30435795
We currently offer only Zecora, and have no plans to introduce additional models until demand increases. Such reprogramming services will not be covered by your warranty, however. Reprogramming is only covered by warranty if an undesirable behaviour (that is, one that may cause harm to person, pony, or property) must be removed.

>>30435802
Ponies are not able to impregnate themselves. They can impregnate other ponies, however, but due to complaints of birth defects, current models of Hassenfeld ponies can no longer breed with humans.

>>30435831
We do not offer anthropomorphic ponies, and we have no plans to unless of course the demand is strong enough. Currently, we have very few inquiries about anthros, so don't keep your hopes up for them to be produced any time soon.

>>30435763
>This has been a reoccurring thing for a while, newfriend.
yeah, after being resurrected from it's grave
Can't wait for this thread to burn out and be life-support bumped for a week

I'm having a problem with my Pinkie model. Ever since I took her out of the book she has had a sour demur and won't stop booping herself.

>>30435868
This thread self-avoids life support bumps via infrequency. The idea being that between each thread there's a "recharge" period so when one starts up again, people aren't sick and tired of it. Unfortunately, it seems that this thread may have been started too soon. Either that or my blunt takeover of the last thread left everyone with a bad taste in their mouth.

>>30435879
It seems you must have ordered or received the Pinkamena model instead of the Pinkie Pie model. You may wish to exchange your Pinkamena for a Pinkie at your local Hassenfeld office.

I'm curious if you offer any catalogue related items available for purchase along with my pony.

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>Your name is Pinkie Pie. You are a Hassenfeld pony.
>You are in bed snuggled against Anon. His right arm drapes over your side as he hugs you.
>Anon has had you for fifteen years, and you're not old for a Hassenfeld pony yet, but sometimes you worry about Anon's happiness after you die.
>It's a sad topic, but you need to tell him. Otherwise, he might not, or he might have guilty feelings about it if he does.
"Anon?" you ask.
>Anon pets you slightly to indicate that he's listening. You pause, and say,
"After I die, I want you to get another Pinkie Pie."
>Anon stops petting you. His eyes glance upward as if thinking and then back down to you, and he holds you with his right hand and asks,
>"What makes you say that?"
"I don't want you to be lonely after I'm gone. I know if you get another Pinkie Pie she'll be just as happy as I am if you can be happy about getting a new Hassenfeld pony, and I want you to know that's ok so you don't ever feel bad about it if you think of me."
>Anon remains silent, listening. You continue,
"And just in case I die and I never get to say this to you, I want you to know I love being your Hassenfeld pony and I would never want to be anybody else. Even when you tie me up and stick needles all over my body and my mane deflates and I cry and you whip me, you always have the biggest erection, and even though it hurts so much I can't stop crying I just remember how happy it makes you. I just want you to be happy, anon, and it makes me happy when you're happy and..." your mane deflates a little, "I just want you to be happy after I'm gone."
>Anon hugs you tighter and caresses you. You can feel the welts and scars beneath the fur of your back and so can Anon when he hugs you. You know it makes him happy.
>"Thank you, Pinkie," he says. "Nopony can ever replace you, but I know another Pinkie Pie will make me just as happy as you do."
>You smile and nuzzle him, happy.

>>30435960
All Hassenfeld ponies include any canon accessories (i.e. Applejack's hat, Apple Bloom's bow, etc.) Additional accessories, such as matching blankets and towels, canon articles of clothing (such as Gala dresses), care products, and much more, can be ordered separately on our newly-expanded website, which is currently down for maintenance. In the meantime, I can take orders here.

>>30436002
How about items of the more... sexy nature?

>>30435984
Made me genuinely sad.

Is there a limit to how many ponies i can buy?
Can unicorns use magic?
Can i train my pony to fight to the death?
Do you have changeling/batpony/princesses and seapony models?

>>30436015
Currently we do not offer lingerie or other intimate clothing. However, there may be third-party vendors that do. Please be advised that Hassenfeld cannot be held responsible for injuries or distressed inflicted on your pony by aftermarket clothing.

>>30436042
Currently, we have a limit of six ponies per customer per month, to prevent supply from running out. Unicorns can use magic, although magical ability will vary by pony.
We cannot condone the use of ponies for combat needs, and we are not responsible for any repercussions imposed upon you or your pony from warfare.
We do offer generic Changelings and all Princesses, and sea ponies should be available by the next version, however, we currently have no plans to offer bat ponies.

When I first get my pony is there personality errors that have been factory mistakes that I should look out for

>>30436114
How large are the seaponies?

>>30436129
If all goes well, no personality errors should be present. However, if you notice a glaring error that could potentially be hazardous, take your pony to your local Hassenfeld office immediately for reprogramming, which in dire cases is covered by warranty. More minor defects may also be removed via reprogramming at your own expense.

>>30436180
I cannot say for certain how large the sea ponies will be, but I believe they will end up being around the same size as the regular ponies.

>>30436209
Can my pony think more independently than a usual Hassenfield pony? As in, a pony that isn't made specifically to be a pleasure and fuck machine designed to keep me happy, but rather a pony I can just be a friend with on equal terms?

>>30435785

>"-ixie will have some dilation effects from the restore, so we're keeping the lights dow-"
>"I know, I know. This is her fourth time around."
>"Trixie? We had to restore you after the show. Turns out the lion isn't quite the same as a manticore."

"...the Great and Nauseous Trixie did not need to hear that from the Wise and Masterful Anonimagus."

>"We do the magic no other magicians will even try, and for what it's worth the fan video just hit over 15 million views on WhoTube."

"Trixie is happy you splurged on the unlimited backup plan. Why does Trixie's hat smell funny?"

>"Dry cleaning must not have gotten all of the Crunchy and Delicious Trixie out."

*HURK*

>"Hey, you're the one that tells me to always save the hat."

*BLARF*

>"Hey! I told you we just had that dry cleaned! Anyone know a good way to get vomit stains out of this? Dammit..."

>>30436291
Yes. You can raise them without engaging in sexual activity of any sort, and they will get the hint that you just want a companion.

>>30435649
Can I get a Trixie or do I have to custom order her? Also, accesories are included right? Do I pay to pay extra?

>>30436741
Yes, Trixie is available without a custom order fee. Included accessories are her magician hat and cape.

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>>30436371

Can you imagine the shitshow?

>the pony rape farms
>the pony torture farms
>the people who would spend thousands of $ just to murder a poor helpless creature
>the entire industry and community that would rise up around it
>its role in complimenting other underground activities like drug and human trafficking
>the pony rights groups built up to respond to it all
>the political shitshow that would develop over the passing of legislation and interpretation of existing law
>government action (or inaction)
>the polarizing effect that it would have on individuals
>one side fighting for what they would undoubtedly see as an absolutely righteous cause, the other fighting for the right to do evil unto others
>the free pony colonies that would pop up as people bought ponies to put together and set free into their own polities
>the ones that would run away
>the ones that would be aided in their flight
>the ones that would be caught and made an example of
>the beatings
>the murders as man kills man
>the ponies who reject their lot and resort to violence
>the slaughters and assassinations and revenge killings

Seems like begging for civil war. The whole thing would be ugly as Hell.

Now this is just hypothetical, but would it be possible to get, let's say, a Fluttershy model, but instead of preprogrammed characteristics and all that, I could get a blank slate so that she could grow into her own personality by life events and such.
Would that be feasible?

>>30435649
Is it possible to get a pony that won't grow larger than a filly yet still become sexually mature?

>>30436912

See America, circa 1860's.

No intelligent, self-aware species on Earth is going to be stuck with unrestrained access to abuse or humanity will have rapidly devolved to savages by that point.

Guaranteed you'd see it happen, especially in Third World countries. Places like Libya already are openly selling slaves, non-human ones would go over even better there.

It's our mental ability that put us above the beasts and gave us the ability to even protect ourselves against others of similar intelligence. Uplift another form of life to that same mental level, and it'll either be finding a system of mutual respect or mutual extermination.

Brin's Uplift series is an A+ example of what we'd likely expect in a world with Hassenfelds.

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>>30436912
It can't be helped.

>>30436945
Yes. Though you would take delivery of Fluttershy pre-programmed to be resemble her canon personality, you can, at your own expense, have your local Hassenfeld office reprogram your Fluttershy to a "generic" personality.

>>30436952
Yes. With careful balancing of the Rapid Growth Accelerant and a proper upbringing, a pony can be raised to filly size, yet adult maturity. See the instructions included with the RGA for more information.

>>30435649
Can the pony take it up the butt?

my Twilight locked herself in my closet for a couple days. i assumed she just needed some alone time, or something, but eventually after she didn't respond to my calls i assumed something was wrong, so i broke open the closet door. she had set up an entire fucking manufacturing plant, man. two days! two days and she had a tardis-like manufacturing plant producing metric tons of chlorine trifluoride and what looked like superacids. just from a quick glance at some budget-tracking sheets on a nearby table, it seemed she was selling it all to some neo-nazi group, i think, and twilight herself was spastically ranting/screaming about jews a bit away. she didn't see me so i just closed the door and started writing this to you. what should i do? she seemed pretty insane, so i'm afraid that she'll melt me or something if i contact the police.

>>30437358
She's been on /pol/ too much. Block it on your router and take her for walkies, she clearly hasn't been outside enough.

>>30435984
Well that got dark

>>30436912

I wonder if someone is going to take the Hassenfield angle in the Pony Slave thread? This is very interesting to think about.

>>30437370

Way too late, that pony took an entire bottle full of redpills.

Good thing Hassenfeld provides a mental-deprogramming equivalent the ol' bluepill, right?

Aryanne is model HSF-1488.

>>30435984
Well that took an instant 90 degree turn right off of a fucking cliff. Jesus fucking Christ.

I genuinely enjoy your occasional threads. bump.

>>30435765
>only two people seem interested
You guys are shit at this job. Check out ptfg or db with "human to pony" tag. Shit's a gold mine I tell you!

>>30435868
Don't forget the shit flinging to do with the bullshit magic "distress signal" that it 100% impossible to block, remove or otherwise stop despite offering no logical explanation while saying "I'm taking a realistic approach to all of this".

>>30435649
Yes, hello, I have a question regarding the imprinting process. I have recently acquired a second product, one of the Twilight Sparkle pattern ponies, and it seems to have imprinted itself on my Celestia pattern pony instead of me and seems to be displaying extreme levels of anxiety over disappointing my Celestia product. Is there a way to reset the imprint process and do it over? Or is the anxiety response a built in part of the Twilight pattern pony? I look forward to your response.

Pffft, the Bogdanoff pet pony products are far superior.

>>30438223
I'll step in since the LARP explanation is not getting across to you:

No one cares. This isn't the thread for tf.

>>30438795
Twilight will automatically imprint on Celestia, as the show's canon dictates that Twilight is a subject of Celestia. You may take your pony to your Hassenfeld office for reprogramming at your own expense.

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>>30435649
I remember this thread. It was pretty comfy. I may write some green for this when I get home.

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Can I have my daughter?

>>30439462
They only do canon ponies.

>>30435649
So, realistically speaking, how much would a Hassenfeld cost?

If they were real, I'd immediately either buy one if I had the money or get a job to pay for one. I'd get a Twilight for hugging and the occasional fugging

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>>30439471
Please...? Just for me? She's the only thing I care about.

>>30439478
Realistically, they'd probably cost an arm and a leg. But in my canon prices start at just $1000 and increase based on body type (Pegasus, Unicorn, Alicorn) and of course, supply and demand factors.

>>30439499
What are numbers for 2017 Q1?

>>30439499
Please do ocs for me

>>30439499
So what'd I be looking at for an alicorn Twi?
Also can she have a personality that's a mix of s1-2 and current?

Is the pussy a horsepussy, a human-like or is that chosen?

Somewhat relevant: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/324970/the-broken-toy

>>30435649
I love this threads

>>30439518
You'll have to be more specific. There are too many numbers to list for the first quarter.

>>30439542
An Alicorn Twilight currently retails for $2,100. Personality customisation may be done by your local Hassenfeld office at an additional cost.

>>30439565
I just want to see Nyx

>>30439565
Are "used" ponies cheaper?

>>30439597
Typically, yes. We do not offer pre-owned ponies directly, but local Hassenfeld offices are free to offer their own selection of ponies that have been returned or rescued. Consult your local office for inventory and adoption fees.

>>30439597
That just gave me the grimmest pictures ever. Imagine getting a pony who's been abused, or neglected, and still has a deep attachment to their previous owner. They'd have so many issues, and if no one has the patience to help them get over it, they're just going to get abandoned every time a new owner gets frustrated with dealing with them, making the toll even harder on them

So, Anons, would you fug your hassenfeld?

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>>30439635
Need a story about this.

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>>30439636
yes

>>30435649
Does Hassenfield supply grooming products? My pony is a little fussy when it comes to grooming and I'd like to make sure she's getting the best care I can reasonably afford.

>>30439726
Your pony should have come with a starter-size set of soaps and shampoos. If they were missing when you took delivery of your pony, your local Hassenfeld office can provide you with complimentary replacements. In addition to the included products, we also offer an extensive array of combs, brushes, and various formulas of soaps, shampoos, and conditioners on our website.

>>30439738
Great. She should be happy to hear that.

>>30439643
This.

>>30439738
How would I imprint "be a mother" on my Celestia to fulfill my /ss/ fetish?

>>30439635
>>30439643
>>30439835
I have written this as a continuation of >>30435984:

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>>30435984
>You always thought you would die before your owner. That's how it's supposed to be.
>You never imagined you might have to learn to cope with this dismal heartbreak like a bore in your soul.
>You never imagined Anon wouldn't come home one day.
>It must be worse for Hassenfelds. Humans can't understand this crushing heartache that never heals. They don't know what it's like to be imprinted upon by the caretaker you love with all your soul. It is part of who you are, and when something takes him away from you, there is an aching hole that never heals.
>You wish they would just put you down. You lie on your side despondent.
>You look out the bars of your cold metal cage to the other heartbroken ponies in the shelter, cages stacked three ponies high. It's too small for you even to stand up, not that you have the will to do so if you wanted.
>When the Hassenfeld Protective Services came to take you away the night after Anon didn't come home, they didn't even let you get a last whiff of the blankets for Anon's scent. The woman just picked you up and gasped upon feeling your welts, remarking, "Oh, you poor dear," and hugged you before placing you in the back of the van.
>You were in too much shock to register what was happening. No more Anon. No more heart.
>You press your back against the bars to feel the scars. He loved you so much. You rub your back against the bars every day to feel his marks on you, but it only makes the hurt worse. He'll never hurt you again. He'll never hug you again. No-one can ever replace him.
>You wish they would just put you down.

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>>30441006
>A man adopted you. He wasn't Anon; therefore he was nobody. His name was Steve.
>Your first week in his home you lay languid on the floor. You didn't even have the energy to eat. Steve would kneel down and spoon feed you.
>Nothing felt real. Steve didn't really love you. He didn't hurt you. He didn't fuck you while you cried. He just fed you and carried you to bath and bed and hugged your drooping sack of a body.
>But yesterday, while Steve was at work, you had an idea. A very good idea. You would give yourself new scars. It's what Anon would want.
>You went to the kitchen and fetched a knife. Holding it in your mouth, you pressed it against your back, pushed it through your skin, and, gritting your teeth, drove the knife down across the skin of your back, cutting through old scars and making a new one.
>You just imagined it was Anon. You imagined making him happy, his beautiful erection when he tortured you. It wasn't whipping, but it would have to do. It would give you new scars. It filled the void.
>Blood oozed and soaked your fur. You had to do this again. You lifted the knife and pushed through your flesh, and you cut. Like a whip, but deeper. Bigger scars.
>You did the other side too.
>It made you dizzy and sleepy, and you lay down on the kitchen tiles as lines of oozing red stained your pink fur.
>You imagined Anon smiling. These new scars will be nice.

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>>30441019
>When Steve got home he screamed.
>He scooped up your limp frame and ran to the car and placed you on the passenger seat, unconcerned with the stains incurred by clothes or his car, and sped to the veterinarian, crying and asking you what the hell you were thinking.
>You didn't care. You were dizzy and dreamy, thinking of Anon. It was the first time you felt ok since he passed. You still felt empty, but this was like anodyne.
>They sewed you up and you went home with your sutured welts.
>Steve hugged you that night and cried.
>"I knew adoption would be a challenge, but..." he said, before breaking down into a sob.
>"Oh Pinkie, please get better."
>You almost felt sad, but you just felt empty. Steve wasn't Anon. He didn't understand.
>You liked the feeling of his hands against your welts, though. It reminded you of Anon, if Anon were an imposter ghost without the right scent and you were a hollow shell.
>But as you fell asleep, you just felt his hands against your back, and almost felt ok, like emptiness.
>The next day Steve stayed home from work and just sat with you as you lay unresponsive on the stolid floor.
>He looked sad and burdened.
>The day after that, he returned you to the adoption agency. He said he wished he could help you, but he wasn't strong enough. He cried as he hugged you goodbye.
>They placed you back in the small cold cage.
>You wish they would just put you down. Nobody can understand a Hassenfeld heartbreak.

Came up with a brief concept for a story. Want to know what you all think.

>Monday, May 23.
>The beginning of the week is always excruciating, but it’s nothing new at this point.
>Your morning coffee sits unfinished on your desk, now lukewarm and unsatisfying to your tastebuds.
>Minute by minute, the clock on your wall continues to tick forward, slowly approaching noon. Your next patient is scheduled for then.
>Glancing out your window, you admire the gorgeous view of the surrounding landscape. From the hilltop on which your building stands, you can see for miles on end.
>Trees that were barren just a few weeks ago have blossomed with life once again. Winter is long gone, and summer is just around the corner.
>An seemingly endless sea of green foliage stretches beyond the horizon, interrupted only by the occasional apartment complex crawling above the treeline.
>The view has certainly helped a number of your more anxious patients calm down. Combined with the old victorian architecture of your building, it makes for quite a scenic locale.
>Hard to believe this place was once one of the country’s most notorious lunatic asylums.
>In a manner of speaking, it still is, but only in the offices where your company has set up shop.
>You are Anonymous. Dr. Anon Y. Mous, M.D. to be more specific. Head therapeutic counselor at Hassenfeld BioEngineering.
>Well, at this one specific outpatient clinic, anyway. Not for the whole company.
>It’s… certainly not the job you were expecting, but it’s a unique field, to be sure.
>Company introduces bioengineered companions based off an old My Little Pony cartoon, reports of abuse soon start coming in, recovery centers are opened, and here you are.
>Anonymous the Pony Psychiatrist. Had someone told you five years ago you’d be in this position, you wouldn’t have believed them.
>You probably would’ve told them to go see a shrink.
>Quite ironic in hindsight, isn’t it?

1/2. Damn character limits.

>>30441136
>Some of those headlines still give you night terrors, but it’s comforting to know you’re helping those very same victims overcome their past traumatic experiences, even if they aren’t human.
>Your clock strikes twelve, and almost immediately, a light knock comes from the door of your office.
“Come in.”
>The door swings open to reveal another doctor, wearing the same white medial attire as you. He’s an older, more heavyset gentleman, with a partially bald head and large, bushy mustache.
>”Dr. Anonymous,” he says in a low, dull voice. “Your twelve o’clock is ready to see you.”
“Excellent, Ben. Bring her in.”
>Benjamin steps aside, holding your door open to reveal a young nurse pushing a wheelchair, on which sits a timid yellow pony with a long, unkempt pink mane.
>A baby blue blanket is draped over her back. Her right ear and both hind legs are wrapped in gauze, but what strikes you most are her eyes.
>They’re a beautiful shade of turquoise, but appear heavy, exhausted, and overwhelmed with tears.
>As Ben shuts the door, the nurse positions the injured mare in front of your desk, and sits down in an adjacent chair.
>The little pony looks to you with a fearful expression, and begins to speak.
>”Y-y-you-you’re n-not g-g-going to hurt-t m-me, a-a-are y-you?” she says, her speech barely audible.
>Your heart shatters at the sound of her voice. So gentle and soft, and yet in so much pain.
“No.” you reply, trying to hold back tears of your own.
>The mare’s trembling begins to ease, but she still appears frightened.
“I’m not going to hurt you. I’m going to help you feel better.”

2/2

>>30441006
>>30441019
>>30441061
Christ almighty...

I want to stuff a little stallion's anus as full as it can go and force him to go on a walk as he throbs in pleasure

>>30441061
>Nobody can understand a Hassenfeld heartbreak.
I imagine that the only form of rehabilitation these ponies would have is where other Hassenfelds who were in awful situations counsel the others.

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>>30441006
>>30441019
>>30441061

I wish I had the will to sit down and write out novels worth of green, because this whole thing is so ripe for it.

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>>30438977
every time

>>30439613
Do you have a pony Hassenfeld rep?

I want to force Hassenfelds to fulfill my degenerate fetishes after I amputate their little hoovsies

>>30443062
Too bad they have distress signals that alert Hassenfeld Bros if there is severe abuse. Enjoy your time in jail.

>>30443089
The thing is, if you raise them from "birth" to want their little hoovsies sawn off, they would consider it a gift, not punishment

>>30443147
I'm pretty sure that level of pain and mutilation would activate distress signals no matter what.

>>30439635
I imagine that if pony wound up abused, that Hassenfeld would probably do a personality reset of some kind. They've already said that they are able to change aspects of memory and such via "back up and restore", so it's not implausible that they would keep a "factory setting" of sorts for just such a case.

They could even keep it as an optional thing, making a used pony actually more expensive in the end due to the cost of undoing all the damage done by whatever fucko that owned the pony previously.

Course, once people caught on to the ruse, they'd probably stop buying used ponies, which would probably mean either euthanasia or a complementary reset of their imprinting and other shit like that, so the new owner wouldn't have to deal with all that shit unless they wanted to, for some reason

I'm not Hassenfeldfag though, so this is all speculation.

What will happen if I do not use the language teaching programs on my pony?

>>30443236
Personally, I oppose the idea of resetting ponies. It is not part of the core canon, doesn't make sense considering they are biological, and eliminates the potential for what that anon said in stories like >>30435984 >>30441006 >>30441019 >>30441061.

>>30443089
What if the poner consents tho
[Yellowandblacksunglassesballgivingathumbsup.png]

>>30443269
Your pony will be unable to speak. She may become frustrated by her inability to verbally communicate. As a result, we strongly recommend you use the language assistance device.

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Continuation of Twilight the Hassenfeld Pony.

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>>30443328
>Your name is Twilight Sparkle.
>You are old and weak.
>You are glad that Hassenfeld ponies have the life expectancy they do. It would have been cruel for Hassenfeld Brothers to engineer their product that they might outlive their owners.
>Regardless, you prefer to die when your cup is full.
>Two weeks ago, as you were doing chores, your left foreleg buckled and you collapsed, shattering a plate, and you couldn’t get back up. Anon didn’t punish you; instead, he just looked sad.
>The next day, he told you that he quit his job so he could take care of you and told you not do any more chores.
>Yesterday, Anon noticed that you don't read anymore.
>You told him your vision is too poor to read. You didn’t remind him that you haven’t been able to read for years.

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>>30443332
>It is night and Anon is holding you in bed.
>He reads to you now from children’s books like Aesop’s Fables and the Brothers Grimm. Even when you were learning how to read, he never read to you.
>Anon doesn't have sex with you anymore or tie you up and hurt you. You are glad because now everything hurts.
>In Paradise Lost, Milton writes,
>“The mind is its own place and in itself
>Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.”
>You've made no choices and have no self to judge.
>You don’t believe in God, but your life has been heaven.
>Anon will have to judge himself for the life he’s given you.
>“Anon,” you say, “I want you to know I’ve had a beautiful life.”
>Anon just holds you and begins to weep, and wept himself to sleep.
>You fall asleep in his arms and fall asleep, and forever always sleep.

>>30443332
>>30443338
Sheesh man. You really love to drop the feel bombs, don't you?

>>30435649
How much does one of your ponies cost or does it vary by pony?

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>>30443276
I get that, I'm just saying that if a pony is engineered to love specifically only one person, and something goes wrong, they likely will either euthanize the pony or do a reset, putting it up for adoption.

>it doesn't make sense considering they are biological
Hassenfeld can teach them a language, engineer personality traits to a T, can give them custom personalities, has a distress signal designed specifically to deter excessive abuse, and can force them to romantically (or platonically) imprint on the first person they see. How does that not break your suspension of disbelief, but the idea of Hassenfeld being able to do things within the scope of the above for the purpose of reselling used ponies break said suspension?

Sure, it can be used for a cop out, but that's up to the writer.

>it's not part of the core canon
What separates the "core" canon from the rest? Hassenfeldfag explicitly said it's possible, and a selling point (pic related).
If a writer doesn't like that idea, they can just make it an optional thing, as I said earlier, and then have their main character not buy/be subject to it, either because they don't want to, or because they can't, for whatever reason.

>>30443361
>13 tabs open
>Doesn't use dark theme
Pleb

>>30443351
Prices range from $1,000 to over $2,500 USD, depending on the specific pony and its supply/demand ratio.

>>30443376
How much would a Sunset & Starlight model cost?

>>30443392
Currently, Sunset Shimmer is $2,000 and Starlight Glimmer is $1,900.

>>30443361
>If a writer doesn't like that idea, they can just make it an optional thing, as I said earlier, and then have their main character not buy/be subject to it, either because they don't want to, or because they can't, for whatever reason.
Yes, it is optional. That is what I mean by not being core canon. It is moot what exactly is core canon, but an example of core canon is the imprinting, which is a defining trait of Hassenfelds.

>>30443372
Tomorrow theme makes vectors have edges by giving them a different background color. It's hideous. Contrast with >>30443328.

i killed my pony by repeatedly striking them in the head with a blunt object

>>30443236
>They could even keep it as an optional thing, making a used pony actually more expensive in the end due to the cost of undoing all the damage done by whatever fucko that owned the pony previously.
Not really. You got the money from the first owner. All you need to do with the resell is cover the cost of the repair, and the original owner can be made to compensate that in a civil court

>>30443402
Sounds good. By any chance, have mares ever been known to indulge in sexual relations with another mare?

>>30443464
Some mares may have intrinsic heterosexual behaviour, but their sexual orientation will largely be determined by their upbringing.

>>30435649
Does Hassenfeld allow you to take ponies to work? Do a bunch roam your office?

>>30443474
>but their sexual orientation will largely be determined by their upbringing.
Don't say that too loud

>>30443454
I meant more expensive on the second buyer's end, not Hassenfeld's end. Sorry for not making that clearer.
Obviously they could profit from the resale, else they wouldn't resell period.

I was just saying that once people realize that buying a used pony is pricier than buying new, Hassenfeld will either have to offer a free personality reset of some kind, go minimize the cost on the buyer's end, or euthanize their products. Since they already go to the trouble of setting up a distress signal to deter abuse, euthanasia would render that whole process of setting that up pointless, so it would make more sense to do a reset and then sell the pony again.

>>30443474
see >>30443445

>>30443474
So of i encourage them to experiment with each other, they will be more prone to have sex later on in life that I can film?

>>30443526
It is possible, though I cannot guarantee any results.

>>30443511
I'm saying that a used pony would be cheaper to buy. All Hassenfeld cares about is covering the repair cost. They want to sell that pony, and will take a minimal profit.

>>30443338
Imagine being the Twilight Sparkle that is going to replace Twilight Sparkle. You are going to be designed exactly like your predecessor and be treated very similarly. What if one day your master tells reveals that you are a replacement and that you are no different from your predecessor. Do you reject this and try to set yourself apart, even if only because you know that you are the first replacement and that one day Twilight Sparkle could replace you? Or does none of this matter? After all, you are a Hassenfeld Pony. Your name is Twilight Sparkle.

>>30444348
Man, these threads sure have changed. I remember when the first ones started; it was all cute stuff - newly awakened ponies discovering the world around them, bonding with their owners, that kind of thing. Now we've got heavy existentialist shit going on here.

Not saying it's bad, mind you. Just, never expected it to go this way.

>>30444381
>Just, never expected it to go this way.
Not that guy, and not going to say "it's just a phase," but topics and themes tend to have trends. Mostly reactionary ones.

>>30443536
Do the ponies react negatively to others of their same 'kind'. Like say, a Rainbow Dash meeting another Rainbow Dash, and both of them are standard hassenfelds with no extra customization. Wouldn't such a thing be traumatizing for them?

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>>30444381
This

>>30435649

I'd like to learn how to design my own freak of nature. Are you guys by any chance hiring?

>>30444381
It's all fun and games until you give it some actual thought. Why do you think stupid people are so happy?

>>30435984
This is like eating brusselsprout candy, what the fuck. Dark but warm, perfect for mold.

>>30444381
But wait, there's more!

Imagine what could be written about the way Hassenfeld would change our world. All the conflicts, all the new issues having sapient horses would bring. We would have to question our ethics to an extent since there are problems with cloning. And these """pets""" would be a LOT like us.

>>30444696
Typically, yes, they will be confused at seeing an identical pony. If you want to raise two of the same model, make sure to give them different names and slightly different looks.

>>30435649
Hey.
You are that company that responsible for those "failed first experiment' fat smelly furball shits that are barelly resemble a pony and look like a fucking hamster and speaks like retards. Those fucking cunts ARE ALL OVER MY GARDEN!
Those mother fuckers are THOUGHT as hell and even the pest controll can't do shit about it?
Can you recommend me something that will get rid of them beacuse I swear to whatever god is up there I'm going to use my fucking shotgun on them and makes Brevik's island holiday LOOK LIKE A FUCKING TEA PARTY!

>>30435847
>They can impregnate other ponies, however, but due to complaints of birth defects, current models of Hassenfeld ponies can no longer breed with humans.

So previous models were capable of breeding with humans? What were the results of that? Sounds interesting.

>>30435649
how many copies of the same pony can I purchase?

>>30436962
>>30436912

Green when?

The start of a second American Civil War over Pony Rights sounds like perfect story potential.

What is the pricing on the princess models?

>>30446866
I'm also curious about how much a Trixie would be.

>>30446727
We are not connected to the company that you mention. You may wish to consult that company's management instead if you have complaints.

>>30446770
You may purchase up to six ponies per month. They can all be the same model.

>>30446866
All figures are in United States dollars (USD.)
Princess Twilight: $2,100
Princess Cadance: $2,150
Princess Luna: $2,200
Princess Celestia: $2,250

>>30446932
Trixie: $1,850.

>>30447031
Can this be paid in installments?

>>30446727
At this point shotgun or any other form of scattergun is best. While this company is happy to help take your moneywith regards to their 'new' product they're quick to distance themselves from the prototype even going as far to dismantle the subsidiary that created them.

>>30447031
Do you update the ponies programming after every newly released episode or do you do it every season?

>>30447518
This is in the future. MLP is probably a thing of the past. Besides, it serves only as the basis of the personality, which itself varies widely with nurture.

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>This thread

bomp

>>30438887

My sides are having seizures

can the chamgelings morph?

>>30435699

The Hassenfeld Bros. series of threads are far older than your shit rules. Still, if you literally want to be the newfag who ruins everything, then by all means, proceed with your faggotry. You only can kill a good meme.

Don't these things have distress beacons in them so you can't beat them up?

Hi customer service. Can the ponies be gay?

>>30448756
Yes
>>30448772
>>30443474

Can I get a blank slate pony that just does what I tell it to do without any of the emotions? I just want something to put my dick in and do chores, and women won't shut the hell up.

>>30448582
At this time, no, they are stuck as Changelings. We hope to have the morphing ability introduced by the next model.

>>30448934
If you want a pony that obeys most all commands and does not express emotions, I would recommend Maud Pie.

>>30447031
Will you be releasing a Princess Glimmer?

>>30449025
If it becomes part of the show's canon, yes, we will release an Alicorn version of Starlight Glimmer. Like Twilight Sparkle, the older Unicorn version will also be offered for those who don't like Alicorns.

Hello, first time customer. Mostly satisfied.

Going on a month now and my Rose Luck seems very happy. Once her language training was complete she began singing a lot, so I bought her some music to enjoy while I was away. I expected her to enjoy poppy stuff, but she's started singing death metal (she can actually get quite growley, it's cute), but my neighbors have complained about the noise. I don't want to make her stop, but even quiet death metal is pretty loud. Can I somehow get her to change genres, and would it hurt her feelings?

Thanks!

>>30449079

reminds me of when I put a metallica cassette in my teddy ruxpin

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Hello Hassenfeld Customer Service

Enclosed is a picture of my Fluttershy model pony. I love her dearly, but I'm concerned with her actions over the past few days. I had to run errands and left her at home with the TV on, with it set to a day long JFK special.

When I got home, she was inconsolable, cuddling this bust of him I had and saying, "Ask what you can do for your country" over and over again.

Will she get past this? Any recommendations about what to do?

>>30449079
>>30449474
Both of you will need to take your ponies to your local Hassenfeld office for reprogramming. >>30449079 will be covered by warranty, whereas >>30449474 will have to pay out of pocket.

>>30449522
Whatever's worth it to get her back to her normal, moderately skittish self.

>>30449079
>Little poner keeps growling out death metal in her squeaky voice
>Cute little face scowling as she howls out songs of vengeance and death
Dear God, that's adorable. Does she stop if you boop her snoot, or just get more scowly?

>>30449609

She stops and giggles and play hits me for interrupting her song.

>>30449522
Hello Hassenfeld Customer Service rep,

I've been looking to get a recommendation to you on a particular pony.

I've recently moved with my son to a new part of the country. His mother passed away about a year ago, and I lost my job. I was able to get a new job, but it was over 500 miles away.

To add to the pain, our family dog passed a few months later. The past year has not been good to my family. In our new town, my son isn't making new friends. I don't think it's because he just can't, I think he's scared. I've heard about your ponies and thought that maybe one would be a good 'primer' to making friends, as well as being a companion for him as he grows up. Any model in particular you would recommend?

To be specific, my son is 8 years old, and loves things all normal 8 year old boys love.

Thanks in advance.

>>30450012
There are many excellent choices, but for a long-term companion for your son, I would recommend Pinkie Pie. She has a bright, uplifting personality, and while she might be annoying at times, she will always be a good friend who's there whenever your son needs her.

>>30449632
Daww, thats precious.

>>30450012
Why not Rainbow Dash? She's a little boyish and would mesh well with any young boy. She also is an avid reader and enjoys sports and exercise; this could brush off onto your son.

>>30450051
>>30450170
Do you think 2 ponies would be a bad idea?

>>30450672
I wouldn't recommend two of the same pony, but two different ponies should get along fine.

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Uh...I think there might have been a clerical error with the amount of Twilights to be sent to me.

>>30451141
who needs that many twilight plushies

>>30451184

>not wanting a herd of Twilights

>>30451195
implying i wouldnt want a heard of lunas

>>30450687
what happens with two of the same ponies?

Can these pones be taught to play dungeons and dragons? Even DM if you get a creative one? It would be nice to have a pony DM I think.

>>30451550
ˇ
>>30446524

>>30439471
>Nyx
>Not canon

>>30451564
How innocent would they be?

>>30449079

Oh, for heaven's sake. Don't get her reprogrammed, get her on WhoTube. You've got a star in the making and the residuals alone will probably pay for what it'd cost to soundproof your garage.

>>30451752
The ponies? I assume pretty innocent?

>>30452038
This isn't a bad idea. I really don't like the idea of reprogramming her, and we're both happy otherwise. I'll look into soundproofing and see how it goes. Thanks, anon!

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My Applejack won't stop singing about how she wishes she was in Dixie. Wat do.

>>30452045
So no killing or adult themes? Only pure pg adventures and the occassional lewd joke?

>>30452074
Well, it's D&D. They'll kill monsters and stuff, but it's not really gory or violent, less so than most video games. And if a pony DM's I assume it will cater to its own sensibilities.

How pure do they need to be? Isn't it the primary selling point of these things that you can have sex with them?

>>30452086
I'm assuming as pure as their canon counterparts but more sexualized?

>>30452073

Take her for a field trip to a cotton farmer and have her harvest an entire field by hoof. The old fashioned way.

She'll never want to hear the words "land of cotton" again. Once she manages to get her mouth clean. It'll work even better than soap.

>>30452073
Buy a couple of zebra statues and put them in your garden in tattered clothes.

Guys my Cadence idolizes Stalin and keeps trying to turn my yard into a communist state. I don't know how, but she somehow found a shit ton of bricks and built a fucking commieblock in my backyard.

>>30450687
Could I order a Celestia pony? Also would she be able to raise and lower the sun?

>>30449041
>Like Twilight Sparkle, the older Unicorn version will also be offered for those who don't like Alicorns.
I like this policy.
Its a good policy.

Can I order Princess Celestia with a dick?

>>30452074
>>30452045
>>30451752
>>30451564
Their D&D would play like ToE in regards to violence.

>>30453071
I'd play that. It would be cute having a pony DM.

DnD green needed badly

>>30452549
Of course you can order Celestia, but unfortunately she is unable to control the sun.

>>30453065
No.

snootle boop

My Spitfire model recently flew over to the Middle East and hasn't came back, is there a way I can track her down?

>>30453377
Would there be any adverse psychological effects to my Celestia pony if she runs into another Celestia pony?

>>30453952
If you have her serial number (which can be found on the sales receipt), then yes. Take the serial number to your local Hassenfeld office and they can show you her location. If you don't have her serial number, you're out of luck.

>>30453962
ˇ
>>30451566

>>30453998
Would that confusion cause them to question their existence? I mean I would.

How do these ponies handle being covered in pudding?

>>30454012
What? Why would you need to know that?

>>30454028
For scientific reasons of course.

>>30454028

I have an idea for a strip club half time show.

>>30454031
>>30454034

Hmm. Depends on the pony. I believe the Pinkies would love it, Rarity's on the other hand might not.

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>>30435681
>Excessive weight

That pretty much excludes everyone here from riding a pone.

Hello Hassenfeld,

I'm an astronaut with NASA and I will be heading up to the ISS soon for a 2 year stint. I have one of your products, Twilight Sparkle (wingless). My superiors feel that since she is smart, capable, and adorable she might be useful in increasing morale and productivity while isolated so much. She seems excited about the idea as well. Has these ponies been tested under zero-g conditions before? We're willing to strap her into a zero-g chamber and centrifuge to test her out, but I want to make sure there isn't anything weird about pony biology would would make them especially incapable of handling such environments.

Beyond that though, I'm very happy with my purchase.

~Spacehorse

p.s. my boss asked if we could turn this into a marketing thing if all goes well. I've included his business card with this letter.

p.s.s. using snail mail because Twilight likes to write, an email response is fine

>>30454077
We have not tested our ponies in zero-gravity conditions, but if it is safe for humans, it should be safe for ponies as well. No promises, of course, but if all goes well do let us know.

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>>30435984
Holy shit that just took the 90 degree road to the feels stop at rock bottom outta nowhere

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>>30453065
>>30453377
Futafags BTFO

>>30452073
Thats a very catchy tune. You shouldnt do anything

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>>30454012

Better than humans, I'd say.

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>>30454094

Is it possible to custom order a Pinkie Pie with a larger, rounder posterior?

>>30454835
Technically no. Ponies that share body types will ostensibly have the same size posterior. However, with controlled diet and exercise, it is possible to enlarge your pony's rear.

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>>30443346
Author of the Pinkie >>30435984 and Twilight >>30443328 story here.

If anyone has an idea for something else with tragic or existentialist feels, I'd be happy for the inspiration.

>>30455008
>If anyone has an idea for something else with tragic or existentialist feels, I'd be happy for the inspiration.

Anon's Hassenfeld gets taken by pony rights activists with the intention of freeing her.

However because of the imprinting, she doesn't WANT to be free. All keeping her away from Anon does is cause her misery. Much the same to all of the other Hassenfelds they've taken.

The activists solution is experimental brain surgery to try and remove the imprinting.

So when they're finally caught and the stolen Hassenfelds are returned to their owners, there's varying degrees of brain damage affecting their personality.

>>30454879

Fair enough.

I remember seeing that ponies can breed with each other but not humans.

Is there any predictability to offspring between ponies? Like preset appearance and personality combinations?

Or is it all random like natural reproduction?

>>30455166
No, the appearance and personality of two ponies' offspring will be a random combination of both parents, as in traditional sexual reproduction.

>>30455205

Noted.

Also on your list of Princess prices >>30447031 I noticed there's no Flurry Heart?

Is she not available to purchase?

>>30447031
$2,250 for a Celestia? I'd fuckin pay that in a heart beat. How tall does the Celestia model grow?

>>30455205
Naturally born ponies don't have the tracking chip, right?

Do they have to be taken to a Hassenfeld store to have it installed?

>>30455356
That and the distress signal would have to be implanted before they're sent to buyers so if you had one that gave birth in you care it would have neither. Unless we're not given an explanation as to how it works other than "it just does and there's nothing you can do about it" which would be grade-A bullshit.

>>30455356
>>30455444
Hassenfeld ponies are supposed to be infertile anyway. Natural-born Hassenfelds are very rare and a mistake and are probably infertile themselves.

>>30447031
how much would derpy be?

>>30447031
how much for nurse redheart?

>>30455457
You're an infertile mistake!

t. Very really NOT a natural born hassenfeld pony

>>30447031
We need an estimate of your "regular ponies" The "specialty ponies" : the mane 6 and ponies with any kind of deformity.

>>30455457
See
>>30435847
>They can impregnate other ponies

>>30455558
you know what i dont care
I TAKE 10 DERPY'S

>>30455728
>Becomes the crazy derpy guy instead of a crazy cat lady
>Animal Rescue Anon shows up at door
Sir, we've gotten a complaint about.... Holy sshhit.
>Guys house is a mess, broken plates and glass everywhere. Every derpy is just tripping over each other
You're coming with us.

>>30455758
>never
starts trowing derpy's at the men
>and stay away

(https://youtu.be/Yuw1W_AN1zk?t=12)

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>>30455558
>>30455728
why are you namefagging, faggot

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>>30455709
Violates the "Additional Facts and FAQ" that Hassenfelds are designed to be infertile. After all, why would the company make them fertile? That would eliminate their monopoly on the market. Making them sterile would be the #1 priority of Hasbio; otherwise, people could just breed Hassenfelds and there goes the company. Customer Service didn't read the FAQ and didn't think this through.

>>30455780
i am me for not caring about you

>>30455776
>>30455758
I need a comic of this! Quickly someone get a drawfag on this!

Reminder to filter namefags.

Go to settings, enable filtering, and auto-hide robot797.

Am I able to force my mare to repeatedly breed and kill her foals in extremely degenerate ways?

>>30455804
boooo

>>30455784
learn english, faggot

>>30455808
Either >>30455709 or >>30455782 is true.

tl;dr: Depending on what "canon" your Hassenfeld is part of, you may be, you sick fuck.

How would the Big Mac model react to feeling the Ice Cold quench of Coca Cola™ in his anus?

>>30455872
Shilling ironically is still shilling.

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I have a slight problem.
I ordered a griffon from you guys for home protection and companionship.
I live in a rough neighborhood, and while can afford to move, I'm stuck 15 months into a 5 year lease. (Always read the fine print, kids)
I requested your "Gilda" model, but I was sent one named "Gabby".
Now, while she's super adorable and incredibly cuddly, she has zero aggression factor and actually goes out of her way to talk to strangers.
In a normal setting this would be O.K., but in my situation this has caused me to get robbed 3 times in the past month.
I was hoping, instead of a normal return and exchange, if there was any kind of audio or video tutorial I could give her to make her more aggressive and defensive.
I have to admit, I've grown rather fond of her.

>>30455356
No, all ponies have tracking built in. Only Hassenfeld has access to your pony's location information, and we only call up such data if requested by the owner.

>>30455558
$1,200 USD.

>>30455560
$1,400 USD.

>>30455580
Total cost for the Mane Six varies depending on which options you want. Do you want Unicorn or Alicorn Twilight?

>>30455782
Ponto, I made a compromise. Hassenfelds are fertile with other Hassenfelds, but not with humans due to unforeseen birth defects in the resulting satyrs.

>>30456027
Although we don't offer training courses, I'm sure some helpful content creators on the internet have created videos to help you train your Gabby to be more defensive of your property.

>>30456027
I've been thinking about getting a griffon. How are the pussies? Any noticeable difference from a pony?

>>30455290
Flurry Heart is an alicorn, but not a princess yet

>>30455356
>>30456073
Correction: I'm an idiot and I misread your question. Ponies born to other ponies indeed have no tracking device built in. Your local Hassenfeld office can implant one at no charge, provided you have the sales receipts for both parent ponies.

>>30455290
Flurry Heart is available to purchase, but she is not part of the Princess package.

>>30456073
>Ponto, I made a compromise.
This is one of those compromises that makes neither side happy.

>>30456095
>they can breed
Hello liquidation, my old friend
This business strategy will be our end~

>>30456115
Seems weird to go from being breedable in the last couple of threads to non-breedable now. But that's just me. What don't you like about the idea?

>>30456118
How about a canon wherein the owner and workers have made a fortune as is and don't care how long the company lasts? Also people will still need to rely on Hassenfeld for show-authentic ponies, as breeding produces a mixture of both parents as in traditional sexual reproduction.

Once again, all >MUH HEADCANNUHNZ. I will freely evade these questions regarding breeding and allow the rest of the userbase to decide if that makes you happy. Hell, I'll fuck off entirely from these threads if you want. You just have to tell me. I won't be offended if you want me to leave. I've had a lot of fun in these threads and it's only fair other people can have fun too. Hence why I opened it up to everyone this time around, but either nobody cared or nobody noticed. So give it to me straight. Should I stay or should I go?

>>30456149
If you go there will be trouble,
And if you stay it will be double

>>30456115
satyrs are shit, go back to your containment thread ^:)

>>30456171
Okay then. See ya.

My Celestia built a maskeshift assault rifle out of forks and pipes, and she keeps trying to "overthrow the government" by shooting thumbtacks at the mailman. How do I stop this behavior

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>>30456149
In decreasing order of importance:

1) It makes negative sense fiscally. Why would the company make them fertile? That would eliminate their monopoly on the market. Making them sterile would be the #1 priority of Hasbio; otherwise, people could just breed Hassenfelds and there goes the company.

2) It produces complications for the imprinting process, which is the defining feature of Hassenfelds. Hasbio manufactures Hassenfelds primed for imprinting upon release from the cryo-box; a newborn Hassenfeld has already existed for a few months in the womb and it's untenable that birth is a trigger for that kind of lifelong engineered imprinting, especially with the complication of the presence of the mother and probably veterinarian and the probable crying as they get liquid out of their lungs and so on.

So between it being the very, absolute last thing that Hasbio would possibly do—again, their #1 priority would be sterility—and the fact it scourges the single most important defining feature of Hassenfelds—that they come in cryo-boxes primed for imprinting—it is atrocious to say they can reproduce.

>>30456236

If you want to write Hassenfelds as non-breedable, then fine.

But don't try to force everyone to conform to your idea. That only leads to more bitching.

>>30456218
All you can do is praise the sun

>>30456218
Embrace it, this isn't any different than when a dog barks at the mailman. Tell her she's a good empress and pat her on the head. They like that.

>>30455115
Please no.

>>30456195
This indecision's buggin' me...

>>30456457

The writefag asked for tragedy. I gave him tragedy.

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I have two questions.

1. Is it possible to buy a Hassenfeld pony as a foal, or do you only sell adults?

And 2. How big do Alicorns get?

>>30456095
So the solution to my degenerate abuse fantasies is to breed hordes of foals that can't be tracked by (((Hassenfeld)))?

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>>30456708
Even if Hassenfelds could reproduce, they still have distress signals that Hassenfeld can zero in on.

But you can still abuse your Hassenfeld so long as you do not go overboard and activate the distress signals. Pinkie's >>30435984 were not activated because she didn't feel in exigent distress because he was also loving and it made her happy to make him happy. Twilight's >>30443328 were not activated because while the abuse was ubiquitous in every manner of her life, it wasn't severe enough, and her philosophy begot acceptance and even preference for her slavery.

>>30452361
Take her to /pol/ for a bit. That'll fix her.
Alternatively, if you have "harvest of Sorrow" by Robert Conquest, read that to her at night.

>>30456694
They sell foals which you raise into adults

I would assume that they would be a little shorter than the average male human

The following is an uplifting slice of life, continuing >>30443338 after Anon gets a new Twilight Sparkle, from whose perspective it is told. Anon has changed and the perspective of his new Twilight contrasts with that of the original to reflect this.

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>>30443338
>You are a Hassenfeld Pony.
>Your name is Twilight Sparkle.
>Anon, your caretaker, will be home in two hours. Anon doesn't make you do chores, but you enjoy giving back to the caregiver who means everything to you and cares for you in every way.
>Even if you didn't belong to him on paper, you would choose to belong to him. You are glad that Hassenfeld ponies are not free, for if you were, you could not be his.
>When you were six months old, you asked Anon for a book about Hassenfeld ponies. You were curious because you are Twilight Sparkle—the bioengineering company designed you this way—and you learned that you love Anon because he imprinted on you.
>You were made to love and be loved, and loved you are and love. There could not be a more beauteous purpose than this.
>You wonder if Anon's previous Twilight felt the same way.
>You return to reading Sarte.

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>>30456950
>"Existence precedes essence," Sarte writes. "What do we mean by saying that existence precedes essence? We mean that man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world – and defines himself afterward. If man as the existentialist sees him as not definable, it is because to begin with he is nothing. He will not be anything until later, and then he will be what he makes of himself. Man is condemned to be free."
>Crosby expounds, "Strut, fret, and delude ourselves as we may, our lives are of no significance, and it is futile to seek or to affirm meaning where none can be found."
>Existentialism applies neither to you nor any Hassenfeld pony; the Hassenfeld paradigm inverts it. For man, existence precedes essence, and he must then define himself in a meaningless world lost on a path he trailblazes blind burdened by the self he wrought by choice to which he freely condemns himself.
>For you, essence precedes existence. Hassenfeld Brothers sculpted you before you existed with the kernel of your personality and to love your owner who defines you, and from your essence and for what you exist ever flows sublime meaning given freely to you: to love and be loved.
>Anon will be home soon. You can't wait to please him.

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>>30456956
>You lie cradled in bed against Anon whom you love. Ever since your earliest memories of him teaching you to read, he has read to you every night.
>After he reads to you another tale from the Brothers Grimm, you snuggle against him, and he hugs you.
"Anon?" you ask. Anon never talks about his previous Twilight.
"What did your former Twilight think of being your Hassenfeld pony?"
>His expression shattered like glass.
>"Oh Twilight, please forgive me," he says, and wraps his arms around your curled up body and hugs you tenderly. The way he said it, you suspect his supplication was addressed to the previous Twilight with you as a proxy. Did Anon do something terrible to his former Twilight and he's seeking redemption through you?
>"I...," he continues, "I don't know how she felt. I... please forgive me, Twilight—I used her and hurt her on purpose, all her life, and never knew her. Sickening Anon! How could I do that? Twenty-five years of treating her like a slave to hurt and fuck and fuck while hurting—that was her life! How could," he sobbed, "—how could her last words have been that she's had a beautiful life? Oh Twilight, please forgive me." He buried his lachrymose face in your fur and held you tight as if against the fate that took her.
>But you are not she. How do you respond? Surely Anon could not have been that bad, but it is not your place to question it.
>However, there is no reason for one's final words to be anything but the uncompromised truth.
"Anon," you say, and lay the side of your head against his. "She said she had a beautiful life."
>You didn't know how, but you could guess.
>Anon hugged you until you fell asleep in his arms, your head resting against him reciprocating his love.
>Tomorrow was another day in your beautiful life.

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>>30454879
>However, with controlled diet and exercise, it is possible to enlarge your pony's rear.

What would you recommend for that? I mean what specific foods and exercises? I've never owned a Hassenfeld before so I don't know what would be best for this.

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Later I may continue >>30456966 with >>30455115, for which I wrote it as a character and perspective establishment, but I work through Friday and may not be able to write. So >>30456945 also stands alone as a slice of life in the vein of a variant of >>30444348 and as a bittersweet epilogue to Twilight the Hassenfeld Pony.

Hello customer service I got a problem with my hassenfeld.
I recently purchased a Fluttershy model and a couple days ago I was making meat steak for the 4th of July weekend and as soon as my hassenfeld saw that I was eating meat, she became extremely catatonic.
She is breathing eat she will still eat and drink but she will not answer any or she will not respond to any verbal communication.
I do not like to use the reset on my ass and felt absolutely hate doing that so is there any way that I could possibly fix the problem without a reset?

>>30457074

It's generally a combination of the Hassenfeld-specific amino-acid supplements and plenty of exercise. Fortunately, Pinkie is one of those who has a naturally high metabolism.

A lot of "rearing" (time spent on her back hooves), literally and you'll bias her backline, though that can cause gait problems if you overdo it- most Pinkies end up with a pronking gait anyway. Make sure she's getting plenty of HSAA supplementals (but no more than 120% of suggested or you'll cause nutritional deficiencies elsewhere). The best way to keep a Pinkie up on her hind hooves a lot is dexterity work on her forehooves- whether that's games, learning to bake (it may as well be genetically coded into the template for how often Pinkies end up loving it), or other tasks that involve her as vertical as possible. Some time spent in a human-style tumbling class is a very good idea, as it'll help keep her growing muscles flexible, and Pinkies tend to see it as playtime with children anyway (a filly can start that sort of thing with 8-12 year old humans at 25% growth cycle, and will be able to keep up with late highschool level humans by 75-80% development).

Spread the exercise load around. Pinkies aren't great at focusing on any one thing for too long, so mix up the routine as long as the activity levels remain constant. You'll have a plumply plotted Ponk, but to get that and keep it means a high-activity, high calorie, and near maximal protein intake. Hassenfelds build mass at about a 75-25 muscle-to-fat ratio, which is marginally higher than "real" horses. Be sure to include plenty of treats (and if she picks up baking, she'll make them herself and save you the work), too! Positive reinforcement and a high-activity routine (that doesn't seem like one to your Pinkie) will get you a pony that many acrobats will envy and a set of hindquarters you can literally bounce a dollar coin off of. Don't attempt to megacalorie- you lose more size in atrophication than fat gain.

>>30457509
That was incedibly informative, thanks Anon.

>>30457786

I've got, along with everyone else half a dozen Pinkies in the Hassenfeld herd we keep here on Looking-Glass Ranch. Some people say that's too many Pinkie Pies, but it's more like a self-sustaining cycle of Ponkness. They're really good at keeping each other motivated and entertained, and the rest of the herd by association.

Hassenfeld herding is more a social thing than most households could carry, but we're a rotating group for the tri-county area to give singles and doubles time with a larger social grouping than they usually get. Other than the Pinkies, we've got the full Apple line to give the herd a backbone (they're also surprisingly good at the whole social event thing, you'd swear they're Pinkie-cousins or something), and both Aloes to boot (and yes, they're chiropractic qualified for multiple species!).

Earth pony phenotypes are naturally gregarious and a week or two spent herding does wonders for destressing and theraputics. for any Hassenfeld.

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>>30456079
I couldn't give you a comparison; I've never been with a pony.
The only thing I could compare it to is human vagina, and I can tell you, without doubt, that catbird is better.
Their internal muscle control is incredible.
Just one bit of advice: Have them wear gloves on their talons.
Griffons like to latch onto whatever they can while love-making.
And during orgasm, they can tear through pillows and mattresses just as easily as the skin on your back.

>>30435649
So basically these are just fluffies but not as reviled by this board

>>30435661
This is just another version of those "fluffy" ponies that's been floating around for a long while, only these involve sex slavery instead of pet abuse

>>30458467
>>30458474
>nooooo these aren't fluffies because muh magical distress signals that stop abuse and means abusers get to end up with bubba but my sex slaver totally doesn't set it off.
Yeah I think this is basically fluffies but with more intelligence and sex.

>>30456790
To send any form of signal that could be picked up on by the company there would need to be some form of tech to transmit this. It would make sense that this is part of the tracking chip so if it was bought it'd be put in then but if it was born in the owners care there wouldn't be one unless they chose to get it implanted.

>>30456149
I could see that somewhat being the case. Maybe after the initial boom and when Hassenfelds became more popular and common place it became similar to the motor industry in that dealers don't make much on sales and most of their profit comes from aftersales and servicing. Like you could breed your own but Hassenfeld wouldn't provide support unless you took out the equivalent of a service plan or paid for the consultation. It would also give reason for specialists to appear like >>30457509, >>30458392, kind of like how there are garages who only deal with a certain type of car but they are the masters when it comes to them. Then the other side of that is the dodgy places that'll do whatever you want so long as you have the cash but then it means the more official places wouldn't touch it due to the work you've had done.

Could i order a pony but without the whole imprinting thing?
Id want our relationship to be as genuine as possible and i believe that imprinting is not real love

>>30458956
Sorry, but this option is no longer available due to the very high frequency of rejection and resulting product returns in the past.

>>30458932
Hassenfelds love their owners and very seldom consider it slavery.

>>30459158
Like how those in abusive relationships don't always consider it abuse. At the end of the day getting a Hassenfeld is buying a living, breathing self aware organism that's been conditioned (brainwashed) to become attached to the buy regardless of whether that's what they'd want or not.

Honestly if Hassenfelds were real and released the way they're presented here chances are there'd be massive outrage and they'd either be canned before they get off the ground or changed to be like an advanged furby in that they're basically a computer reacting to outside stimulus. It's still fun to talk and think about though, at least as long as nobody gets really serious about it and saying their word is law.

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>>30459244
>It's still fun to talk and think about though
Yes, this is what makes the concept so great. But would there be massive outrage, or would it be like PETA where most people disregard them? After all, Hassenfelds are happy, just like how pets are happy—and PETA thinks having a pet is a violation of animal rights.

Even the Twilight in >>30443328 who is highly intelligent and considers it sex slavery and has an abusive owner still prefers to be a Hassenfeld pony than to be free, thanks to the mental gymnastics of her inversion of existentialism to which I subscribe and which is why I want to be a Hassenfeld pony. Hassenfelds are a fascinating concept, and this is why I love them.

>>30457509

Interesting. Do you know what it would take to achieve similar results with other breeds?

Are there no-hooves versions?

Can i get a pony that imprints on more than one person?
I have a wife and 2 children and id like the pony to be the family pet and love as all equally

Are there models designed to work with the disabled?

>>30435649
I recently purchased one of your Bulk Biceps models, both for use as a gym partner and for home defense. Very happy with the product so far, but I was wondering if it's possible to purchase more of the nutrient paste? 6 week's supply just isn't going to cut it. Also, have there been any studies on the effects of trenbolone acetate on Hassenfeld physiology?

>>30460127
We do not produce or have any plans to create any non-ungulate product.

>>30460312
More than one person in the room at the time of imprinting produces varying results. Sometimes the Hassenfeld latches on to one, at times to more than one but to different degrees. We do not recommend attempting imprinting with more than two persons, and for two persons they should gently alternate the pony between them, stepping away from the pony at regular intervals to allow him or her to bond with the other.

>>30461150
Any Hassenfeld can be trained to work with the disabled; Hassenfeld ponies are as intelligent as humans.

>>30461625
The provided nutrient paste is designed to be sufficient, and it is dangerous to extend nutrient paste beyond the six-week growth period. If your pony is on a calorie-intensive regimen during that period of six weeks and you believe the provided nutrient paste is insufficient, please bring him to your local Hassenfeld office for evaluation and additional nutrient paste may be provided upon prognostication.

>>30435649
Someone was doing one where a guy and a biotoy pony pet end up in Equestria. Dunno if it was Hassenfeld but it got pretty deep after the pet pony was confronted by Twilight. Something about how the pet pitied other ponies because she was born with purpose while everyone else had to find theirs.

There was another where working pony pets existed in the same universe as the fluffy ones. It had a Rainbow Dash model.

Anyone know of these or where to find them?

>>30462772
The latter is the untitled slice of life in the OP.

I am interested in the former; I'll search the archive for old Hassenfeld threads later and may find it.

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My Rainbow brought home what seems to be a stray pegasus filly. How a stray even happened, I'm unsure. They both seem attached to each other now and my Rainbow wants to know if the filly can stay. The filly says she doesn't recall a former owner. Am I legally allowed to do that? I can care for two ponies and I don't want to break Rainbow's heart.

>>30461625

>trenbolone acetate

Very difficult to dose properly for a Hassenfeld and capable of some rough side effects, ironically one of them IS developmental wing dystrophy in pegasi foals. Liver damage is also a very real danger. Not recommended.

Stanozolol or boldenone-undecylenate are safer choices, but none of them should be done without vet supervision, and one that's a Hassenfeld specialist also. Pegasi bone and muscle structure is by far the most prone to developmental defects due to environmental contamination, given their hybridized form.

In fact, I wouldn't even consider steroid use until adult age unless there's clear signs of anemia (which is most common in Blueblood models and unicorns, not pegasi Hassenfeld lines).

>>30462311
Your not the Hassenfeld Customer Service representative. Who are you and what did you do with him?!

My mare has accidentally imprinted upon my (Male) dog. Now she ignores me and interferes with my daily interactions with him. She is very protective of my dog and is aggressive towards myself and others. What should I do?

My Aryanne stuffed my Jewish land Lord in my oven and I can't get the stench out of my oven. Does my warranty cover objects destroyed by my Hassenfeld?

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>>30456966
jesus fucking christ anon I wasn't expecting to see the Artificial Intelligence movie in this bread

>>30462311
If I mostly just feed him the nutrient paste even after six weeks will he become a big guy?

>>30462311
This man is a phony.

>>30462772

>Someone was doing one where a guy and a biotoy pony pet end up in Equestria. Dunno if it was Hassenfeld but it got pretty deep after the pet pony was confronted by Twilight. Something about how the pet pitied other ponies because she was born with purpose while everyone else had to find theirs.

Hassenfelds meeting actual Equestrians sounds like it would lead to Equestria invading Earth to free them all.

>>30463229
>>30464353
I have added "Line 2" to my name to clarify that I am not the other Customer Service. Customer Service said in >>30435663 that if he is away, someone else can step in, and Customer Service and I co-authored the OP and the FAQ; we discussed it at length for hours. Is it alright with the thread if I step in while he's away?

>>30464343
Nutrient paste accelerates the life cycle; without it, a Hassenfeld pony takes three to five years to mature instead of six weeks. If you continue to feed your pony nutrient paste, your pony will age rapidly and die young. We do not condone this practice or provide additional nutrient paste without a veterinarian's prescription.

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>>30463634
If I am not making anons feel, I am not doing my job.

However, I think that in this case, I will conclude with that epilogue. I cannot think of how to execute the motivating premise well, how to effectually write from within the mind of a mentally retarded Twilight. Regardless, it may detract from the story, which was about the life and mind of the original Twilight >>30443338 and how she made a heaven of her hell.

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>>30465088
Anon, so vituperative, and against something that is not at all true. >>30443328 is a story of a life and mind into which I poured some of myself. Ivan Karamazov from the Dostoyevsky's The Brothers Karamazov inspired it, and Twilight's inversion of existentialism reflects why I want to be a Hassenfeld pony: she explains how her slavery is her freedom. The story quotes three great works of literature into which Twilight forges a new philosophy, reflecting a deep and bibliophilic unicorn, to cope with what most would find misery. It is a story of how, as Milton writes, “The mind is its own place and in itself \ Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven,"—how it was the abuser who chose hell and slavery in freedom and the slave who found heaven and freedom in slavery.

Tell me again that is a thinly veiled abuse fic.

>>30465207
Just ignore this guy. He thinks his green is hot shit. Truth be told, he's only half right.

>>30465252
What's ludicrous is that that anon is telling a writefag to fuck off because he doesn't like the feels. Who the fuck cares that he comes to these threads for comfiness? Does he forget that we have feels threads regularly? Most anons like to feel. >>30465207 thinks that just because he doesn't like it, nobody likes it. What an egotistical asshole.

>>30464880
>inb4 Equestrians pretending to be Hassenfelds

>>30465313
Where do you think those screencaps come from?

>There are people in this thread, right now, who think posts and threads are rare commodities that should be preserved at all costs and that another thread just can't be made if one reaches the bump limit

>>30465313
Problem is, this thread is so niche that nobody would know what a Hassenfeld is if you post feels in another thread. The only three people that really seem to even participate in these threads are the faggot who plays a shitty Q&A rep, the guy who writes feels because he knows he'll get (You)'s, and the autist who wants to go all DEEPEST LORE and shit.

>>30465310

Why would they?

Aside from maybe to go undercover into Hassenfeld facilities.

>War between Equestria and Earth is in full force
>Spy Pone sent into enemy territory to learn as much as she can and take it back to Equestria
>pretends to be a lost Hassenfeld pony who's previous owner got killed in a raid by Equestrians
>lack of implants are explained away as her being a second generation pony, the offspring of two factory made Hassenfelds
>Spy alone gets sent to a used Hassenfeld store, where she is bought by a human named Anonymous
>Expects to be abused like all the horror stories
>Anon is actually very kind for a Hassenfeld owner.
>he doesn't demand sex or abuse her
>he gives her space, believing it'll take time for her to get over the imprinting of her previous owner
>all he asks from her is to do some household chores while he's at work and provide companionship while he's at home
>Spy Pone feels conflicted

>>30465362
That happens in literally every thread on the board. They don't count here because they don't sustain the thread. The only people who keep this place alive are the three I already mentioned.

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>>30465328
You do realize your opinion isn't fact, right? Because that would be pretty fucking stupid. I suppose you didn't like The Perfect Pear because it was a feels story? Any story worth a grain of salt makes people feel something, be it hope or sadness or arousal or fuzzy warmness or complex, multi-layered feelings that don't have names. I've written in all these genres.

>>30465331
The thing about that story is that it explains what a Hassenfeld pony is in the first post. This is why I've seen people repost it elsewhere.

>>30465425
>I've written in all these genres.
Really? Because all you seem to write are ones that cause sad feels. What, that Twilight one with the existential crisis, the Pinkie Pie green with thoughts about death, and of course how could we forget Starlight's infibulation. Which also spawned a cancerous meme.

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>>30465437
I deplore that meme; it bastardizes my story by inuring anons to the premise before they even read it and wreaking a reflexive antipathy. I wish people would stop and just post it in feels threads where it belongs.

Below are the "yes, really."

>>30465459
Please be more civilized. Here is the proof.

Here is my "fuzzy warmness" green that someone uploaded to the booru: https://derpibooru.org/1293781.

Here is my "arousal but also sadness" green that someone uploaded to the booru: https://derpibooru.org/1334218.

Here is my "hopeful" green that I wrote about finding Equestria after death: https://pastebin.com/nEnDSdhG.