You guys think your lives suck? I'm trying to get into the

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You guys think your lives suck? I'm trying to get into the military, and despite being more than qualified, they won't take me, so I'm stuck in a dead-end job cleaning up a small town in the middle of nowhere. Then there's my so-called friends, who haven't really been helping with anything.

The first one is this shy beta bitch who I swear is a stoner. She's really into animals, but everything else scares her. She's so fucking quiet, and she's constantly apologizing for some shit.

Then there's this inbred hick farmer who lives on the outskirts of town. She's always saying she's better than me at everything, and she's always challenging me to some bullshit competitions to prove it.

There's also this stuck-up fashion designer who talks like she's from the fucking '30s. She's always bitching and she couldn't be more dramatic if she tried. She's obsessed with her looks, too, and she's always making me try on her next stupid dress.

And then there's some weirdo crackhead bitch who just doesn't know when to shut up. I honestly have no idea what the hell goes through her mind.

But the worst has to be this nerdy bitch who moved in from out of town recently. She really puts the “smart” in “smartass,” and she's constantly reading or some shit. Not to mention that she's always dragging me and the others along on dangerous errands, which often end with us taken out of the picture while she pulls a solution out of her ass, and we don't even get as much as noticed while she takes all the fucking glory.

As if that weren't bad enough, I’ve got this little kid stalking me and shit and apparently she thinks I'm a fucking superhero. She always hangs out with these two other girls who are constantly getting themselves hurt.

And I only put up with all this shit because I have no other choice. I swear, the only thing keeping me from putting a bullet through my fucking head at this point is the fact that I'm the fastest flyer in Equestria.