>"Anon told me he was going to give me a facial today!

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STOP IT RIGHT NOW! DERPY IS PURE AND INNOCENT

>>28257697
She still will be, so long as she never finds out.

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>>28257714
NO. FUCKING STOP. SHE IS FOR CUDDLES AND SNUGGLES. NOT FACIALS AND SPITROASTS.

>>28257731
mods

>>28257685
Tell her I'm going to give her a pearl necklace.

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>>28257768
<"Wow, really Anon?! Thank you! I'll wear it to the next Gala!"

Tell Derpy I will teach her this great workout, that the Canterlot Upper Class call the Menage a Trois

>>28257685
I'd grab her hoof in my hand and tell her that is how my people say hello.

>>28258353
I chuckled.

Can't we just make Derpy do funny shit instead of having sex with her?

I betcha can't bite your ear, derp.

>>28258396
>Derpy trying to bite her own ear

This idea is adorable

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>>28257812
>yfw she does

>>28258396
Now, Derpy, this is very important. See that bucket? the one with the big hole in it. I need you to go fetch water in that bucket. It must be completely full when you return. Leave the hole, the hole is important. The bucket must be full of water AND still have the hole in it. I can trust you, right? You're a super star, you can't possibly screw this up. Go make me proud, kid.

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>>28258638
>yfw she fills the bucket with ice

>>28258661
Curses, foiled again.

Good job, Derp. Now, go to the barn and sit by the rooster until he lays an egg.

>>28258638
>>28258661


>You constantly keep trying to set her up to fail for harmless pranks.
>Her natural derpiness keeps finding ways to succeed, even when it seems impossible.

I CALLETH UPON ONE OF THE MOST REVERED TYPES OF FAGOT, THE WRITEFAG TO COME AND BLESS US WITH THE GIFT OF GREEN, AND IN RETURN WE SHALL ETERNALLY PRAISE YOU!

>>28257685
>implying she doesnt completly unest dantd

>>28258661
Where would you get a bucket shaped block of ice?

>>28260745
From another bucket?

>>28257685
fuck wow OP thats hot

>>28258690
>Anon, Anon! I figured it out!
Derpy flies in a drunken spiral towards you, spins out, and lands atop the basket of a dozen eggs she'd been carrying. Every egg has been smashed.
>I waited by the rooster like you asked, and I learned how he does it! he lays his eggs *inside the hens*!
Derpy beams through a facefull of eggshell and wet dirt.
"Uhm, good job, Derp." You pat her gently on the head and notice her mane is sticky with egg. You wipe your hand on a clean part of her neck. She's still smiling like an ethiopian with a big juicy orange.

"Next, uhhhh...go find me some four-leafed clovers. A whole basket full. Don't eat them, just bring them here"

Derpy gives you a ^_^ face, still oblivious to the mess she's covered in, and floats off.

"Damn," you remark, wiping your hands again, "I'm running out of ideas."

Where's my large weight, and my long stand?

>>28257685
Twist:
Derpy wants Anon to do lewd things to her but Anon does innocent things instead.

>>28263771
Derpy flies back to you in that same untraceably chaotic arc, her wings flapping clumsily in the late afternoon sun. She's carrying a bundle of green matter, dropping leaves and sticks as she veers this way and that.

>I looked all afternoon and couldn't find a single four leafed clover like you asked...
her voice dips with disappointment,
>I started thinking I wasn't very lucky...
She brightens up again,
>But *then* I found all these *five* leafed clovers behind Treehugger's house! Tgey were hidden under some camoflage netting, she must not have known they were there. They smell funny, though, I think a skunk sprayed them.

These "five-leafed clovers" have pointy, lobed leaves and sticky, fragrant flower buds. You smile brightly.

"You done good, Derp. You done real good. It's four o'clock now, meet me at sugar cube corner in twenty minutes. We're gonna need some cupcakes...and to ask Pinkie Pie about...well, anything. It's gonna be a good night, Derpy. I'm proud of you.

>^_^

>>28264779
Stoner derpy when?

>>28264779
You and Derpy sit on a hiltop overlooking Ponyville, the sun just barely occluded by mountains in the distance. You watch as the sky changes from gold, to red, to pink, to purple as the moon rises and stars pierce the darkening sky. You are surrounded by cupcake wrappers and your head rests on Derpy's flank as your brain marinates in a pleasant, smoky stew of Treehugger's kind, organic, indica-dominant headstash. Derpy braids a daisy chain...poorly.
>It's like...the other ponies... it's like they *want* me to screw up. Everyone knows I'm a loose horseshoe but they keep asking me to do things, anyway. Isn't that, like, their fault instead of mine? I was born like this, but they treat me like I'm just not trying hard enough. It's just this cycle of, like,
>*puff**cough*cough*
>resentment, man.

"That sucks. Maybe they just, like, feel bad and, like...dont want you to feel *cough* left out? Of doing things, I mean."

>Yeah, but the way I see it, *cough cough* It's kind of their fault. I mean, if you ask somepony to do something and expect them to fail, isn't that your fault, not *cough* theirs? I mean, they lived up to your expectations, it's you who didnt plan right, didn't find the right pony for the job.

You muse on this, it's not an angle you had considered. You've never known Derpy to be so articulate and...self aware. You turn your head to look at her and her reddened eyes seem somehow straighter than usual.

>Well, I guess that's life...
she muses, seemingly more to herself than to you.
>I have a good home here. I love my little sister, I bake my muffins, I guess it's anypony else's problem if they don't like me.
Your face twists in an evil grin.
"About those muffins...care to try a batch with a...heh, heh...secret ingredient?"

bump to see if anyone wants this to continue

>>28266520
Me wants.

>>28265841
One week later...
>Sugarcube corner has a line out the door at all hours. Pinkie's strawberry cinnamon cilantro cupcakes are suddenly everypony's favorite.
>Rarity's boutique has turned its merchandise line over almost exclusively to tie-dyed peasant dresses.
>Angel is less of an asshole because he now gets brushed every twenty minutes. Discord now lives on fluttershy's couch and she doesn't seem to notice. Everyone seems to enjoy his antics a lot more.
>The Apples are even busier than usual, thanks to increased demand for pie. Mmm, pie.
>Rainbow dash has taken to shoving all the clouds in a corner with a dismissive, "I'll deal with it later." The concentration of rain in one spot creates a new lake which quickly becomes everypony's favorite swimming hole.
>Twilight begins writing to Celestia again, sometimes several times a day. "Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that I have exactly twelve eyelashes. Is this normal? Am I supposed to have more? Do you think everypony else already noticed and makes fun of me behind my back? Yours Truly, The Purple Pony. P.S. Holy shit, I have wings.

"Well, my little pony, we certainly have made a mark around here."
Derpy looks up at you with the blissful, cross-eyed smile you've come to love.
>Yeah! Everypony is so calm and...happy! We really brought the town together!
You smile back in honest camaraderie,
"Your new muffin recipe is to thank. It's kind of screwed up that ponies will eat anything gift wrapped from an anonymous sender, don't you think? We could have been out to poison everypony."
Derpy giggles excitedly,
>"Anon, it's *our* secret muffin recipe!"
She nuzzles you tenderly, leaving a long strand of drool on your pants.
>"Hey, remember when I went out looking for four-leafed clovers, and I said I must not be very lucky?"
"Ok..." You reply, not sure where this is going.
>"I almost gave up, but then I realized...I *am* lucky! Lucky to have a friend like you."

The end.

>>28266854
>"I almost gave up, but then I realized...I *am* lucky! Lucky to have a friend like you."
My heart melted, anon.

>>28266854
Man I feel really warm inside after reading this

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>>28266854
wow, good job anon, i got diabetes while reading it.

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Give me a hug
>Derpy gives you hug
You hold the derpy mailmare in your arms thinking how lucky you are to cuddle such a nice mare
>She isn't real
But she is. She is the emblem of our autism. And if we hug hard enough, we can hug each other across the globe.

I love you all

come on derpy, lets make a cream pie.

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>>28268944
A cream pie? I like cream pies, anon. Let's make one!

>>28266854
Good job

>>28268930
This is the most cringy remark I have ever seen in the entire fandom.

>>28268930
>>28269652
I totally loved it.

Fun fact. Muffins has a little brother with a snowflake cutie mark

>>28269805
nuts, I thought that was a sister.

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>>28269877
You can't tell the difference between colts and fillies?

>>28269884
He's not on screen for very long iirc, but thanks for the screen cap, it's pretty obvious now. I guess I assume they're all female until proven otherwise...this show is mostly about girleh ponehs.

>>28269944
im shocked no one noticed

>>28269652
You're just sad 'cause you're too shy to get in on the hug.

>>28266854
>>28257685
>>28258353
>>28258532
>>28258638
This turned from lewd to qt and innocent pretty quick...

>>28272965
Yeah.

...still want sloppy, innocent Derpy BJ though.

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>>28257685
>yfw your entire thread was derailed by qt faggotry

>>28273492
>The current year.
>Not having the current erection/sloppy pocket