We drove here for six hours on a sunny March day. After the first

Awful? Confusing? Any feedback is appreciated...

>>9647214
brains in the top 3 at least

still looking for any feedback...

>>9647214
>>9647233
Awful and confusing. Unnecessarily complex syntax: there is no reason for that dash to be there in the third paragraph, for example; splitting it into two sentences would have been fine. And you also run into comma splices.

Prose itself is very close to being purple. You use a lot of words and barely say much of anything. At least half of the words you used produced no deeper meaning or understanding. A lot of sentences are also exceptionally awkward, such as this one:
> We drove here for six hours on a sunny March day.
Grammatically incorrect and annoying. It should be: We spent six hours driving there on a sunny day in March.

Actually, you know what, I'll just do my best to rewrite this while remaining faithful to what you already have before I go to sleep.

We spent six hours driving there on a sunny day in March. I slept but a few brief hours on an uncomfortable foam mattress after the first ceremony of the day. Although I should have felt exhausted, I felt fine. Having another ceremony just a day after the last one felt absurd, but that absurdness is what we came here for.

They dimmed the lights in the afternoon and the shaman began to perform his rites. I walked to the center and sat appropriately when my turn came. I downed the foul concoction as fast as I could, and it began quickly to take effect.

Everything was different this time. The feelings of euphoria and unity were altogether gone and I knew that the day would be a difficult journey indeed. My consciousness was wholly seized after the usual stage of nausea and geometric illusions had passed. My soul stood firm against the tide as my body braced itself against the wall. My mind rolled and roiled with every thought. My eyes began to adjust to the darkness and I saw wailing figures dancing under muted rays of evening light. A tide of rhythmic music captured me in its current.

I faded out and in and then back again as time passed in the gloomy room. My mind and body screamed for clean air and I stumbled through the room of murmurous darkness. I staggered into a corridor and saw her there, with a smile on her pale face. She collapsed into me and held me and worried that she had lost me forever. I held her then, assuring myself and her that I would not be going anywhere. My distant life and self flooded back into my mind and I began to drown in it. All the memories of us and love. I was myself again, and I was in love indeed.

I walked out into the frosty grass and felt the wonders of night. I ran all around the vast garden lit by moonlight, stopping and resting below a stoic evergreen tree. I felt the beast begin to seize me again so I bashed my fists against that tree until I began to bleed. The pain pushed him away, and I walked back over to where she rested against a wall.

Hey,

Thanks for the honest feedback! You are right about the driving sentence. I guess I can be too ornate sometimes. Did you at least feel curious in regards to what this is about, or the characters?

I don't really like your rewrite - it changed the meaning of everything and killed the sea-related undertones.

why do ppl post horrible writing on here

>>9647406
I mean... where else? /b/?

>>9647414
just keep it to urself, or go make a tumblr like every other dumbass kid

>>9647415
Well, by the same token you can keep your comments to yourself, or write them on a piece of paper, roll it into a cylinder and stick them up your asshole like every other dumbass kid.

>>9647214

Your picture annoys me. What other organ will make that judgement?

>>9647214
that's awful!
do you think that way too? for me it sounds so fucking gay.
who reads books? men. so write like one!

>on the thin foam mattress
>the day after the last ceremony, seemed crazy
> my consciousness was taken by storm
>rhythmic music flowed through me, angelic, lifting me like a tide

>>9648369
None, but I guess that's the point. Is making judgments the most important thing?

>>9648515
So, I kind of get what you mean relative to the last two. What's so unmanly about a thin foam mattress?