my first attempt at an AiE fic. it's an early work in p

>>29067160
Bookmarked. I'll check it out later

>>29067160
>In this fic, EqG doesn't exist
Isnt that a normal attribute to most fics that take place in the canon universe?

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Not bad.
Could have used more of a build up instead of just barging right into shit imo.
But tastes etc.

Not keen on the random image addresses strewn about all over the place.
Can't be bothered opening new shit and then cutpasteing, like most of the people who are going to be reading stuff. It just gets in the way of the reading.
If you absolutely must show your reader an image as part of the story you need to embed it so it's instantly visible (and use a medium that allows embedding).

Decent effort. Will check back to see how far this rabbit hole goes.

>>29067160
Not bad. I enjoyed it. The dialog parts where all 6 + celestia were talking at once was a little overwhelming

>>29069198

>>29067160
Dash a cute! For real, i love how you wrote her

>>29067219
Mostly, yeah. Although I have come across a few where the EqG universe does exist. I just wanted to make it clear that the Anon is a normal human from "our" world.

>>29067239
Thanks for the advice. I initially had build up, but I wasn't quite satisfied, so I scrapped it. Guess I'll have to go back and fix things.

>>29068124
I kind of see what you're saying. It was my first time writing a scene with the Mane 6. lol

Thanks for all the advice and criticism. I'm always looking to improve.

>>29067160
Its good since you're starting. No major flaws. Try not to start off every other sentence with >You. I also notice that you're cutting a lot of sentences short that could be merged into larger sentences. Just use your vocabulary to the fullest extent. Sometimes you'll find its better to switch things around.
Example, Instead of
>You are Anonymous.
>And right now, you're lost in the Everfree Forest.
^Does not yet know the name of the location, slightly irritating for nit picky readers like me
>You're filthy and exhausted.
>One thing is certain, you're not sure how you ended up here.
>The last thing you remember was being in your room.
>After waking up, you found yourself here...
>Since then, you've been wandering around in these marshy woods for hours now...
>You sigh, deciding to take a rest.

Try something like
>20, Single and ready to mingle, you- Anonymous, are stranded in who knows where.
>It wasn't long ago that you woke up, only to find yourself not in the dark comforts of your room, but the shadowy trap of swampy vegetation.
>How you got here has yet to be explained, especially since you've never slept walk in your life!
>Damp, dirty, and lost in the thick woods, escaping it comes down to your amateur survival skills attained from that one episode of Bear grills you watched.
>Despite the short time frame between waking up and the fruitless attempts to escape this gloomy garden, you decide to rest and set up shop.

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>>29067239
Pretty much this. Work on your pacing and give things time to happen "naturally".

>>29067160
why don't you post in AiE then?

>>29067160
Tell me why you think you deserve your own thread instead of posting it on Aie instead?

>>29067160
>AiE
Anime is Everything?