My OC unedited with mistakes and such please critique harshly

>>9618593
maybe i'm just retarded but i couldn't even finish the first sentence

>>9618653
Thanks for replying though I know now to add some sort of introduction to my monologue. Especially considering the entire chapter is analogous of myself. I'm unsure whether the reader would have picked that up.

>i purchased a car

cars are for tacky ppl in flyover country, stopped reading right there

>>9618693
Make sure to renew your bus pass for maximum discounts my fellow friend!

>>9618698
citibike plus uber is all u need, stay pleb, ruralbuddy

>>9618706
Haha! But of course if you don't have any friends outside of the access of public transportation then it would make sense in paying other people to drive you places seeing as how you don't have your own automobile my friend. Life is tough in California for me sometimes I have to drive myself like an adult. What a barbaric concept I understand.

>>9618718
so get your money up and move to a city rather than spewing out that embarrassing carbon footprint

>9618725

Not even going to give a (you) you're fucking retarded don't even reply back to me cuckold

>>9618762
>cuck

knew u were a trump voting hillbilly from the first sentence, nerd

>>9618764

You really would watchlist this entire thread, with your micropenis in hand ready for a reply back lmao at this nolifer like get a gf already.

>>9618767
>get a gf already

ooo a female trump voter! nice! lolllll

>>9618593
ree you need a full stop after "position" (line 1). They're two separate sentences.

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>>9618770
goteem

wat u doing tho? I'm playing KF2

>>9618777
i'm shit posting on 4chan, fuck is kf2? some anime video game that's hot with the frogposter crowd?

My Football
I purchased a F O O T B A L L a month after starting F O O T B A L L my first full time position, I knew that I wanted my own F O O T B A L L instead of F O O T B A L L having to borrow my mother's F O O T B A L L. Ironically I would pay off her debt for the F O O T B A L L since I would through it 4 days a week. My F O O T B A L L is a midsize “luxury” sedan, luxury is in quotes seeing as how many of the optional F O O T B A L L standard today. Even its 205 horsepower is modest in comparison to new four cylinder F O O T B A L L savers on the road.
There were things that F O O T B A L L enjoyed from the day F O O T B A L L took it home, F O O T B A L L mean it beat taking the nonexistent Sacramento public transportation system, it had a smooth ride that bounced over bumps, adequate oomph to merge into the freeway and because of it being luxurious it had plenty of insulation and sound dampening to drown out the outside world.
Of course there was also things that made me hate driving the F O O T B A L L occasionally. The ride height puts me below the the average height of modern F O O T B A L L meaning I have to look up to my neighbor or has me guessing as to what's in front of the car ahead of mine.
The F O O T B A L L was fine, no dents or physical damage, the paint was almost pristine with the usual paint chips caused by time. It was the interior that was embarrassing to show in daylight and often I didn't have F O O T B A L L in my car until night to occult the blemishes. The once new leather F O O T B A L L were ripped with the stuffing exposed. The sunroof leaked in water when it rained, pooling it until I braked so all of it poured on my head when I did so. With all these internal issues it seemed that my F O O T B A L L suited me just fine.

>>9618781
that's whats up, thank u lol

>>9618781
kettlebells and semi-automatic rifles would have also worked

>>9618779

Kuck Fortress dos it's pretty good me and your mom usually play it as foreplay

>>9618593
This piece offers nothing, even if it's for a longer work. It's boring. It's absolute trash. You need to read some more do you can have an eye for what's good.

>first sentence comma splice
>ironically

And, there's too much for me to critique. Literally every sentence is a net drag on this board and if you crafted this as a parody then I would say it lacks self-awareness. Read more, please.

>>9618593
You seem really tied up with revealing information through layers of totally useless sentiments, like
>I knew that I wanted my own car instead of having to borrow my mother's minivan
You're trying to tell us you used to drive your mother's minivan, but the clause is about knowing that you didn't want to drive your mother's minivan. Isn't it expected to want to drive your own car? And why wouldn't you know if you wanted your own car? Just say you drove your mother's minivan.

Also
>My car is a midsize “luxury” sedan, luxury is in quotes seeing as how many of the optional features standard today
Is this even a sentence? And there are better ways of expressing irony than using quotes and then explaining why you used them

>almost pristine with the usual paint chips caused by time
Sounds like you don't know what "pristine" means

Honestly you could fit most of this into a few sentences. You're wasting a lot of space writing what you liked and disliked about the car when your feelings should be obvious. Which sentence makes more sense: "I liked how tasty the food was" or "The food was tasty"?

The first comma should be a period.

>>9618593
>There are people on this board that write this poorly.
Not surprising, but still completely appalling. I can tell that it's sincere writing and not an attempt at baiting. To write good bait you have to understand what makes writing bad; and you obviously do not.

>>9620302
The prose on this board is all over the quality spectrum. It's interesting, really. I've had great conversations here and I've also had some of the worst conversations of my life here.

>>9618593
You have no flow, your sense of how to use commas and periods is atrocious, and the piece reads like a paragraph of the flavorless example text they give on high-school reading comprehension tests.

What doesn't help is that your subject matter is vapid, pointless, and offers no reason for any audience to want to read it and offers no reward for when they do, as your execution lacks anything that could be considered clever or interesting.

>>9618690
Oh and you're also pretentious.

Delete this and start over, read more, and ask yourself if this really is the most interesting or profound story you can tell.

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>>9618593
>nonexistant sacramento public transportation
stopped reading there

i'm on the lightrail right now going home from work.
i do agree that we need more buses running though

>>9618593
This reads like my college application essays. I think you need to seriously reconsider your voice or plan on writing a collection of vignettes where this could sort of work.

>>9618781
Toptier kek. Wish i had my reactions for this

>>9622314
>talks about "flow"
First off, im not op. Second, you're pretty new arent you?

>>9622924
It is a stilted and awkward read with shitty prose, comparable to a *flowing* river had that river's *flow* been interrupted by something unnatural.

It made the reading experience unpleasant, making it a valid criticism and not even my only one, what would you have me say instead you dunce?

>>9618593
Is this about a car?

>>9618593
>My OC unedited with mistakes
you're a garbage writer for submitting a rough draft

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>>9618725
>save the Earth by moving to the city and inherently worsening your own health.