Which do you think is the better sentence? >In a thick drawl

>>9897668
The first sentence is just horrible. Second one is better, but feels like it should still be rewritten. As for your second question, I personally think if you want to show an accent vividly you have to write phonetically otherwise everyone speaks with a generic male or female voice

>>9897668

>In his thick southern drawl, accented distinctively by a semantic ignorance, he politely demanded, "Please, no tomatoes for me!" upon the offering of such an offensive fruit.

>>9897668
>>9897718

>In his thick southern drawl, distinctively accented by semantic ignorance, he politely demanded, "Please, no tomatoes for me, now!" upon being offered such a personally offensive fruit.

It was only an 'opeless fancy.
It passed like an Ipril dye,
But a look an' a word an' the dreams they stirred!
They 'ave stolen my 'eart awye!

>>9897756

The cockney accent is a blight unto this earth and must be wiped away

>>9897668

'Thick drawl' and 'harsh accent' is redundant. 'Which' in the first sentence is to be avoided, and the description of the dialect there is awkward. The use of dialect is easily overdone and requires the right touch, otherwise it becomes distracting and off-putting. Dickens is about the only author who carried it off successfully. It's best to just stick it in occasionally. The example in the second sentence, short as it is, is too much.

Consider this:
>In a thick drawl that spat out round O's as sideways A's, he rejected the offending fruit: 'Please, no tomatoes.'
Among other things, the description of the dialect echoes the distaste for the food being discussed

>>9897668

This yokel honky rube scum told me he didn't like tomatoes.

>>9897710
>but feels like it should still be rewritten.

How so?

to paraphrase Zizek, they're both worse.
odds are you're just a bad writer.

File: 1502603178950.jpg (5KB, 250x174px) Image search: [Google]

5KB, 250x174px

>>9897787

>First Person

File: 2017.jpg (63KB, 1280x720px) Image search: [Google]

63KB, 1280x720px

>>9897799

>implying me is a first person pronoun anymore

>>9897786
>>In a thick drawl that spat out round O's as sideways A's, he rejected the offending fruit: 'Please, no tomatoes.'
this is one approach but i personally think this style is too literal with the addition of the vowels themselves
>Among other things, the description of the dialect echoes the distaste for the food being discussed
i disagree. consider this:

>In a thick southern drawl that spat with debasement of comely speech, he rejected the offensive fruit: "Please, no tomatoes."

>>9897668
"Naw tomaytas, please?"

>>9897797
>odds are you're just a bad writer.
You can judge such things from less than a hundred words? Quick, judge me, what do these 27 words tell you about my status as a writer?

>>9897824
>spat with debasement of comely speech,
Jesus Christ.

Both of yours are awful, OP, but don't use this.

>>9897668
iwanttoliveinthatpicture

>>9898432
This is it, OP. This is the one.

Is this supposed to be a Southerner drawling? Because no self-respecting good ole boy wouldn't want tomatoes.

"No tomatoes," he drawled.

You're making this way too hard.

>>9898763
Agreed. If you need to make a point about the accent, work it into the text around this sentence.

>>9897668
>the offending fruit
I think you should end it as soon as possible

>Basically, do you think its alright to change language to denote accents in dialogue or should it be mentioned outside of the dialogue itself to avoid confusion?

No. It's fucking terrible and it shows a deep lack of understanding regarding spoken language. It makes me want to puke when I see authors doing this. I can barely read Steinbeck for this reason, it's just too ignorant.

>>9897710
What the fuck is this post?
The second sentence is way worse than the first one, literally unreadable.
First one is fine.

>>9897786
>round O's as sideways A's
Eww.

>>9898962

I'll stick with Dickens, thank you very much

>>9898962

How do you denote the difference between the white man's "nigger" and the black man's "nigga" without the spelling change based on pronunciation?

>>9898962
wew lad. Wait'll you get to Joyce...

>>9898773

I'm from Texas and I say fuck tomatoes

Fucking slimy, disgusting balls of spit and shit.

>>9899051

Joyce is the only person who could possibly act like Joyce and get away with it.

Joyce is someone to be admired, not copied.

>>9897756
https://youtube.com/watch?v=650wHSwip3U

>>9898991
Learn to give sounds shapes, it makes learning languages easier

>>9898981
Are we reading the same OP? You NEVER use a fucking colon in fiction writing

Show, don't tell.

>>9902309
High school tier "rule" that you need to learn to break if you want to be anything more than an hack

>>9898432
>>9897668
The first one in the op and this are the only acceptable ones. The others are either retarded or make it impossible to know what the fuck you mean.

>>9897824
disgusting

>>9902309
I'm fucking sick and tired of this shit. Everything in a book is telling. It's always the author telling you.

>>9898653
well I gather you have either a tenuous grasp on the English language or a complete dearth of reasoning ability as in the beginning of my sentence I said
>odds are
which indicates an inference toward a probability.

>>9902944

You would not take the gamble if you didn't believe the odds favorable. The fact that you posted the judgement means you believe it to be true.

>>9902323
nah better follow the rules. The problem is a lot of ppl think theyre James Joyce when they aren't

>>9902944
What cowardice

>>9897799
Fuck off, memehead.

>>9902993
>uses 1st Person
>calls others memehead

Pottery

>>9897668
Best way:

>With his thick drawl replacing the o's in the offending fruit with a's, he asked "Please, no tomatoes."

>>9904010

>Say the letters are being replaced
>Don't replace them

What?

You don't need to describe a drawl as thick and you don't need to describe an accent as harsh.
>"Please, no tomatoes," he replied, his drawl muddying the words to a paste.
But then I have to ask, why is this sentence so significant? If it's really not a major point in your story, then just use
>"Please, no tomatoes," he replied.

>>9904055
>You don't need to describe a drawl as thick and you don't need to describe an accent as harsh.

Say's who?

>>9903326
Hating first person is the meme, you dip. It's like being into visual art but being like
>euck acrylic oils? Dropped.

>>9898432
This. Show don't tell.

>>9904117

-- Ye want tomatas
-- No he told the nig
-- You sure
-- I am sure
He spat, and rode on.

>>9897668

>>9897786
>The use of dialect is easily overdone and requires the right touch, otherwise it becomes distracting and off-putting.

This. Show it phonetically, but using the absolute minimum. Just do it once, to establish the character's voice, and then do very minimal phonetic changes afterwards. They only need to be told / shown he has a strong accent once, then the reader will automatically add it for the rest of that character's sentences in that scene. Have the pov character recognize his accent in his thoughts if you want to create a specific known accent.

>>9897668
>"Please, na' tah-may-tahs," No tomatoes. It had taken him a while to get used to the accent.

Or something like that, with minor phonetic changes to speech afterwards.

>>9905256
good advice

>>9905256
>Just do it once, to establish the character's voice, and then do very minimal phonetic changes afterwards.

You either do it every time or you don't do it at all.

> then the reader will automatically add it for the rest of that character's sentences in that scene.

No they won't

File: 1495806857550.webm (2MB, 426x426px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 426x426px

>>9899041
When a white man says it:
>N*&$%r

What a n*&$%r says it:
>100
>AYO
>*smacks lips*
>AYO SO U B SAYIN
>*dabs*
>SO U B SAYIN WE
>*makes hit mumblerap record*
>WE WUZ
>*drops out of middle school*
>WE WUZ NIGGAS
>*takes boat to Liberia*
>N SHIET?
>*does the Liberia shake*
>100

>>9905305
>I don't do it therefore no one does it
>projecting this hard

>>9905256
>I do it therefore everyone does it
>projecting this hard

>>9897668
Anon... Easy on the tomatoes.

>>9905495
Which is it, queer?

File: 37a097462674c3fd352403ab441e389e--bugs-bunny-bunnies.jpg (17KB, 236x314px) Image search: [Google]

17KB, 236x314px

>>9905528

>>9905285

>Translating within your own work

Fuck no. You either go for it or you don't, don't do this half-way pussy shit.

>>9902297
Don't be like that.

>>9906188

Colons belong in shitty text books and political speeches; not art.

>>9906454
Look at this fuckwit trying to tell people what art should be.

>>9907130
Where's your manifesto, suckledick?

>>9906454
No, colons belong in your lower abdomen.

>>9902916
Jesus, kid. You missed writing 101. Go back to the beginning.

>>9900799
>Joyce is someone to be admired, not copied.
Joyce would have farted in your mouth and then fucked it for that comment, whore.

>>9907454
Bespectacled fuck can try, but lord knows I'd kick his paddy ass all the way to Dublin and back.

I bet he potatoe eating motherfucker doesn't even lift

>>9897668
>>In a thick drawl he asked, "Please, naw tamatas," his accent harsh when it spoke of the offending fruit.
What the fuck? Have you have heard a "thick drawl" before? I really wish you northerners would stop pretending to know anything about southern culture.

File: William-Tecumseh-Sherman.jpg (200KB, 1200x1523px) Image search: [Google]

200KB, 1200x1523px

>>9907518
>southern culture
Implying there's any left.

>>9907518

My Alabama grandfather does the same shit.

When he asks for cigarettes, he asks for his "tabaca"

>>9907550
>not 'tobaccy'

step it up grampaw