I was violently beaten throughout childhood and now as I enter

>>9698537
Yeah, but first you're gonna have to kill yourself. No one fucking cares about your sob story.

>>9698537
Idk dude, when I feel down I read some Hesse.

>>9698545
I'm sorry

>>9698537
Read Sacher-Masoch and enjoy the spanked bottock. Read Nietzsche to stop being a bietzsche. Read Deleuze and you'll never lose.

>>9698642
Rousseau touches on spanked buttocks in Confessions. He enjoyed being spanked by his father.

See a therapist OP.

>>9698537
If you actually want to understand your condition, your best shot would be to read books which are clinical in nature, books which are derived from psychological studies. There is an abundance of these on the topic of child abuse.

>>9698671

This, its not a meme.

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I can read relate to you. I was my mom's emotional punching bag, lived in utter fear from her growing up. It culminated with her attacking me with a kitchen knife she was using and cutting my thigh when I was 19. I've told no one about this incident, not even my brother and father who wondered what happened to my thigh and why I was wearing a bandaid. I lied and told them I cut myself. I haven't told my friends or relatives about this because I didn't want them thinking badly of my mother. I've then gone on and suppressed these memories and maintained a relatively good relationship with my parents, though I moved far far from them so I can only see them once a year. Now lately these memories are coming back and I'm starting to realize that most of what's holding me back in life is my wounded soul as a result of these events. I don't know what do. I feel so bad for you because I don't know what to tell you. I'm trying to figure this out myself. But you sound like you have your shit more together than me. Life really terrifies me. Sending out job applications terrifies me. Everything terrifies me.

>>9698552
4chan isn't for you precious anon. You won't survive with the fags. Go talk to your therapist. Best of luck.

so many time i see these kinds of posts and i think "oh this sounds familia--"
>i go to prestigious university
>have a girl who loves me

yeah maybe stop being an ingrate, I wish I had such positive things in my life

t. anhedonic lonely old man

How has it affected your retention and memory?

>>9698862
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3307950/

>>9698787
I think this is one of the worst parts. The few I've ever opened up to about this can do nothing but say they're sorry, which ultimately reinforces the helplessness. It really feels like there is no escape, that no matter what there is a certain pain that is simply ineffable to those around you. There is no worse betrayal than that of a mother to her child. The amount of trust and love that is discarded so casually in those moments is crushing. As you feel for me, I feel for you.

See a (the)rapist, OP.

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>>9698955
>https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3307950/

fuggg

Are you sure it's specifically because of early life stress? I was also beaten once by a teacher when I was a kid but I never exercise, sleep or eat well so that's why I think my cognition is shit.

Also you're already going to a good uni and have a girl under you, you're already halfway into escaping.

>>9698787
You have to confront your mother. I had the same problem with my dad before divorce. He used to beat both my mother and my brother occasionally. After years of a difficult lawsuit, she finally get rid of that bastard. I had constant fears and persecution issues regarding that matter after I finally realized that this thing only would resolve if I could manage to deal with my dad. So, I went into his new home with and beat the fuck out of him while reminding all he did in the past by yelling. And it actually worked really. Sometimes you have to go through full force regardless of how nasty it sounds.

>>9698989
I'm fairly certain. The more I look back, the more clear to me are the various behaviorial issues and cognitive deficits that have plagued me throughout school. That said, I performed well because I had no choice. Not sure if this is particular to early stress but I've found that while I am bad at retaining specific literature, the insights I gain from reading restructures the way I approach other texts and emotions, both my own and those of others. This is good and practical for life itself, but not helpful when it comes to academia on a rigorous level.

>>9698787
Nothing makes me happier than the suffering of pathetic frog shitters.

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OP, read this.

https://www.mediafire.com/?qkeug99oiqk3426

>>9699040
Look into buying some rope.

>>9699057
You bring nothing but misery and uglyness to the world. I bet you do nothing all day besides complaining about women, blacks, and jews while posting your stupid ugly frogs.

Get your shit together, freak

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>>9699031
Do you exercise, sleep/eat well, etc.? IMO you should be in peak condition then worry about everything else.

>>9699082
>You bring nothing but misery and uglyness to the world.

but that's you

>>9698545
Epic roast bro XD

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>>9698537
>tfw when I was young my dad used to tickle me until I cried on an almost daily basis
>sometimes I would flail and hit my arms on the fireplace or the edge of the coffe table
>mom would sometimes tell him to stop
>he would say that it was just play and that I had to stop being such a baby
>tfw I still resent him to this day for it
>tfw my first instinct when someone touches me even to this day is to push them away

>>9698537
No one gives a shit about your daddy issues, fag

>>9699315
*mommy

>>9699082
B-but I'm a grill

>inb4 shitty tit jokes

>>9699876
Your tits are shitty, they are a joke.

Anyway OP, consider perhaps that your subjective experience of pain over these memories is something like grief. Don't go around thinking you have been in any way debilitated by your experiences. If you are capable of meaningful relationships and succeeding in academic pursuits it is obvious you're better off than a lot of people. Grieving is not bad and it is also a verb, meaning you must go about the activity of grieving and come to its resolution. Look into it OP.

>>9699045
I'll give this a try. I avoid psychotropic substances like kanker. I eat well, exercise daily, sleep etc but my fear of new people and situations hasn't subsided. Also last time I was at the psychiatrist's I made her cry. Maybe this book helps.

>>9699917
>last time I was at the psychiatrist's I made her cry

greentext now

>>9698545
>>9698794
Holy shit this is cringey - and I use that word sparingly. Go back to /b/.

>>9699082
>>9699040
lighten up wojak

this thread made me feel

i wonder if even the most fucked up goreposter of /b/ just feels sad inside

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>>9698537
>I was violently beaten
As opposed to nonviolently beaten?

What a fucking pussy. Grow a pair faggot

>>9699020
Why did you beat him up? You seem unbstable. And are you telling anon to do the same to his mother???

>>9698642
>américains think deleuze rhymes with lose

triggered

>>9698787
you better tell them about your mom before she kills them, this isn't fucking around time, this is serious time

They fuck you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do
They give you all the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old style hats and coats
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as quickly as you can
And don't have any kids yourself

>>9700542
>not beating up your mom and sexing her afterwards
don't be a fukkboy

>>9698537
Go talk to a therapist, please.

>>9700556
American curs can't pronounce Deleuze

>>9701872
kek

>>9698537
nice blog, baby.

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>>9698537
the classic

>>9698545
No one loves you

>>9698537
get over yourself faggot you're not special for getting smacked around a bit

>>9698537
Anon BTFO lol

I was never beaten but I grew up watching my mom being beaten and degraded constantly, which fucked me up pretty badly. Sometimes I think it would be better if I was beaten instead desu, instead of this fucked up combination of being coddled and having a crazy father.