I am looking for honest critiques on a scifi story I am writing.

This is not the introduction to the story. I was told in lastnights thread to introduce the story with the focus on the protagonist, and in a POV perspective, as well as leave out some of the "dry details". I will take that into consideration.

>In my story the main character is a Marine who is deployed to board enemy ships and engage in close quarters combat in a very unforgiving vacuum (and sometimes zero G, and toxic) environment where most of his friends are killed. He is very patriotic and loves serving in the military, he looks forward to the day he can be dischared and go to college, but after killing several men and watching many of his friends die, he begins to become demoralized and simpithize with the the rebels. He wants to return home and be with his wife and son, but after witnessing the execution of much of his platoon who were wounded and had surrendured. He becomes an even more merciless and effective Marine, receiving many accolades, medals, and awards. He ends up becoming an alcoholic and high ranking enlisted man in his 30s after being divorced from his wife and losing custody of his son. He spirals further into insanity and is executed by firing squad arter murdering several POWs under his supervision. His son also enlists in the military at the age of 18, knowing almost nothing about his father, and only meeting him once when he was a child.

There is much more to the story but that's the bread and butter.

>>9939676

I remember reading the thread and not replying last night, even though I meant to. Sorry about that.
You might want to add some of the elaboration from the last thread, explaining where this fits into the story (i.e. it's not the beginning, though contrary to some opinions in the last thread I think it works as a method of throwing the reader into the world it's creating) and the rest of the plot in broad strokes (the main character being disillusioned by the war).
Anyway:

I like what you've got here. Would I be right in thinking you're inspired by a mixture of Tom Clancy-esque modern war novels with a focus on military hardware and military sci-fi like Starship Troopers?

My only real complaint comes in with the technicals: If the BOARD stops rapidly via explosives, what stops the marines inside from getting splattered? You might want a quick line explaining it, seeing as you've gone into so much detail here.

The little technical niggles aside, I like what's here. A nice crunchy bit of military sci-fi exposition that very much sets the world it takes place in. I'd like to see a sample of the story proper, to get a handle on the style of that before I pass judgement, but it's looking good even before we take into account any lack of formal education.

Heading to bed now, as it's 3am here in Britain, but if the thread's still up in the morning I'll be back.

>>9939676
>>Battalion Ordanince Assault & Reconnaissance Delivery


Ordinance? most text editors come with a spell checker. don't use your phone to compose text.


>>After the naval engagement at Remiter in 2142, a need for disrupting and engaging an enemy flagship beyond its engagement range was noted by the USSC.

passive voice, lol

> A contract for a boarding device capable of delivering a squad of marines (16 personnel) to an enemy warship was submitted to the public.


passive voice again. if you're parodying the official military tone, then fine.


> Tycron Heavy Industry Orbital was awarded the contract. The BOARD is capable of delivering a vehicle to an enemy vessel at ranges of 1.37Ls, beyond the ranges of almost all rail accelerators and thermal weapons currently fielded by the rebellion. It is also capable of launching ECMs, chaff, and


is this based on a roleplaying combat system?

your "bread and butter" description below leads me to think this story has a touch of what's called Lincoln Stebbins-Moreland syndrome, or "I am the ultimate Bad-Ass". ultimate bad-ass stories appeal to teenaged boys, but they don't often have much depth to them.

>>9940518
It actually does read like a military handbook, I did technical writing for the state department for four years, they just don't have editors. Bunch of idiots hiring the equivalent of plumbers to write shit for them on their breaks.

>>9940518
Putting aside the spelling errors (which are excusable, as they can be fixed later, but worth bringing attention to), you seem to be getting irritated at genre conventions. Military fiction with a heavy focus on the hardware reads like that, hence the passive voice and 'roleplaying combat system' levels of spec listing.

As for the Lincoln Stebbins-Moreland syndrome (where in the hell is that phrase from), that's why I want to see something from the character's POV. Seeing as this is a solid bit of military sci-fi exposition, that's where any big weaknesses would be.