https://www.wattpad.com/story/23200 52-snow I've been w

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Knock-Knock...

>>9836422
what the fuck was Ka's problem anyway?

>>9836422
What do you mean? Mine a anime, so I'm not changing the name when my story has nothing to do with that one.

My title is the translation of yuki with means SNOW. It's anime. Also the book you're taling was made in 2002.

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>>9836107

I read the first few scenes and I want to give you some good-natured advice.

If you're choosing to make your setting Japan, you should do it justice and research all aspects of 'place'--not only the physical landscape, but the cultural aspect as well. Japan in particular has a lot of societal norms that are different than other parts of the world, such as their strict views on conformity. Reading what you have now, I could take pretty much any city in any country and change nothing about the story. It's location in name only. You should be purposeful in choosing your setting because it is there to give your readers a sense of the world in which your characters are interacting.

Speaking of the characters, I don't have much of a compelling reason to like any of them. Yuki seems like any other generic anime protagonist. She goes through the motions of getting ready for her morning, but each of those actions (if you REALLY feel them necessary to be described in detail) should reveal some glimpse into who she is as a person. What does her room look like? Is her stuff scattered all over the floor, or is everything neatly in its place? Apparently, she can see visions. There wasn't much of a reaction from her when she sees the image in the coffee cup, so I have to assume that she knows about this power. Do her parents know about this ability? Does it run in the family? You shouldn't reveal everything about the protagonist right in the beginning, but I'm left with so many questions as to what kind of person Yuki is that it is hampering my ability to develop empathy for her, which is critical for a reader to continue turning the pages.

The style of prose reads more like a forum roleplay than a story. If you want to keep it in a script format, look up how to properly format a screenplay and keep the formatting consistent throughout your work.

There are many errors: lack of/misplaced punctuation, spelling mistakes, comma splices, missing words, and tense changes to name a few. There are comments on your story pointing this out, so it should be remedied. Also, you should practice varying your sentences more in the descriptions of action so that not all of them begin with the same word. It makes it a choppy read.

If you really have been working on this for 9 years, then I have to say you've got your dedication going for you, but if you want to create a story for an audience, you've still got a lot of growing to do.

>>9836876
Not even OP but nice post